Sunday School With Hidan

Warning: Violence

Chapter Four: Hidan on Rituals

The third day oF Hidan's classes did not start off as well as the other two had. "Damn you, Tobi!" Deidara screeched. "You stupid shithead, you broke the coffee pot!"

"It was an accident!" Tobi whined. "You know that, Deidara-sempai!"

"Accident or not, I'm still gonna kill you-un!" Deidara shouted. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"It's a fucking coffee pot," he said. "Don't bleed in the kitchen. Even I don't come in the kitchen after a ritual. We all eat food prepared in here- let's try to keep it clean." Deidara glared.

"Fine," he said grudgingly, taking his seat.

"Now then, everyone," Hidan intoned. "Today we will learn the proper way to perform the impalement ritual." Everyone around the table winced.

"Ow..." Tobi whispered. Even Itachi looked like he'd rather be anywhere other than involved in this conversation.

"You've got to be kidding!" Zetsu's light side said, while his dark side added, "That would kill us, smart one." Hidan shook his head.

"By converting to Jashinism, you gain eternal life!" he exclaimed. "The ritual only increases your stamina and your favor in the sight of Jashin-sama! It is not dangerous to you at all, as long as you cast the right circle and you mean the ritual!"

"What do you mean, mean the ritual?" Tobi asked.

"You have to be focused on worshipping Jashin-sama, and really intend to give your life over to him," Hidan answered. "The ritual is a dialogue between Jashin-sama and his worshipper. It is a sacred, holy thing, and misuse of the ritual will result in dire consequences."

"Well, you would think so!" Kakuzu said sarcastically. "Any deity probably has better things to do than listen to the half-baked rituals of lukewarm worshippers." Hidan stared at him in amazement.

"I guess you are not as much of a dumbass as you look!" he exclaimed. "How did you know that?"

"Well, if I was a deity, I would be pretty annoyed if people were bothering me all of the time," Kakuzu responded. Hidan nodded.

"The First Book of Ritual, 6:12 says, 'Jashin-sama shall smite those who do not considereth their rituals to be of the utmost sanctity,' " he recited. "Jashin-sama talkes rituals seriously."

"There's more than one Book of Ritual?" Itachi asked.

"There's two," Hidan replied. "The first states the importance of rituals, and the second states how to perform them."

"Oh."

"It's confusing, I know," Hidan said. "But try to take it all in- it could save your soul. Plus, it is good for the psyche to learn about these things."

"Whatever," Kakuzu interjected. "I'm only here because you would never let me be in peace again if I skipped out. Let's just get this over with- I want to grab my breakfast and go back to bed!"

"At least you can actually get breakfast! Some moron broke the coffee pot, so I can't have breakfast!" a very angry Deidara glared at Tobi.

"Oh for fuck's sake, Deidara, get over it! Just drink some tea or something!" Sasori almost screamed. "Don't be so high maintenance!"

"But Danna, Tobi's pissing me off-un!" Deidara whined.

"If you don't shut up and let me finish, I'm going to use your ass to demonstrate the ritual," Hidan warned. Deidara shut up quickly. "Thank you. Now, the ritual itself is very simple. The Second Book of Ritual explains it. I am not going to read the entire book to you, so I'll paraphrase it: You draw a curse-circle, step inside it, take the scythe and stab yourself. It's quite simple."

"It sounds suicidal," Tobi said, eyes wide."

"We already went over that!" Hidan replied exasperatedly. "It won't kill you if you wholeheartedly trust Jashin-sama! Don't be a pussy, it's not dangerous."

"I'd kind of like to play it safe for now..." Kisame said weakly. Everyone nodded in agreement. Hidan sighed.

"Fine, have it your way."

To Be Continued!

Author's Comments-

I still haven't gotten my computer fixed, but I wanted to update. I have to make this quick because I'm still on the shared computer, and I'm not sure how much time I have left. Anyway, the next chapter will be the last. Thank you for reading all the way through.

-Kaboom