Disclaimer: Most characters belong to Charlaine Harris.
Angst Alert, this is not a happy chapter but it is a means to an end. There is a whole load of talk-talk-talk, but I promise more action and laughs soon.
I must also apologise for the huge hole in my writing. I am grateful to your reviews for pointing it out. Sookie's narration focuses on her less-than-stellar moments because she is aware she is being unfair to Eric but is unable to stop herself. What I have not made clear is that she is not behaving like this the whole time, she and Eric still manage to have fun and tender moments as well. Hopefully this chapter will make everything more clear. I know many of you are getting frustrated with Sookie, (I am too) I promise she will be making a turn-around soon, I hope you can hang in there for her.
Sorry for rambling on, back to the story.
I found some jeans and a t-shirt from the clothes Eric had brought and brushed my hair up into a ponytail. Then taking a deep breath I headed back out to the kitchen. Eric and Henry were standing together talking quietly. As I entered Henry had his hand on Eric's shoulder saying something to him and they both chuckled.
I wanted to scrub the kitchen table before Amelia got home but I sure wasn't doing it while Eric and Henry stood there grinning at me.
"Eric, why don't you and Henry go into the living room and you can catch him up on what's being going on here. I'll be out in a minute." I said trying to keep my face indifferent. Eric wasn't fooled for a second but aside from flashing me a wicked grin he said nothing about it.
"Of course lover." He gave me a quick peck and I held his face to mine prolonging it for a few more seconds. Once they were gone, I quickly cleaned down the kitchen and grabbed a sandwich before heading in to join them, taking two more bloods with me.
They were looking at the paper Jason had brought when I entered. I assumed they were talking about the fire so I was surprised by Eric's opening remark.
"Sookie, I don't wish to upset you but I need to know what your brother said to you when he brought this paper over today." Immediately I felt a powerful wave of sadness and tears sprang to my eyes but I fought them down.
"It was nothing, I shouldn't have let him get to me. He's probably just still mad at me for leaving." I mumbled, there was no way I'd be able to keep control of myself if I talked about it. Henry was looking at me with concern and Eric pulled me down onto the couch with him.
"It is not nothing, I can feel your pain. But I do not ask only because he hurt you. Was it Jason that made you worried about taking my blood?" Henry didn't seem surprised by this comment so I figured Eric had already told him about our argument earlier. I was so embarrassed at my behaviour I couldn't even be mad at him for sharing a private conversation. I also noticed they were both looking at me with far more interest than one of my, recently regular, paddies should elicit, so I knew there was more to this than I had figured. I took a deep breath and told them all I could remember of Jason's tirade.
Tears poured down my face as I recounted his accusations and I heard a few growls escape Eric as he rubbed my back soothingly. While Eric was busy controlling his anger, Henry's expression suggested there was an awful lot going on in his head. He absent-mindedly produced a handkerchief from somewhere, which I accepted gratefully. When I was finished they were looking at each other in that way vampires do when they seem to be having a conversation without saying anything.
"What? What does it mean? I mean other than the fact my brother hates me." I said miserably.
"Your brother does not hate you Sookie." said Eric. "Have you ever told him before about us sharing blood?" I tried to think back.
"No, I don't think so, why?"
"We suspect someone has manipulated your brother in an attempt to come between you and Eric. While your bond is permanent, you know yourself it is stronger with regular exchanges." said Henry. A strange expression crossed his face but before I could identify it, it was gone.
"Did you get anything from his thoughts?" asked Eric. I shook my head.
"I didn't get a chance, he just went off at me and I was so shocked, then he was gone before I really got a chance to take in what he was saying. He said I was dead to him and I should just let you kill me." I said my voice cracking at the memory. Eric wrapped me in his arms and stroked my hair murmuring in that ancient language he spoke in intimate moments. I tried to push love through the bond at him, saying with my emotions what I was so bad at saying with words. He had understood my snapping at him earlier had been misdirected anger but that didn't make me feel any better about it.
"We need to know if he has been glamoured." said Henry to Eric after a moment.
"Sookie my love, do you think you would be up to speaking with him?" I shuddered at the thought of Jason yelling more accusations at me.
