The Third Year

Author's Note: Law & Order SVU and its characters are not mine, they are Dick Wolf's.

Please note that the change of point of view / speaker indicated by the italics. Everything that is not italicized is still Olivia's first person POV.

In this chapter, we find out who Olivia is speaking to. Please enjoy reading and do review!

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The box had been left in his apartment door. He didn't know who delivered it or how it got there. All he knew was when he got home from his new job, it was there.

It's been almost a year since he left SVU, almost 8 months since he's been living in this apartment in Manhattan's Lower East Side and almost 5 months since he and Kathy had been officially divorced. His life was a mess since he killed Jenna.

He'd had a nervous breakdown after the shooting. He had to go into a rehab of sorts to get himself together. It had been hell but there was light at the end of the tunnel. He realized in rehab that he and Kathy were long over and when he got out, he made sure to take care of that.

Of course, Kathy had been mad and the result was that he only got twice monthly visitations with his kids. But for now, that was okay with him. He knew he had to go slowly. Once he was okay, he was going to petition the courts for joint custody. But for now, he wasn't capable of that. He knew it and he accepted it. Acceptance of things he cannot change for the moment was part of his learnings in rehab.

He had actually faced a lot of his demons in the last year and though he wasn't 100 percent yet, he was proud of what he had accomplished thus far. But there was one thing he refused to think about and that was Olivia. Once in a while, an image of her face would cross his mind and when it did, he quickly shut it out. He still couldn't deal with her. He still couldn't deal with his feelings for her. Couldn't? If he was honest with himself, it was more of wouldn't rather than couldn't. After 12 years of denial, it was now a habit – one that was wrong but at the same time, hard to break.

At least, until the box arrived. It was a plain box and there was no return address. There were no stamps or airway bills of any sort. It was a just small brown box with his name written at the top. At first he hesitated to open it. Over the years, as detective, he had made enemies – people he had sent away to prison have been known to make threats against him when they got out or even in jail. So he was wary at first. But then after careful inspection, he was convinced that this box was just that. A box with something inside for him. Something benign. Nothing deadly. So he took a deep breath and opened it. The contents of the box puzzled him. It was filled with cds. He counted them and found that there were 13 cds in all. The cds were labeled with dates from a month after the shooting and the most recent one was only 2 weeks ago. Aside from that, there were titles that said The First Year, The Second Year until The Twelfth Year. The 13th cd was different. Written on the 13th were the words, Save for last. There were no other labels or writing in them and he had to admit, he was curious. And the short note included inside that said, "You need listen to these." made him all the more curious. He carefully studied the writing on the note. And he surmised that the note along with the cd titles were written by a calm, steady hand that he did not recognize.

He decided then not to worry about who sent it but instead to focus on what was on those cds. So he took the one that said, The First Year, popped it into his laptop and played it. He paled all of a sudden when he heard the voice on it. Olivia. "And that was how we met…." It began. His heart began to beat faster. And as much as he didn't want to hear, he couldn't bring himself to press stop. He heard Olivia begin to tell their story. And he cradled his head in his hands.

He missed her. He missed her so much. Why couldn't he bring himself to see her?

He continued to listen. For the first 10 minutes, it was just Olivia talking. He wondered who she was talking to at first, and when he finally heard a second voice, it was a voice of another woman. It sounded familiar but he couldn't place it? His first thought was Rebecca Hendrix but then again, Liv knew he had a brief flirtation with her – she wouldn't have gone to her. So who was she speaking to?

It was only when he was nearly done with the second year that he realized who it was. Liz Olivet. She had been a psychologist for the DA's office. She went to Liz? Did he really fuck her up that much? "Well you won't ever know will you Elliot? Not until you finally get the balls to go to her." An inner voice suddenly taunted him.

He ignored it though and concentrated on her voice telling their story. He couldn't believe that she was actually telling their story. It was sordid, wrong, right, amazing, full of love, full of passion, full of hate, anger and sadness. They had been all of that. Their story had been all of that.

For the next hour and a half he listened to the first two CDs. At first he was impassive. By the time he got to the end of the 2nd cd, emotions were starting to course through Elliot. Try as he might, he could not remain stoic and detached. This was Olivia. His partner, his best friend and his part time lover for 12 years. How could he remain detached and unemotional hearing everything that she was saying? It was an impossibility.

