Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law Season 2
By: DMEX
Ch. 4
The Pig Has Spoken
Time: 16:30 PM Date: Thanksgiving Day
Place: The White House
The President is at his podium with some random turkey
President: -it is with great honor and pride for American People, I hereby pardon this turkey for any wrong doings.
(everyone applauds and cheer. Turkeys gobble and applaud as well)
*: BOO! DOWN WITH DA TURKEY!
President: Who said that?
Oolong comes out of crowd and onto the President's stage. He then grabs a mic.
Oolong: For far too long, you've been pardoning da wrong animal. Why don't ya do something' useful fer once and pardon da pig?
(everyone boos. Turkeys gobble angrily)
Garbled police chatter on police radio
Chief Wiggum: We'll get him!
Police sirens, Oolong puts his hands in the air
Oolong: Is there a problem, Officer?
Chief Wiggum: Alright you ornery porkster, hands behind yer back! You're under arrest for not following tradition!
Officer Lou: Uh, Chief? Do we have anything in a small size?
Chief Wiggum: Just use the rope in the back. With the economy the way it is, it's too expensive to buy cuffs.
Officer Lou: What happen to those toy cuff you had?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, Raplhie brought them to school and his teacher had to confiscate them.
they tie Oolong's hand behind his back
Oolong: Now, now, now hold on here! I think you have the wrong idea-
Chief Wiggum hits Oolong with his knight stick
Chief Wiggum: You have the right to remain silent-
puts apple in Oolong's mouth
(Harvey Birdman Opening)
Harvey is at his desk trying out his new computer
Harvey: (sigh) This is ridiculous… I can't believe I have to get a new computer.
Peanut: Is that a Toshiba?
Harvey (angry): NO THANKS TO DEADPOOL SHOOTING MY COMPUTER!
Deadpool: What? The Black Gears were coming out of your computer?
Harvey: What Black Gears?
*BUZZ*
*: Mr. Birdman, you have some clients.
Harvey: Send them in.
(Teen Bulma, Yamcha, Puar, Kid Goku and Krillin come in)
Harvey: OH, LET ME GUESS?! ROSHI IS IN JAIL AGAIN!
Yamcha: I think Master Roshi learned his lesson.
Puar: Oolong got arrested!
Bulma: Serves that little porker right.
Krillin: Didn't you see the news? (and not MSNBC because they lie to keep ratings.)
(Harvey turns on TV)
Kent Brockman: This is Kent Brockman LIVE in State's Capitol where local pig, Oolong was arrested for defying tradition. This is what he had to say.
Oolong: Kent, fer hundreds of years; da turkey gets pardoned for crimes. Why doesn't the pig get pardoned? Whateva happened ta common decency, fer God's Sake?
Kent Brockman: Needless to say, the pig has been detained and may find himself turning… …on an open BBQ pit.
Oolong (in background): I HEARD THAT!
(Harvey turns off TV)
Bulma: Shame on him!
Goku: What's so wrong with that? All he said was that the pig needed to be pardoned.
Harvey: Oh, I see what this is. Speaking his mind to the liberal media. Don't worry, I'll get out him out of that. I'LL TAKE THE CASE!
(gunshots are heard, everyone ducks, expect Goku. He gets shot multiple times)
Deadpool: THAT'S FOR BETTING RYBACK!
Bulma: Up yours, Deadpool!
Harvey: Are you okay?
Goku: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
Peanut: And why did we replace Peter Potomus with him?
Harvey: Tax cuts.
-Prison, Block P, Cell G-
Oolong is lying on the prison cot (he actually wearing an orange prison jumpsuit), playing with a pocketknife
Oolong: Did ya come ta pay my bail so I can get outta here?
Bulma: Personally, I think he should stay here.
Yamcha: Come on Bulma, we came all this way, let's pay his bail and let him settle his legal issues in court.
Oolong: Ya betta have got me a damn good lawyer.
Puar: We did. And he's going to take your case.
Harvey: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. I'll be representing you in court.
Oolong: Birdman?! Ya got me Harvey Birdman of ALL PEOPLE?!
Harvey: Anyway Oolong, I'm going to be defending you in court, so don't do anything reckless and stupid. (I think)
Oolong abruptly stops stabbing some cellmate
Oolong: He was dead when he came in here.
-Court-
Judge: Hiram Mightor Bailiff: Brian Griffin
Prosecution: Paul Heyman Defense: Harvey Birdman
Brian: Hear ye, hear ye. The Honorable Judge Hiram Mightor presiding.
Mightor comes in. Sits at Judge's desk and pulls out his giant wooden mallet
Mightor: Siddown and shut yer pieholes. This court is in session.
(bangs wooden mallet)
Mightor: Mr. Heyman, since you won the coin toss; you get the first opening statements.
Courtroom roars into boos and angry turkey gobbles
Heyman: Ladies, gentlemen and turkeys of the courtroom, my name is Paul Heyman-
(Angry boos and angry gobbles continue)
Heyman: Your Honor, if I may continue?
Mightor: Yes, of course.
Angry boos and gobbles continue
Mightor (bangs wooden hammer multiple times): SHUT YER PIEHOLES!
