Chapter 4: Heat

Prim and my mother are already gone by the time I get up in the morning. Peeta sits calmly in the common room, playing with a length of rope. I recognize the knots he's tying as the ones Finnick taught me while we waited for Peeta and Annie to be rescued.

He mumbles something that sounds like "Good morning" while I just stand and stare at him. When I don't respond, he gestures to the rope and says "Finnick showed me how to tie knots. It helps when I'm… agitated."

"How long have you been up?" I say.

He runs right hand through his hair. "A while. But I thought it would be better if we went to breakfast… together."

I nod. He's right; it would be better, Plutarch and Coin would like it better. I hate that I have to analyze every gesture from him, trying to sort out how he really feels from what he thinks is expected of him. It takes me back to our first games, when I tried to see the line between what Peeta did for the games and what he really felt for me. But my uncertainly ended on the train ride home. When I consider how Peeta must have felt for the past two years, the guilt is overpowering. I wonder if I could have figured everything out sooner, if I'd understood my feelings for Peeta, if he'd understood what he meant to me, would the Capitol still have been able to take him from me?

We play a little "Real or Not Real" over breakfast, only superficial things; where we sat in our classes at school, our shared passion for hot chocolate, the costumes during the tribute parades.

After breakfast, he heads to the medical wing for more therapy. The tattoo on my wrist tells me that I'm supposed to be in a class on identifying Peacekeeper weapons. For once, I decide to go instead of holing up in a closet. The class is scheduled to last for three hours but the material is both dull and horrifying. I end up leaving class two hours early after I fall asleep and wake up from a nightmare screaming. I'm embarrassed enough that I resolve never to go again. There's no way I'm getting back to sleep after that, but my desire to be alone leads me to a convenient, rarely-used laundry room.

I'm only there for a few minutes before I'm startled by the door opening. I scramble to my feet as one of two male figures closes the door behind him. Even in the dim light I can easily recognize Haymitch as he turns to the other man and spits out "Like I said; she wouldn't head back to the compartment." He turns back to me before he says "She's not much for company."

I try to act nonchalant as I brush the dust off of my pants. "What do you want?"

Haymitch motions to the man behind him and now I can see that it's one of the doctors from 13. I've seen him before, speaking to Haymitch or Beetee. I finally learn his name when Haymitch speaks up. "Dr. Lloyd here just heard about your new living arrangements. He's got a couple of questions for you."

The doctor steps into a patch of light, but he's silent. He stares, his large brown eyes looking me up and down before he finally says "Ms. Everdeen, my name is Gaius Lloyd. I'm the chief psychiatrist in this district." Haymtich mutters "A head doctor," unnecessarily.

"As per your request, I've left it to Mr. Abernathy to keep you informed on Mr. Mellark's condition up to this point. However this... stunt by Heavensbee, forcing him to share a compartment with you, was made without consulting me and I have serious reservations about it. Have you seen Mr. Mellark make any attempt to harm himself?"

My heart skips a beat. "What?"

"Ms. Everdeen, are you familiar with the term 'Multiple Personality Disorder'?"

I can feel myself flush with embarrassment and anger. "I can take a guess at what it means," I hiss through clenched teeth.

I hear Haymitch chuckling in the darkness, but I don't take my eyes off of Lloyd's smooth, round face. After an eternity of staring at each other, he speaks again. "Mr. Mellark's torture was… unusual. Every aspect of it was focused on the suffering of others, on his inability to protect them; his friends and family in District 12, the Avoxes that had served him in the Training Center, his fellow prisoners, particularly Mrs. Odair. His captors used every means at their disposal to convince him that you were responsible for what was being done to them, that he had to protect them from you. By any means necessary."

My hands tremble as I struggle to hold myself together. This is exactly why I tried to have everything routed through Haymitch. He can understand what hearing this is doing to me, what Peeta was to me before, why I can't bear to be around this twisted version of him. He finally clears his throat and interrupts. "She feels guilty enough, doc. Just get to the point."

"Mr. Mellark has made incredible progress since he was first brought to us. In his more lucid moments, he can now recall those parts of his life that the Capitol did not have film of with astonishing precision. He now rarely views you as a threat to anyone but himself. However an unintended consequence of his restored memory is that when his original memories and the altered ones are irreconcilable, it can lead to a violent internal conflict. Some of Mr. Mellark's statements during episodes have been worrisome."

