Lex and Clark, outside, conversing
Lex: My dear Clark, the truth isn't quite the sort of thing one tells to a sweet girl or to an intelligent one.## The sweet girl would be appalled and the intelligent one dubious, at best. The truth is to be preserved for those rare occasions when all else has failed.
Clark: But I saw them both in the dress shop as I passed by. They were conversing and smiling so nicely at one another that even I knew that something terrible was happening.
Lex: Ah, yes, that smile that serves as the equivalent of a rattlesnake's rattle, warning that something sharp and venomous is about to happen. The business equivalent is a hearty handshake and a sincere look in the eyes.
Clark: How can you talk about it so calmly? Do you have a plan?
Lex: Oddly enough, Sun-Tsu, Lives of the Caesars, and Machiavelli are equally inappropriate. Remarkably few instances of inviting two opponents to a war and explaining that one is unintentional. [pauses] Clark, have you even *decided* which one you would like to take?
Clark: [long, uncomfortable silence] Uhm, I thought, uhm, whichever one...
Lex: [aside] If he ever asks me to find his biological parents, I'll begin with investigating Mormons.
Lex: So you haven't decided.
Clark: I didn't think it quite the gentlemanly thing to do.
Lex: No, but it might be...here they come.
Clark: Lex, for pity's sake, stop looking so entertained and run!
Lex: Run? I'd hardly do such a sartorially unbecoming thing. Besides, a fleeing victim always arouses the predator's most excited instincts.
Clark: Did you have to use those words? [groans as Chloe and Lana arrive]
Chloe: [aside] I've seen headlines with smaller type than the word "Guilty" on his face.
Lana: [aside] Why, he's positively petrified. I do hope maternal feelings are not fashionable because I'm feeling absolutely none.
Clark: Uhm. Hi. What's up?
Chloe: I think the rat population in Smallville is up. By one. But a remarkably large rat.
Clark: Oh, really? Did you put it on the Wall of Weird? [gets her point] Oh.
Chloe: I'm considering nailing it there.
Lana: Now is it true that you asked both of us to the prom?
Clark: Er.
Lex: He certainly did.
Lana: [turning to Chloe, with sincere sympathy] Oh, poor Chloe, how could he do that to you?
Chloe: [similarly] I can't believe somebody would be that heartless towards you! [they embrace]
Lex: [aside] Oh, dear. True friendship can be profoundly tiresome at times. Honestly, it calls for as much sacrifice as paying bills does. [clears his throat] His intentions were good.
Chloe: Ah, so the Kents are contracting the pavement of the path to Hell?
Lex: [looks puzzled] I believe my father has exclusives on anything to do with...oh, I beg your pardon, you were being facetious. No, in fact, he was aware that I am currently without feminine companionship, despite all my remarkable qualities. He decided that he would extend an invitation on my behalf but without telling anybody until the last moment. He told me only now.
Clark: [gaping] I did? I mean, I did that. Anything to help a friend.
Chloe and Lana: How sweet of you, Clark! [both embrace him, and then both embrace Lex. When they realize the latter, they look bewildered while Clark, who was at first beaming, is now sulking.]
Lex: [aside] What a shame that my mantra is "women"--the thought is not at all soothing at this moment.
Chloe and Lana: [simultaneously] But which one of us?
Chloe: [sees Clark reach into his pocket] Don't you dare flip a coin!
Clark: I...I wouldn't! I...I wanted to give you the tickets now. [all watch as he digs through his wallet. He pulls out two tickets, regards them sadly, and hesitates. Tension builds. He finally hands both to Lex.]
Lex: [aside] While I've been accused of narcissism, it would be beyond even my powers of eccentricity to go as my own date. [smiles maliciously, hands a ticket back to Clark] You do the honors.
Clark: I couldn't possibly. I'm notably diffident, modest, and shy. All my admirers say so.
Lex: So did Gilbert and Sullivan. [A/N: The phrase "diffident, modest, and shy" is from Gilber and Sullivan's Ruddigore. They just hopped nicely into place and I didn't have the heart to kick them out.]
Lana: I agree with Chloe that it would be grossly rude for Clark to toss a coin. I suggest, then...
Chloe: that we do. [Lana provides one.] Heads, Lana goes with Clark, tails, Lana goes with Lex. [she tosses it into the air. All four hold their breath.] It went into the gutter. Bad omen.
Clark: I hate it when there's foreshadowing. It seems so...
Lex: obvious?
Chloe: Well, it's obvious that this won't settle things but will instead further unsettle our nerves. I suggest instead that we use blindfolds.
Lex: [happily] I do have several, including rare Guatemalan Silver-Crested Lizard leather. [the others share looks]
Chloe: [repressively] Not even *before* a first date. Perhaps if we just close our eyes and grope. [even more repressively as Lex smirks] Not like that.
Lex: I do believe that the school curriculum here is tailored to say "Just say no to Lex Luthor." But very well.
Lana: All right.
Clark: Okay. [All close their eyes--somewhat. Much covert checking to see if others are peeking. Each person avoids getting caught. Clark tries to demonstrate how well he is keeping his eyes close by grabbing a lampost] My, you've lost weight...oh, sorry, I was talking to the lampost, which I stumbled into while keeping my eyes firmly closed. [Lana begins to look increasingly exasperated in a sweet and perky fashion. She manoeuvers herself behind Chloe and shoves her into Lex, then firmly grabs Clark.]
Lana: Do we each have somebody? [sounds of agreement] Then let's open our eyes. Clark! What a surprise!
Lex: Chloe! Just what I was hoping for!
Chloe: Lex! Just what I was hoping for!
Clark: Lana! Just what I was hoping for!
The end
Audience: Just what we were hoping for!