"I could be with you, he doesn't know me and may be less aggressive than if he saw Eric." Offered Henry
"I know you don't want to do this, but if someone has got to him, he may be in danger, we need to know." Said Eric gently. I nodded.
"You're right. It was horrible what he said, but I would never forgive myself if something happened to him because of me." I looked at Eric hoping he read the not-so hidden message. I had been unable to really apologise about whatever Felipe and Victor had done because Eric clammed up every time I tried to talk about it. He kissed my temple so I hoped he got it anyway.
"Don't worry. We will get to the bottom of this and protect Jason if we need to. I will need to speak to Calvin."
I blanched.
"I'm not sure he'd be overly happy to help Jason, or me for that matter." I said not wanting to meet anyone's eyes.
"Sookie, Calvin does not blame you for what happened and feels bad himself for what you had to do." Eric told me. Henry looked questioningly at him "She had to break his hand because one of his panthers cheated on her brother after they married. Some were ritual where family members stand up for the couple at the wedding." The way he said 'were' clearly indicating what he thought of them.
"I've heard of the practice but why did she have to do it? Surely her brother could act for himself."
"Because unlike my wife, her brother is a coward." Eric growled. His anger was palpable again for a moment but I put my hand on his knee, my thumb drawing circles on his jeans, and he reigned it in.
"Sookie, Calvin will still help Jason, he is the pack-master, it is his duty." Said Eric once he had control of himself. I knew how well Eric understood the responsibility a leader had for those under him and nodded my acceptance of his certainty.
"First we need to know who, if anyone, has been speaking to your brother." said Henry "We should do it soon. Do you think you could see him tomorrow night?"
"He won't answer my calls, maybe Sam could get him to Merlotts?" I looked at Eric to see if this would be ok, he nodded.
"You should not talk in the bar though, and Henry should not be seen with you by too many people."
"Perhaps Sam's office? I still need to speak to Sam about getting my job back." I felt Eric stiffen beside me but he didn't speak. We had argued about my going back to work several times. I understood he was (at least partly) concerned about my safety, but I was not going to just sit in my house for the rest of my life and I was safer at Merlotts than some other job where I didn't know anyone. Henry had been watching us both carefully the whole time and didn't miss the by-play. I rolled my eyes at him and he smirked. At least Henry wasn't totally in the Eric camp on that one.
I could feel Eric building up to say something and decided to distract him, I really didn't want to argue with him again.
"So, any news on the fire? Did they catch whoever it was that started it?"
"The Fellowship have claimed responsibility but they have yet to apprehend the individuals involved."
"Are the AVL investigating?"
"They are offering assistance but the good news is, a lot of humans died." said Eric off hand.
I felt an overwhelming wave of anger and stared at him unable to utter a word. I pushed him away and started to get up. He seemed to realise he'd said something wrong and pulled me back down and made me look at him.
"You misunderstand me lover. I simply meant that with so many human fatalities the human authorities have to seriously address the issue of the Fellowship and recognise them as a terrorist organisation. Up until now they have not been fully invested in investigating the Fellowship's activities, now they will have to." he said reasonably. I relaxed back into sitting but I was still uncomfortable. I did understand his point but being pleased a lot of innocent people died just wasn't something I could do.
"Sandy my dear. We are not saying the loss of life was not tragic, and some vampires met their final death also remember. Our longevity simply means we are more used to considering the bigger picture. In the long term this incident may reduce overall casualties. Already many people who had been sympathisers are rethinking their support of the Fellowship. We cannot change the loss of life but hopefully it will not be meaningless." I nodded reluctantly at Henry and leaned my head against Eric's shoulder in silent apology for my reaction. I really needed to get control of my temper.
"It was so horrible. I really thought we were going to die. And now, it doesn't seem fair that we got out when others didn't." I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples, I really couldn't make sense of it. What with Jason's visit, I hadn't addressed my feelings about the fire. I had a quick flashback of Pam's arm on fire and shuddered.
"There is something else I have to speak with you about." said Eric, I could tell it was something he didn't think I was going to like. I looked at him and took a deep breath steeling myself for bad news.
