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The Love That Did Not Intentionally Speak Its' Name

Hard at work during Potions class, Severus was vaguely aware of someone leaning over him. "Stop it," he snarled instantly. Slughorn was never any help in these situations. At the moment, he could be heard humming loudly from his office, no doubt dusting his creepy collection of photographs.

A familiar barking laugh came from behind him. "Stop what? Turn around, and you'll see I'm not doing anything."

"Black, I've known you for six years. It's obvious you want me to turn around so you can do something to me. Some sort of prank, no doubt. I highly suggest you keep your eye on that love potion you're brewing. Salazar knows why Slughorn trusted any of you dolts to concoct one properly."

Behind him, Black sighed. "Come on, Snivellus. Turn around."

Severus ignored him, instead working on his liquid luck project. They'd had the choice between love potion or Felix Felicis, and Severus had been one of the only students to take on liquid luck. It did not surprise him, for most of his peers were empty-headed idiots with cardboard for brains. Not surprisingly, a few moments later Severus felt Black tapping his shoulder with something—a Potions tool, no doubt.

"Leave me alone," Severus said firmly, and thrust his elbow backward.

"Gah!" Black yelled out, and there was a great clattering noise, followed by a clump, a splash, several shouts, and the sound of simmering liquid. The other students in class did not laugh; they merely stared in surprise. It wasn't often that Black made himself look like an arse. Finally, Severus looked behind him. Doubly amusing, he thought with a grim grin, for both Potter and Black were lying on the floor next to their upturned cauldron. The liquid was everywhere.

"You'll clean up this mess!" Potter ordered, wiping off his shirt with a frown. "And then you'll re-do our potion, or give us yours—"

"I'll do no such thing," Severus snapped. "Black was tormenting me, it's his fault—"

"It's not his fault," argued Potter so convincingly that even Severus had to recount what had actually happened. "Hey everyone, did Sirius provoke Snivelly?" The crowd murmured in Potter's favor, of course.

Severus gritted his teeth and scowled. "YOU ALL KNOW HE DID IT!" Severus yelled.

"No one else thinks he did," said Potter devilishly. "Sirius, you're in the clear."

Suddenly, Sirius Black did a very strange thing. He clamped Potter in a hug and kissed him on the lips. The classroom went silent.

Severus' eyes widened. Pettigrew clapped. Lupin rolled his eyes and went back to his Potions textbook. Lily clamped her hand over her mouth to hide her amusement.

"Mmmmmuah!" Black said, pulling out of the kiss and grinning cheekily. "Thanks, James—you always save my life. Did I mention how perfectly dreamy you are?"

"Er… uh… Heh heh," said Potter uncomfortably, scratching the back of his neck and grimacing.

"Look at these muscles," Black went on, and slid his hand up Potter's arm. "Ooh. You're probably not joking when you say you're the most flexible Chaser Hogwarts has ever seen. Just how flexible are you, Jamsie?" He winked lecherously. "Don't tell me, though. I'd like to find out… later."

"Dear…sweet…" Potter said, trailing off. He looked around at everyone while shrugging, a horrified expression plastered on his face. He was rather sensitive at times like this. He'd never been the same since third year, when he'd mistaken Lucius Malfoy for an attractive female foreign exchange student.

"If you're a Chaser, can I be your Seeker? Because I think I'm seeking a little bit of a chase with you, James Potter," Black said, and wiggled his eyebrows. He leapt into Potter's lap and began to stroke his face. "Oh, I just love your bangy-wangs," he said, and patted Potter's trademark rumpled hair. Potter tried to jump up, but Black held him down and squeezed him in a hug reminiscent of a boa constrictor wrapped around a rabbit.

"Are they a couple?" called out Mulciber from the back row. Mulciber was very small, and often missed important details.

"Not exactly. Due to his overwhelming stupidity, Black's been soaked in love potion," Severus told everyone in a loud voice. "He's basically the human equivalent of a squirrel that's eaten too many fermented berries—"

"Did you hear that? Snivellus has called me a squirrel," said Black gleefully. "Does that make you my wittle chippie-whippy monkmonk? Does that make you wittle chippie-whippy monkmonk?" he warbled.

"NOOO!" Potter screamed. "NO, IT DOES NOT MAKE ME YOUR WITTLE CHIPPIE-WHIPPY MONKMONK!"

Severus had never seen Potter so enraged. That, mixed in with the fact that Black had now stripped down to his briefs and was doing a very sexy dance, brought Severus to a bout of loud laughter.

And then, something happened that had never gone on before. The entire class followed his lead.

As James Potter sat there mortified and Black slapped his own arse, Severus and the rest of his peers howled with fiendish laughter.

Slughorn burst out of his office, twirling his mustache. "What have I missed?" he asked delightedly, and then his face grew confused as he noticed Black dancing.

"Oh, you've missed a lot," said Black conversationally. "James is as mighty as a centaur, and I've fallen madly in love with him."

"NOOO!" screamed Potter.

The class burst into raucous laughter, Severus nearly falling over.

"Dear me," said Slughorn, and instantly produced a tonic.