Because nobody likes a vague DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to the fantastical Joss Whedon.
Warning: The story is true to the Buffy/Angel theme, but if you remember Chapter 1's poem, Time is crucial. So I guess, it's slightly A/R. But i'm a romantic at heart, so don't expect crazy fantasy.. this is strictly a Buffy/Angel Series Fluffy Drama. I'm still new at this, so i'm not sure i'd be good enough for that.
Ok, that said.. What you need to know: Well just that (the warning) and the previous chapters.
Spoilers: From now on, EVERYTHING.
Anyway, here you go!
CHAPTER II:
Elegy For Himself
My prime of youth is but a frost of cares;
My feast of joy is but a dish of pain;
My crop of corn is but a field of weeds;
And all my good is but vain hope of gain:
The day is past, and yet I saw no sun;
And now I live, and now my life is done.
My tale was heard, and yet it was not told;
My fruit is fall'n, and yet my leaves are green;
My youth is spent, and yet I am not old;
I saw the world, and yet I was not seen:
My thread is cut, and yet it is not spun;
And now I live, and now my life is done.
I sought my death, and found it in my womb;
I looked for life, and saw it was a shade;
I trod the earth, and knew it was my tomb;
And now I die, and now I was but made;
My glass is full, and now my glass is run;
And now I live, and now my life is done.
~Chidiock Tichborne
†
Year 25
Alot can happen in the span of a lifetime. Not his own. No, the course of his existence hasn't changed much. He still helps the helpless. The only difference is, he's now forgotten about redemption, and his physical involvement is quite minimal. That is, of course, due to the predominance of hundreds of slayers choosing to fight.
His part takes place in the library with Giles. Even though they're far from friendship, they work well together. They have more in common with each other than either of them will ever admit, and together they're the ultimate source of knowledge. For 20 years, they've guided their heroines safely to battle the few enemies still left. So, it's not without anguish the day a partnering becomes one.
It happens quickly, one minute Giles is there, and the next, he's gone. It isn't in a blaze of glory as the Ripper might have liked, but it's an honorable end regardless. But Angel doesn't like thinking of his death, only of the few moments of life he managed to share with a man whom he greatly admired, despite not entirely agreeing with his methods.
The funeral is at sunset, and Angel is greatly moved by the gesture when he finds out it was per Giles' request. The sun has yet to set, but he's so close he can almost hear the preacher begin.
When the sun is finally submerged under the horizon, he escapes the shade of his hiding spot. He finds Rupert's family and friends with ease; there are dozens of people there, yet it doesn't surprise him. Giles was so much more than a watcher, he undoubtedly mixed with many others throughout his life. Angel hangs back from the crowd. He calls only 3 family among all the people there, and he feels as if he's intruding by where he stands already.
The ceremony is respectable and becoming to a man like Giles. Dawn says a few words in his honour, Rupert being after all, the only father she ever really had. Her emotions overflowing, she takes a moment's pause to collect herself. Although Dawn looks about 10 years older than him, he still sees her as that teenage girl who once admitted considering him an older brother. In these moments, he wishes he could console her. She sees him then, gains strength from his presence and continues.
Willow speaks as well, and a few others he knows by name only. When the service is over people disperse, some gather in groups consoling one another, others head back to their vehicles. From the distance, he sees the three still honouring the great librarian. From his lone spot, he can see their profiles; Xander's arm wrapped around Dawn, her head leaning slightly into the crook of his neck, silent tears falling from her eyes. Willow stands beside her, both hands holding Dawn's right hand. Seeing just the three of them at once is rare, what with their lives and children and Angel's continued desire to live in the background.
He decides to join them finally. He reaches Willow first and she smiles softly at him. She reaches out and takes hold of his hand, gives it a gentle squeeze then lets go. They're all familiar with the real Angel, and the truth is, there's been so much hurt in his life that the brood is no longer just a mask. He wears it more often than not, but after all the years, they know him well enough to see right through it. There are moments of course, when it all fades into his subconscious, and the vampire with a soul is able to crack a smile, or live in the here and now. Right now, they see reflected in him their own sadness.
Dawn moves first, stepping away from Xander and Willow, and places her arms around Angel.
"I miss him." She says amidst her tears.
"I do too." He replies quietly.
She lets him go then, looks him in the eye.
"I'm glad you're here." she continues, then turns back to the other Scoobies, "I'm glad we're all still together, even after all these years."
"We're family, Dawnie." Willow replies simply, and links arms with her.
"Just not your traditional version." Xander quips in.
They all let small smiles slip despite their circumstances. Dawn wipes her eyes dry.
