AUTHOR'S SEVENTH NOTE
Now it's time for this scene then: the infamous suffocating scene. I'm nervous... This was more difficult to write in a way because I knew what I had to get into the scene and I shorted it down quite a bit. Here we go...
4.
Your eyelids are parting slowly
The killer sits in the visitors chair
Unmoving and completely relaxed
Only eyeing you with a keen stare
"Why?" he wonders interested
Yes, he expects you to plea
You're going to give him what he desires
"I want you to kill me."
"Say that for me."
This is what triggers his high
What they all say in their last moments
"No, I don't want to die..."
"Once more for luck."
He'll do it until you break
The final time you start to whimper
Is the anguish in your voice really just fake?
Your body is lowered down
The killer asks if you want one more breath
Preparing to make his usual move
To send you irrevocably towards your death
His hands cover your mouth and nose
That's what's most effective to block
No betraying signs will be on your neck
"Go to hell, Sherlock."
The oxygen is out way too quickly
Your organs are craving new air
No, you can't lose consciousness now
Keep focusing on meeting the killer's stare
Black spots start to appear
More and more of them on your eyes
What do you do if he isn't coming?
What if it has just been too many lies?
You feel the spasms hurting badly
Your body's desperate last fight
The killer, he likes to watch it happen
The moment when they step into the light
You're losing sense of your muscles
It's no longer something you can stop
Agony, the panic is everywhere
"And off... we... pop..."
… Is it over now…?
Maybe it was a good way to die?
Because you hear John's voice again
At least your mind gave you a proper goodbye
AUTHOR'S EIGHTH NOTE
Ahh, the last paragraph kills me... I realise that I'm writing him as "superneedy" but I don't know. If there's one situation where he probably was, it's this one. Yes, this was a shorter chapter but you get the idea.
Please comment on what you think about the rhythm in the text so far and about the portrayal in general. I'm extremely grateful for the comments I've gotten on this story.
Thank you!