Before I can torture myself by asking for details, Haymitch steps in again. "What he's trying to say, sweetheart, is that Peeta's having a little trouble deciding if he ought to kill you or himself."

I shake my head violently as I try to regain some composure. "He hasn't… He said he was afraid of me, last night. That's it. He hasn't said anything like… that."

Dr. Lloyd nods and turns towards the door but over his shoulder, he leaves me with "We keep Mr. Mellark under close observation during his therapy. If he says or does anything that worries you, I'd appreciate it if you contact me."

When he shuts the door behind him, Haymitch and I glare at each other briefly before he runs his hand across his forehead and asks "When's the last time there was anything about that boy that didn't worry you, sweetheart?"

O- - - - - - - - - - - - -O

I start on lunch early, eating the hideous gruel slowly and waiting for Peeta to join me, but he never does. When I ask Delly and Johanna about him, they haven't seen him either.

When it's time to go to training, I'm worried but I head over anyway. Maybe Peeta just didn't want to eat lunch in the cafeteria. But what if he had an episode in therapy? What if Dr. Lloyd is right and he does want to hurt himself? I can't tell if I'm more worried about him or about all the children too young to be sent into a warzone.

We're supposed to be practicing hand to hand combat today, but I'm too distracted to take part. It doesn't matter really. I'm strong for my size but that isn't saying much. I still couldn't wrestle a straw scarecrow to the ground.

My voice catches in my throat when Peeta finally shows up. He looks dazed as I run to him and hug him tightly. I wish I knew how much of this is an act and how much is genuine. But I've never been good at analyzing feelings, even my own. I can't tell where the real Katniss ends and Star-Crossed Lover Katniss begins.

Peeta's hands tremble as he pushes me away gently. I look up into his eyes and all I can see is fear; why is he so much more afraid today? What did they do to him in therapy? I thought he was getting better!

Eventually the haze of my anger fades enough for me to realize that Peeta is talking with Cressida. She's trying to get him to demonstrate some wrestling moves for us, but he keeps refusing.

"I can't do that, Cressida, not now. I just can't." he pleads.

She's talking but I don't hear the words, it's just noise. I step in between them and shove her an arm's length away before I practically shout at her "He said no! That's the end of it. Film something else."

It's so quiet that I can hear Peeta's elevated heartbeat behind me before he speaks. "Thank you… sweetheart."

I turn to face him, a tentative, fake smile on my face, but he's not looking at me.

He raises his voice enough to tell everyone "I'm sorry that I'm late, I've had a lot on my mind. Gale? Can you take a walk with me? There's something I want to ask you. In private."

Gale does a lousy job of hiding his surprise, but he readily agrees. "Sure, Peeta. Let's walk."

O- - - - - - - - - - - - -O

Gale and Peeta have been sitting on a rocky outcropping off in the distance for what seems like an hour. The rest of us try to focus on our hand-to-hand combat exercises, but it's hopeless. Everyone's gaze keeps returning to them.

Finnick tries to ease the tension by asking me "What's the matter, Katniss? Afraid that Peeta finds Gale's features distracting? He's a handsome fellow and after all, a face very like his turned Peeta's head before. I wonder what it is. The grey eyes? The olive skin? The luxurious dark hair, perhaps?"

I scowl at him and announce that I'm going to practice shooting for a while. I imagine that each target is Finnick smirking at me.

When Peeta and Gale finally wander back, Peeta looks better, calmer, happier, in control. He wraps one arm around my shoulders and presses a gentle kiss to my forehead. I can see Gale watching us out of the corner of my eye but he doesn't look angry, just… watchful.

Peeta raises his voice slightly to get everyone's attention. "I'm sorry I stole Gale for so long but I had something pretty important to ask him. I won't deny that I was worried, because I know how protective Gale can be of his little cousin here. But he's given us his blessing and agreed to be my best man at our official wedding."

He flashes a huge smile, Cressida's eating it up, everyone's clapping and Gale even smiles and gives a little bow. Nothing makes any sense to me, who are these people? I feel as if everyone knows the script to this propo but me.

