Disclaimers: 'Castle' belongs to Andrew W. Marlowe. The only credit I'm taking is for how often I can make Kate and Rick cry in the next few chapters. Hey, I'm not known as 'The Queen of Angst' around my house for nothing.

Summary: As Kate begins to deal with the ramifications of the miscarriage, the wall starts coming back up as she starts to take some of her anger out on Castle.

A/N: In my other fan fiction universe that I write about, my female character is flawed, but only because I've made her that way by giving her a past. By watching 'Castle' reruns over and over, I've learned that Kate Beckett is flawed on her own. I don't have to create any new flaws for her. All I have to do is explore her past.

Chapter 4: Coping with the Loss

Jim Beckett was sound asleep in a hard chair in the guest room of Rick Castle's Hamptons home at his only child's bedside. He'd received Castle's call the previous afternoon and had been devastated by the news that he was given.

"Jim, its Rick Castle."

Jim couldn't help but notice that Castle didn't sound like his normal cheerful, jovial self. "Rick, is something wrong?"

"Jim, it's Kate," Castle cleared his throat. "She's had a miscarriage."

"Is she okay?"

"She will be. I just brought her back to the house. She's asking for you."

"Tell her that I'll be there as soon as I can. Are you sure that she's all right?"

"She just wants her dad. That's what she told me."

When he arrived at the house at dark, Rick showed her into the guest room where she was still sleeping. "The bed was a mess," he explained when Jim asked why Kate was in the guest room. "Alexis and I cleaned up, but I didn't want to move her again."

"How long has she been asleep?"

"Since I brought her home. They gave her a sedative at the hospital. Let me know if she wakes up and needs anything," Castle left the room to leave his future father-in-law alone with his daughter.

Kate woke up, disoriented as she tried to adjust to the darkness. She could see a figure sitting in a chair by the bed. But where was she? This wasn't the bed in the master bedroom. That's when everything came rushing back. The pain and the blood and screaming for Castle. At first she thought that the figure by her bed was Castle, but then she realized that it was her father. Castle had called him for her. "Dad?" She whispered in the darkness.

Jim jerked his head at the sound of Kate's whisper. "Katie Bug, you're awake," he smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Do you need anything?"

"Uh, yeah. Water," her throat felt as if she'd been crossing the Mojave.

"I'll be right back," he left the room, returning moments later with a bottle of cold water.

"Where's Castle?"

"He's out there asleep on the sofa. He wanted to be nearby in case you needed anything."

She opened the bottle and downed half of the contents, the water feeling wonderful on her parched throat. "What time is it?"

"Almost three in the morning."

"How did this happen? How did it go so wrong?" She gazed at her father as two huge tears rolled slowly down her face.

"I don't know, bug. I don't think that anybody does. It happened to your mother, too."

"Really? When?"

"You were four going on five. You were too young to understand, so we never told you. Everything seemed fine one minute and the next, it just wasn't. I remember that the doctor told us that sometimes these things just happen. I know that's not much comfort. It wasn't for us at the time, either."

"How do I face him? How do I let Castle know how sorry I am that this happened?"

"Katie, first of all, this wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. The last thing that man in the other room is going to do is blame you."

"I was feeling bad when we arrived Wednesday night. When we walked into the house, I got so dizzy. I had to grab his arm to keep from falling over. I should've said something then."

"Katie, this wasn't your fault," he repeated.

"Why am I sleeping in here?"

"Rick said that he brought you in here after you came home. He said that the room was –"

"A mess," she finished his sentence. "I've never seen so much blood come out of me in my life," she began sobbing again.

"Katie, why don't you lie down and try to get some more rest? I'll stay right here if you need me."

He helped her get settled under the covers once again as she eventually cried herself to sleep. After seeing that she was once again sleeping, he stepped out of the room. He went into the kitchen to get some water. When he closed the refrigerator door, he saw that Rick was sitting on the edge of the sofa, rubbing his weary face in his hands. "What time is it?" He asked.

"Three o'clock. Katie was awake, but now she's gone back to sleep," Jim walked into the living room and sat in an armchair.

"How is she?" Rick asked.

"She's understandably very upset. She's worried about how she's going to face you."

"Why is she worried about facing me?" Rick was confused. "What happened wasn't her fault. I don't think she could've been more careful if she'd tried."