"Pam told me about the vampire that tried to impede your exit." I nodded. "We do not yet know who she was but Pam will find out. My concern is that a vampire with whom we have no known connection was willing to attack simply because the opportunity arose." I could feel a lot of tension coming from him. "Sookie, I think you should stay under guard, especially at night, until we know what this means." He was watching me so warily I almost laughed. Instead I decided to break with tradition and, rather than go off on one immediately, make sure I understood what he was saying.
"What do you mean by under guard?" I asked, carefully not committing to an opinion on this until I had all the facts. I could tell Eric was pleased I wasn't kicking up a fuss, but I hadn't ruled it out yet.
"Well it was already decided that Henry would stay here, so between him and your stalker you should be safe here at the house." I narrowed my eyes at him briefly for his reference to Bill and heard Henry stifle a laugh. I thought about what he was saying and started to get angry. It wasn't the dig at Bill that was bothering me, it was the way he had said 'safe here at the house'.
I searched his face for clarification and Eric decided to cut to the chase. "Sookie, I want you to promise me you will not leave the confines of the ward without us making the necessary security arrangements."
"You're putting me on house arrest?" I really was trying to stay calm but the feelings of frustration from being stuck indoors so much already, on top of my emotional roller-coaster of a day, was making it hard. I stood and started pacing trying to keep my anger under control.
"I am trying to keep you safe." Eric's own frustration was showing too as his eyes followed me, and I could tell it was a struggle for him to stay in his seat.
I shook my head looking for a reason that this was over-kill in the safety stakes.
"We don't even know it was me that red-head was after. Maybe it was Pam." I said nastily.
"We have considered that, Sookie, and believe me we are all taking extra precautions, but the fact is that physically you are the most vulnerable and politically you are the safest target." I could tell it was taking all Eric's control to maintain a reasonable voice. But referring to the fact that in the eyes of most vampires I was disposable because I was human wasn't helping my mood.
I was determined to find a reason why I had to be free to leave the house.
"What about work?" I demanded. Eric looked exasperated for a moment then his control slipped.
"Sookie there is no need for you to work right now. What is the point in putting yourself in harms way unnecessarily?" I was vaguely aware of Pam and Amelia arriving but I ignored them as my voice started to get louder and louder.
"It is necessary Eric, I need to work to live." I insisted.
"You need to live if you ever want to work again. We can find you a job once it is safe." We were both on our feet now. I had my hands on my hips and Eric was looming over me but I would not be cowed.
"Oh I get it, first it was 'wait until Henry gets here'" I did a cruel and wildly inaccurate impression of Eric's voice.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I was aware of Henry's eyes going back and forth between us like he was watching a tennis match but he had done his shrinking thing again and it made it very easy to ignore the fact he was in the room.
I continued my attack on Eric "Now it's some other thing. You just don't want me to work."
"No I do not want my wife working in the local dive for a shifter." Eric growled then he seemed to realise he'd gotten off topic "but that is not the point right now."
"It is the point! Not only have you forced this so-called marriage on me but now you want to literally chain me to the kitchen sink! Well no thank you." I ripped off the ring and threw it at him. It bounced off his chest and disappeared from my sight.
"Do not tempt me. I assure you I have no problem chaining you up if necessary. You will do as you are told for once. You are mine and you will obey me."
"Make me!" I challenged. Eric bared his fangs at me and leaned in but I didn't flinch "I suggest you leave before I make you." I warned stepping closer to him. I still had the power to rescind his invitation and he knew it.
Eric's eyes flashed dangerously but he seemed frozen in place. I pushed passed him and ran to my room slamming the door behind me. I put the chair in front of it and then went into my bathroom, shutting and locking that door as well. Of course none of this would prevent him coming in if he chose to, but I knew he'd hear it and hopefully get the point. I ran the tap in the sink then the one in the bath in an attempt to drown the sound of my sobs but I was sure they could all hear me anyway, even Amelia. I clutched my chest against the physical pain of my misery.
