I am sick and tired of seeing this same storyline, written by pathetic author after pathetic author after pathetic author. Now, I'm not saying everybody who writes these stories is pathetic or that all stories with this storyline are bad, they're not... but a vast majority of them seem to be. Note that I'm sure will not discourage any flamers: this isn't an anti-EO story. It's another one of my anti-sucky fanfiction stories.

Faerie's Arie and Death Waltz is a reference to a musical joke. Literally, that's what it is. If you image search that… yeah, that's sheet music. It is literally impossible to play- certainly not in ten minutes! Anyone who says differently is lying. ANYWHO...

"Elliot, Olivia! My office!"

Olivia jumped at Cragen's voice, then jumped to her feet, startled out of her fantasy where she'd been staring at her ridiculously sexy partner stare murderously at anybody he saw who he deemed to be a suspect. My god, he's sexy.

Elliot was jolted out of a fantasy of his own, where he'd been staring at the absolutely gorgeous woman sitting across from him. She was so sexy he just wanted to kiss her right then and there, and screw the consequences with Kathy and the kids. Oh, his kids would understand, and Kathy was a bitch anyway.

"So, what's up, Don?" Olivia asked as she sauntered into his office, Elliot on her heels. "Are we getting another award for just being so awesome that we arrest everybody and Fin and Munch never do anything?"

"Actually, we do all the work, you two just usually take all the glory-" Elliot slammed the office door on Munch's exclamation and turned to look back at Cragen.

"Uh, no. And Olivia, I'm your Captain, it's either sir or Cragen, not Don," Cragen said flatly.

"So, anyway, if it's not an award, why do you need us, Don?" Olivia asked brightly.

Cragen groaned, then just decided to get on with it. "Fine. Well, for some reason, the police department in California has decided they need you two to fly out and go undercover as a married couple, even though they have their own cops and have no reason to call upon cops from New York to do this and, in fact, they never would. And the rules and regulations against partners-"

"Oh, great! When do we leave, Donnie?" Elliot asked with that dumb smile on his face he always had whenever he was fantasizing about Olivia, which, to Cragen, seemed like every god damn second.

"It's not Donnie! Don I could handle if we weren't on the job, but Donnie? No! And you leave tomorrow, even though this would actually require a long chain of paperwork that could take months to process-"

"This is wonderful!" Olivia squealed. "Ooh, do we have kids?"

"Aren't you two going to even ask what the assignment is and why-"

"Yes, kids! That would be nice. Do we have kids, Donnie?"

Elliot and Olivia both have identical looks of blissful, happy stupidity plastered on their faces, reminding Cragen why he would be happy to get both of them the hell out of his squad room. Forcing back his angry retort, he forced himself to smile and said, "Yes, you have kids. Twins. Amanda and Mark, both eleven years old. The people you're investigating are a couple who-"

"Oh, Elliot!" Olivia turned to face her partner, practically glowing. "Can you imagine? You, me,

and two kids? This is going to be greatest assignment ever!"

"I know! Oh, just-"

"Um, Elliot?" The two partners turned around to see Elliot's wife, Kathy, standing in the doorway to Cragen's office. "El, I just stopped by to tell you that I have an extra shift at the hospital in half an hour and I-"

"See you later, Kathy," Elliot said shortly as he pushed by her, heading back to his desk, Olivia right behind him. "Olivia and I are going undercover as married couple with twins in California, and we could be gone for months, so good bye!"

"Elliot," she said uncertainly, "I don't really feel comfortable with that, since I'm reasonably sure you're sleeping with Olivia already- and what about the kids? They won't-"

"Oh my god, what a bitch!" Olivia gasped. "Elliot is just doing his job and she starts saying he's cheating! And now she's saying he can't do his job because he has to stay home for her and not the kids! What a selfish bitch!"

"That's actually not what I said-"

"Come on, Olivia," Elliot said, pulling his partner along behind him. "Let's go. Kathy, I want a divorce, and I'm taking the kids!" he shouted back at her. Kathy just stared after them in confusion as the pair left the precinct.

SVUSVUSVU

"Amber and Steven Carson!" Olivia sang under her breath as she and Elliot walked up to their new house in California, where the moving crew was currently bringing in their things. "I'm Mrs. Amber Carson! What a lovely undercover name! And I love yours too."

Suddenly, she gave an exaggerated gasp and pointed very obviously across the street. "Look, Elliot! It's some nice neighbors! They couldn't possibly be the people we're here to investigate!"

The two people approached them, dressed like two Grim Reapers and were clearly the bad guys in this equation. The man approached them and said in a raspy voice, "Hello, I'm the Devil, but people call me Bill. This is my wife, Sadistic Female Bitch."

"Yeah, but all my friends call me Sarah," the woman said in a voice that sounded almost exactly like her husbands.

