An update on time? the wonders never cease! yep, I know I know I'm impressed too (and I have finals so make that double impressed) but I did promise a chapter on Friday so here we are :) an update yay!
Thank you to all the awesome people who reviewed last chapter because you're the reason I finished this one on time. I hope you like this one because it's my longest so far and it took a lot of work, so read and tell me what you think!
I own nothing, never had, never will. Cheerful!
Enjoy :)
I sit at the dinner table staring earnestly at my food and marveling at how my life has been one big "how on earth did I get here" lately.
For instance, a couple months back, I was preparing myself to cut into my hand and watch my blood sizzling on the coals to mark me as a Dauntless initiate. Instead, I ended up in front of the Abnegation metal bowl, watching my blood drip on stones and wondering –yes, you got it: "how on earth did I get here?!".
Of course the answer to that would be; thanks to my brother Caleb, but that's a thought for another day.
A month later, I was sitting on a bench next to the other initiates as we became full members of Abnigation, and again I was wondering that very same thing. A life in grey. An oath to turn away from my reflection being recited by an older member. Except, I didn't turn away from my reflection when mother gave me a haircut. I stared at it. How did I get here, again?
So you can understand why now, as Tobias Eaton sits across the table from me, biting down his smile, that very same question is the first thing to pop into my head.
How did I get here? More likely, how did I get myself into this? Big mouth. That's how.
Ten minutes ago my parents were discussing the faction with Tobias and what work he was considering, then the conversation turned to his place and who's going to fix it –not for lack of volunteers, mind you, but because too many volunteered to help and there's only so many people that can fit in a room after all. Somehow the conversation shifted again to Tobias's current residence aka my brother's old room, and I had somehow managed to hold my tongue and stare at my food throughout the whole thing. That's until my mother mentioned the room needing to be cleaned first.
"It's been a while since anyone entered the room, not since… Caleb" my mother says quietly, and I can see my father discreetly brushing his knuckles along the back of her hand in a comforting gesture "not since Caleb left" she breathes out and my father's hand fists itself against the table. "It needs some cleaning; we need to take out some of his things to make room for yours. I'll help you do it after dinner" she finishes with a kind smile to Tobias.
My parents haven't talked about my brother's decision even once since he left, or if they did, they made sure I wasn't there to hear them. However, I could still see my father hesitating near Caleb's room each time he passes it, and I catch my mother looking at his empty place at the table, and I know how much his leaving hurt them both just by the way mother refused to leave his room's door open after he left. So I know for a fact that neither one of them will be too fond of clearing the desk of his books or changing the sheets left on his bed, or even wiping the floor where he used to lay down when we were kids.
I knew it'd hurt mother to do any of those things, hence the following exchange;
"I'll do it" I blurt out, looking up for the first time since we sat down "I'll help with cleaning the room"
My mother frowned slightly and was about to protest, so I rushed "and you'd be busy with the dishes anyway, so this way we'll make good time and Tobias won't have to wait until you're done to move his things"
My logic wasn't flawed in the least; my mother made breakfast today so the dishes went to me at the time, father made lunch and my mother and I both cleaned, I made dinner so mother would clean the dishes and father –well, I need to find him something to do so he doesn't have to work on my brother's room.
"Are you sure Beatrice?" my mother asks gently "I know you've been walking around all day and must need some rest, you don't have to."
"It's fine, really. And you need to show father that thing in the kitchen?" I raise my eyebrows at her "the sink? Not working?" did I mention how ill-suited for Candor I was? Lies came to me naturally. A bad but useful talent. I look at mother as I speak and I realize that she knows exactly what I'm doing; the kitchen does have a busted pipe, but mother said earlier that it was easily fixed and she'll do it herself later, no need to tell father. So as I say this now, her eyes widen slightly at first but then they glint with understanding and she gives me what could only be a grateful smile.
"True," my mother nods "there's that indeed" she obviously wasn't cut for Candor either.
"So you'll help Tobias yourself?" father asks and there's a hint of pride in his voice, but there's also a dubious look on his face "The two of you will be alone –"
"We'll leave the door opened!" I blurt out, and yes that's how I got here. Big. Mouth.
" –working so it could take some time" my father trails off and there's silence at the table. I could feel the blood rushing to the tips of my ears.
"Of course you'll leave the door open" my mother says as if I've made the best suggestion ever "yes, despite it needing some oiling it'd be inappropriate otherwise. Good thinking, Beatrice" and bless her heart if she isn't the greatest mother ever. I suddenly feel the urge to hug her. I peak at my father and he'd nodding with a small smile.
"Good thinking indeed" he says and the pride is still there.
Tobias however, has ducked his head down to hide the amusement in his eyes and he is fighting a smile so hard I want to hit him. It's not that funny. In fact, nothing about this is funny at all.
I have no interest being kept in close quarters with Tobias Eaton for however long it takes to clean a room, thank you very much.
Except for the fact that 10 minutes later, I completely am.
I suppress a sigh as I hand Tobias a towel and point at the desk near the window "you start cleaning the desk and bookshelves," there are a few shelves that Caleb installed in the room "I'll do the floor"
My mother is washing dishes down stairs, and despite Tobias's protests my father has gone back to Tobias's place. He was bringing the few belongings that Tobias has packed earlier today. Guess there was no need to mention that busted pipe after all.
Tobias and I work for a while in silence, him rubbing dust off the shelves and me off the floor, and how on earth does a room with closed windows get dusty anyway?