I heard a loud crash from the living room followed by a babble of voices then another crash, more voices, then silence. Or at least nothing I could hear over the noise I was making and the running water. I squeezed myself into a tiny corner, my knees to my chest, my forehead on my knees, and cried. There were so many things wrong with how I had just behaved I couldn't even begin to list them all. Aside from having a tantrum like a two year old, in front of guests no less, I had been so horrible to Eric. Even while I was yelling at him I knew he was just trying to protect me. I knew the accusations I threw at him were unjust, even if I had some basis for them. (He didn't want me to work at all and there were occasions when he wished I would just 'heel' like a good human.) But throwing the ring at him was the worse thing of all. I had felt the sharp stab of his pain when I did it, though it was quickly overshadowed by his anger.
I tried to understand why I had gotten so angry so quickly. I had been trapped in my house for over a week already, the one time I'd gone out I'd nearly been burnt to death, it seemed I'd lost the last living member of my human family, perhaps irretrievably, and now Eric wanted me to give up my freedom and independence also. I just couldn't do it. The idea of a cage, even if it was my own home, was so oppressive to me I couldn't accept it, my entire being rebelled against it. I knew there was a quote by someone about dying free over living entrapped but I couldn't remember it. With a fresh round of sobs I realised Eric would know what it was and that I couldn't ask him. Thoroughly ashamed of my outburst, I sank into myself, shutting off everything external and eventually consciousness altogether.
When I awoke I was in my bed. It took me a few minutes to orient myself and remember what had happened and where I was last. Judging by the light it was afternoon. Slowly, more images from last night came back to me and as they did I noticed someone had put everything back to rights. The taps in the bathroom had been turned off and the chair was back where it normally sat. I was in an oversized t-shirt I used for sleeping, though I know I'd been dressed when I … I shook my head, I guess I fell asleep in the bathroom but how did they get me out? I couldn't see any damage to my bedroom door and wasn't sure who had come in or how. After a few minutes of confusion I remembered why I had been barricaded in my bathroom in the first place and pulled the covers over my head wishing I could sink back into the oblivion I had managed last night. I heard the sound of a cup being placed on my bedside table and peeked out expecting Amelia. It wasn't.
"Henry called me." Said Claudine with her usual smile, though her eyes were searching mine for something. I pulled the covers off my face completely but didn't speak. I was too embarrassed by my behaviour and I could feel tears threatening again. "Apparently Eric was ready to rip your house apart when you cut off the bond again after telling him you couldn't do that any more."
"Hu? I did what?"
"That's what I thought." she said with a bright smile. "Luckily Henry knew you were still in here and could hear your heartbeat was steady. He managed to convince Eric you were fine and that he should stay away until you were more yourself. Then he called me to pop in and get you out."
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble. I suppose Henry told you what happened?" I said meekly.
"Yes. There is much we should talk about but I don't have time now. I am already late for work at the club. I wanted to wait until you awoke as you seemed to have put yourself in some kind of self-imposed coma. I had to be sure you woke up ok. We were quite worried for a while but then you seemed to shift into normal sleep."
"I … I didn't realise. I mean … I didn't do it on purpose." I was wide-eyed now, what if I hadn't woken up? There was a small part of me that was tempted by that option but the bigger part of me squashed it quickly. I wanted my life, that was the whole point.
"No I thought not." She still seemed to be looking for something in my face.
"But, how did Henry explain him calling you?" I asked quietly
"Pam had taken Eric away to calm down before the bond shut down and Amelia was not aware of Henry's call. I simply told her I was alerted to the situation by your distress." I nodded, at least I hadn't accidentally outed Claudine and Henry with my tantrum. I opened my mouth to apologise again but Claudine reached down to give me a hug. "We will talk later when we have more time." And with a 'pop' she was gone.
As always seemed to happen, I felt a little better after seeing Claudine. Maybe it was just because she smiled so much, even though it turned out I'd caused even more trouble than I had realised. I decided I should get up and try to figure out how I was going to fix things. I had a quick shower, threw on shorts and a t-shirt and went in search of some more coffee. I was pleased to find Amelia sat in the kitchen. I was sure she could help me figure something out. And maybe she could have, but as it turned out she didn't want to.
"So you're awake then." she said coldly as soon as I walked in. I stopped suddenly at her tone.
"Amelia, what …?"
"I'm not really interested Sookie. I'm glad you're ok but beyond that I don't much feel like talking to you right now."