Peeta, Gale and I leave training early because Peeta insists that we need to "celebrate". But as soon as we get inside, Gale and Peeta nod to each other and Gale leaves us. I try to ask Peeta about all of his and Gale's strange behavior, but he keeps shaking his head and moving towards our compartment while I trail along behind him.

We're almost there when we turn a corner and find ourselves face to face with Plutarch and Haymitch.

The four of us just stare at each other for a few beats until Haymitch cocks his head towards our compartment. Peeta nods.

Once the door closes, Plutarch starts gushing. "Peeta! That scene with Gale was simply amazing!" He lowers his voice slightly, even though we're obviously alone and says conspiratorially "You know I thought he was going to be difficult."

Peeta dropped my hand and stepped away from me the second the door closed. I turn towards him but I can't read his face when he responds. "He's someone I can trust."

"Well that's fantastic. And it touches on the reason that Mr. Abernathy and I wanted to speak with you two. Now that you two seem to have found some chemistry, we should really start working out the details for the wedding."

I can see Haymitch rolling his eyes when Plutarch continues "Now I've been warned by President Coin against anything too extravagant, but she's given me a little more room to work this time and I think it's a fantastic opportunity. People are really going to connect with this."

Peeta is obviously agitated again and it makes him uncharacteristically impatient. "What do you mean 'connect'?"

Plutarch says "Well, Finnick has been popular for years, but no one knew anything about Annie. After seeing you two together in the games, on the Victory Tour, the proposal, those touching moments on the beach, everyone feels that they really know you."

I can't resist snarling "They don't know us!"

"Now Katniss, really? Peeta, will talk to your fiancée? This attitude simply won't do. We're on a tight schedule."

At the word "fiancée", Peeta tenses up and his pupils expand, turning his lovely blue eyes black. He takes a couple steps towards Plutarch, grips his collar in his right hand and begins fiddling with Plutarch's elaborate neck-tie with his left. "Don't call her that, not here. We agreed to pretend for the audience, for the cameras, not for you."

Plutarch is turning pale as Peeta continues in a deliberate even tone "When you say things that aren't real, it makes me angry. You don't want to make me angry, Mr. Heavensbee. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

When Peeta releases his grip, Plutarch scurries out of the room like a frightened rabbit. While my eyes are locked on Peeta, I can hear Haytmich chuckling before he walks out the door.

"Boy, just what makes you think that he likes you now?"

O- - - - - - - - - - - - -O

When the door closes, I take a step towards Peeta, but he takes a step backwards to keep his distance. I find myself stamping my foot like Prim when I whine "Peeta, what's going on? First the thing with Gale and now you threaten Plutarch, what happened in therapy today?"

Peeta won't look me in the eye, though I note that his eyes have returned to normal.

"Nothing bad happened, Katniss. I just… Some things make more sense now than they used to."

"That's good isn't it? Making sense of things."

Peeta nods nervously. "Yeah, it's good, really good. Look, Katniss, I'm tired. I just want to take a nap here for reflection."

I can't keep my hands from fiddling with the pockets of my uniform. "Okay, I'll be in my room, I guess."

Peeta's eyes widen in surprise and he runs his hand nervously through his hair before he awkwardly responds "Um, I know it's a lot to ask, but do you think that maybe you could 'reflect' somewhere else. It's just that I'm so tired and I think I'd sleep better if…"

I finish his sentence for him. "If I wasn't around."

I try not to let it show, but it still hurts. Peeta was the boy who couldn't get enough of me. After the games, we could only really sleep in each other arms. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me, he can't even sleep if I'm around for fear that I'm a mutt that'll kill him when he's most vulnerable.

It's humiliating that he doesn't want me anymore and the fact that I still can't sleep without him just makes it worse. But I put on my best fake smile and say "It's fine, Peeta, I think I'll go visit Prim."

He almost looks hurt as he stares back at me. "Katniss… I'll see you at dinner, okay?"

I manage to choke out "Yeah, see you at dinner." and walk out the door before he can hurt me any more.

O- - - - - - - - - - - - -O

I find Prim in the medical wing examining some kind of chart and she gives me a nice bright smile when she sees me. "Hi."

I don't quite have it in me to smile back when I reply "Hey."