When he finished the second cd, he grabbed a beer from the fridge before he got the third cd to put on his laptop. Before he even played it, he already knew the pattern that the rest of the cds and the recordings contained in them were going to go. The Third Year was the title of this one and he knew that it would be about their 3rd year on the job. The third year of their so called agreement.

Looking back and up until now he couldn't believe that she had said yes to that. He truly was a selfish son of a bitch. Instead of calling it quits with Kathy, he had managed to find a way to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, it was once a year, but still…he knew that if he needed to do that with her once a year, then something had been wrong with his marriage. It went on for 12 years. If Jenna hadn't had happened, it would be probably still be going on now.

He sighed. It was too late for shoulda coulda wouldas. He pressed play then and listened once more …

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Honestly, I think by the time we were on our third year, Elliot and I were in a full blown emotional affair. Not that we would have ever admitted to anyone…even to ourselves.

Sure, we only got together once a year so far. But sometimes I wonder if we could actually keep it at that. But again we weren't ready to admit to anything.

The third year was quite an emotional rollercoaster for all of us. Mostly because that was the year of 9/11. We lost so many of our friends to that tragedy that it was all we could not to give up. And to just say "To hell with it."

But we didn't. We trudged through that. We survived. We knew we had to survive for those who didn't. For those who sacrificed their lives so that we could have a future. So that we could go on. We owed them that. We owed them not to give up hope but to continue to fight the good fight.

However that was easier said than done. Once more, less than a year after the last time we came together, two cases threw both Elliot and I for a loop. Mine was the first.

I had sent an innocent man to jail. For many years of his life, he had been locked up. This was because I was good at my job and I had made my case. When the case went to trial, a jury believed me and the district attorney and found him guilty. But now thanks to the advances of science, DNA technology had found him innocent. His conviction was overturned and he was a free man. Of course, though he was free, we….I could never give back the years he lost in prison. I cannot undo anything that was done to him there.

I didn't know at first that he his conviction had been vacated and that he was released. This only came to light after three bodies turned up in a body farm just outside of Poughkeepsie. It was a federal area and so the bodies had been discovered quite quickly. I wasn't there when Elliot was called and he was the one who went up there. It made sense that it would be him to go up there because he was our federal liaison.

We later found out that I was the connection to all three. And later on we found out that Eric Plummer – that was the guy I had put in jail wrongly – was the one behind the murders. He murdered 3 innocent people plus one that wasn't quite so innocent because he wanted to get back at me. I was beyond humiliated and mad and devastated. Four people were killed because of me.

When I finally caught up to him, to Eric, he had taken another woman hostage. And I felt that I had no choice except to shoot him. I fired my gun and I killed him. I killed him only to find out that the gun he was wielding had no bullets in it…just like he told me right before I shot him.

Of course I knew I had no real way of knowing that. And knowing what he had done, that he was capable of murder, didn't really bode well for him and his credibility. As I confronted him, he freely confessed to the murders – he said he had wanted to set them free from their pain. So when he said that his gun wasn't loaded, I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe him. How could I after a confession like that? But nevertheless, I felt very guilty. I was the reason that all these murders happened. And I couldn't forgive myself for that. Rationally, I knew the system was not perfect and that I had not rendered the guilty verdict. But still maybe if I had checked the evidence again, maybe if I had not been so single minded in my quest to prove him guilty I would have seen something that would have exonerated him and 5 people would have still been alive.

After I had shot him, I shut down. Elliot kept calling me, knocking at my door but I didn't answer. I couldn't answer. No one – I thought – no one could make me feel better right now. Not even my partner.

I took a week off after that and when I returned, I was almost back to normal. I was able to talk to Elliot again. I was able to do my job to the fullest again. Though we never talked about it, I think Elliot understood. Or so I thought – at least until a case came along that turned the tables. And at that point, however irrational it seemed, I thought he was getting his payback.