As I work, I can't help but muse on how unlived-in the room feels. It's been only two months since Caleb left and yet it feels as if the room has been abandoned for ages. I wonder if that's how my room would have looked like had I actually moved out.
"What next?" Tobias asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I glance at the table and yes it's shiny, so I put away the mop and bucket gesture towards the closet "It still has his clothes inside," I say with a sigh "mom never had the heart to clean it."
Producing two black bags I snatched from the kitchen earlier, I open the closet and start taking out clothes "I thought we could only clear out a little space for your stuff, but since we're doing it we may as well empty the whole thing" saves my mother the trouble.
Tobias nods and comes to crouch by my side to start emptying the lower drawers since I've already started on the shelves above, which would have been a job more fitting for him than I, because in case I forgot to mention it he's kind of a giant. Or maybe I'm too short.. but that's a fact I refuse to acknowledge.
"It was nice what you did there" Tobias says with a calm voice without pausing his work.
"Did what?" his tone was somehow gentle and secretive enough that I find myself lowering my voice as well.
"This," Tobias gestures to the room in general "offering to do it so your parents wouldn't have to" he pauses "that's very.. Abnegation"
So he did catch the motive behind that, along with my mother.
"It is my faction" I answer with a shrug, then as a thought hits "you say it as if it's a strange thing for me. To act Abnegation, I mean"
"Maybe a little," Tobias says, the amusement in his voice throwing me off; I seem to always have that effect on him "in the time I've spent with you so far, you haven't struck me as fully Abnigation"
Divergent, the word jumps at me; making whatever protest I have die on my lips. Tobias didn't wait for an answer though, he just kept going.
"Then again, you did help that man with the bags earlier, so maybe I misjudged you" I slightly shake my head at that and something flashes in his eyes "or not"
"Is that a bad thing," I say and I make direct eye contact with him for the first time in what feels like ages. Deep blue eyes stare back at me and I swallow nervously before looking away to fiddle with the bag. The closet is already empty. "Not being fully your faction?"
I could almost feel Tobias's gaze burning in the side of my head as I squat to sit beside him –both of us facing the closet- but I refuse to look at him.
"Not necessarily," he says slowly "but you have to be mostly one trait to be in a faction" he pauses at that as if weighing his next words and I sneak a glance at him "it's why I left Dauntless; it wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I had to make a choice after two years. I chose Abnegation."
The confession was said hesitantly, accompanied with a sigh and in a low voice as if Tobias was talking more to himself than to me. As if he still didn't know if Abnegation was the right choice to make.
"They wanted sole bravery, no morals or questions asked" another sigh "I wasn't sure that I could do that anymore. Be that brave." another whispered confession. Tobias rubbed the back of his neck. The action made him look suddenly younger, vulnerable whereas before he has looked older than his 18 years and somewhat intimidating. I opened my mouth to answer and noticed with a start that I've subconsciously turned to face him.
"It was very brave of you," despite the words tumbling out without permission, my voice was steady "to walk out on something you didn't believe in, to risk being factionless on the account of being true to yourself. Most people would rather live with a lie, with something they don't agree to or belong with" as I spoke, flashes of my brother's face appeared in my mind and I realized that I wasn't so angry with him for leaving anymore "the cowardice thing would have been to stay against your beliefs, and maybe walking out was the braver thing to do. Maybe, you're slightly more dauntless than you think."
Tobias had a strange look on his face, a gleam in his eyes that was both sad and beautiful. His expression soft but contemplative as if he was repeating every word I said silently and committing it to memory. His eyes were so intense, that I couldn't hold their gaze, my own eyes flickering all over his face and taking it all in at once before settling on his eyes, only to look away a second later. Tobias still looked like someone having an internal war and in the week I've known him, I've never seen his expression so open or his emotions so on display. The set of his mouth turned into a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"I'm not that brave, Tris" the words sounded loaded, haunted, a million secrets buried in them. My eyes met his and again he began to spoke "if I were, I would have –"
"Beatrice, I brought the new bed sheets" my mother said from the door and both Tobias and I whipped our heads to look at her. She raised the sheets as if to prove her words and I could see a question in her eyes. I just didn't know what the question was.
Tobias got up from where he had changed into a sitting position and strode to the door to take the sheets from my mother.
"Thanks ma'am" he said, and my mother looked at me, clearly wondering why I didn't get them myself.
"um, yes, thank you, we'll take it from here" my mother left after that but the spell was already broken. I could see Tobias's face gaining back its usual shuttered look, his eyes giving nothing away, as if the conversation we just had didn't happen to begin with.
"I'll make the bed" he declared but my mind was elsewhere so I just made a sound of approval as I left the room –the sound could have been a meowing sound for all I knew; my brain wasn't functioning.
Out of the entire conversation, my mind had only one word on loop.
Tris. Tris. Tris. Tris. Tris. Tris. Tris. Tris. Tris. Tris.
No one has ever called me anything but Beatrice before.
It was strange because it didn't feel like a nickname. It felt like a secret or another identity –another girl. I was me however, no other girl. I was Beatrice of the Abnigation faction.
But "You haven't struck me as fully Abnigation" Tobias has said and there was a ring of truth to his words. So maybe I wasn't as Beatrice as I thought I was, and didn't I just tell Tobias that lying to one's self was cowardice? And maybe, just maybe, I wanted to be brave for once.
So, yes. Tris. I quite liked it.
And that was that. What did you think? did you like it? didn't you like it? think things are moving too fast, do they need to move faster? I'm big on sharing so share your thoughts *cough* review *cough* really hope you liked it, thanks for reading!
Review?