"I'm sorry about … I didn't …" I wanted to explain I hadn't meant to shut myself off like that, that I didn't even know what I'd done or how I'd done it but her face was stone.
"You know, I know you've been through a lot but that doesn't excuse you being so selfish." she flung at me.
"Selfish, I wasn't …"
"Yes, you were. Cruel too. I'd never have expected that of you. If you only came back to make his life more miserable you should just go again. I'll even help you if you promise to stay away this time." I was surprised that it was because of Eric that Amelia was mad at me. Stupidly, though I agreed with her, my all-to-ready anger flared again.
"Amelia, since when are you on Eric's side? He threatened to chain me up in his basement you know." I knew I'd behaved badly but Eric wasn't exactly Mr Innocent either, we'd both said things we didn't mean. At least I didn't mean it and I hoped he didn't either.
"Maybe he shouldn't have threatened you but you do push him to it."
"I don't want to be a prisoner in my own home. Why is that so hard to understand?" I did think I was justified in that even if my reaction had been over the top.
"He wasn't saying you had to stay in the house, only that you shouldn't go out without protection." I knew Amelia hadn't been there for that part of our argument, which meant they had all planned the whole thing without me and I was just being informed last night.
I felt another of those strong surges of anger, not as strong as last night, but enough to make me snap at Amelia.
"Well it feels like the same thing. How would you like it if you couldn't come and go as you want?"
"I don't have a whole bunch of people that would like to kill me. But if I did, I'd be glad that someone wanted to protect me. It's not like you're the only person that has to accept some limitations for safeties sake."
"What do you mean?"
"Well you don't see the President wandering about without security."
"I'm not the President though Amelia, currently I'm an unemployed waitress."
"You are the telepathic, part-fairy bonded of a thousand-year-old Sheriff who is fighting for his continued existence, and yours too. I do understand why you get so upset about the things that happen to you. What I don't understand is why you take it all out on the one person who tries to keep you safe from it all. And what I really don't understand is why you insist on throwing his affection for you in his face at every opportunity."
"He hasn't even said he loves me." The anger was waning but there was still enough to run my mouth. Even as I said it I knew it was pathetic and unjust.
"Yes he has. It is in every action, every look. It is in the fact that he drops everything for you every time you need him, and stands between you and danger every chance he gets. Then you just step around him and go 'here I am, come and get me.' and still he saves you, normally getting hurt himself in the process. Open your eyes Sookie, anyone can say I love you, you say it." I winced at her implication "Living it is altogether harder. I'm sorry, you are my friend and I was so glad you came back, but right now I'm not sure it was such a good idea after all." And with that she got up and went upstairs closing her door behind her.
I was still stood by the counter in shock. I sat at the table staring at my hands. I don't think I'd ever felt so miserable in my life. It seemed I was slowly, or actually not that slowly, chasing away every person I cared about. My list of friends and family had never been that big, pretty soon it would be non-existent. Then there was the uncontrollable anger that seemed to burst out of me at the slightest thing. I couldn't blame them all for walking away from me.
I sat trying to sort through everything that had happened. I remembered thinking I was going to hear him out, try to weigh the situation reasonably. Then I was just so mad. I was still staring at my hands and suddenly remembered throwing the ring at Eric. I got up and went into the living room. It seemed I had a new chair and coffee table. Well that would explain the two loud crashes I'd heard. I knew under normal circumstances I'd be upset about the destruction of my furniture but right now I figured I'd done more damage throwing a band of engraved platinum, than Eric had done throwing a chair and table. I went to the couch. I checked underneath first. Nothing. Then I checked under the cushions. Not there either. I stood where I had been stood the night before and tried to work out the direction the ring would have gone. After a long time looking I still hadn't found it. I remembered my room had been put to rights and went to check in there. But I couldn't find it anywhere.
