To: All Lord Of the Rings Fanfiction Writers and their Governments
We appreciate your prompt response to our last message, and also appreciate your concern for the persons referred to therein as "bad fanfiction writers." As your primary concern was a clarification of the phraseology "as is necessary," we shall provide one.
The measures that will be taken shall involve nothing more onerous than an education in the history and cultures of Middle-Earth, as well as seminars with canon characters concerning their various traits, lasting for a subjective time of two semesters, during which time they will be under the protection of the King. At the end of this time, the person will be returned to your world, within which there will have been a passage of time of around five seconds. After this, should they write and post further bad fanfiction, we will come in the night, log on to their computer, and destroy their work. Further offenses will result in more severe punishment, such as being forced to clean up the stables of Edoras with a spoon. We would like to point out that, should they yet desire to write fanfiction including the unfortunate matters mentioned in our first two missives, they may write such things at their leisure, so long as they are not placed in view of the public, for such do not affect us or our world.
Should you be curious as to whether we are able to handle the incursion of fanfiction writers, we would like to point out that Elves and Men and Dwarves are united in this matter, and there is much space for housing in Eriador.
We would like to thank the nation of New Zealand, which, despite not being mentioned as one of the nations whose approval we needed, did vote us their support in this endeavor.
Should there be any persons who believe we have reneged on our promise to rectify the pairings we put many of your leading political figures in, we have not yet received a letter declaring that you accept our terms.
Also, we are attaching a deadline of two weeks before the next story that has been written is released to the people of Middle-Earth. We are not altogether sure what was in it, but we do know that it involves several very small polities with names like "Monaco" and "Liechtenstein" taking over your world, as well as a certain musician whose name we will not speak becoming President of the United States. Beyond that, only the scribe who wrote it down knows, but given that he said that those were two of things in his tale that made the most sense, we believe it would be in your best interests to reply in the affirmative within two weeks' time.
Respectfully,
The Lord of the Rings Character Association