Chapter 4: Confided Confessions

I don't understand it. I didn't do anything wrong. At least the way I see it. Actually if anybody saw it the way I did, they would probably agree with me. It wasn't my fault that he left, went away every year and only be with me for a summer fling. Here one summer, gone for the rest of the seasons, and coming back again only to leave again. Plus I'm sure he was getting laid left and right every second of his stay in Boston. I may not have gone to college, but I know how a slut's mind works. Not because I am one, because of all those movies. Damn college movies.

And it isn't my fault that Jesse came into my life. He was there, saw me, smiled at me, and wouldn't leave me alone. I got to admit; at first it was very annoying. Like he was always there, like if he was stalking me. He waited for me to be at the library and then would go everywhere I went. I would do anything to try to scare him away, I would give him wedgies, yell at him like I was possessed, even hurt him and his pretty little know-it-all face of his. But after a while (two black eyes and a bruised shin), he still stuck around, and so I gave up and allowed him to follow me, as scary as that was. Finally came the time (around two weeks I think?) it wasn't weird, and I even started talking to him. I figured since I couldn't scare him away with my fists, he might be someone worth talking to. From talking, came conversations that would last until three in the morning. Those conversations became meeting each other to just see each other. From seeing each other, came something more. He uncovered me and raised me toward the moonlight, seeing me sparkle like a valuable jewel. And I saw him as a rough pewter stone, meaningless to everyone except for me. And just like that, I couldn't see straight. I couldn't think reasonably (not that I ever did). And every time I inhaled, my breath would get caught in my throat, just by the mere sight of him. Before him, I would think there is no such thing as love at first sight, that girls that fell head over heels for a guy was pathetic. I just never thought I would I would be in the same boat as them. No it wasn't love that I was feeling, or else I would have already told him that I wanted a Vegas wedding by now. It wasn't love, that much was sure, but there was something about him that was so addicting. And I hated that I did not know what it was so I could uncover it and go on with my journey. I was like a girl stuck in quicksand, being slowly sucked into him and who he was.

That's what I was trying so hard to get Carly to see that at least. I wanted to show her that there was someone in my life that understood me. That he was standing in the same crossroad that i did once in my life, and how he took the same road I did. Yeah, I guess bringing Jesse with me to the airport was a bad move, especially since he just got back from Boston, expecting me to still be waiting. But like I said, it wasn't my fault. I wanted him to know who he was, because I felt as though there could be a friendship, on the basis that they were so alike. But it was a very wrong move.

I was glad that Carly agreed to meet me after a few weeks of giving me the silent treatment. Jesse just didn't understand why I wasn't talking to her. I didn't want him to know that he was the knife that cut right through our friendship. Because it wasn't his entire fault I was just as guilty, because that's what she was making me feel, not because I felt it.

We decided on meeting at the Groovie Smoothie, and I even went out of my way to offer to pay. That was the only way to show her that I really wanted to talk to her about everything that was going on between us all. I already had her favorite smoothie and mine when she came in and saw me. She made her way through the crowd and sat down, all in one swift movement. She took the smoothie but didn't put her lips to it; she just twirled the straw with her fingers, playing with it. I guess that was my cue for me to start with my explanation.

"Thanks for coming," I began, suddenly sounding like I was in a business meeting. Gag.

"Let's start with how you guys met I guess." She suggested.

So I began, telling her how I came to first lay eyes on him, how I caused him serious physical harm than any other guy, how he took it, and how everything just felt right. "I'm happy Carls" was what I ended with. Happiness could always be what tugged at her heart, no matter how bad of a person I have been. She may know me inside out, but she forgets that I know her just as well.

"…What I can't understand Sam is how did you and Freddie-"

"What me and Freddie had was nothing to what me and Jesse have." I quickly spoke. Right now I was talking to her about this mess. About us and our friendship. He had nothing to do with it. The less we mentioned him the more I could put at ease this little ache that was forming in my gut, slowly creeping it's way up my heart and ready to burst out of my chest.

"Then why all these summers? And why keep it a secret? You told me that you liked him."

"Liked. Not loved." I said, not looking at her eyes, even though I knew that she was looking at me to discover some truth.

"…You love Jesse?" she asked.