Right before that case however, there was a case that I admit made me think about us. It was this case about a man who was running around on his wife. Of course, the parallels were not a hundred percent. Elliot and I weren't having an affair in the very sense of the word. And this guy was not only running around with one woman other than his wife, he ran after a lot of them. Still, it made me think. That case ended really badly. Again, there was no way what happened there could have happened to us. Peyton Cleberg was targeted for a hit that went awry. And that would definitely not have happened with us. But still, I knew what we were doing was wrong. Albeit it was only once a year then. It was still wrong. And no matter how justified Elliot and I were in doing what we did, it was still wrong.

Unfortunately, neither of us had the strength to say that. Neither of us had the strength to say no more. Especially since neither of us wanted it to stop.

The next case almost ripped Elliot to shreds. And the reason wasn't actually that one case per se. Right before we caught that one, Elliot had a previous case that went down the toilet. A pedophile grandfather who had raped his granddaughter and given her gonnorhea was acquitted. Elliot couldn't believe it. He was so angry. Worse, he made a promise to the girl that she was never going to get hurt again. And when the case was lost, I knew that was what was really bugging him and getting his goat. That because the system failed, a pedophile was now free to rape his granddaughter again.

Nevertheless, even though I understood this, it did not prevent me from being pissed at Elliot when we caught our next case. He had shut down as I had with the case of Eric Plummer. And because of this new case, he had to rein himself in and do his job. But he wasn't doing it very well. It'd have been fine with me, except his leftover frustration and anger was now spilling over and affecting the new one.

I could see the change in him. He was cold, detached, angry as he interviewed our victim. I had to get in between him and her because if I didn't he would have surely broken the already injured party. And I knew Elliot was better than that. Elliot was a great cop. I couldn't let him continue that way and get his career flushed down the toilet. It surely would have been had he had continued the way he was going.

And then after all my efforts to protect him and shield him, he did something that pissed me off. He pissed me off because when Hawk, a guy out of Manhattan South, whom he knew from the Academy suddenly swooped in and hijacked our case, Elliot automatically went with him as he commandeered the squad. I mean what was I? Who was I? I was his partner. I didn't care who this Hawk was. I wanted him to know that I was Elliot's partner. Not him. I had been covering his ass all this time and suddenly I was thrown to the side unceremoniously. Yeah, I was pissed.

Fortunately, thanks to their tenacity and stubborn nature, the rapist killer was found quickly and the case was put to bed.

But I was still pissed. I was pissed that he didn't seem to trust me enough to help with the case. I was pissed that he had so easily given in to Hawk that he work the case with him and not me. I was pissed that he had once again shut down. I was pissed that he did not give me enough importance to tell Hawk that if he wanted the two of them to work together, that I was part of the package. But he did none of that and I was pissed beyond belief.

Of course, I had shut down and ignored him during the Eric Plummer case too. But god damn it! Did he have to have payback? Deep down I doubted that it was payback, but in that moment that was what it felt like. It felt like that he was punishing me because of that.

So three days after that case was closed, I cornered him in the cribs. He was resting and I stormed into the room locking the door behind me. I shook him roughly, waking him up. He was startled and I could see that his cop reflexes had kicked in. As he sat up, he was ready to pummel whoever it was who woke him up. When he saw it was me, he took a deep breath and said in a very irritated voice, "What the hell, Liv?"

"What the hell, Liv?" I mimicked. I paused for a second and then spat out, "Fuck you, Elliot."

I knew I was being unreasonable. He didn't even know what I was mad about and I already cursed him.

"Yeah, what the hell?" He returned, his voice was cold, on the edge.

I looked at him, my eyes I knew were glittering from the anger that was surging through me. I don't know why I was so enraged. The case was over. Hawk was gone. He and I were full-fledged partners again so what the hell was wrong with me? I didn't know. All I knew was that I was fuming. I very angry at Elliot.

He looked at me, as if trying to figure out where my anger was coming from. But before he could say another word, my lips were on his. And I was kissing him, hungrily, angrily, urgently, roughly. All my resentment, all the pent up emotions that I had locked up since shooting Eric Plummer were bubbling to the surface.

I had managed to push him on his back, and he was now lying flat on the bed. He tried to put his arms under my shirt but I had grabbed them and pushed them over his head. I pinned him down. I could feel my lips getting swollen as I continued to devour him with my kissing. I could hear him struggling for air and several times he almost got out of the hold that I had him in. But my anger made me strong and I was able to hold him back.

