Thanks everybody for the reviews on the last chapter, especially Chipmunk2010, because she gave me the idea that this whole chapter is based on. Also thanks to He's My Gutter Rat for faithfully reviewing every chapter of this story and Endless Diamond sky... and Lolipop, too. Oh, heck, thanks to EVERYBODY!
Chapter Four
We're crashing into the unknown. We're lost in this, but it feels like home.
April 13th, 1912
Make it count-
Meet me at the clock
Jack's writing fits his personality.
Why is it that, with this little piece of paper and all its implications in my hand, that is the first thing that comes to my mind? It strikes me as funny, and it's all I can do not to burst out in laughter. But then that wouldn't be very fitting, would it? Why did Rose give this to me? Does she want me to go with her, wherever it is she's going? Gazing at everyone around us now getting out of their chairs, ready to retreat to their cabins and expecting to me to do the same thing, I think to myself that there is absolutely no way I can do this. And yet, when I finally find the courage to rise from my seat, I walk towards Rose without even thinking about it.
She smiles at me with gratitude and sheer joy, then says, "If it's alright with you, Mother, Madeline and I are going to get a bit of fresh air. We should be back shortly." Just listening to Rose tell her mother such a bold-faced lie makes me feel positively giddy. Until now, I've never disobeyed a serious rule in my life; I was always the good girl, the one who did things just to make adults happy. From what she's shown me so far, I can guess that Rose was the same way. Now, getting on this ship and doing exactly the opposite… I have to admit, it's exciting.
Ruth turns to Rose and gives her the strangest look- the same one she'd made when Rose had been smoking at the table yesterday afternoon. It is as though she thinks everything Rose does will lead her down a path of shame. "It's a bit late, isn't it, dear?" she asks, but her tone makes the last word seem unfitting.
Rose merely shrugs and repeats herself. "We should be back shortly."
From the corner of my eye, I think I see Ruth nod curtly, but I could be wrong because Rose has already grabbed me by the hand and is practically pulling me out the door. We whirl past flashes of brightly coloured feathers, deep velvets and sparkling jewels. As we leave the dining room and walk into the much less exciting lounge area, it reminds me of what Rose and I are doing on a larger scale- that is to say, leaving the opulence and shimmer of our world for a much more drab lifestyle. Some of our folk, like Ruth and Uncle Cal, would find that utterly disgusting, but to me it's like walking out of the dining room full of people who are covered in silk and organza and perfume into the empty lounge- finally, you can breathe again.
Before we walk up the stairs, Rose looks me fiercely in the eye, as though trying to prepare me for what she is about to say. She takes a deep breath and begins. "Maddie…" she says, sounding nervous, "Please don't be angry when I tell you this, and whatever you do, do not tell my mother. I think I'm falling in love with Jack."
For a moment, I am so stunned I can't even think straight. Anyone who had eyes to see could tell that Rose and Jack both had feelings for each other, but who's to say what they had was any more than an innocent little lovechild of their imaginations? I had thought, and still do think, that Rose would be much better off with Jack than Uncle Cal, but I never would have imagined that she would admit she was falling in love with him, especially after knowing him for just one day.
What am I supposed to say? I wrack my mind for a response, but find none. Instead, I just say, "Oh…" Then, remembering, that she asked me not to tell her mother, I add, "Don't worry, I won't."
Rose laughs in spite of herself, but she looks a little bit different- almost frightened. I wonder if she's thinking the same thing I was this afternoon. She is being deceitful, there's no doubt about that, but the real question is whether or not love is enough to justify deceit. In school we learned about Pyramus and Thisbe and Romeo Juliet; two couples that lived centuries apart but were facing the very same dilemma as Rose and Jack. Does love conquer all? And if it does, does that mean that love also justifies all? I guess if we haven't figured it out after a thousand years, we probably never will.
"Well, then," I say, when Rose does not reply, "I guess we should go see what he's up to, shouldn't we?"
Rose nods in agreement and links her arm through mine. We make our way up the staircase, where Jack is waiting at the top. He turns around and smiles at both of us. I'm relieved to see that he doesn't look like he's annoyed by my presence, because there's no way I'm leaving Rose to have all the fun again.
Smirking coyly, Jack offers his hand to Rose and asks, "Wanna got to a real party?"