She looks so much older when she's working in the medical wing, the purpose it gives her, the way it shows off her beautiful mind, I feel like I'm the little sister sometimes.

She looks me up and down and asks "What's on your mind, big sis?"

I glance around to make sure that no one's within earshot and then quietly ask "What happened to Peeta in therapy?"

Prim's brow furrows and she shakes her head. "Nothing worth reporting. I was here while he watched some tape of your Victory Tour and then I had to go observe a surgery. When I got back, Dr. Lloyd's assistant said he'd left to go film a propo."

I make a small, frustrated noise. "Something happened, Prim. He showed up late and he was acting all weird. He talked with Gale and then told everyone Gale agreed to be part of the… the wedding. It doesn't make sense."

Prim looks thoughtful. "I don't know, Katniss. Peeta's pretty convincing."

"The old Peeta was."

Prim stamps her foot and raises her voice when she says "Stop saying things like that! He's not a different person; he's just confused."

When she quietly continues "You've been confused too." I reflexively touch my forehead as my eyes glance down to the other wrist where my "mentally disoriented" bracelet used to hang.

She picks up her chart and politely says "I really need to get back to work, Katniss." before she walks away.

Great. Now Prim's mad at me too.

O- - - - - - - - - - - - -O

I pick at my dinner while I wait for Peeta to show up. I can't figure it out. He seems more comfortable playing up our relationship for an audience now. But as soon as we're alone, he can't be far enough away from me.

I think back to how much I tried to resist wanting Peeta because Snow was going to force us to get married. Is Peeta pulling away from me because of Coin's forced marriage? The old Peeta never minded being stuck with me, but the old Peeta looked at me and saw the sun and the moon and the stars, not a plain girl who kisses one guy after another in between bouts of killing people. No wonder I don't have any appetite.

When Peeta finally arrives, he looks happier, but he's with Gale. I decide that no matter what, Peeta is going to tell me what's going on tonight after dinner. His "I'm so tired" excuse won't work on me again.

Peeta sits across from me, as usual, while Gale sits down between Delly and Johanna. I hiss at Peeta "You and Gale seem pretty friendly now." But he just rolls his eyes and quietly mocks me "Now sweetheart, don't get jealous. Gale and I are just good friends. We have similar taste."

It's the old Peeta's kind of joke and when I realize that, it just confuses me more. I simmer and scowl at him while Annie and Leeg 2 both congratulate Gale on being made "best man". That gives me about thirty seconds for my brain to buzz before Venia asks me "Have you decided who you want for your maid of honor, Katniss?"

How can I? I never wanted to get married. And we don't have "maids of honor" in 12. My only female friend is dead. My sister must be too young. Who would Plutarch want me to pick? Annie? Can the "maid of honor" be married? Johanna's a victor too, but it's too risky putting her in front of a camera; who knows what she'd say. What does the maid of honor do again? I almost wish I'd paid attention when Effie tried to explain how a Capitol wedding worked.

I'm about to start hyperventilating when I feel Peeta's hand on mine. He's touching the back of my hand. Tracing something. An arrow. Why? Wait, what does it point toward? Delly.

The fog in my head clears for just long enough for me to understand. I stumble getting the words out, but I make sure I have nice bright Capitol smile on. "Well… since Peeta took my favorite cousin for his best man, I think that… he should give me Delly. After all, she used to tell people that she was his sister."

The look of adoration in Delly's eyes makes me uncomfortable when she squeaks "Really, Katniss? Oh, I would be honored!"

I try to sound happy instead of relieved when I say "I know you'll do a great job, Delly."

Once again, all we can talk about at dinner is the amazing love story of Peeta and Katniss. I'm too distracted to remember what the right answers are to any of their questions. But Peeta and Delly manage to field most of the questions with answers sappy enough for Plutarch.

I'm in my own little world when Peeta's voice snaps me out of it. "Katniss!" My eyes focus on him and I realize that everyone's gone; the only ones left at the table are Gale, Peeta and me.

When he sees that he has my attention, Peeta continues "We should get going."

I'm about to mumble goodbye to Gale, but he and Peeta stand up and clasp their right hands together. They look straight into each other's eyes and nod almost imperceptibly before Gale walks away tossing a "See you guys tomorrow" over his shoulder.