"Katie has a hard time when things happen for no reason," Jim sighed. "When we came home that night to find that detective on our doorstep, he told us that Johanna was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Katie couldn't accept that. In the first 19 years of her life, things always happened for a reason. Her mother's murder defied logic. I thank you for helping her to discover the truth."

"She deserved to know the truth," Rick said.

"What I'm trying to tell you, Rick, is she's going to have a rough time. I know that you've stood by her side through the stuff that happened after she got shot. The only difference this time is you're going to need her, too."

"I'm okay," he forced a smile.

"You might think that you are, but trust me when I tell you that you're going to need a shoulder to cry on, also. Why don't you go in there and lay down with her while I sleep out here? I think she'd want you to be with her."

Castle padded into the guest room on bare feet and watched Kate as she slept. Normally, she'd wake up and tell him that he was being creepy. But, still being under the influence of the sedative she'd been given, she didn't stir. He walked over to the other side of the queen-sized bed and turned down the covers as he got in beside her. She rolled toward him as if sensing that he'd gotten into bed with her. "Castle," she breathed as she moved into his body as he slipped his arms around her. "Thank you for calling my dad."

He didn't say anything as he held her, once again blinking back the tears that threatened to flow once again. He wondered when this woman that he loved so much was ever going to catch a break and get the happiness that she deserved.

***CCC***

When Kate woke up again, the sun was shining brightly through the window. She was alone in bed, but she could hear voices outside of the bedroom door. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed as she slowly got to her feet. Her abdomen and pelvic regions felt sore, but other than that, she felt okay. Well, except for the incredible emptiness that she now felt. She took a deep breath to keep from crying again before going out to join everybody in the other room.

Everybody was sitting around the dining table when Castle heard the sound of the bedroom door opening down the short hallway. Craning his neck, he smiled when he saw Kate coming down the hallway. "Katherine, are you sure that you should be up? Why don't you stay in bed and take it easy?" Martha came up to her.

"I'm okay, Martha. Morning, dad," she kissed her father as she walked into the kitchen, eying the coffee pot enviously. At least she could have her beloved coffee again. Then she immediately felt guilty for feeling that way.

Her eyes met Castle's from across the counter. She didn't know what she was supposed to say to him, to any of them. What was the correct protocol after losing a baby? Her hands shook as she took down a coffee cup and prepared to pour coffee into it. Seeing that her hands were shaking, Castle came into the kitchen and took the pot from her. "Go sit down. I've got this," he told her as she nodded gratefully.

"Kate, are you okay?" Alexis asked as Kate sat down at the table.

Kate clenched her hands into fists as she looked across the table at the young red-head. She wondered how long she was going to have to put up with people asking her that. Finally relaxing her fists, she smiled at Castle's daughter, a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "I'm not perfect, Alexis, but I will be."

"Kate, I'm so—"

"Please don't say it," Kate whispered as Castle brought her cup of coffee to her. "Thank you, Castle."

"Katie, why don't you and I take a walk on the beach after you've had your coffee?" Her father suggested as Kate started to balk at the idea. "Please? Humor your old man. We won't go far."

As they walked on the beach, Jim slipped his arm across Kate's shoulders. "How long are you staying?"

"I need to head back to the city tomorrow afternoon."

"Me, too," she sighed. "I have to go back to work Monday morning."

"Katie, why don't you give yourself a few days? I'm sure that your captain will understand."

"I never told her."

"Katie, they're hurting too," he said, referring to Castle and his family. "I think that Rick's taking it especially hard."

"I just didn't want to hear Alexis telling me how sorry she is. I don't know if I can bear that again, dad."

"Again?"

"First, after mom died and then after I got shot. I don't know if I can deal with that again."

"Then, you know what you have to do when you get back home to help you deal with it. But Kate, please take time out to listen to Rick. He might not always verbalize what he's feeling, but you know him. You know what to look for. Be there for him, too."

"I will," she leaned into her dad's shoulder as they walked down the beach.

When they got back to the house, Kate made two calls from her cell. First she called Dr. Caldwell's answering service to set up an appointment for the next week and then she took a deep breath as she called Dr. Burke's emergency number. He agreed to fit her in on Wednesday afternoon. She then went out onto the back patio where Castle was lying in one of the lounge chairs, where they'd enjoyed fireworks just two days before. Was that the last time that they'd been truly happy?

