AN: Disclaimers, notes, explanations, and recriminations are found in Chapter 1

When: Christmastime 2010

December 2010

Noah had been amazed at the reception he'd received upon finding Luke at the pond after Reid's death. Luke had been, in a word, amazing. Though angry with Reid for his carelessness, Luke had been so strong through his pain. Noah could only regard him in awe. He had desperately needed to be there for Luke, and felt incredibly blessed and grateful when Luke let him.

After that, Noah had all but decided to stay in Oakdale. If there was anything he hadn't wanted, it was to leave Luke to mourn alone. So maybe Noah wasn't the most appropriate person to commiserate with over Reid, but he could damn well do it for Luke's sake. He'd discovered he could do pretty much anything for Luke's sake.

Luke, however, wouldn't hear of it. He'd somehow fired Noah from Java, then marched him to WOAK to say goodbye. There, he'd presented Noah with a top-of-the-line camera to shoot his film, and informed him that Lily and Holden were likewise supporting Noah with anything he needed for his work. What felt best about all that was Luke letting him know in no uncertain terms: Noah was still family.

Noah had let Luke persuade him to go. He of all people understood what it was to need space, and he'd been willing to give Luke his. Besides, Luke had promised to visit Noah on set in L.A. Thinking ahead to when that happened had given Noah optimism about everything: his new life, his film, and most especially, Luke.

He'd known it would be a long time before Luke would even entertain thoughts of dating anyone again, let alone him. But knowing how much Luke still cared for and supported him, Noah couldn't stop the swell of hope from rising in his heart. As he'd gently kissed Luke goodbye, Noah had hoped the other man could feel the love waiting there for him, whenever Luke was ready.

Though they'd parted as friends, flying back to Oakdale a few months later to spend Christmas with the Snyders (and especially, to check on Luke) had been an impulse. One Noah now thought was a huge mistake. While the rest of the Snyder clan welcomed him to Christmas dinner with open arms and open hearts, Luke was quiet, polite, and aloof.

He'd spoken to Noah only when it couldn't be avoided, and hadn't looked him in the eye at all. So it astonished Noah when the family made to leave for church, and Luke explained he wanted to stay behind to catch up with Noah. Any joy Noah experienced at this revelation, however, was fleeting.

After walking his family out to the car, and waving as it pulled off into the distance, Luke rounded on Noah, and absolutely laid into him. "Really, Noah? You came all the way out here to comfort me? To hold my hand while I cry, and say everything's gonna be all right?"

"Luke, I…", Noah started, taken aback by Luke's sudden outburst.

"It's too late. You've gotta see that! It's too late, Noah, because now I'm pushing you away. Hurts, doesn't it?" Luke spat out.

Noah couldn't answer. Yes, it fucking hurts, he thought. Instead of voicing that feeling, though, he allowed Luke to continue venting at him uninterrupted. Maybe it was what Luke needed.

"Wanna know how much it sucks? I'll tell you. When the person you've loved for years pushes you away, it hurts like nothing you ever imagined.

You have all these emotions, but you can't do anything with them, because you can't even get close to the person who means the most to you. You're kept away, and every freaking moment of it makes you feel like you want to die. You wonder if you really can die from your heart breaking."

Ironically, every word from Luke's mouth made Noah feel exactly what Luke had felt when Noah pushed him away. And to know he'd make Luke feel like this absolutely gutted him. He thought he'd come to understand what Luke must've felt at the time, but now he knew better. A crazy thought came to Noah: he'd never realized how totally blind he'd been when he was blind. Noah had to suppress a bitter laugh.

"But when you pushed me away, Noah, I survived it. As awful as it was, as hard as it was, as much as it killed me inside, I let you go. I had to! What else could I do?"

Later, Noah wished he'd understood that the question was rhetorical. He replied, "I know Luke, and you did the right thing. I see that now. I don't blame you for moving on…"

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!" Luke railed at Noah so loudly it stopped Noah mid-sentence. As much as they'd been through, as many really bad fights as they'd had, Luke had never yelled at Noah quite like this. Noah couldn't suppress a shudder as he realized, no one had screamed at him with this much volume, this much venom, since Colonel Mayer.