I feel really bad for doing it, because I know that it isn't proper, especially for someone my age, but I sort of can't help staring at Jack. He's very good looking, and when he smiles you can tell that he's really, genuinely happy, and that makes you happy. As bad as that is though, it's nothing compared to how Rose is acting. She doesn't respond to his question verbally, but the look on her face speaks volumes. She can't take her eyes away from him, and the way she giggles reminds me of girls at school maybe two or three years younger than me. It's really kind of amazing that just twenty-four hours ago, the same love-struck girl standing in front of me was trying to fling herself off the Titanic. Clearly Jack has lit some sort of fire inside of her that's forcing her to keep going. She must really be in love with him.
As I watch the pair stare at I each other, I vaguely wonder how long it will be until I find a love like that- a love that I'd risk everything for. If love is really like Jack and Rose are making it out to be, then that day can't come soon enough.
I follow Jack and Rose back down the stairs and down into first the second class area, then steerage. I'm starting to get really curious when Rose says exactly what I'd been thinking.
"Jack, where are you taking us?" she pleads, sounding again like a little girl.
Jack laughs and replies, "I told you already. We're going to a real party!"
Clearly, Jack likes to play with Rose's mind in the same way she likes to play with his, so I decide that it's time I intervene. As exciting as this whole adventure into Jack's world must be for Rose, I still don't want her to get hurt. And you don't want to get hurt yourself, that little voice in the back of my head whispers. I squash it instantly, just like a fly on the wall.
"Please, Jack?" I ask, taking a few big steps to catch up with him and Rose. "If you don't tell me where we're going then I'm going to leave, and you wouldn't want to be responsible if I get lost!" As pathetic as that sounds, I'm really not sure if I could find my way back to our cabin from here.
He doesn't have to reply, though, because almost as soon as the words are out of my mouth, a door swings open to reveal a party unlike anything I've ever seen before. At least a hundred people fill a crowded, smoky, humid room. People from all walks of life are here talking, drinking, singing and dancing- mostly dancing. Every corner of the room is full of young couples and small children skipping around to a lively beat, looking happy as clams dressed in rags and packed in here like sardines. The smell of whiskey and cigarette smoke are almost too much too take in, but it's better than being upstairs where everybody smells like flowers and wine and a whole bunch of awful stuff like that.
Jack smiles that smile that Rose so clearly adores and says, "Told you."
Hesitantly, Rose and I follow him into the thick crowd of people. The heat must be getting to him, because he pulls of his bow tie and shoves it into his pocket before he even sits down. I wish I could follow his lead and let my hair down, but it's too full of pins and would just be an awful mess. If I were a third class girl, my hair would probably be hanging down or tied back with a bow… I know I shouldn't be jealous of these people who have nothing, but I can't help it. Something about their life seems so appealing… almost easier.
Jack sits down at a table and Rose and I follow. I recognize Fabrizio and Tommy from earlier today. Cora's here, too, but she's sitting on the lap of a man I don't know. He's probably her father. There's another woman here, too- probably her mother.
"Evening, everyone," Jack says with a smile, slipping out of his jacket and hanging it on the back of his chair. "Mr. and Mrs. Cartmell, I don't believe you've met Rose and Madeline," he says, gesturing to us. "Rose is a friend of mine, and Maddie is her sister."
Her sister? The logical thing to think would be that Jack had merely forgotten our relationship because I'm not that much younger, but I get the feeling he just didn't want to remind either one of us of our connection with Caledon Hockley. He's only known us for a day, and he already knows that we'd rather forget that my uncle even exists. Rose still hasn't told me exactly what they talked about this afternoon, and I really wish I knew.
Rose must notice Jack's slip, but she doesn't say anything. Instead, she smiles at Cora's parents and shakes their hands. "Rose DeWitt Bukater. It's very nice to meet you."
The couple offer their hands to me, and I smile politely and say, "Madeline DeWitt Bukater, but you can call me Maddie." It's funny how easily that name slips out of my mouth, and it makes me think about what my life would be like if I really was Rose's sister. The thing is though, I'd be in the exact same place I am now- on board the RMS Titanic, watching her run away from a life she hates and wishing so badly that I had an outlet to do the same.