I let that question hang in the air, seeing which way it would fly to. "…No" I admitted. "I just met the guy. But he gets me. He understands me and relates to me in ways that I only wish you could begin to understand. And I think that's why I grew to like him as much as I did." I confessed. "What I take out in anger he takes in laughing at the world. His dad left when he was young and his mom is never really there, kind of like mine. He goes to a community college here in Seattle. He just wanted to work with making videos like a producer. And he loves food almost as much as I do." So many thoughts about Jesse and his qualities were clouding my mind that I felt as though I was speaking gibberish instead of making sense. But I'm sure Carly was understanding, which was more than I could say for other people. After finally taking a sip of her smoothie did she talk to me again.

"So you really like the guy."

The small smile that I felt forming on my face made it evident that I indeed did.

"What are you going to do about Freddie? Not a good impression you gave him back that the airport you know." Again with him? And again with the gut feeling?

"I'm going to give him some more time. I'll admit it wasn't the best time, but I wanted him to know that this is where we stand now. And what we had before was just something to hold us by until something better came along." I lied through gritted teeth. As I spoke that sentence I felt that little thorn twisting inside my gut again. But I had to show my indifference, or else face another scolding. Carly caught on quick though like she always did.

"So basically you're saying that you don't like Freddie anymore."

Before I could even respond I saw my phone blink. Jesse was calling. He saved me from lying again. I picked it up and asked what he wanted.

"Just wanted to know where you were." He said.

"I'll call you back when I am not busy Jesse." I said flipping the phone off. We still had something to talk about. Where I stand when it came to…Freddie.

I didn't want to say that I did not like him any more, because I knew that no matter how good of a liar I was, I could not lie well enough to Carly to convince her that I felt nothing for him any more. But I didn't know how to explain what he meant to me at the moment, and even before. In comparison to Jesse, Freddie was someone dear to me, but who I would rather value more as a friend. At least that's what I like to myself after I met Jesse. I can't hold two men in my heart, that would make me no better than whores with indecisions in their minds. I hate myself enough for being a fool, the last thing I wanted was to be and indecisive one.

"Fuck Carls…I don't know." I answered as honestly as I could. It was true. I thought I really wanted Freddie, and Jesse came and everything went to hell for me. Now I was just confused with more than what I was given, and what I should do with it. "I really don't know."

"Well, I agree with you when you said that you should give each other space. Who knows? They might get along." Carly gave me a reassuring nod.

"Thanks." That was it. I had my best friend again. Just like that. I had her again. I guess she saw what I was feeling. Happy but deep down really crappy without her. And someone else that still was not in a forgiving mood. But for the moment she was enough for me. Giving him a little more time will probably bring him back. That's all I can really hope for at the moment. Time. Time and more Smoothies.

I don't even know where to begin.

It's been weeks since what happened at the airport. And even longer since I spoke to her. Ever since I saw Sam at the airport, I found it hard getting out of bed. I hardly ate, and only got up when my mom needed to spray me or when I needed to go to the bathroom. I thought everything was going right and just like a minute later I found out everything was for shit.

I just didn't get it. It's like this guy came out of nowhere. Looks nothing like me, but sure acts like me. How did that make any sense? How can I make sense of anything that is going on in my life right now?

And Carly wasn't making it any better. I wanted to stay and mope in my bed but she never lets me. It was every day that she would come in and my mom would bring her inside. The woman who hated her for making me like girls was now ushering her in my room so we could talk. It was pretty pointless, considering I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it. Not her, and not even Spencer. I just can't see how anyone at the moment right at this point in my life can understand this pain that was tearing me inside out. If I could have this type of pain or being run over by a car, I would take the car ten times over. Again, and Again.

As I wallowed in my severe depression, Carly sneaked inside my room. She knew that I would be here, in bed, my pajamas still the same from three weeks ago. She knew that it had to do with Sam, that this was her doing. I know that I let everything out in the open the minute I asked her about Sam's new beau. God, its hard trying not to throw up whenever I think of her with another guy that isn't me. Everything about that day made me feel like I was unwell. Like I was forever inadequate in everything I did. And Carly saw the exact moment, that if she carried a camera with her, she would have been able to see my facial expressions change with such a quickness that she would have to slow it down to see the moment when I felt my world come apart. Because the look on my face when I saw her and Jesse together made it all too obvious to anyone but Sam. She was too much in love to have someone go and ruin it. Even if I was the one that wanted to do just that.

"Hey." She casually walked in. I didn't even turn to face her. I knew she was coming over to come check up on me.