Suddenly, his cell phone rang and I knew he had to answer it. I tore my mouth roughly away and exclaimed, "Fuck!"

I got up from straddling him and without another word, I left the cribs.

I ran towards the restrooms. I was breathing heavily as looked at myself in the mirror. My lips were swollen from the kissing and my lipstick was smeared all over my face. I turned the faucet on and started to wash my face.

All of a sudden, I heard the door open and close behind me. Before I even saw him, I knew it was Elliot. He was looking at me, the expression on his face I couldn't figure out. I could still see traces of my lipstick by his mouth.

I wiped my face with a towel and then turned to face him. The next thing I knew, he had pushed me against the sink and his pelvis was thrusting against me. His lips were on mine and his hand was underneath my shirt, squeezing my breast.

I gasped and managed to say, "Elliot, fuck. What the hell?"

"What the hell, Liv?" He returned, releasing my mouth. "What the hell was that up there?"

"I…I…" I stammered, suddenly not knowing what to say.

"What, Liv? Fuck, you're gonna drive me crazy."

I looked at him, my ass pressed against the sink and saw his blue eyes dark with lust and passion and need. I moaned soflty then replied in what could only be described as a harsh and ragged tone of voice. "I need you."

"What?" Elliot's voice was dangerously low and his hand that had been on my breast was travelling south.

"I..oh God!" I gasped as suddenly his hand was now under my pants and he had cupped my aching mound.

"What Liv?" He asked again, his voice rough as ever as he started to rub me between my legs as best as he could with my pants still on. "Say it, Liv."

"I…I…God damn it, Elliot! That's feels good." My breathing became rapid and I knew my face was flushed.

"Stop stalling, babe and say it." It was practically a command. The cocky son of a bitch. Suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one suddenly in control and demanding.

"I need you, El." I croaked. "I want you."

"Now? Right now? You want me to take you right here, Liv? Say the word and I will." Elliot told me. His face had a reckless look and one of his fingers had now entered my dripping slit.

"Fuck." I breathed. My control was slipping. I wanted him alright. But I also knew it couldn't happen there. Not because I was scared. But because I knew that it wouldn't be enough. I wanted him and I wanted him to make me squirm and cum and shout and shudder many times. And that couldn't be done here.

"You wanna fuck, Liv?" Elliot asked, his expression dark and ominous but also very seductive and hard to resist.

I nodded feverishly. My heart was pounding, scared that someone could walk in on us. I could feel Elliot's hardened cock against me and involuntarily I moaned at the feeling of it against my thigh. Forcing myself to speak, I said hoarsely, "Yes, I do but not here."

"Why not?"

"Because…"

"Because what, Liv? Because we might get caught?"

"No."

"Then why not here, right now. I can feel you Liv, you're fucking wet and ready and I'm sure you can feel how ready I am." Elliot replied, his words almost taunting.

I whimpered and I bit my lip. I didn't want anyone to hear us.

"Why not, Liv? Come on, tell me."

"Be…because, I don't want you just once El." I confessed. I looked away then, feeling not a little dirty. Once again, I needed him. God damn this job.

Elliot smirked and replied, "Is this going to be our yearly thing Liv? Because if it is, then fuck, you don't know how long I've needed this already."

I looked at him and nodded. "Yes."

He released me then and as I stood there catching my breath, he let me watch him lick the finger that had been inside me clean. "You have good timing you know?"

"Huh?" I know I looked puzzled.

"We're off again for the next two days."

I suddenly remembered that yes we were off. "So…" I started to say.

"Let's finish with our day and I'll call Kathy."

I looked him and nodded. Then without another word, I walked out of the restroom. A moment later, he walked out too.

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Elliot hit pause, momentarily stopping Olivia's narrative. Fuck. Had they really been that reckless? Elliot closed his eyes trying to remember. He couldn't believe that Olivia had been able to tell all of this to Liz Olivet and in great detail. He could almost see her during her session. He could hear the passion, the lust, the anguish in her voice. She must have really needed to finally tell someone their story.

He heard the voice of Liz Olivet on the cd next as she asked, "Olivia, did you even question your actions then? Why him? Why Elliot? He was married. You could have had any man, why Elliot? This is only year 3 and yet…why?"

