"How could you be so stupid?!" Margaret yelled at Trapper. They, along with Hawkeye, were with Trapper in his office. Radar was in the next room trying to pretend as if he were not listening!
"Hey! I just wanted to get the guy out of here! How was I supposed to know that it went against 'rules', to claim that a general was waiting to meet with a colonel? I mean what is the big deal?" Trapper huffed.
"The big deal is that Radar is being blamed for it! He's the company clerk that gave 'Older Trapper' that fake message. Winchester released this Colonel early, against his better judgment! So he goes back to his camp thinking he's going to meet a general, doesn't, and relapses!" Hawkeye shouted. What bothered him the most about this whole damned thing was Radar! There was talk of having him court martialed and the poor little guy was scared to death!
"Stop yelling at me, both of you! I said I'd fix this and I will! Now both of you get of here!" Trapper growled. Hawkeye left quickly, knowing that if he stayed in that office one more minute, he'd say something he regretted.
Like he hadn't already.
Margaret was mixed up in all of this, Hawkeye sensed. She was not in that office to give him her usual 'Unbecoming of an Officer' routine. Something else was going on. He suspected Margaret was involved with the Older Trapper. That he could understand. He was her type. Older and authoritative. A colonel.
But he could not understand Trapper's hurry to get the Older Trapper out of here. He was on the mend and would've been gone in one or two days, tops. It made Hawkeye think that Trapper had had another reason for wanting the older colonel out of here, tout suite.
That reason being Margaret. His mind went back to how cozy she had looked with the Older Trapper. And it was right after Hawkeye noticed this, that Radar is told by 'Young' Trapper, to tell this man that General Potter was waiting for him at the 4076th.
Meanwhile, Trapper and Margaret had a stare down.
"What, Margaret? What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to go to the 76th and tell Colonel McIntyre what you did! I'll go with you! But Radar can't take the blame for this!"
Trapper was about to say something, but he then clamped his mouth shut. Margaret and Hawkeye were right. Something had to be done and quickly. An investigator was coming any day now, to ask everyone what they knew. Trapper didn't want this thing getting that far.
"Fine. I'll go. I'll leave an officer in charge."
"I think I should go too."
"No, Margaret! Look, I did what I did because I thought he was getting too familiar with you, okay? I don't want him pawing you there."
"He wasn't 'pawing' me, Colonel. You're married. I am single. I was just being friendly. You can't tell an investigator that you thought a highly, respected colonel was 'pawing' one of your staff."
"So you want me to tell them that you wanted to be pawed?" Trapper retorted.
"I want you to tell him the truth: that you were jealous!" Margaret huffed. Trapper's eyes narrowed at her words.
"Come on, Margaret! Would a 'real' colonel admit to being jealous? That would be unmanly...at least to you."
Margaret walked up to him and dusted some imaginary lint off of his shirt.
"Colonel, we need to go to the 4076th, together, and let the other Colonel McIntyre know that this should just stay between us. That this was a friendly mistake."
"And I said, I'll go. There's no need for you come along."
"You have no diplomatic skills! Are you going to talk to him like you did when he was in post-op? You hate him and it shows! He doesn't hate me. And I think he will listen if I'm there to help smooth things over."
"No! Now how many times do I have to say it? No, no, no!" Trapper insisted. Margaret leaned in to whisper something in his ear. When she pulled her mouth away from him, he smiled.
"Maybe you're right. Two against one. That should do the trick." he said, just as Radar walked in. His face was pinched and red looking.
"You shouldn't have made me lie!" Radar yelled. And Trapper could not remember Radar ever yelling!
"Calm down, calm down. Radar, nothing is going to happen to you. Nothing is going to happen to me or Margaret or anyone here. I will take care of this. I'm just going to take a little drive over to the 4076th, and tell Fake Colonel Trapper that I told you to lie and it'll all die down. It will be one Colonel talking to another. Easy peasy. Smooth sailing." Trapper said, smiling at Radar.
Margaret watched Radar closely. He did seem to relax a bit. She added her two cents.
"The colonel is right, Radar. He is going to go over and make sure that everyone understands this was just a little misunderstanding. I will be accompanying Colonel McIntyre to speak with the other Colonel McIntyre and then everything will go back to normal around here, alright?"
Radar stared at the two of them. They did seem sure that nothing bad was going to happen to him because of that lie. He nodded reluctantly.
"Okay, Colonel McIntyre, Major Houlihan. If you say so."
"We do. Now go out there and get someone from the 4076th on the line, and let them know that the REAL Colonel McIntyre and Major Margaret Houlihan, are coming for a visit." Trapper said with a grin. Radar grinned back and left the office but once he did, Trapper's grin faded. Margaret smiled at him, pulling on his army green lapel.
"You sounded like a colonel just now." she said, looking at him naughtily.
"I did my damnedest, since you told me you wouldn't be wearing underwear on the drive over." Trapper smiled.
Hawkeye slammed into the swamp, annoying BJ, who was reading a medical journal, and incensing Winchester, who was listening to an opera recording. BJ put the journal down the moment he noticed the look on his face.
The noise was the impetus for Charles turning off his recording. BJ stood up.