I became obsessed with my hunt, a desperate need filled me. My searching became more frantic as I pulled out the contents of my draws and then the draws themselves. Somehow I got the idea in my head that everything would be alright if I just round that damn ring. When I had finished destroying my room, I went back to the kitchen and then returned to the living room. I tore through each space like a tornado. I pulled out draws and cupboards, ripped open cushions and flipped the rugs. I tipped over the furniture, even the new stuff, and pulled things off the walls. Every time I got worn out I would cry for a while then get up with renewed zeal and start again. I was manically opening each and every video case, tipping out the contents on the floor, convinced for some mad reason that the ring was going to be inside one of them, when I felt Eric awake. I felt relief, curiosity, anger, then nothing in quick succession as he came-to then shut himself off.
I felt a flare of my own anger that he was allowed to shut me out but I wasn't allowed to shut him out. Then guilt as I remembered I'd asked him to limit the bond, then despair as I realised I deserved it anyway. Then I resumed my search, everything would be ok if I just found the ring. I opened the last case, tipped out the video and, of course, found no ring inside. I turned to throw the empty case at the wall behind me but it was caught by Henry.
I froze.
Suddenly I was aware of the destruction around me and how crazy my behaviour was. Henry looked casually at the case in his hand, reading the box, then slowly around the chaos, though I was sure he had taken it all in the second he'd come out of the spare room.
I opened and closed my mouth a few times like a fish but couldn't think of what to say. There was no sane explanation for what I was doing. Henry moved forward slowly as if worried he would scare me otherwise. He righted the couch and put the cushions back on it. Then gently he lifted me onto it and sat next to me. I still couldn't speak and just looked at my knees. Henry reached into his pocket and then opened my hand and placed the ring in it, closing my fingers over it. He didn't say a word. Silent tears poured down my face as I clutched the small band in my palm.
Eric had commissioned a very specific design for me. It was hand-made and he had clearly put some thought into it. The engravings on it depicted past, present and future. He said he was the past, we were the present and I was his future. The symbolism was from Norse mythology which he said represented him, and the three fates were in the form of swans which he said represented me. He said I was his fate and from now on our journey would be taken together. It had been such a beautiful night as he explained it all and we made love tenderly for once.
I had wanted to wear the ring at first. I loved it and the thoughts behind it. But then I had removed it when I went for a shower the next night as I was worried it would fall off and go down the drain. Eric had arrived and found it on the side instantly going into a tirade about never taking it off. He had stormed through my room throwing away all my other jewellery (burning his hands in the process as much of it was the silver I'd worn in California.) saying this was the only jewellery I needed now.
Of course, being stubborn, I had dug my heels in after that. Even though I had wanted to wear the ring, I refused to do so. I think we both realised we had been unreasonable. He didn't need to go off at me the way he did without giving me a chance to explain. But I could have made him listen if I'd really tried. Instead I was hurt so I hurt him back. Then we just fell into the habit of bickering about it until Pam intervened and offered a compromise. I ran my fingers over the ring, marvelling again at the beauty of the craftsmanship.
I heard Amelia's door open and then her footsteps which stopped suddenly halfway down the stairs. I felt a rush of shock and then fear from her mind before I slammed up the strongest shields I could muster to shut her out. I felt a slight movement from Henry. He didn't move from my side but I guessed he turned to look at her. They must have communicated some but I didn't hear anything. I just continued to cling to Eric's ring and cry quietly. After a moment a heard Amelia go out the front door and shortly after that her car started and drove away. Henry continued to sit quietly next to me waiting for me to be ready to speak.
Finally I had pulled myself together a bit. But I couldn't yet talk about me. I looked at him and took a breath.
"Did you get a chance to talk to Claudine?"
"Only briefly." I saw that sad resignation in his eyes again, it made my heart bleed for him.
"Amelia had to stay until you got up." I said, it wasn't a question.
"Yes."
"She didn't want to." I took another deep breath to keep myself under control.
"She volunteered."
"Maybe she didn't trust anyone else to keep me here."
"Maybe you are not the only one that doesn't always say exactly what they feel." I nodded. I deserved that. Amelia had said that she was still my friend, even if she was mad at me right now. My mind drifted back to Claudine.
"Is there no way?" I asked obscurely, but Henry seemed to follow my thoughts.
"I can control myself around her scent but I wouldn't be able to stop if I tasted her blood. Even if I didn't bite her, if she got hurt or had a accident and she was bleeding near me." he shook his head and shivered "Besides, it would most likely start a war between our kinds that could kill a lot of people. People we care about. She is royalty, and I … I have been around a long time."