He looked toward the sliding glass doors when he heard them opening, smiling when he saw that it was Kate. "Hi," he said as she walked over and sat in the chair next to him. "Did you want to talk?"

"I don't even know where to start," her eyes glistened with tears. "Castle, I'm so fucked up right now!"

"What're you talking about?" He swung his legs over the side of the lounge chair so that he was facing her.

She ran her hands through her long tangled hair before tucking it behind her ears as she took a deep breath. "You were so happy when I told you about the baby. It's like I took a picture of your face in my mind so that I could bring it up whenever I wanted to. I feel like I yanked the rug right out from under your feet."

"Kate, we're going to get through this. Maybe we can try again after the wedding. We can plan it all out this time so that there are no surprises."

"Castle, I just need some time. Right now I feel like I've taken two steps back in my recovery. Maybe I lost the baby because my heart wasn't strong enough."

"Kate, the cardiologist that you saw after the shooting told you that you've made a full recovery."

"But maybe he was wrong," her voice rose as she got up and began to walk around the patio. "There has to be a reason why this happened."

"Kate," he stood up and approached her, "sometimes things happen that none of us can understand. I know that you want there to be a reason and so do I, but we might have to just accept the fact that this time there isn't a reason."

"There's always a reason," she looked at him with her eyes set hard. "I refuse to accept the fact that this happened for no reason."

He longed to go up and hold her against him, but he knew that wasn't what she wanted right now. Right now he knew that she was angry and while she had every right to be, he was also hurting. He just wanted them to sit down and express what they were feeling. They'd finally started doing that after his original proposal and her job offer. It had finally started putting them on the same page with one another. And it hadn't even taken locking them in a very small room as Lanie had suggested to get it accomplished. "I think I'm going to go and take a shower," she looked at him. "I still have blood . . . I'm going to go take a shower," she went back inside and closed the door behind her, leaving Castle by himself.

After a few minutes he got up and went into the house. He found himself wondering if he should call Lanie. After all, the medical examiner was Kate's closest friend and they shared everything. Alexis was in the kitchen fixing her some lunch when she looked at her dad, staring at his cell phone. "It works better if you actually bring up the person that you want to call," she joked, trying to lighten her father's mood.

"I was just wondering if maybe I should call Lanie," he wondered out loud.

"Daddy, I'm not so sure that's a great idea. While I'm sure that she'll tell Dr. Parrish and Detectives Esposito and Ryan, I'm not sure she wants to be overwhelmed by all of the sympathy right now."

"I guess you're right," he put his phone back in his pocket.

Going into the master bedroom, Kate stole a glance toward the bed, which was neatly made up. There was no evidence of the gore that had covered her side of the bed just the day before. Had it really only been one day? Going into the bathroom, she noticed that it was also clean and orderly. Had Castle called in a crime scene clean-up unit while she was asleep? She wouldn't put it past him. The number of favors that he'd been able to call in had astounded and infuriated her over the years. She remembered the very first case he'd consulted on he'd called the mayor's office and got their fingerprints moved to the front of the pack after she told him that they'd have to wait days for results. She learned that he had contacts and he wasn't afraid to use them if he needed to. "We got it all cleaned up," she heard Castle's voice behind her.

"I see that. I was just wondering if you'd called in a crime scene clean-up unit," she faced him as he gave her a small grin.

"No, it was just me and Alexis."

"Castle, I'm so sorry."

"Please stop apologizing," he walked toward her as he placed his hands gently on her arms.

Finally she let him enfold her in his arms as he held her against his chest. "I feel so empty," she sniffled as he held her so gently. "Not just my . . . my uterus, but my heart, too."

"Mine, too," he whispered into her hair. "Go and take your shower."

She stood under the warm spray of the shower as she scrubbed the blood from the insides of her legs. As she did, her own tears mixed with the water from the shower. After she'd rinsed off, she sank to the bottom of the shower and cried some more. She didn't stop crying until the water turned cold. She rose from the floor of the shower and shut off the water as she got out and grabbed a towel from the rack. She loved the bath towels that Castle used. They were huge and unbelievably fluffy. She felt comforted every time she dried herself off with one. She ran her hands through her hair and added some gel to it as she fluffed it out, letting it air dry, hoping that it would curl and not frizz in the salt air of the beach.