Mrs. Cartmell smiles at me and says, "Cora was telling me all about you at dinner tonight. She said that you and your sister came down to visit Jack from the first class. What brought that about?"
The tone of judgement in her voice makes me cringe. Why is it that poorer people always looks at Rose and I like we're the enemy? I know they aren't treated fairly by our folk, and it makes me feel awful, but it isn't my fault! Evidently Cora had a lot to say about me, and I can't imagine any of it is negative, so why does her mother have to scrutinize me like an insect? Although it's evident that Mrs. Cartmell is much more kind and gentle than Ruth, the look she gives me bears a striking similarity to the one Ruth likes to reserve for Jack. People in this world have to learn to accept people even if they're different! Why is it that no matter where we are, we look at everybody else as a threat to our happiness, when in reality we'd all rather just go about our lives?
I glance over my shoulder to see that Rose is talking to some men Jack must know. Cora has slipped off of her father's lap and is now dancing with Jack. She's standing on top of his feet and it's probably the most adorable thing I've seen in my life. Confident that no one is listening to me, I turn back around to speak to the Cartmells.
"Rose was looking over the edge of the ship to see the propeller last night," I explain, reciting the careful rehearsed lie that I myself detest, "and she almost fell overboard. Jack saved her, and she wanted to come down here and say thank you. I thought they might want to be left alone, so I stayed down here with Cora and Tommy and Fabrizio while they went up on deck. She's a cute little girl," I add with a smile, hoping they'll notice that I'm talking about her as an equal.
Mr. Cartmell smiles proudly. "That she is," he says. He turns around to watch his little girl dancing with Jack, and I do the same. I have to laugh at myself- in a way, I feel like I sort of get cheated in this whole Jack situation. Rose is old enough and beautiful enough to really get to love him and have him love her back, and Cora is young enough and cute enough for him to dote on her and let her dance with him. Being thirteen isn't always fun.
The song ends and a few people sit down to rest as the Irish band begins another one. Fabrizio gets up from his seat and takes the waist of a blonde woman who must be Swedish or something. Jack kneels down to get on Cora's level and, shouting above the music, points at Rose and tells her, "I'm gonna dance with her, now okay?"
Cora nods obligingly, but she walks away sighing heavily and stands in front of her parents, staring at Jack with a look of resentment. He mustn't notice, because he extends his hand to Rose and smiles.
"C'mon, it'll be fun."
Rose squirms in her seat a bit, and I can guess how she must be feeling- awkward and uncomfortable because she isn't used to any of this. Then again, Jack must have felt the same way two hours ago. "Jack, I couldn't possibly-" she stammers, but he pulls her onto her feet, cutting her off midway.
I watch as he puts his hand on her waist. She tries to protest, but her efforts might have been more effective if she was able to talk herself out of it first of all.
"We're gonna need to get a bit closer," he explains, and a faint blush creeps up Rose's cheeks. She continues protesting loudly, but before long she and Jack and dancing around in circles just like everybody else. He must notice Cora's death stare, because he turns to her and says, "Don't worry, Cora. You're still my best girl." That seems to appease her, because she smiles and walks off to find someone to talk to.
Mr. and Mrs. Cartmell get up and join everybody on the dance floor, leaving me alone. I wish I had somebody my own age to dance with, just for fun. I've been taking ballet and ballroom dancing lessons since I was six, but I've never danced like this before. It looks like so much fun- you don't have to worry about having good posture or holding your head high or being anybody but yourself. To me, that's what dancing should be.
Considerably bored, I rise from the table to see if I can find a glass of water. Whiskey and beer is everywhere, and if that was what I wanted all I would have to do was walk up to somebody and ask. Unfortunately, water seems to be a little bit less plentiful around here. There must a bar somewhere where everybody's getting their drinks. I finally spot a thick, beefy man behind standing in front of a wall covered in alcohol. I try to squeeze my way through the crowds of dancing people without tripping over someone. My eyes are focused solely on the bar, and I don't notice the boy right in front of me until it's too late.
Suddenly, my hair is dripping with alcohol and I'm laying on the ground, the train of my dress caught in the shoes of a guy about my age. The two glasses he was carrying have smashed into little shards and are spread all across the floor, along with their contents. Thankfully I don't have any pieces of glass sticking in me, and the boy on the floor next to me appears to be okay as well. He's even more soaked then I am, but he's laughing so hard that his smile is reaching his bright green eyes.