I don't want to risk a scene in the hallways, so I decide to patiently wait until we're back in our compartment before forcing the truth out of Peeta. We hold hands, as usual, but Peeta's grip on my hand is so faint that I have to squeeze his to keep our hands from slipping apart.

When we finally step inside our common room, I'm shocked to see that the furniture has been rearranged and from the looks Prim and my mother give us from the chairs by the television, so are they.

Prim cocks her head to the side and comes right out with it, "Why did you two move everything?"

I shake my head and start to sputter some denial while Peeta walks over to his bedroll which is now right in front of the radiator. He lifts up the blanket to reveal a set of handcuffs and a small peacekeeper energy weapon.

I'm frozen. I should have seen this coming. Coin's going to get her wish; this mutt in Peeta's body is going to kill us all and there's nothing I can do. All the weapons are in the armory. It might take more than three men to wrestle a weapon out of Peeta's hands, let alone two women and a girl. I've failed everyone again.

I'm still standing at the doorway trembling when I realize that Peeta is right in front of me, handing me the weapon, grip first, with an unsteady hand. "Take it, Katniss. Please."

I take the weapon and look over towards my family but they're as confused as I am.

Peeta sits down on his blanket before my mother works up the courage to ask him "Peeta, what is this? Where did you get these things?"

Peeta snaps the handcuffs on his left wrist before he looks up at us. "They're precautions. A friend got them from the armory for me. If Katniss has that and I chain myself to this thing," he gestures towards the radiator, "then maybe we can get through this without me killing anyone."

My mother shakes her head "Peeta, Dr. Lloyd wouldn't have released you if he didn't have confidence that you were safe to be around others, what brought this on?"

Peeta can't meet her gaze any longer and as he turns away, I see a tear slide down his cheek. "What brought this on is that someone showed me the truth for once."

Tears start to stream freely down his face as he continues "I didn't know. I've never seen myself like that before. Katniss is right. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt. I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!"

Before I have time to react, Prim is out of her chair and practically nose-to-nose with Peeta when she shrieks "Who showed you the tape? It was Adriana, wasn't it? Answer me!"

The tape. There's a tape of Peeta strangling me. It's the only way it makes sense. Of course Plutarch filmed the reunion of the Star-Crossed Lovers. And for a moment, it was just like before the Victory Tour, me rushing towards Peeta, smiling, arms outstretched, thinking about him kissing me.

I want to scream. I want to sob. I want to dry Peeta's tears. I want run away and hide in a closet. I want to kill Plutarch. I want to kill Coin. I want to kill Snow. And though I don't even know her, I want to kill Adriana.

That's what finally makes it from my addled brain to my lips. I croak "Who's Adriana?"

I can see that Prim's crying too when her head snaps towards me. "She's a manipulative tramp that works for Dr. Lloyd!"

Hearing something like that come out of Prim's mouth shocks everyone, but no one more than my mother. "Prim, language!"

Prim whips her head around so fast that her braid nearly smacks her in the face. "Well, she is! I've seen the way she puts her hand on his arm. She switches shifts with the other nurses to get more time with him and then she wears shirts that are too small to fit me!"

Prim turns back to Peeta. "She's not your friend! She wants to get between you and Katniss and that's why she showed you that tape."

Peeta wipes both of his cheeks with his right hand before he replies "Prim, stop it. I asked for it; I asked her what was wrong with me, why people were afraid of me. Now I know. It has nothing to do with Katniss. That's not real. And it's my fault that we have to pretend. I started all of this."

I can't look at either of them, I'm staring down at my boots and it's only when a drop of water splashes on one of them that I realize that I'm crying. The old Peeta never had to pretend to love me. I want to tell him, to make him remember, but I can't. I don't have any right. And it's too late. Whatever we had is gone now. The only thing that matters is killing Snow. Once I kill Snow, I'm free. When I close my eyes, I can see myself standing over his body as I bite down on my nightlock pill.

Prim interrupts my morbid thoughts when she says "You can lie to yourself, Peeta. But you can't lie to me. I can tell."

As soon as she's inside her and my mother's room, she slams the door.

My mother gets up and looks down at Peeta as he locks the handcuff onto one of the radiator's pipes with a click that echoes in the silence. "I won't speak for anyone else, Peeta. But I don't think you're a monster. You're a good man and you're the only connection I have left to a man I loved."