When she walked back downstairs, Alexis was sitting at the table eating her lunch. "Where's your dad?"

"I think he's in his office."

"Alexis, thank you."

"For what?" The young woman asked.

"Your dad told me that you helped him clean up—"

"Oh Kate, don't," Alexis gave her a shy smile. "I was glad to help. I know that I don't understand what you're feeling, but if you ever just want to talk, I'll be more than happy to listen."

"Thank you, Alexis," Kate turned and went in search of Castle.

As she stopped outside of his office door, she fully expected to hear the sound of Castle's fingers flying over his keyboard. That was a sound that she was used to. The sound that she heard instead was something that she wasn't used to hearing, especially from her fiancé. The sound of him sniffling. She peeked into the room and saw him sitting at his desk, with tears slowly rolling down his face. "Castle, I'm so sorry that I've broken your heart," she whispered. "I hope that you can forgive me."

Instead of going into the office, she turned and went back toward the dining room. "Did you find daddy?" Alexis asked.

"He's busy writing. I think that I'll let him get some work done."

"He's never minded when you've interrupted him before," Alexis reminded her.

Kate didn't have an answer for that as she walked over and sat down on the sofa. Thinking that maybe music would make her feel better; she got up and went upstairs, returning moments later with her phone and her ear buds. She sat back down on the sofa and plugged the ear buds jack into the phone before placing them in her ears and going to her iPod app on her phone. Tapping the 'random' button, she settled back and closed her eyes, trying to get lost in her music. But after a couple of songs, it was clear that it wasn't working. The only thing that might possibly make her feel slightly better was in that office down the hall and she wasn't sure how to talk to him.

"How are you feeling, kiddo?" She turned her head as Martha sat beside her on the sofa.

"Tired, empty, sad," she admitted as her voice broke.

"I'm not about to tell you that it's going to be all right, because I know that right now neither you nor Richard believes that," Martha pulled Kate against her shoulder as the young woman sobbed out her heartbreak.

"I don't know what to say to him," she sobbed.

"You're going to figure it out."

"Do you think so?" Kate sat up and wiped at her face.

"I know it. You two love each other too much not to figure it out."

Jim Beckett stopped at the bottom of the stairs, watching Kate with her future mother-in-law. Martha had promised him that she'd make sure that Kate had anything that she needed and at the moment a shoulder to cry on was exactly what she needed. He knew that there were just some things that a father couldn't offer.

Later that night, Castle was lying in bed waiting for Kate. "Have you called Gates about taking off another few days?" He called to her in the bathroom.

"No, I was thinking that I could go back into the city tomorrow like I originally planned."

"So, you're going to go back to work Monday morning?"

"That doctor at the hospital said there wasn't any reason why I couldn't," she turned off the bathroom light and walked to the bed. "Unlike you, Castle, I can't afford the luxury of staying out here all summer. I have to work for a living."

"And, you're implying that I don't work?" He was suddenly angry.

"That didn't come out the way that I intended. If you don't want to go back with me, I'll ride back with my father."

"Kate, you just had a miscarriage."

"I know that, Castle! I was there! The blood that was all over this bed and all over your bathroom floor came out of my body! There was so much blood in the toilet that it looked like I'd dumped a bucket of red paint into it! I'm sure that our baby was in that bloody mess . . ."

"Kate, stop!" He begged her.

"I'm angry, Castle! I want somebody to hurt as badly as I do!"

"Somebody does, Kate. I do," his voice cracked as his eyes filled with tears.

"He told me that I'd already had the miscarriage," she sat beside him on the bed. "Our baby was already gone when we got to the hospital."

He reached for her as she wrapped her arms around his neck, holding onto him as she had that day in the hospital. "I love you, Kate," his tears mixed with hers as they cried together. "If you want to go back to the city tomorrow and back to work, I'm not going to stop you. I'll go with you and be your partner, just like always. I just don't think it's one of your better ideas."

As he held her, Castle couldn't help but wonder if she was once again spiraling downhill as she had started to when she was trying to hide her PTSD from him and the boys. The only difference this time was he had a feeling that she was going to pull him down with her.

A/N #2: I'm going to include a crime scenario starting with the next chapter that will force Kate and Rick to have to deal with their grief in a very big way.