"Sarah and Bill, huh? It's good you go by those names, Devil and Sadistic Female Bitch are horrible sounding! They make you sound like serial rapists or killers or something!" Olivia said obliviously with another huge smile.

Sarah and Bill looked at each other, then nodded. "Right," Bill said slowly in that quiet, death voice of his that only the Grim Reaper could possibly possess. "Well, we just came to welcome you to the neighborhood. You have kids, right?"

"Oh, yeah! They're right over there. Amanda, Mark, over here!" The two gorgeous twins who looked absolutely nothing alike ran obediently over to Elliot and Olivia and smiled up innocently at the neighbors, who were very obviously part of a large kidnapping and sex trade ring. "Amanda's eleven and a senior in high school! She's got a full ride to Harvard next year! Isn't that great?" Olivia gushed while Amanda nodded proudly.

"Yeah, and Mark's a junior- he spends more time on his piano playing than school, that's why he's not graduating this year. He performed Faerie's Arie and Death Waltz after ten minutes of practice and won first prize in that international piano competition, isn't that right?"

"Well, yes, but I also won it ten consecutive years after that. I've won it every year I've been alive!"

"And he's not even Asian!" Olivia added on after her son. "Aren't they both amazing?"

Grim Reaper 1 and Grim Reaper 2 just looked at each other before Sarah said, "Are you sure their names aren't Mary Sue? They sure sound like it."

"Oh, nonsense! Those are girl's names, Mark here is a boy! Well, it looks the movers are finished up. Let's go inside, Steven!" Olivia said to Elliot and they headed towards their house.

"What idiots," Devil said under his breath. "What complete, utter idiots."

SVUSVUSVU

After they had put their little adorable genius children to bed, Elliot turned to Olivia and said, "Livviebear, I have something to tell you..." His eyes grew dark and stormy with passion as he said in a low voice, "I have loved you ever since I first saw you, Olivia. My wife is nothing to me anymore. I'm going to divorce her and get custody of my kids. I never loved her in the first place; it's you I've always loved. I. LOVE. YOU. Olivia. I love you. Oh baby, you're the only woman there is for me. Kathy's nothing. She forced me to stay with her. Did you know that I asked her if she was having sex with the new doctor down at the hospital and she actually got mad at me? See, I know you would never do that. I love you, Olivia. I love you."

"Oh, Elliot, it makes me so glad to hear you say that! I love you too!" Olivia cried. "And now we can have kids together and dance off into the lovely sunset and get married- in that order! I love you, Elliot!" she gasped before kissing him. The two ran to the bedroom and began to celebrate their new realization together in a very poorly written sex scene that this author won't expose you lovely people to.

6 months later

"Oh my god, Livvie, I'm so sorry I let this happen to you!" Elliot sobbed as he sat next Olivia on the hospital bed right after she got the rape kit. "I'm so sorry!"

"Oh, El," Olivia sobbed back, "It was those nice neighbors- Bill and Sarah! And then Kathy was there and she was behind everything! She raped me, Elliot! Waaaaaaaah! Hold me! Hold me!"

The rest of SVU watched from the doorway, practically bawling as well, except for Cragen. "All right, does anybody besides me wonder how we just magically appeared out here?" he asked.

"Oh, Donnie!" Olivia cried when she saw him. "Thank you so much for coming down! Because you all need to know that I'm pregnant! My rapist got me pregnant!" She burst into tears and allowed Elliot to hug her and she hid her face in his shirt.

"But you just said you were raped by Kathy- a woman, for god's sakes! And you can't pregnant that quickly; you need-"

"Oh my god, Donnie, this is horrible!" Fin gasped. "Livvie was rapped by Elliot's ex-wife and now she's pregnant- Bill must have rapped her too!"

"Fin! You are a sex crime detective; you know damn well that's it not rapped, it's-"

"Oh, don't worry, Olivia!" Elliot cried as he hugged Olivia tighter. "Babe I'll always protect you! That bitch I married will never touch you again and I'll help you raise that babies! I love you!"

"Excuse me, you two are partners! IAB regulations and protocols forbid-"

"Oh El, I love you!" Olivia gasped and cried harder into his shoulder.

Cragen started to interfere again, disgusted with the entire thing, before another slew of horribly written scenes hit him head-on and he was out for the count. Well, for the next three months.

3 months later

"Oh Daddy, we understand," Maureen promised him. "Kathy's a bitch. We don't love her; we love you and Livvie."

"Yeah, Livvie, can we call you Mom?" Kathleen added on.

"Of course!" Olivia exclaimed happily. "I'd love that."

"So, we all set up two up with the honeymoon suite at the fancy hotel so you can enjoy yourselves all night long. We love you both, Mom and Dad, and with Kathy in jail for raping you, Mom, all will be well!"