Lex: My dear Clark, the truth isn't quite the sort of thing one tells to a sweet girl or to an intelligent one.## The sweet girl would be appalled and the intelligent one dubious, at best. The truth is to be preserved for those rare occasions when all else has failed.
Clark: But I saw them both in the dress shop as I passed by. They were conversing and smiling so nicely at one another that even I knew that something terrible was happening.
Lex: Ah, yes, that smile that serves as the equivalent of a rattlesnake's rattle, warning that something sharp and venomous is about to happen. The business equivalent is a hearty handshake and a sincere look in the eyes.
Clark: How can you talk about it so calmly? Do you have a plan?
Lex: Oddly enough, Sun-Tsu, Lives of the Caesars, and Machiavelli are equally inappropriate. Remarkably few instances of inviting two opponents to a war and explaining that one is unintentional. [pauses] Clark, have you even *decided* which one you would like to take?
Clark: [long, uncomfortable silence] Uhm, I thought, uhm, whichever one...
Lex: [aside] If he ever asks me to find his biological parents, I'll begin with investigating Mormons.
Lex: So you haven't decided.
Clark: I didn't think it quite the gentlemanly thing to do.
Lex: No, but it might be...here they come.
Clark: Lex, for pity's sake, stop looking so entertained and run!
Lex: Run? I'd hardly do such a sartorially unbecoming thing. Besides, a fleeing victim always arouses the predator's most excited instincts.
Clark: Did you have to use those words? [groans as Chloe and Lana arrive]
Chloe: [aside] I've seen headlines with smaller type than the word "Guilty" on his face.
Lana: [aside] Why, he's positively petrified. I do hope maternal feelings are not fashionable because I'm feeling absolutely none.
Clark: Uhm. Hi. What's up?
Chloe: I think the rat population in Smallville is up. By one. But a remarkably large rat.
Clark: Oh, really? Did you put it on the Wall of Weird? [gets her point] Oh.
Chloe: I'm considering nailing it there.
Lana: Now is it true that you asked both of us to the prom?
Clark: Er.
Lex: He certainly did.
Lana: [turning to Chloe, with sincere sympathy] Oh, poor Chloe, how could he do that to you?
Chloe: [similarly] I can't believe somebody would be that heartless towards you! [they embrace]
Lex: [aside] Oh, dear. True friendship can be profoundly tiresome at times. Honestly, it calls for as much sacrifice as paying bills does. [clears his throat] His intentions were good.
Chloe: Ah, so the Kents are contracting the pavement of the path to Hell?
Lex: [looks puzzled] I believe my father has exclusives on anything to do with...oh, I beg your pardon, you were being facetious. No, in fact, he was aware that I am currently without feminine companionship, despite all my remarkable qualities. He decided that he would extend an invitation on my behalf but without telling anybody until the last moment. He told me only now.
Clark: [gaping] I did? I mean, I did that. Anything to help a friend.
Chloe and Lana: How sweet of you, Clark! [both embrace him, and then both embrace Lex. When they realize the latter, they look bewildered while Clark, who was at first beaming, is now sulking.]
Lex: [aside] What a shame that my mantra is "women"--the thought is not at all soothing at this moment.
Chloe and Lana: [simultaneously] But which one of us?
Chloe: [sees Clark reach into his pocket] Don't you dare flip a coin!
Clark: I...I wouldn't! I...I wanted to give you the tickets now. [all watch as he digs through his wallet. He pulls out two tickets, regards them sadly, and hesitates. Tension builds. He finally hands both to Lex.]
Lex: [aside] While I've been accused of narcissism, it would be beyond even my powers of eccentricity to go as my own date. [smiles maliciously, hands a ticket back to Clark] You do the honors.
Clark: I couldn't possibly. I'm notably diffident, modest, and shy. All my admirers say so.
Lex: So did Gilbert and Sullivan. [A/N: The phrase "diffident, modest, and shy" is from Gilber and Sullivan's Ruddigore. They just hopped nicely into place and I didn't have the heart to kick them out.]
Lana: I agree with Chloe that it would be grossly rude for Clark to toss a coin. I suggest, then...
Chloe: that we do. [Lana provides one.] Heads, Lana goes with Clark, tails, Lana goes with Lex. [she tosses it into the air. All four hold their breath.] It went into the gutter. Bad omen.
Clark: I hate it when there's foreshadowing. It seems so...
Lex: obvious?
Chloe: Well, it's obvious that this won't settle things but will instead further unsettle our nerves. I suggest instead that we use blindfolds.
Lex: [happily] I do have several, including rare Guatemalan Silver-Crested Lizard leather. [the others share looks]
Chloe: [repressively] Not even *before* a first date. Perhaps if we just close our eyes and grope. [even more repressively as Lex smirks] Not like that.
Lex: I do believe that the school curriculum here is tailored to say "Just say no to Lex Luthor." But very well.
Lana: All right.
Clark: Okay. [All close their eyes--somewhat. Much covert checking to see if others are peeking. Each person avoids getting caught. Clark tries to demonstrate how well he is keeping his eyes close by grabbing a lampost] My, you've lost weight...oh, sorry, I was talking to the lampost, which I stumbled into while keeping my eyes firmly closed. [Lana begins to look increasingly exasperated in a sweet and perky fashion. She manoeuvers herself behind Chloe and shoves her into Lex, then firmly grabs Clark.]
Lana: Do we each have somebody? [sounds of agreement] Then let's open our eyes. Clark! What a surprise!
Lex: Chloe! Just what I was hoping for!
Chloe: Lex! Just what I was hoping for!
Clark: Lana! Just what I was hoping for!
The end
Audience: Just what we were hoping for!