She reaches down to stroke his hair back from his forehead before she continues "What they did to you isn't your fault. And you can't let guilt consume you. You know that I once abandoned my own daughters, left them to starve; you're the only reason that the three of us are still alive. How much more reason do I have to feel guilty, how much more of a monster am I than you are?"

She slowly gets up, turns away and she's almost at the door to the room she shares with Prim when Peeta calls after her "You're wrong, Mrs. Everdeen. I'm not myself anymore, not that smiling kid everyone wants me to be. But even a monster can be good for something. I can hold up my end of the act. I'll convince them. For Prim. I'll protect her. Always."

My mother gives him only the faintest nod before she closes the door behind her.

The silence that follows is deafening. Peeta finally breaks it by telling me "The key is in your drawer."

"What?"

"The key, to the handcuffs. It's in the drawer in your room. I'm sorry I went in there… it's just… the key is so small. I didn't want it getting lost in the blanket."

It's absurd when you think about it; the one man I've invited into my bed is embarrassed about entering my room. But is he the same man? Would things be the same between us if he could remember everything? I swallow thickly and nod. "It's okay."

After another eternity of silence I motion towards the peacekeeper weapon and ask "Gale?"

Peeta meets my gaze and nods. "Yeah, he brought the handcuffs and that thing from the armory during reflection."

That explains why he wanted me gone so badly. I'm angry at both of them for keeping secrets from me. Maybe I should remind Peeta that we agreed not to do that anymore. Of course that might remind him of why we ended up doing that in the first place. 'Was that really the only time you kissed Gale?'

I settle for "So that's why you and he are so friendly now."

"I can trust him to protect you."

"I'm not one of those porcelain dolls from the Capitol! I can protect myself!"

I try to keep my voice down to avoid bringing Prim and my mother into this, but it's difficult. Peeta's handed me a weapon to kill him with. I can't hide from Dr. Lloyd's warning any longer. "Gale isn't just talking about killing people anymore. I don't even know what to think about… about this" I gesture to the peacekeeper weapon in my hand. "He's always been jealous of you. He offered to kill you, you know."

I don't know why I'm trying to provoke Peeta. This is the exact opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing, but I can't help it. As much as it hurt that Peeta thought I was in love with Gale, Peeta not being jealous of Gale feels terrible. It feels like Peeta's finally come to the same conclusion I have; that I deserve to be alone.

I briefly regret my outburst when I see Peeta shudder for a few seconds, breathing heavily. His pupils dilate until I can barely see the irises. But soon his breathing slows and he closes his eyes. When he reopens them, he nods towards the weapon in my hand. "It's non-lethal. Gale says it'll just knock me out."

I don't respond but after a long pause I try to change the subject. "Are you going to be able to sleep… like that?"

"I'm not afraid of you hurting me anymore. Now that I can see what they turned me into, I don't think I could sleep if I wasn't chained to something."

I used to feel guilty when Peeta would say something that reminded me of how he always put me first. Now I don't know what to feel, the thought of Peeta hurting himself scares me half to death, but I can't help but wonder how much of the old Peeta is still behind those achingly blue eyes. I can't deal with that now. Safe topics. "It's hot next to that thing."

"I'm used to standing next to ovens, real or not real?"

I roll my eyes before I reply "Real."

Notes:

Originally, I actually had Dr. Aurelius in 13 heading up Peeta's recovery team but after re-reading Mockingjay, that just can't be right. Katniss specifically contrasts Aurelius' methods with those of the "head doctor" in 13 that Johanna complains about. So Johanna's nemesis becomes the hapless Dr. Lloyd.

One delicately-frosted cookie to whoever remembers where Peeta's line about being angry is stolen from. Now I won't lie, Johanna as maid of honor was so tempting, but I think Delly opens a few things up and she's relatively underutilized in fanfiction (save as a romantic rival for Katniss and I never found that to be in character for either her or Peeta). This chapter also has the start of another thing I hope to do in this the longer time frame (compared to Mockingjay): flesh out that little Gale-Peeta bromance we see in Tigris' shop. Side Note: Does anyone else think Plutarch is a little flamboyant when I write his dialog? I'm not sure what to make of that.