Courtroom goes quiet
Heyman: Thank you. As I was saying, we here in America celebrate a time honored tradition. And who the hell is some kids pork chop dinner to tell us that the Turkey should NOT be pardoned?! It's just that UNAMERICAN! So what would you do? Do you pardon the disease ridden PIG-
Oolong (angry): I RESENT THAT REMARK!
Heyman: -Or do you do the obvious choice and pardon the turkey of any and all wrongdoings?
Harvey: If I may Your Honor?
Mightor: The floor is yours, Mr. Birdman.
Harvey: Thank you, Your Honor. Tradition is something that happens every year. Christmas, Halloween, the Super Bowl, even the pardoning of the Turkey or many now remember this custom as Thanksgiving. But one animal, my client who was arrested and being sued in court today for speaking his mind. Why do all the turkeys get pardoned. Can't we just once give the pardon to an animal who has been pictured as the dirty, perverted, disgusting, BBQ mascots and of course the depiction of all sex for once!? YOU THE JURY CAN STILL PARDON THE PIG, BUT THINK ABOUT IT FOR ONE MOMENT AND YOU COULD START A NEW CUSTOM IN PARDONING THE PIG!
Daffy Duck: YOU SCCCCCHHHHUCK BIRDMAN!
(Deadpool shoots him, his beak is on the other side of his head. Daffy readjusts his beak)
Daffy: YEEERRRR DISSSSCCCHHHPICTABLE!
(leaves the courtroom angry. Slams door, bucket falls on Pooh, who's sleeping)
Pooh: (muffled snoring)
-Court-
Heyman: State your name for the court, for the record.
Puar: Puar.
Heyman: And how long have you known the defendant in question?
Puar: Exactly 12 years, 4 months and 52 days.
Oolong: That long?
Heyman: And where did you meet the defendant?
Puar: At Shape Shifting School.
Heyman: And during Shape Shifting School, what was the defendant like?
Puar: He was a bully. He used to pick on me all the time, and he ended up cheating to pass. Not to mention, expelled for stealing the female teachers panties!
(courtroom gasps)
Oolong: What? Can't a guy make an honest living?
(courtroom mutters)
Mightor (bangs wooden hammer multiple times): Shut yer pieholes!
Heyman: Nothing further.
Harvey: If the defendant was your bully, why is it you hang around him now?
Heyman: Objection.
Mightor: On what basis, Mr. Heyman?
Heyman: That question is inadmissible because of what the witness said earlier.
Mightor: I'll allow it.
Puar: We had a common enemy and for some reason, he started living with Bulma.
Bulma: Speaking of, Oolong; you owe rent!
Oolong: Who do ya think I am, Mr. Monopoly?
(Mr. Monopoly is seen driving his 1920 automobile out of the courtroom)
Mr. Monopoly: Life is good!
-Court-
Bulma: I really don't see why I have to defend that little pervert.
Harvey: How do you rate the defendant?
Bulma: Out of 10? 3.
Oolong: WHAT!?
Heyman laughs
Oolong: Shaddup Heyman.
Harvey: Why a low rating?
Bulma: Because he's a pervert and everyone of his schemes always gets him and us in some sort of trouble.
Harvey: Next witness.
-Court-
Harvey: Now, Oolong; why don't you tell us your side of the story?
Oolong: Gladly, Birdman. For generations, the President has sold this propaganda of pardoning the turkeys for Thanksgiving. Meanwhile us pigs, lambs and God knows what else end up being made into Holy Sacrifices for Easter, Christmas and other Holiday meals. Is it too much ta ask fer some equal opportunity Pardoning? And if ya have to, ban the Thanksgiving Holiday just ta prove my point!
Turkeys gobble angrily
Heyman: You can't do that! For crap's sake, that's like banning Black Friday!
Clover: DON'T YOU DARE BAN BLACK FRIDAY!
Sam: Down with the pig!
Alex: What they said!
(Sam and Clover glare at Alex and sweat drop)
Mightor: I've heard enough. Oolong the Pig, you have made your point. I cannot ban a legal holiday, much less Black Friday. But you will be pardoned. Therefore, I PLACE YOU UNDER HOUSE ARREST UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!
Harvey: We won!
Oolong: But at what cost?!
Mightor: This case is dismissed!
(bangs wooden hammer)
-Sebben & Sebben-
Oolong (on TV screen): Thanks a lot, Harvey. Ya got me under house arrest!
Goku: What does that mean?
Harvey: He's gonna be locked up in Bulma's house until Judge Mightor says he's free to go.
Bulma: And if you think of escaping, I'll make you take that sweetrot again.
Oolong: You wouldn't dare!
Bulma: I would and I WILL!
(phone rings)
Harvey: Sebben & Sebben Law Firm, this is Harvey Birdman speaking.
(Heyman is laughing loudly on the other end)
Slams phone back on receiver
Goku: If your made at that thing and you wanna smash it, you oughta try this instead.
(Goku punches phone through Harvey's desk)
Goku: There you go.
Harvey: THAT COST $200.00 AND I HAD TO PASS GO!
Everyone laughs
Harvey: Seriously.
Everyone laughs harder
(Harvey Birdman credits)