"YOU shouldn't have pushed me away!" The waves of fury radiating from Luke almost scared Noah. Not for himself, but for Luke.

"YOU shouldn't have thrown US away!" Luke carried on, incredibly seeming to pick up steam in his tirade. Noah still didn't understand where this was going, but remained silent. Frankly, he didn't know what else to do.

"YOU let me go. YOU made me move on. YOU made me find someone else to love," Luke cried. "THIS happened because of YOU!"

Suddenly, Luke's diatribe stopped short. He glared daggers at Noah, seemingly awaiting some sort of defense to the charges he'd made. Noah knew whatever he said now was going to be wrong, but lacking any other course of action, replied, "Reid was trying to save Chris. This would've happened anyway…"

"NOT TO ME!" Luke positively raged. "I wouldn't have lost the man I loved! If you hadn't broken us up, that man would've been you, Noah!"

A light bulb. Noah saw the logic now. "So Reid still might've died, but…"

"My boyfriend wouldn't be dead." Suddenly, Luke was speaking in a defeated half-whisper. "You and I would've been together. If your doctor had died, we would've been sad together. It wouldn't be like this!"

Noah realized that however convoluted that argument might seem on the surface, it was essentially true. Luke Snyder was the most loyal person he'd ever known. If Noah hadn't tossed him aside, Luke would've been completely faithful to him, no matter Reid Oliver's interest. Luke wouldn't be going through the hell he was going through right now.

"You're right," Noah offered quietly.

"Gee, thanks for that Mr. Mayer," Luke sputtered. "That really just makes it all better now. It's a good thing you came!"

Luke's scathing tone cut shreds to Noah's heart. "Luke," he began in reply. He wanted to tell Luke that he knew he deserved his derision. Noah wanted to say he knew he'd been wrong, wrong, wrong, so often and for so long. He didn't get the chance.

"As much as it hurt when you gave up on us, Noah, as much as I felt like I was dying inside, this is worse. SO much worse. So yeah - thanks, Noah," Luke spoke his name as if it were a curse word. "Thanks for that."

Luke spun on his heel and moved to storm back into his parents' house. Noah, who'd been momentarily frozen in shock at the unadulterated scorn he'd received from the only man he'd ever loved, started at the movement. As Luke made to open the door of the front porch, Noah placed a hand on Luke's arm to stop him.

"Luke," Noah implored. "Everything you said is true. There's no way I can fix any of this, but I would, if I could. I swear to God, I would bring Reid Oliver back to you if I could."

Luke rolled his eyes and nearly jerked his arm from Noah's grasp, but the agonized sincerity on Noah's face stopped him in his tracks. Noah was serious. Luke wanted to feel angry about this, too, and disdain Noah's sentiments as too little, too late. At the very real pain he detected in Noah's eyes, though, the fight left him. He could hardly believe it, but somehow, still, Noah's hurt made him hurt. Whatever had happened between them, incredibly, this hadn't changed.

Still, Luke wasn't about to tell Noah that. He made to move again, with Noah stopping him once more. Apparently, Noah wasn't done having his say.

"I wish things hadn't fallen apart when we were together. I wish so much that I'd been different; better. But I wasn't, and I can't go back and change that now.

But please believe, I know pushing you away was the worst mistake I ever made. Or will ever make. I am so, so sorry I did it, Luke. I replay my stupidity in my mind every day - I have since I lost you.

The one promise I can make is that I would never, ever do it again. I want you to know that, because I want you to know if you need me, I'll be here for you. No conditions, no questions asked. That doesn't mean I expect you to ever love me again like I love you."

Noah marveled at how easy those words were to say now. He went on, "But besides being boyfriends, we were best friends. When I lost you, I lost my best friend. I think you did, too. But I want you to know, I'm still here.

I get that I'm the last person you want around right now, I do. Maybe it'll be that way forever, and if it is, I'll have to accept that," Noah added sadly. "But no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, if you ever need me, I want you to call. I mean it."

Finally, Noah took his hand from Luke's arm. Luke tried to ignore that its removal felt like a loss. Luke watched through tear-filled eyes as Noah backed away to leave, and his wasted heart sunk a bit further at Noah's final words, "Goodbye, Luke."