Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to James Bond, Jason Bourne, John Wick, Canada, or Old Spice (though Old Spice doesn't make a product placement in this story; just covering all my bases, people).

John Wick IV: John Wick V. Jason Bourne

4—When the Curtain Falls

It was one of those really long fight scenes. Like James Bond. One where it starts off as a kung fu death brawl to the death, then a footchase, then a car chase, then another footchase, then it goes parkour and becomes a rooftop chase scene, probably climb a crane or two just to raise the stakes; then a motorcycle chase, a boat chase, then one of them chased the other one who was in the boat (I got mixed up at this point so I wasn't sure which was which anymore) on a motorcycle, then they somehow made it to an airport and had a gunfight at the airport, then stole a private jet each and had an air chase (or, no, I think one of them had a helicopter), and finally they crash landed somewhere and had another footchase. *Breather* Then Jason Bourne got tired of this mess and broke both of John Wick's kneecaps and shot him in the head.

But first-

"WAIT!" CRIED JOHN WICK. (oh, sorry, I forgot to turn caps lock off, my bad.)

This final confrontation of final confrontations occurred on the top of a very tall building (of course) and now somehow it was raining and dark. Go figure.

They were both completely covered in blood (an even mixture, it seemed, of their own and their opponents) and were panting heavilly (because their lungs were punctured). John Wick had a little of his intestines hanging out.

(I mean, it was one of those LOOONG chase/fight scenes. Like a John Wick chase/fight scene. Except even EXTRA LONG for John Wick, to make up for all the moody human relational scenes we had in the first half of the movie.)

John Wick cried, "WAIIIT! (*gaspgaspgasp*)"

Jason Bourne checked his watch. "I don't have time for this," he grumbled. "WHAT IS IT!"

"Please, just, (*pantpantpant*pant*), leave my dog, alone," panted John Wick.

"I don't care about your fucking dog," said Jason Bourne, and shot the dog in the head.

"WHAT?" CRIED JOHN WICK. (oh crap, sorry, caps lock again.) He turned his madly to see his dog, now dead. "WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE, BUDDY!?"

"Okay, come on, let's get this over with," said Jason Bourne in his like Milwaukee accent, and put the gun in John Wick's face again.

John Wick had to think fast. "WAAAAIIT!" he moaned.

Jason Bourne was THIS close to pulling the trigger and ending it this time. His triggerhand tremored slightly in anxious indecision (a good band name, if anyone is looking), and then grumpilly put it down again. "WHAT IS IT NOW?" he whined.

"Just, just, just, just, just," said John Wick, panting, "Just, leave my nurse, with whom I'm in love, alone… please…" said John Wick.

"I don't care about your fucking lover," said Jason Bourne in his classic, classy Milwaukee accent, and blew Gabrielle's head off.

John Wick didn't know she'd been standing there, but could assume who Jason Bourne had been shooting at. "NOOOO-OOO!" he cried as he whipped his head around wildly to meet her eyes, standing on the other side of the roof. Then she fell over dead, on the roof.

"What the f**k, man!" said John Wick.

"Okay, you loser, anything else? No? Good." said Jason Bourne, and finally shot John Wick in the face.

And John Wick died.

And that's why Jason Bourne would beat the shit out of John Wick if they ever fought.

A/N: I waited until the end this time for the Author's Note just to trick you out. Just to say, I know Bourne is a little harsh, so I hope that didn't offend any hardcore Bourne fans. I was trying to channel his inner cold-hearted, "I'm on my own side" badass. Also he's even more of a jerk in the novels than he is in the movies. But anyway, still was feeling the kind of anti-hero on him in this story, so, thought I would point that out. Let me know in the comments how it HITS YA! (And be sure to stick around for the Epilogue: Let's Hear It for the Boy!) Comments, critiques, reviews and suggestions welcome as always!