Cragen tried to burst in here to point out simply everything that was wrong with this scene, but once again, Elliot and Olivia overruled him like he wasn't even there. "Oh, how sweet! I love you guys!" Olivia exclaimed. "This is amazing!"

Once again, the happy yet blissfully stupid couple skips off down to the honeymoon suite and there is a poorly written love scene, very similar to the one skipped before. Let's move on to the precinct.

"Don!" Olivia exclaimed as she walked into his office, one hand resting on her very pregnant belly. "Guess what?"

"Livvie and I are getting married!" Elliot finished before Cragen even had the chance to groan at this new ridiculous development. "She's three months pregnant with her rapist's twins, but don't worry, I'm going to raise them as if they were my own! Now that Kathy's in jail she can't bother us ever again so now we're going to get married and raise babies together! Isn't this wonderful?"

Cragen had had about enough of this. "All right, Olivia, it is not possible for you to look this pregnant if the twins were conceived only three months ago! And do either of you know that if you two got married, you would both be fired? You are not allowed to-"

"Oh my god, Elliot! He gave us his blessing! Oh, Donnie, will you give me away at the wedding next month?" Olivia begged, walking over Cragen's furious declaration completely and pretending like he hadn't said anything.

"Will I WHAT?" he bellowed. "Benson! Get your head on straight or-"

"He said YES!" Elliot bawled. "He's going to walk you down the aisle! Oh Livviebear, isn't this wonderful? Now we're going to get married and have babies and Donnie's going to walk you down the aisle and-"

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"

Cragen turned in relief to look at the new arrival to the squad room- a very unhappy Casey Novak. She stormed forward over to where Elliot and Olivia were still eagerly discussing the upcoming wedding and snapped, "Am I the ONLY one who doesn't see how stupid this entire thing is?"

"Casey? What are you doing here?" Cragen asked in confusion. "I thought you were gone for good."

"Well, you would think that, because I wasn't in the first two episodes this fall- EVEN THOUGH I was in both the series and episode two's preview, and Alex Cabot was in neither! See, I would of made an earlier appearance than this, but then I saw this fic here coming. It's horrific and overused storyline knocked me out of reality- I've been trying to find my way out of this terrifying mess for two weeks now. But that's not my point. How am I the ONLY ONE here who thinks this whole story sucks?"

"No!" Cragen exclaimed. "No, I've been trying to say that this entire time! But every time I did, Stabler and Benson just kept on going off in their disgusting little fantasies, as always."

"Well, that's because they're sucked into the world of bad fanfiction, where you give Elliot and Olivia your blessing to date, have kids together, then get married- and, of course, you always walk Olivia down the aisle and give a touching though poorly written speech about how Olivia's like a daughter to you. This is after they confess their undying love to each other the very first night they go undercover, in a mission that has absolutely no back-story or rhyme or reason to it whatsoever. Then there's Kathy, but in this universe, she is always a psychotic killer/bitch, so Elliot's kids fall in love with Olivia and support her and their father having sex all the way."

"Ridiculous," Cragen said, shuddering at the thought. "This is terrible, Casey- wait, what happened to the Mary Sues? You know, Amanda and Mark?"

"Oh, them?" she said dismissively. "Well, they normally move in with Elliot and Olivia after the undercover mission is over- once again, lacking any back-story- but occasionally, the author just forgets about them entirely. That's what happened here. Either that or she was lazy. Anyway, they weren't full-fledged Mary Sues- see, they didn't have any back-story, so they can't have been abused by a step-parent. They also completely lacked an attempt to have a well-written personality and none of the detectives fell in love with them. Anyways, moving on- we all saw Elliot and Olivia meet the Grim Reaper neighbors out in California?"

"Yeah," Cragen agreed. "Isn't that something that always happens too? Their neighbors are always the child traffickers or whatever, and they are so obviously the bad guys, yet Elliot and Olivia are both oblivious."

"Yes. But oh damn, look at the time. It's really late," Casey finished, picking up her briefcase. "Cragen, you should probably get out of here. Fin and Munch should too, although we may have to drag them against their will- they are still caught up in the irresistible lure of bad fanfiction because of how funny it is to read. After we clear the building, Huang's going to come in here and see if there's anything left of the original Elliot and Olivia to salvage. If not, they, as well as this building, where so many bad fanfictions had taken place that it's tainted, are going to go up into flames. Come on, let's go." Casey strolled out of the precinct as quickly as she had come, and Cragen only took one look at Elliot and Olivia- who were still gushing over her pregnant stomach- before grabbing Munch and Fin by their collars and walking away with them. In his opinion, Elliot and Olivia were both acting so out of character in the first place that they should have already been killed off in a bizarre accident. But it's so late at night that he can't think of any better ending then that, so he just walks out of the precinct and leaves the Dynamic Duo to kill everybody with the mushy-ness of their ridiculous love.

It really is late. I have to go to sleep. See you guys later, and please review.