"Right now I can sympathise, it seems Eric and I can't be together without wanting to kill each other either. And our connection certainly seems to be putting everyone around us in danger. Just this week Pam was nearly toasted and it's possible someone is trying to mess with Jason too. Perhaps Amelia is right and I should just go before I get someone killed."
"I know it seems to you right now that Amelia came down firmly on the Eric side, but she has been watching his sadness for a whole year. That is bound to evoke the sympathy of someone as kind as she is. But the fault is not all yours. You are too much alike in some ways as I have said before." he glanced around the room again and a smile twitched his lips "Plus with the bond, as soon as one of you gets angry you both do, almost guaranteeing a fight. That is something else I wanted to talk to you about." he looked at me seriously but the words were too much like Eric's last night just before we'd fought. I laughed a little, but without humour.
"I'm sorry Henry, I don't think I have it in me for another argument right now. Maybe tomorrow night." He smiled at that.
"Actually I think you'll find you could argue again very easily, though I intend to do my best to prevent it. Which is why I must talk to you. Understanding will make control easier."
"What are you talking about?"
"Your fears about Eric's blood are not completely erroneous" I turned to look fully at Henry.
"What do you mean?"
"Well for a start, you are both dealing with the bond again after a year without it. On top of that with the regular blood exchanges it is stronger than it has ever been. Sex can enhance it as well." he added lightly.
I started to blush but he went on "The biggest problem is that you have had a lot of very strong vampire blood after a long time with none. From what I understand, originally you started with much less potent blood and the first time you had Eric's blood it was only a very small amount."
"So I like, built up a tolerance?" This was sounding like drug addiction after all.
"Sort of. But it is not about the physical effects of the blood, it is the emotional ones. Though full blood-bonds are rare there are some documented cases."
"Wait full blood-bond? There are different kinds?"
"You and Eric have exchanged blood on several occasions, as you know vampires sometime do this to control a human. The bond between you and Eric is different though because you have also shared your bodies and your, for want of a better term, souls. You have loved, cared for each other. You have shared true intimacy. That is a rare thing for anyone."
"Oh." There was no denying it, especially considering the time Eric stayed with me, we had shared everything even before we were bonded.
Henry seemed to take pity on me and continued with his explanation without pushing the point I had raised.
"Most humans do not sense the emotions of the vampire to the extent that you do, nor do they have the control to focus chosen emotions through the bond as you do." I raised my eyebrows at him "Eric told me you sent him strength the night he was released at the compound." he said explaining his knowledge.
"Vampire emotions are a lot stronger and more compelling than human emotions. It is part of the reason young vampires take time to learn control. Even Eric has suffered some lapse in control due to your renewed bond but he has had a millennia to practice controlling strong emotional surges, you have not. The two of you together, especially as you are both such … passionate people … well lets just say your house is in better shape than it has a right to be." he smiled at me but I was busy processing.
I remembered from the start how I'd noticed my temper getting the better of me more and more after I started hanging out with vampires. I'd had Bill's blood almost immediately. He's not as old as Eric but I'd had quite a lot of it. I also realised how docile I was the whole time I was in California, how I seemed to become more so as the months passed. I had got use to the strong flares of feeling. My normal human emotions just were not enough to make me feel alive any more.
"So is it my emotions or Eric's that are making me crazy? I mean he was keeping control of himself last night, well until I lost it he was." I remembered. Henry actually laughed, I really didn't find it so funny. I glared at him and he straightened his face quickly. I checked myself but my temper was under control for now.
"I'm sorry Sandy. It is just, well there is the fact that you are about half the size of Eric and watching you face off against him is a startling sight in itself, it's like David and Goliath." He flashed a quick smile "Plus I've known Eric a long time and very few will go face to face with him like that, even older vampires are cautious because of his size and fighting prowess." he shook his head "When you said 'Make me!' and he just froze! Well, I wish I had a video camera." Henry started to chuckle again but quickly checked my face. I was stunned but I guess I could see what he was saying.
