Why is it that some memories are crystal clear, whole conversations playing over in your head yet you cannot remember the last thing you said to him before he slid away into the darkness. You used to remember but now it's been so long and so much, or maybe so very little has happened since then and you didn't think to write it down so now it is lost and a part of you knows it doesn't really matter, that it might even be better this way, that you need to let go and you wonder how you ever went from a strong independent woman to this shell of a person that you are now, but the rest of you still prefers the pain, and the pain is all you have left, the pain and the baby that grows inside of you, the baby that you love so much that it hurts, but also the baby that scared him off, and so despite how much you love it you also can't help but resent it too because you were happy and now all you can do is sit and wait and wonder if your husband is thinking about you, or if he is even still alive.