"I'm terribly sorry, Miss," he says, helping me up from the ground. Then, nodding at my dress, he adds, "I hope it ain't ruined."
I stare down at my deep, ocean blue evening gown and for the first time realize how out of place I must look. All of a sudden, I feel awkward, and strangely as though I'd rather be any place but here. All this time people have probably been staring at me and scrutinizing me, wondering why in the world I'm here… just like down on the steerage deck this afternoon. God, I must look ridiculous, but I've been too busy paying attention to Jack and Rose and everybody else to even notice. I glance back up at the boy in front of me, who's still smiling sheepishly.
"It's fine," I say, shaking his hand. He has brown hair that's a little bit shorter than Jack's, and his eyes sparkle. I think he's Irish. My dad was Irish, and my mum always said that Irish boys were the best. Maybe she was right. "My name is Madeline DeWitt Bukater, by the way. You can call me Maddie."
It amazes me how easily that lie slips out of my mouth, just the same as the story about the propellers. It is much easier for me to lie to these people, although I don't really know why. It's as though down here, were everyone is happy just to enjoy each other's company, you can carve a whole new identity for yourself. I almost feel bad, because there's no reason not to tell the truth other than to avoiding the subject of my uncle.
"Lovely to meet you, Maddie," he replies. Yes, definitely Irish. "I'm Aiden. Aiden Kelly. And I am really sorry, Maddie. Look, it's all in yer hair 'n everything!"
Aiden shoves his hand into the sleeve of his shirt and attempts to sop up the whiskey that's dripping from my now very messy updo. As he pulls his hand away, he accidentally brushes it against my cheek, and I feel a strange sensation running up and down my spine… strange, but good. Really good. My face feels a bit warm, and I really hope I'm not blushing.
"Don't worry about it," I say. It comes out much more embarrassed than it sounded in my head, which makes me even more embarrassed. I really badly want to pull my eyes away from Aiden's because I'm pretty sure I'm staring at him, but I can't. I have never seen eyes quite like his before.
Aiden smiles. "If you say so," he replies. For a moment neither of us says anything, and I just stand there awkwardly, listening to the overpowering beat of the drums that fills the silence between us. I'm trying really hard to think of something to say but I just can't. I'm completely enthralled with this boy… I can't tear my eyes away from his adorably messy hair, his freckled face and completely infectious smile. I've never really felt like that before… like I could just sit here staring at one person all day and I'd be totally fine.
Ending the silence and my total embarrassment, Aiden says, "Maddie, do you want to dance?"
Somewhere buried deep in the back of mind between the cotillion lessons and the order in which you're supposed to use your utensils is the proper response to that question, but I'm too brain dead to even bother fishing for it. The only thing that somehow manages to find its way out of my mouth is a very timid "Sure."
Very softly, Aiden laces his fingers through mine and leads me out onto the makeshift dance floor. A tiny, fluttering creatures floats up from my stomach and into my chest as he puts his hand around my waist and pulls me closer to him. No boy has ever laid his hands on me in any way before, aside from my father kissing me on the head when I was little, and I never would have imagined it felt the way it does. In a way I know I'm being pretty stupid, because I've spoken less than fifty words to this guy, but at this same time, his hand on my waist feels so natural. Before long we're dancing in circles around the room, just like everybody else. I start to get dizzy after a while, but I'm having way too much fun to even consider stopping. Aiden throws his head back in laughter as we spin each other around, propelling ourselves with our feet, and I do the same. Dancing like this makes me feel free for the first time in my life.
As we spin our way all across the room, I spot Rose and Jack doing exactly the same thing. Rose's eyes meet mine, and she shoots me a like that seems to say, 'What in the world are doing with that that boy? It doesn't come across in a bad way, though, like it would if it were Uncle Cal. She looks to be pretty interested and maybe a bit excited about this stranger with his hand around my waist, if not a bit protective, and I know she's going to want me to tell her everything when we get back to our cabin.