I remember how scared I'd been of Eric when I first saw him. I also realised that Amelia had been right. I knew he loved me, it was why I could argue with him like I did. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. It was the same as when he had put that stake in my hand knowing I wouldn't hurt him. I felt a knee-buckling rush of guilt and was glad I was sitting. Henry seemed to notice and placed his hand on mine for a moment. I offered him a small smile to let him know I was ok.
"To answer your question, most of what you feel is your own emotions they are just stronger," no kidding "but if you are together and both feeling the same thing then that feeling will be emphasised. It is the combination of both sets of emotions that is causing your loss of control. You are feeling Eric's emotions, even if he blocks them from you, when you are in close proximity. You can always feel them to some extent or their influence at least. But also your own emotions are much stronger than normal, because of the combination of your heritage and his blood in your system."
"I'm only one-eighth Fairy."
"Yes but why do you think they call it the essential spark?" he smiled at me "Fairies are fiery."
"So are you saying I shouldn't have any more of Eric's blood?" I suddenly wasn't sure how I felt about that. I would have thought I'd be happy, but the idea that I couldn't have it, that it might be dangerous after all …
"That is for you and Eric to decide. It is not harmful and now you understand what is happening with your emotions you will be able to control them better. Though there is nothing wrong with the occasional loss of control in the right moment." he smirked at me and suddenly reminded me strongly of Eric.
"But while I would recommend you be aware of how much of Eric's blood you have in the short term, as you readjust to the stronger emotions it will cease to throw you off-course as much as it has these last two weeks. To use an unfortunate comparison you are like a person who has been t-total for a long time who then suddenly drinks the entire bottle of Whisky. It is no wonder you woke up with a headache but that doesn't mean you can't have the occasional glass now and then.
I suspect it is also why you were able to shut yourself off last night. Your body and mind were aware you needed to 'take a break' as it were, and your desire to do so was strong enough to achieve the state required."
"Wow." Was all I could think of to say.
"Indeed."
"So I am not going crazy?" I asked after a quiet moment.
"No my dear. You are a little overwhelmed that is all. And now you know what is happening, I think you will have much more control."
"Does Eric know about this?"
"He was aware of the theory, but until I pointed it out last night, I do not believe he applied it to the situation between the two of you."
I looked down at the ring in my hand again "It doesn't excuse what I said though. Eric said some stuff too, but only after I was so angry with him. I was scared too, I guess maybe he was as well, only scared for me, and it all got mixed up. But it doesn't make it ok. Maybe I wouldn't have said those things without this crazy blood thing but I was obviously thinking them, otherwise where did it come from?"
"Eric has an overwhelming desire to protect you and you have an overwhelming desire to be free to live your life. If you were both totally honest with yourselves and each other, it works the other way too. The biggest problem you two have though is you tend to talk at each other rather than to each other."
"You're right. Sadly we were making process with that yesterday before I …" I recalled Eric and I compromising, him listening to my concerns about being a kept woman, his happiness when I told him about the potion, the look in his eye when I was putting away the clothes. I felt an overwhelming desire alright, but it wasn't freedom I was thinking of, it was making things right with Eric.
Just then, Henry's phone rang. He had been watching my face and didn't look at the phone when he stood and said,
"I'd better take this in the other room." and wandered out to the kitchen. I looked again at the ring in my hand. I wanted to put it on but wasn't sure if I had the right after how I'd behaved. I could hear Henry murmuring in the kitchen as I wrestled with the rights and wrongs of whether I should put the ring on or not.
The quote Sookie as trying to remember is from Freedom's Plough by Langston Hughes and is 'Better die free/Than to live Slaves.' (She doesn't really think Eric is trying to enslave her, she just mis-remembered the quote)
Sookie's ring can been seen at the link on my profile. It's not quite as unique as I have suggested but hey, this is fiction right.
I hope I have explained the bond's effect on their emotions clearly and done a better job of showing Sookie is not entirely lost to all good, even if she has let her anger get the better of her. Also that Eric is as tolerant as he is because he can feel her inner turmoil. Any questions just ask. As always constructive criticism welcome. (For those of you wondering why anger is the emotion she is feeling most, there is more explanation in the next chapter.) Also can anyone give me info on getting a beta? Or tell me where I can find out.
Thanks for reading.