How to Prank the Weasley Twins in 10 Days
In response to CosmicaBlacks' title challenge on Fictionalley Park.
Summary: Hermione lost everything at Voldemort's final defeat, including her sense of humor. When Fred and George play an innocent prank on Ginny's boyfriend, a wager ensues. Can Hermione beat the twin's at their own game?
Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever, own the Potterverse. I do however own my own obsession with this world J.K. Rowling has created, along with some pretty perverse ideas to "encourage" her completion of Book Six.
Okay, I don't even own perverse ideas, so, no FBI, no Auror's, no British Law Enforcement. Just hurry up Jo, please :)
Thanks to Cheering Charm, my beta. See A/N at end to see what elements of her story
Have been borrowed!
Day Three – Loosen Up Granger
Hermione awoke at the sound of a pop. Looking around, she surmised that she had fallen asleep on the sofa in her study. She headed to the kitchen to pour herself a cup of coffee and wondered what brought Remus to her flat this morning. It can't be the case, Hermione thought. She had just begun reviewing it yesterday. Remus knew that as thorough as Hermione was at her research, she wouldn't have anything for a few days yet.
"Do tell, Remus, why you would pop into my flat this time of morning," Hermione joked as she walked blindly into the kitchen, looking down at the file.
"Sorry to disappoint Granger, but alas I am not our dear old professor," a distinctly female voice called as Hermione dropped the file and looked up into the face of Alicia Spinnet.
Raking her hands frantically through her hair, Hermione looked perplexed, as she tried to straighten the camisole and sweats she had changed into last night after dinner.
"So, the truth behind the grades finally comes out," Alicia grinned. As Hermione looked at Alicia with confusion evident in her face, the elder witch fell out laughing. "You are absolutely no fun. I was joking, although it was obviously lost on you. How you ever thought you could take on the twins is beyond me," Alicia laughed. "I simply found it amusing you strolled in here so easily when you thought I was Professor Lupin, but now you're scrambling to make yourself presentable to me."
Hermione let out a nervous laugh, before pouring herself a cup of coffee and fixing some tea for her guest. The girls soon slipped into the easy banter of old housemates; catching up on the whereabouts of old friends and their lives. Alicia it turned out had been dating George off and on since he had left Hogwarts and was now a reserve Chaser for the Holyhead Harpies. "In fact, you will never guess who I ran into last year during an exhibition game with Transylvania," Alicia started, pausing dramatically before finishing, "Marcus Flint!"
"I can't believe he didn't get caught up in the aftermath. I thought sure he and the rest of those snakes would be hauled off to Azkaban," Hermione replied, the surprise evident in her voice.
"Well you know, he did, along with many others. But it seems as if many of our classmates, Draco Malfoy included, had managed to stay on the periphery of Voldemort's circle. As they were never branded, and their connection couldn't be proven to Voldemort, the ministry had to let them go."
Hermione digested that information. She couldn't believe how out of touch she had become in her grief. After she lost her parents, Harry, and Ron, Hermione had cancelled her subscription to The Daily Prophet, and stayed as far from the news of the Death Eater trials as she could. Molly Weasley, after coming out of her own depression, had tried to keep her abreast of the situation, but it didn't take long for Hermione to make clear that she would gladly sever her last remaining ties with the wizarding world, if not left alone. In Hermione's mind, nothing mattered anymore. Everyone she had loved was dead. And the monster behind it all had been taken with them.
It had not been difficult for Hermione to close herself off. Her first two years had been spent taking mythology and classical literature classes at a muggle university. Her parents had left her a sizeable sum of money to live on, as had Harry. Those years had been very dark. As Hermione had lived outside of the muggle world for so long, she had no friends to relate to. Had it not been at the persistence of Molly Weasley, Hermione could have very well disappeared without a trace. But over time, by respecting her grieving and boundaries, Molly slowly began reacclimate Hermione to society. She started small those first few months. Dinners were limited to the two witches who had lost so much. Gradually, Ginny was added into the fray. And eventually, Hermione could spend a meal with all of the Weasley's, even young Billius whose life had begun just as the life of everyone she had loved ended.
"I didn't know," Hermione stated, her voice distant as she realized how much she had missed in the past three years.
Detecting Hermione's change in mood, Alicia decided to get back to the matter at hand. "I was disappointed that you stood me up yesterday," she joked, raising an eyebrow suggestively.
Hermione, caught off guard, let go of the memories. "I thought…I mean I told Ginny, I'm not going to do it."
Alicia smiled inwardly. She had heard that Hermione had become even more withdrawn since she'd left school after the final battle. Although she hadn't known her well in school, if there was one thing that she was sure of, Hermione was a formidable ally, as she had proven time and time again with her best friends. All she needed was a cause. After all, it was the formation of the Coalition for Magical Brethren that had lured Hermione back into the wizarding world. Alicia knew that once she gave Hermione a cause, she would follow through without hesitation.
As Hermione listened to Alicia spin her tails of George's indiscretions, she found her reaction wavering between amusement and pity. Fred and George had proven themselves throughout the years to be simple creatures. They were wonderful friends, and their hearts were always in the right place, but they lived for the moment. She was not surprised to learn that they had taken Ron out after Gryffindor had secured the Quidditch Cup in their fifth year. She could have predicted that they had taken him to the back room of some pub, where witches would entertain for currency. She stifled a laugh as Alicia wove a tail involving hurt and betrayal at seeing the object of her affection fraternizing with the witches employed to fulfill the wants of the clientele. Growing weary of the tales of a betrayed lover however, Hermione searched for a way to politely invite Alicia to leave so she could continue with her day. At least she did until her amusement and pity turned to indignation.