He heard Olivia sigh on the cd and for a moment there was just a white noise. He could tell that Liz wasn't pushing her. Finally after a few minutes, Olivia began to speak once more.

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I don't know why it was only him who could make me feel better. You're right. I could have had any man. God knows, not to brag but I've had lots of guys ask me out over the years. But for some reason, none of them ever met my standards.

And I know what you're gonna say. You're gonna say that the reason for that is because Elliot was always there. And now thirteen years later I could probably say that you're on the money with that. Honestly I think it's the reason I was able to let David Haden go so easily.

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David Haden? Who the fuck was David Haden?

For a minute, Elliot paused the cd, wracking his brain if he knew who that was. But then he realized he didn't.

Though it bothered him, he decided to shelve worrying about this David for now. For now, he had to finish listening to these cds. He pressed play again and listened once more.

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But back then, three years in, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that. Heck. I don't think it even occurred to me. Or maybe I didn't want to even to start thinking that way.

To continue with the story, yes, we did get together that night and for the next two days. By the time we finished our shift, we were feeling antsy and not more than a little horny. I could see it by the way he looked at me. He wanted me now. And God knows I wanted him.

Thankfully by the time the end of our day rolled in, nothing came up and we were able to get out of the precinct without any hardships.

We took a cab to my Upper West Side apartment again. During that cab ride, we barely spoke. We were on opposite sides of the back seat and we didn't dare touch. We didn't because we knew the moment that we did, we would be all over each other.

So we waited as patiently as we could. Finally after battling the endless Manhattan traffic we made it to my apartment. The moment we were inside that door, we jumped on each other.

Literally, we tore off our clothes off of each other and by that time I didn't know who was leading who anymore.

Whereas the last time we did this, our experience was intimate, tender and gentle, this time around it was the complete opposite. Tonight and well into the dawn hours, we let our rage lead us. We were angry. Angry at each other. Angry at ourselves. Angry at everything we saw in our jobs. We were angry at the limited things that we could do to make things right for the victims we encounter every day. We were angry at the things we couldn't, wouldn't and weren't allowed to do.

Though we didn't get so rough that we actually hurt each other, I think it was the first time that I had ever had sex with anyone where I ended up with bruises. Though not deliberately and intentionally, the rage that had bubbled to the surface made us rough with each other. There was no gentleness this time. No tenderness.

Elliot pummeled me, rammed me and thrust hard while he was inside me and I enjoyed every minute of it. I bit him, scratched him, slapped him and he took it all. During that night, the pain we inflicted on each other was our pleasure. We liked it. We loved it. And though we knew we would never repeat it again, we reveled in it.

By the time we woke up the next morning however, the rage had drained out of us. And in the morning light, I could see I had bruises on the back of my thighs from being propped against my dresser while Elliot pummeled me. In the light, I could see the scratches I had given him running down his back, bright pink.

I could see Elliot stirring and I softly touched one of the wounds I had inflicted on him. He flinched and then turned towards me. "I'm sorry." I told him when his gaze rested on mine.

"It's okay, Liv." His words were soft and hoarse from sleep.

"I'm full of bruises too." I laughed ruefully, showing him the back of my thighs.

"Oh shit, Liv. I'm sorry." Elliot apologized, looking distressed that he had caused them.

"El, it's fine. Last night was something else. There was a lot of anger in us."

"I know. But still I'm sorry." Elliot said, looking regretful. "I didn't mean it…"

"I know…don't worry, I'm fine. I'm sorry too. I mean shit, your back is scratched up to say the least." I told him. "What if…"

He stopped my thought then. He knew so well by then. He knew what I was thinking and he knew who I was thinking about. "Don't think about it."

I nodded, glad for a reprieve. But nevertheless, for a second, I felt guilty. Once again, he was lying and cheating on his wife. And because of me. I knew that for the second year in a row, I was the one who asked. I was the one who led him to this. But then I knew it took two to tango. He didn't have to say yes. Not that I would have known how I would have felt if he had said no. But in my gut, I knew he'd never say no. At that point I didn't even want to think why he wouldn't say no. I didn't want to think why I thought he'd say yes to me all the time.