Eventually, Aiden and I unknowingly dance ourselves into a table, knocking over somebody's drinks. Laughing so hard we can't breathe, we apologize profusely to the very drunk men at the table and then lean up against the wall, gasping for air. I've never moved that fast or had so much fun or felt so very exhilarated in my entire life. I rest my head against the support of the wall and turn around just in time to catch Aiden's eye. He looks at me for minute, and I feel like he's seeing a part of me no one's ever seen before… a part of me I didn't even know existed. Much to my surprise, a thought creeps up from the back of my mind to the front, and I realize that, in the exact position we are right now, he could just lean over and kiss me.
I let out a small chuckle in spite of myself. That's so stupid. I haven't even known this boy for half an hour- I don't know anything about him besides his name, and I certainly don't know him well enough to let him kiss me. And on top of that, I'm probably never going to see him again. That harsh, cold reality hits me like a ton of bricks, and I have to tear my gaze away from him.
There's a raised platform in the middle of the stage, and right now Jack and Rose are holding onto each other's hands and spinning around wildly. Hey, they fell in love after a day- why did they have to be the only ones it worked out for? I mean, I know I'm too young to be really in love like they are, but that doesn't mean that I can't make this thing- this crazy, random, brand new and impossible thing- work out.
Soon, Jack and Rose, along with Fabrizio and the blonde woman he was dancing with, jump down from the platform and form what could only be described as an Irish step dancing version of a conga line. Rose grabs onto Fabri's hand, and of course Jack follows her.
"Maddie!" she shouts over the noise. "C'mon, join us!"
I look at Aiden and he nods enthusiastically, grabbing onto my hand. I bolt ahead and wrap my free hand around Jack's. A bunch of people follow us, and we dance around the room like this for the better part of ten minutes. During the rare moment that I'm not focused entirely on Aiden, my gaze shifts over to Rose. She's completely enchanted by Jack, and the joy and wonder that's painted on her face as clear as day is a reflection of the way I'm feeling right now. Like for the first time, I'm really alive.
It's nearly midnight by the time Rose announces that we really should be getting back to our cabin. I say goodbye to Aiden, albeit a bit regretfully, and I promise him that I'll find a way to see him tomorrow. He walks with us to the door, still holding onto my hand. I stand in the doorway awkwardly for a moment, thinking of a way to cement the way he's made me feel without being too awkward.
I expect he's thinking that same thing, because he pulls me into a gentle hug and says, "Well, see you in the mornin' then, Maddie." We barely touch, but it is enough to make the fluttering creature inside me resurrect itself and soar back up into my heart. I nod, then follow Jack and Rose outside.
Up on the first class deck, I walk a few paces behind the couple, who are drunkenly singing that one song about the flying machine and getting the words horribly wrong. All of a sudden, Rose stops and stares up at the sky. I follow her, and I am amazed by what I see. Not only is there an almost endless expanse of brilliant, glowing stars filling the charcoal night, but there's a shooting star racing right over our heads.
As though she could read my mind, Rose exclaims, "Look! A shooting star! Aren't we supposed to wish on it?"
Jack rests his hand on top of hers, and I hear him say, "My pop used to tell me that a shooting star was a soul goin to Heaven."
"That's beautiful," Rose replies. She glances back up at the shining night sky, and I wonder if she's seeing the same thing I am- each star as a hope, a dream and a blessing that is waiting for me if I only had the chance to break free from the holds of my society. More than ever before, I feel like I need to escape from the world my uncle's throwing me into if I have any hope of surviving out there.
Jack looks into Rose's eyes and sounds very much in love as he whispers, "What did you wish for?"
Rose pauses briefly, as though searching for the right words. "Something I can't have."
But then that's the harsh reality of it, isn't it? As Rose and I bid goodbye to Jack and step into the first class entrance, I think I can feel my heart breaking inside of me. When the ship docks, I'll never see Aiden again and Rose will probably never see Jack. Not only that, neither one of us is going to find a way to break out of the chains we've been shackled into because that's just not the way the world works. How is it that just when everything is going perfectly, a realization dawns upon you that crushes everything you've spent the whole time dreaming up?
I don't know the answer to that question, but I do know that I don't care what happens- I'm going to find every way possible to defy it, because now it's about more than Rose's happiness. It's about mine as well, and even if I'll never be able to reach that happiness, I have to keep trying.