"If it wasn't bad enough to see George and Fred with their hands down some witches robes, they were determined to bring their brother into the mix as well," Alicia continued. "Honestly, we watched as Ron protested that he only wanted to do that with you before acquiescing at their jibes that you would never be more than a fantasy to him."
Hermione swallowed the sobs that she could feel welling in her throat. Sweet gentle Ron. She had known long before he admitted it that he had liked her; that he considered her much more than a best friend. But she had ignored it, in her usual stubborn fashion. It wouldn't be proper for her to tell him how she felt. No, that's simply not how things were done. Everything had to be done in its proper order. And if Ronald Weasley, couldn't come out and tell her how he felt, that was his problem. It had been that stubbornness that had been Hermione's greatest regret. She knew even if she had gone into the forest with Harry and Ron that night, the only thing that would have changed, was the death toll would have increased by one. But had she not held onto her feelings for so long, she could have had more time loving Ron. The thought of the twin's telling him he had no chance with her was infuriating.
Alicia studied the younger witch carefully, as she saw a flame flicker in her eyes; she knew she had tapped into Hermione's passion. She had found a cause that she was sure Hermione would fight for. "Honestly," she started, taking Hermione's hand in her own. "It will be fun, and I have a feeling you could use the distraction," she finished, lightly stroking the inside of Hermione's forearm
Hermione briefly registered the sensation of the light touch on the inside of her arm. It startled her slightly that it felt so soothing and so comforting, and that it was from another witch. Hermione had never considered her sexuality. It had always been Ron. Maybe Alicia had a point; at least she could have some fun with it. "Okay, what next?"
Alicia kissed Hermione lightly on the lips. As Hermione gasped in surprise, Alicia replied, "Do loosen up Granger. For this plan to work, they're going to have to think we shagged eventually! Meet me at The Green Irishman around seven," before disapparating.
Hermione spent the next few hours attempting to concentrate on her case files. "Oh honestly," Hermione she sighed, slamming shut the file she had before her. Despite her diligent efforts to concentrate on her work, Hermione was still on the first page of the file. Looking at the clock, Hermione decided to head over to bar early, hoping that her former housemate and owner would be in.
"Aye, Mione," Seamus called as she stepped into the pub. Her eyes twinkled as her old friend pulled her into his warm embrace. Seamus always had a certain charm about him that could make the ladies forget their worse troubles. Three years out of school, married, and a father, he still had that same charm, and Hermione was really glad to see him.
"Step away from my man," a voice called jovially.
"You must be Fiona," Hermione smiled pleasantly as she hugged Seamus' wife, noting her rounded belly on an otherwise slim frame. "Well, well, well, Seamus. It certainly seems as if you two have the luck of the Irish on your side."
Fiona's eyes danced as she stifled a giggle before excusing herself back to the storeroom. Hermione and Seamus chatted idly as he kept her mug filled with butterbeer. As six o' clock approached, the crowd picked up, and Hermione was left alone as Seamus turned his attention from her to his other customers. Sitting alone in a booth, she pulled out a book she had checked out on the American Judicial system, and their laws against prejudice. Turning to the dog-eared section on the Office of Fair Housing and Equal Opportunity, Hermione searched for any muggle practices that might be borrowed to help strengthen their case.
As Seamus handed Hermione another butterbeer, she looked up and smiled gratefully at him before turning back to her book. Picking up at the passage where she left off, Hermione noticed the text of the muggle case she had begun reading fade as a large message scrawled in messy handwriting appeared.
Save me Please!
Looking up from her book startled, Hermione finally caught George's eye. Giggling without thinking she watched him screw his face up while opening and shutting the fingers on his right hand, mocking his Sister-In-Law who was dragging a very sheepish looking Fred into the pub by his ear. Hermione stifled a giggle as she threw George a kiss and waves, before looking back down at her book.
"Honestly 'Mione, you would think we weren't almost family," George stated in mock agitation as he approached her table.
A smile played at her lips, as George's jibe reminded her of the incessant banter she and Ron would throw at each other while in school. "Well George, I couldn't possibly consort with the enemy, now could I," she retorted, allowing her eyelids to flutter shut innocently before smiling at him.
"You wound me," fair maiden, George stated dramatically, grabbing his heart in a show of anguish. Hermione laughed heartily, before taking a swig of her butterbeer.
"I can assure you George Weasley, that you will get no information out of me. Honestly, lowering your self to spy. Am I making you nervous," Hermione questioned, leaning close to George and raising an eyebrow. He was slightly taken aback by Hermione's retorts. This game that she was playing, why, it almost bordered on flirting, and well, Hermione Granger didn't flirt. Taking her hand, and raising his eyebrows, George kissed the inside of her palm lightly before assuring her that it took a lot more than a clever witch and Head Girl's badge to make him nervous.
Hermione watched as George dropped her hand, and moved to pull out the seat across from her. "Well ahhh, I'm kind of, expecting someone," Hermione began, blushing lightly at George.
George, obviously astounded that she had been at the pub to meet someone, hastily apologized before excusing himself from the table.
As she watched his retreating form, Hermione called out lightly, "George, do recall that I have seven more days," causing his steps to falter.
Over the past three years, George had not known Hermione to date, smile, or joke. He had seen all three from her, in the past ten minutes. As he proceeded to cross the pub, she called out to him again. "Actually, seven and some change, I do believe the night is still young." Grinning despite himself, George began to wonder whether he knew as much about Hermione Granger as he thought he did.
A/N: The Green Irishman and Fiona Finnigan comes from a wonderful H/Hr fic Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered by Cheering Charm. It can be found at