"Well? What did Trapper have to say? Does he have a plan to get Radar out of the trouble he put him in?" BJ asked.
The way BJ worded that suddenly made Hawkeye feel tired. Tired of being the go-between for his two friends. His two best friends in Korea. BJ should have been in Trapper's office with him, trying to come up with some way to get Radar out of this mess. But it was clear that Beej was only concerned for Radar. Hawkeye could not seem to make him understand Trapper was in trouble here as well.
Then something came to mind. An idea of sorts to have a 'do over'. BJ was still sore about the 'Peg Picture' incident. Trapper was ticked off about being lead on to believe he was going home, his promotion and the fact that BJ and Hawkeye had bonded. Maybe a nice, relaxing game of poker, would thaw the ice a bit. Charles could even get in on it, though from what Hawkeye could tell, Winchester was just hostile in general, about being here and the unfair circumstances that netted him a stay here at the 4077th.
Still, Charles could be of immense help in making Trapper see that they could all get along here, without starting a war within a war.
"Doctor Pierce," Winchester drawled, "does our esteemed Colonel have a plan?"
Hawkeye blinked.
"No. He just said he'd 'fix it'. If he says he will, he will." he said. He noticed BJ and Charles exchange doubtful looks but this time he ignored it. It really bothered him that Trapper did what he did out of jealousy. Now that, Hawkeye would bet his life on! And if Trapper wasn't careful, he'd end up like Frank Burns. A man with Margaret on one side, and the disrespect of the men and women of the 4077th, on the other.
Radar burst into their tent, looking excited and hopeful!
"What is it?" Hawkeye asked carefully. None of them knew what to make of the way the young private had just burst in.
"Colonel McIntyre and Major Houlihan are going to take care of everything! They're going to the 4076th tomorrow to straighten this all out! I knew the Colonel would make things right!"
"The Colonel and the Major are going together?" Hawkeye asked.
"Yeah! Tomorrow morning! I just called over to the 4076th and let them know to expect them!" Radar rambled on.
"Not to be a wet blanket here," Charles said, "but this kind of a problem calls for diplomacy. From what I can see, Colonel McIntyre has none. Especially when it comes to the Older Colonel McIntyre. I don't think it's a good idea."
Radar's face fell and Hawkeye gave Charles a dirty look! But BJ came up with another idea.
"I'm going to go with them." he announced. Radar, Hawkeye and Charles looked at BJ with surprise.
"You're going? In a jeep? With Trapper?" Hawkeye asked skeptically.
"With Trapper and Margaret?" Charles asked just as skeptically.
"Major Houlihan and I get along just fine. And I'd like to think that I got along with the Older Colonel as well. Better than Trapper did."
"But not as well as Margaret." Hawkeye mused. "It's not a bad plan. Now let's see if we can talk Trapper in to..."
"No," BJ cut him off, "I will talk to him. Alone. It's about time we cleared the air about some things."
Radar looked at Hawkeye and suddenly felt doubtful again. While he thought Captain Hunnicutt could help, he doubted Trapper would agree to be in the same room with, much less take a jeep ride over to the 4076th, with him.
"There! Now don't you feel better, now that you've decided to come around to my way of thinking." Margaret said softly, as she gave his shoulders a hard massage, from behind his desk chair.
"I feel better knowing we're going to be alone tomorrow." Trapper murmured. His eyes were closed and he marveled at how her hands were melting all of the tension away...
Trapper heard someone clear their throat and Margaret's hands left him! He opened his eyes to see Hunnicutt looking at them both. His facial expression was unreadable.
"I'll just leave you, Colonel." Margaret said, leaving the office quickly without looking at BJ. Trapper eyed BJ.
"Take a seat." Trapper said and moved some papers around on his desk. BJ slowly sat down in the chair in front of the desk.
"Thank you for seeing me, Colonel." BJ began. "It's about Radar and your trip to the 4076th."
"How'd you hear about that?" Trapper asked.
"Radar told me. I would like to accompany the major and you as well." BJ said.
"Uh, why?"
"Because I think I can help."
"In what way? Look, thanks but no thanks. Major Houlihan and I have this handled just fine."
"Do you?" BJ asked, feeling impatience creep in to his tone. Trapper heard it and responded in kind.
"How long have you been here 'Beej'? Huh? A week or two? Who the hell are you to question anything I do?"
"With all due respect..." BJ began but Trapper cut him off and stood up.
"See that's the problem. You haven't shown me any. I apologized for what I mistakenly said about your wife, okay? And maybe I had that punch coming. But I don't need any suggestions from you about how to help my friends. You're dismissed." Trapper said coldly.
Now BJ stood up.
"This isn't about my overstepping, 'Colonel'. This is about Hawkeye. He's still your friend and now he just happens to be mine as well! We didn't do anything to you. The older colonel is a real person and it is probably just a terrible coincidence that you two have the same name, the same nickname and similar backgrounds! Can we just forget our differences and help Radar? I think I can help talk the other colonel into dropping the charges against Radar. I want to help." BJ said, almost begging.
Trapper was silent for a moment. Margaret was not going to wear underwear, for the love of God! And now BJ wanted to encroach on their private time together...grrr...
"Alright. Fine. You can come. But you sit in the back." Trapper told him.