He reached out for me, pulling me down into his arms and whispered, "Don't think about it, Liv. Don't think about her. Don't think about the bruises and the anger from last night."

I nodded in his arms, but didn't look at him. "I'm sorry, El. I…I feel like I'm bad for you."

"Why?" Elliot asked.

I finally looked up at him and sighing, I replied, "Because you're married and once a year, you cheat on your wife because of me."

"That's not true and you know it." Elliot told me firmly.

I nodded again. "I know but still…I feel like I'm doing you wrong."

"Liv…you're not. Okay. I want this as much as you. We agreed that first year. But if you can't do this…then just let me know. No hard feelings. I was the one who asked you for this in the first place. I was the selfish bastard who came up with this idea."

"Yes, that's true. But I didn't have to say yes."

"No, you didn't. But why did you?"

"Because…" My voice trailed off. I could swear I felt tears behind my eyes. But I took a deep breath and composed myself. "Because I need it to survive you too…"

Elliot gave a small moan and at that moment I think he understood. We both understood. That's all we were willing to admit to right then.

That second day was so different from the night before. I think we practically stayed in bed the entire day. We did remember to eat – we ordered from my favorite Chinese place and then later on in a pizza place that we both loved. But aside from that, we made love the entire day. This time our actions were far from the way we were the night before. This time our actions were gentle, loving, tender almost poignant at times.

But it wasn't the making love part that second day of our third year that I remember the most. What I remember the most was how it felt to be in his arms. How I felt safe, comforted, taken care of. For the first time in my life I think I finally didn't feel alone.

When we finally fell asleep that second night wrapped in nothing but each other's arms, a traitorous thought wormed its way into my mind. For the first time since that first night we thought of each other as Chris and Grace, I wished that Elliot wasn't married. I wished that he didn't have to leave me in the morning. I wished that instead of partners at work, we were just partners. But of course that wasn't the case. He was married. And except for our trysts once a year, he was strictly faithful to Kathy.

Does that make you sleep better, Liv thinking that? Who are you kidding? You guys are in deep shit.

I closed my eyes trying to shut that voice. I couldn't think that way. I wouldn't think that way. I would not be so cliché as to fall in love with my best friend. I won't let that happen.

Elliot felt me stir and he tightened his arms around me. Finally, I was too exhausted and I decided not to think anymore. It was better that way after all.

I fell asleep then. The next thing I knew it was morning. I woke up before him. I dreaded the minute he woke up because I knew then he'd be saying goodbye. But in a way I was relieved too. Though I felt better now, I was also emotionally drained. The emotions we had released on each other were so much that I couldn't help but feel tired.

I expected that he'd be out the door the moment he woke up. But I was wrong. He lingered. We were still able to have breakfast courtesy of the bagel place around the corner – delivery again of course. Then Elliot made love to me again one last time. It was only after that he left. I loved that he had loved me one more time before we had to become the dynamic duo again. However, because he did, it left me wanting more. And for now, there could be none.

That was the third year. The fourth year would bring more for us. But that's for another session and another time.

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The cd came to an end and Elliot didn't realize until then that he had been crying. He remembered everything Olivia had said in that cd. He remembered their rage, their passion. His cock twitched even now remembering the way they had made love then.

For the first time in a long time, he let himself think of her. Really think of her. Where was she? Was she okay? Who sent him the cds?

Suddenly, he needed to know the answers. He grabbed his cell phone and dialed her number. He tried three times. Every time it just went to voicemail.

Something told him that something was not right. Someone left those cds for a reason. It was almost like someone was trying to remind him of her and maybe also tell him she needed him now. But he had not been in touch with anyone since he left.

He buried his face in his hands again, feeling helpless. What was he supposed to do? He thought hard and then finally he came to a decision. He was going to finish listening to everything and once he had done that, he was going to find Olivia. Somehow he knew he needed to.

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TBC…

Whoa! Who sent Elliot the box? What was he going to do? Is he finally going to find Olivia?

Up next as well, we get to the fourth year of their partnership. What happens? Do they continue? Do they decide to stop? Find out next!

In the meantime, please do review! It only takes a minute of your time and it totally makes my day. And because it makes my day, it speeds up the updating process. Lol. Thanks in advance. Review here and on Twitter: Jo_Bautista