Willow turns to Angel, "Are you coming to the little get together at the school?" She asks.
He doesn't answer at first. He wants to but he's not sure he's ready to go back yet. Plus, being around all those slayers, whose energy and presence are reminiscent of her, is still difficult for him.
"I don't know." He answers truthfully.
"It's alright Angel if you wanna skip it. It's going to be a chick fest, lots of tissue and such. I miss Giles as much as they do, but I'm sure even he wouldn't wanna put me nor you, nor any man through that. You and I will go where the men go."
Xander adds then, and when Willow turns to look at him they share a knowing look only Angel fails to see.
But he knows.
"Well then, I guess I'll drive Willow and I to the school and I can pick Xander up later at your place when I drive her home, and you guys are done your manly thing." Dawn says as she lets Willow go and walks up to Xander.
She smooths the lapels of his jacket and plants a soft kiss on his lips.
"Don't get too carried away, ok?" She says to him only slightly serious.
In past years, Angel shared a home with Willow and Dawn. But as the youngster grew into a woman, the relationship between her and Xander changed. It was not the type of romance that happened all of a sudden, instead it took years to form. Dawn and him had always held a special connection, were united by a bond they alone shared. Their friendship started out innocently, an opportunity for Xander to feel like his old self again.
During the hard days, she was his source of comfort, someone who'd smile genuinely whenever he talked about Anya. And then it happened, there was a rare screening of one of the Star Wars films one night, and only she was willing to accompany him. The air around them changed as he walked her home after, and halfway there, they shared their first kiss.
A year a half later, they were married. It's still true that Xander will always love Anya, but what he feels for Dawn isn't a betrayal to that love. He feels alive again, and he knows Anya would want him to be happy. So now, it's only Willow, and himself. Regardless of possible opportunities and romances, Will never married. She's taken lovers but no relationship has ever blossomed past that. Perhaps it's the fact that like Angel, she's already experienced great love (and twice at that), and doesn't expect to find it again.
"I'll try to behave." Xander's voice carries a little of his old teenage hilarity, and it's comforting in its own way.
Quickly, he switches to perfect husband mode and asks, "Are you gonna be ok?"
A small smile plays on her lips, "Ya, I think I am. He's in a better place."
With Buffy, they all think in unison, but it goes unspoken.
Later on that night...
They sit at their familiar booth, reminiscing and toasting the one and only Rupert Giles. Xander is careful about what memories to bring up, sure not to mention Buffy's name. With the pain he knows Angel is already feeling, he knows it isn't wise to add it to the mix.
Surprisingly however, it is Angel who mentions her first.
"After losing my son, Cordelia, Fred and the others, and after experiencing Buffy's death not once, not twice but 3 times, I just never expected anything to hurt again. I thought I'd be numb after all these years. But now..." His voice trails off and his face darkens.
"Now it's started all over again." Xander finishes for him. "You know it's only going to get harder, right?"
He's been thinking about this ever since they laid Giles in the earth.
"I'd be pretty naive if by this point, I didn't." Angel replies, then gulps down the last bit of his drink.
"Have you ever considered leaving? Breaking free from it all?"
There is no point in pretending he doesn't understand what Xander means by that.
"No." he responds, his voice just as raw.
After a moment's pause, he adds, "You're all my family now. No matter how much pain the future might bring, I won't abandon you guys. I made a promise, and I intend on keeping it."
Having passed his limit, his censor gone, Xander asks, "Even if it destroys whatever humanity you have left?"
"I'm sort of counting on it."
He speaks nonchalantly, as if he speaks of common trivialities, such as the weather. He turns to the solitary waitress in this small pub, and orders another round.
"That's no way to live." Xander replies despondently, causing Angel's head to whip back around.
"I'm done living."
His voice closes for second, "... I know it's what she wanted from me. But it was stupid of her to think I could be happy after- after everything, I finally see the truth."
There is more emotion in Angel's voice than Xander has heard in years. Afraid of the answer, he asks, "And that is?"
"It's pretty obvious don't you think? Redemption, the fairy tale ending, such things weren't meant for a monster like me."
There is conviction in his words, absolute belief in their truth. And it's this that sets Xander off.
"For someone your age, you really can be a child sometimes. Why is it always with the black and white with you?"
Without waiting for an answer, Xander continues, "Firstly: You don't just get the happy ending, Angel. It isn't something that's just rationed by how good you are. You work towards it everyday, even though you always end up treading through alot of shit to get it. And nine times out of ten, it only lasts briefly. But if you're lucky enough to experience it, every second is worth all that shit."