"Hey…" I answered, assuring her I was not dead, even though I felt like dying. God, when did I turn into such an emo kid?

"Just came from the Groovie Smoothie… with Sam." She told me. I could feel my heart thud hard when Sam's name was mentioned. There, I just felt it again. "You want to know what she said?"

"I think I can take a wild guess. Girl meets boy because the other boy just took off to study and girl falls in love with the boy while the other boy that's off studying never knows about it until he sees her with HIS arms around her waist." I spat out, with every inch of malice I could produce. All because I left she met him. All because of me and what I wanted. She couldn't possibly think that I was doing anything but working hard to have her back in my arms again. Knowing her, she was the victim in this whole fiasco.

"They met in a library and he just kept looking for her." Carly admitted. She began recollecting everything that she could remember that Sam told her. I listened to half and the rest I really could not give a shit for. "She said that she clicked and connected with him on a basis that neither of us could relate with her. Which makes sense because they both come from broken homes. We don't really understand that because in the end, motherless or fatherless there was that other person that cared for us. And that's what Sam feels with him."

"She should have felt that with us."

"She does, but at the same time she can't." Carly concludes.

"I guess you should tell me to be happy for them." I sarcastically replied, lifting myself up from the bed sheets. Me being happy for her when she's with someone else. I would laugh my head off if I were a crazy person right now at that thought.

"No." She said. I turned to her, and saw as she walked over to me, sitting down beside me and placed her hands over me shoulders. "You should tell yourself that. Our best friend is happy, why ruin it?" I look at her, who looked at me with sympathetic eyes. Why ruin it? Why not? She ruined me. She is ruining me with everything that she is doing right now. But I can see her sympathetic eyes that she must have thrown at Carly. She must have told her to try and bring me back, to how things were before. But how can we ever go back to the way that we were before, when I know her smell? When I know her taste? When I drive myself crazy with just remembering how she looked after they woke up together? So serene but incandescently happy?

"How have they been together for so long without Sam telling me anything!" I had to know; if any question was to be answered it was that one more than anything. I didn't care what he was like, that he wanted to become a producer, that he loved ribs as much as she did. She can keep all that shit to herself. I wanted to know what it meant for us.

"…She said it was because she didn't want you to get any pressure, of any kind. She wanted you to be comfortable in your final year. Jesse told her that Boston is really demanding and that your major was really challenging. So she decided to give you time for yourself." She said. My face remained unchanged, because I realized it wasn't her decision that she stopped talking to me. It was that guy. That prick was convincing Sam that I could not be disturbed. He was pulling her toward him and away from me.

"That's great news I guess. So what was her excuse to bringing him to the airport?" Was it to flaunt the fact that she if she wanted others in her life she could get them? To spark my jealousy? What? What? WHAT? I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that question. What was the point for her to bring him when she was coming to see me?

"She wanted to clarify where you two stand." I looked at her with a puzzled look. Where we stand? What does that mean? Last time we stood was within each other's company, when I was pressing my lips against hers. Did she mean to say where we could stand? As in if I would consider her as a friend again? Carly saw that I was confused and just sighed.

"Freddie, I think you two should talk about it." Carly suggested. I shook my head. Not now. I don't think we can ever talk about this. For one, I would want to rip off that guy's head off like Duke did in Galaxy Wars. And with her, I would just want to hold her to me, no matter what she did. If she kicked me, punched me, it would all be worth it. I would have her in my arms, like I did so long ago. No. This is where we stand now. Forever apart from each other. I just couldn't see her. She wanted to set the bar, I was too much of a coward to even try to jump it.

"Like you said. Why ruin it?" he asked her. Carly just shook her head. She looked at me, seeing that one of her best friends was internally fighting a feeling that she could never really understand: Loving someone that was never theirs to begin with. She was always chased. By Griffin, me, and several others. If she ever loved someone like I loved Sam, then maybe she could understand this whole thing that she thinks I'll be over in time.

I want time to come and go already.

A/N: Okay, well thanks to some reviews that I got for the last chapter, I wanted to give another POV. I wanted to have Sam give her outlook on this whole situation. And it is hard, I am trying really hard to not have her as a villainous person. I like to think of her more along the lines of a really confused girl. Who is just as stubborn as she is lethal. So hopefully this cleared up any feelings of any sort toward Sam and gave a better insight as to how she feels and who she is. Until next time. :)