The waitress arrives then with their drinks, and after throwing the two a curious look, sets the two drinks on the table, smiles courteously and leaves.
Xander takes a sip, then flashes two fingers at Angel.
"Secondly: Your story clearly isn't over yet. If it was, you'd be a pile of ash right now. But as I see you standing in front of me, I see that's not the case. You know better than anyone that things aren't always what they seem. If you really do love her, then you have to trust what she believed, you have to trust her."
"And if I don't?" Protest still hiding in Angel's voice.
"Then you really will be stuck this way forever."
Year 60
"I love you Angel, but you have to leave before she dies. Before I die."
She places her withered hand on his soft skin, and smiles at this unchanged man she considers a brother. She's not remotely phased by his youth, she had her time, she had a good life, she only wishes he had as well.
"I won't leave her, and I won't leave you. I made a promise to myself, that I would stick around for you, Willow, Giles, hell even Xander."
The last two names are difficult for him to utter since both men are gone.
"I understand that, but I can't watch you die with us, Angel. And I see it already. When Giles died, we didn't see you for months. Then Xander-"
Dawn's voice cracks on his name, that pain is still too fresh.
"You nearly went catatonic. And Willow, she's your best friend. She was..."
Dawn hesitates on saying her sister's name. He never takes it very well. "...her best friend. And me, well-"
"You're her sister, her blood. I know what you're getting at."
"I just don't think you can handle it."
He stands then, moving away from her. Glancing out at the night sky, he turns his back on her.
"I'm not going anywhere."
Dawn knows she has to pull out the big guns, she wished so desperately she wouldn't need.
"I'm not asking you to leave for me, or for Willow. Do you really think this is how Buffy wants you to live? What she meant when she asked you to carry on?"
His head snaps back to her, all fight gone the minute he looks into Dawn's knowing eyes. He walks back to where she sits, and kneels in front of her.
"Why are you asking this of me?"
"Because it's time Angel, for you to make a new start. For you to start living again."
He rests his head on her quilt guarded lap, and gently she places a hand over his head.
"Impossible." He says softly.
A knowing smile spreads on her face, a smile that says much, and may have changed something in him had he seen it.
"Someday, it'll happen."
He says nothing to her words, knows she's trying to provide comfort, so arguing would be fruitless. He lifts his head, looks into her still youthful eyes, approaches the other topic at hand.
"I understand where you're coming from Dawn, but understand mine. You're my family, and all I have left of her, and I will not abandon you."
She had expected his rebuke, but had not expected to be dissuaded by his words.
"For all my years, and I have some, I can still be so naive. I was only trying to think of you, but who am I to know what's best for you?"
Her words resonate within himself, bring him back about 70 years, to a night in a sewer.
"I wish I'd have come to my own senses as quickly as you just did."
She clues in fairly quickly to his reference, mentally berates herself.
"I didn't mean.." she starts to say.
"It's ok Dawn. I know you didn't."
Needing a subject change, she addresses her greatest concern, feels it needs a voice. "Who's going to take care of you?"
The question sounds strange considering he's more than 200 years OLDER than her.
"I worry about what'll happen after I go. Aside from us four, you haven't let anyone else in. Not even my own children."
That's just how it had always been. Her, Willow, and eventually Xander made sure he didn't crumble under the weight of his loss, and his ever present guilt. Tried to make him live in the world even if it was just a world filled with four people.
After Buffy's second death, she hadn't thought it would get as bad as it has. But after 60 years, she has some insight to the man behind the brood. He has a great capacity to love, and he does, fully. He has complete dedication to those whom he loves, holds their well-being above his own. Once upon a time, he also had the strong conviction to do what was right, but that's been gone for decades now.
He holds her slightly less cold hands in his own.
"Don't worry about me, Dawnie. I'll be ok." He says trying to reassure her, though the words are not exactly the truth he feels inside.
Her eyes crinkle like foil paper as she smiles, "If you really let yourself believe it, you will be."
Year 70
"It's time to move on, Angel."
Willow's voice calls out from behind him, her voice wrinkled with age. He continues to stare at the tombstone in front of him as he hears her approach. She places her withered hand around his forearm, more strength behind the grasp than expected.
"I just got here." He disagrees.
"I didn't mean here specifically, I meant here generally."
This response forces him to turn towards her.
"I won't..." He starts.
"Abandon me, yeah yeah. I know what you told Xander and Dawn, and they might have bought it. But you know, that I know better."
She taps her head knowingly. "I'm coming with you so there's nothing to argue about."
He's startled by her words, she'd know it even if she couldn't see it on his face.
"And the school.. the slayers?" He asks.
"They don't need us anymore. I'm an old lady now, even though I look great for my age, and you're just as frail as I am. What you and I need, is a break."
It's more true for him than for her, and they both know it. When in actual years she is 96, Willow doesn't look a day over 60. They can't explain it exactly, all that can be said is that after 70 years of hosting powerful magic, it's had an effect on her body and her aging process. Physically, she's healthier than many two thirds her age.
He's momentarily tempted to argue, but doesn't. Dawn's recent death has been the hardest on him since Buffy's. And a respite might actually do him some good. The happier moments he's had here no longer outweigh the tragedy 3 deaths brought with them.
"Where did you have in mind?" He asks, resignation in the sound of his voice.
A few months later...
"It looks exactly the same."
The words come out in a rush, and even though he expects this place to bring him pain, it doesn't. Almost everyone he's ever loved has lived within its walls at some point, and any doubts he held towards Willow's choice are gone within the second. The years spent away from here have warmed its memory in his mind.
He steps into the main lobby.
"That's because I'm good." She answers, following him inside. "The outside needs some work, however."
She then walks through the lobby and up the stairs towards the courtyard. His eyes follow her direction.
"If you'll excuse me, I need to see green."
She rolls her sleeves up as an indication to her intentions, and walks out the glass doors.
However, he doesn't notice. His mind wanders the moment he catches glimpse of that entryway.
...
You know, you choosing this place doesn't surprise me. At all."
She nudges his side with her elbow teasingly, as she speaks. Even in the darkness of night, sun kisses her skin. She passes the gate first, and together they walk towards the entrance doors.
She's feeling particularly playful this evening, having finally lost the last bit of tension she still carried from the fight with the Senior Partners. Which had happened nearly 6 months ago.
He smiles out of the corner of his mouth, and asks, "Why is that?"
"Where else were you going to fit your ego?"
She stops to face him just inside the threshold, tries to remain dead serious, but is unable to as she sees his face of disbelief, and bursts into laughter instead.
Stoic as ever, he responds, "Is this your way of thanking me for dinner? Cuz I'm not sure I like your style."
"Alright, alright, i'm done."
She forces herself to stop, a few remaining giggles getting through anyway.
"Always so serious." She elbows him again, and flashes a quick smile at him before turning to walk down the few steps.
But before her feet move, his hand hooks onto her arm and he pulls her towards him. She's flush against him, and the coolness of his skin magnifies the heat of her own. All teasing is gone, as they stare into each others eyes. This place they're in, is all too familiar. Torn between their desires, and the reality of their situation.
She opens her mouth to speak, to end the happiness bound to arrive if they let it get any further. But he silences her with his lips. Her heart pounds the time away, as she sinks into the taste of him in her mouth. As all good things come to an end, he cups her cheek with his hand and pulls away.
"I'm sorry..." he starts, but she kisses him once more.
"I know." She says after the kiss, before he tries to continue. "I miss you too. I wish..."
"Shhhh." He places his fingers over her mouth momentarily. "Don't say it."
She trembles slightly, trying to contain her emotions as she nods in response.
"Can we just pretend a little longer?" She pleads.
His fingers skim the side of her face, and his smile is heartbreaking.
"I love you, Buffy."
It's the first time he's said it in years, and she can't help the tear that slides down her cheek.
"Always." Is her only reply.
He kisses her.
A/N: You're all probably thrown by the time that's passed. There are 3 main reasons for it:
1. I wanted to experiment with the type of relationship that might have formed between the Scoobies and Angel in a post Buffy situation.
2. I wanted to give Buffy and Angel a completely new start and setting. Hence the title, 'After the End'.
3. I wanted to break free from the end of both shows, and try something entirely new for me. (I've done the post series B/A get together many times, as you may have read)
Besides, I felt that if I brought her back right away, things couldn't really change for them. Buffy would still be THE slayer, and his past would always hang over him. And I wanted to give them more than that.
Now I realize some of you may think I'm making it a little hard for Angel by putting him through all this, but my goal is to set him free too. What I understand about his character is pretty much what Buffy says in her letter. This story is about him letting go of all that pressure, and focusing on his own happiness. And as Angel is quite stubborn in that regard, I needed the time to break him from all his self imposed "anchors". e.i. The scoobies, his guilt, Buffy's death.
Oh, and pretty much everything in italics, will be a flashback of some sort. IE. A memory, daydream, regular old dream.
Muchos Thank Yous for reading and reviewing!