Chapter Four;
I Can't Let You

I love how you kiss
I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make
My world go 'round
And I just wanted to say…
I'm sorry
- Sorry, Buckcherry

My lips were working furiously against the Draco's, putting up at least a bit of a fight for the dominance that I knew I'd never win. I liked it this way, with Draco ontop of me, his fingers wandering over my bare chest, leaving the skin tingling in their wake. My back arched up slightly into the touch, and my eyes fluttered closed. His soft lips moved off of mine, and I whined softly at the loss of contact, but he reconnected them moments later to my jaw line, trailing the kisses down to my neck, where he bit down, and I moaned, trying to keep quiet. I could feel him grinning against the flesh of my neck, sucking gently on the bitemarks he'd just left, and I tilted my head away, giving him more acess to the tender skin of my neck. My fingers clutched at the perfect blonde hair on his head, and I moaned quietly, his kisses moving down onto my collarbone, then to my chest, biting me again, leaving red teethmarks, perfect imprints of his perfect teeth that would fade away in minutes. He ran his tongue over the marks, and stopped, looking up at me with that devilish Draco Malfoy grin, before taking my nipple into his mouth, and tugging at it gently with his teeth.

Igasped and arched my back up into his touch, tugging gently at his hair, and threw my head back, whispering for more. More Draco. He climbed back up to reattach our lips, and my hands slid out from his hair, and under his shirt, exploring the Quidditch-toned chest, our kiss-swollen lips mashing against each other, my shirt already abandoned beside the bed. I tugged gently at his shirt, trying to get it over his head but he took one of his hands, keeping it pulled down.

"Nnnn," He mumbled into the kiss, shaking his head a little. I broke my lips apart from mine.

"But… I want…"

"No…" Draco whispered gently, trying to recapture my lips, I tilted my head away, and tugged at his shirt again. "Axel, no…" He repeated, keeping the stupid fabric pulled over his chest, the sleeves still covering his arms.

"You always get to see me shirtless-"

"Axel, no!" Draco hissed, pushing my hand away.

"Draco! It's not fair-" Before I really knew what was what, he'd brought his hand across my cheek, and I was scrambling, trying to get out from under him.

"Oh… oh my God… Axel, I'm sorry… I… I didn't…" He reached out to pull me back and I just scrambled off the bed, shaking my head.

"Don't… don't touch me, Draco…" I mumbled, my hands covering the angry, stinging red mark on my cheek.

"But… I didn't mean…"

"You didn't mean to slap me?" I spat, tumbling onto my own bed, glaring at him.

"No… I lost… I lost control… I can't let you… I can't let you see me shirtless." Draco offered in a mumble.

"Why!?" I cried, still glaring, "You always toss my shirts aside like I should even wear them, and then I'm not allowed to take yours off!"

"It's one of those things that you shouldn't ask about." Draco explained quietly, rubbing his left forearm again.

"Why not? We've been doing this now for three months, so why can't I ask ANYTHING about why I can't tell anyone that I'm seeing you?" I asked, the stinging in my cheek slowly fading away.

"Because, Axel! If my father heared about it-"
"Your father's in Azkaban, Draco!" I cut in. He winced. "…I… that was too far. I'm sorry." I muttered. Draco's father was an ass, but that didn't stop Draco from idolizing him.

"If… if my father found out… you'd be in big, big trouble, and we wouldn't be able to do this anymore, and… I just can't let you see." Draco offered quietly. "I didn't mean to slep you… I… it was a reflex… I'm so sorry…"

My eyes watered up, and I could still feel the angry mark on my face. "It hurts." I mumbled, pulling my knees up to my chest. It wasn't so much physical pain as emotional. Draco had slapped me.

"Axel… come here," Draco whispered, holding his arms out. I stared at him for a moment, lip quivering, before I got up, and shuffled over to his bed, and crawled into his lap. He pulled my hands away from my cheek to inspect it, and kissed the stinging spot gently. "I'm so sorry… it's… it's not too bad… it'll fade away in a few minutes…" He whispered in my ear before hugging me close, and I rested my head on his shoulder, biting my bottom lip so I wouldn't cry.

I'd never once expected Draco to slap me. Not the Draco I'd grown accustomed to being around, at least. And that's what hurt the most.

"I'm never going to hurt you again. I promise," He murmered in my ear, running his fingers through my hair, and rubbing his free hand over the smooth, pale skin of my back. I nodded, and wrapped my arms around his neck, clinging to him. He ran his hand over my back for a bit longer before he sighed quietly, "You're so skinny, Axel… I can feel the bones in your back… all of them."

"I can't help it," I whispered back, "I eat and eat, but my metabolism is so fast that it looks like I've been starving myself." I offered, shrugging a little. "You haven't been eating much lately, though."

"…I haven't been hungry." Draco mumbled quietly, "That's all." He added, kissing the top of my head.

That's where my first seed of doubt started. It wasn't that Draco wasn't eating much, he wasn't smiling much either, and he was always stressed, kind of on edge, and dark circles were forming under his eyes. I felt a bit useless, because when I asked, he always managed to convince me he was fine. But I wasn't going to keep taking it. If there was one thing I learned from being best friends with Jakeoby Smithson, it was don't take anyone's shit, get the truth.

"Draco… talk to me. You can confide in Myrtle, but not in your boyfriend? I can't be worse of a listener than she is…" I whisper.

"Talk? About what?" He asked, feigning innocence.

"Don't play stupid." I commanded gently. "You're not really eating, and you never smile and you're stressed and not sleeping properly…" I listed.

"I… I don't want you involved." Draco cut in.

"Involved in what?" I asked, lifting my head.

"Something stupid that I got into." Draco mumbled.

"Draco, are you in over your head in something? Maybe I can help…"

"No, Axel, you can't. If you stay out of it, you won't get hurt." Draco replied quickly.

"Well at least tell me what it is?" I begged.
"I can't." Draco whispered, shaking his head. The soothing feeling of his hand on my back dissapeared, and he gently pushed me off. "I can't…" He repeated, getting up from the bed.

"But… Draco… where are you going?" I asked gently, eyes watering up again.

"I have to take care of something." He mumbled, walking out of the dorm.

My lip quivered, and I slowly got up from the bed, not bothering with my shirt, and shuffled into Jakeoby's dorm, climbing into his bed. He looked away from his book, and his eyebrows furrowed.

"This isn't your dorm."

"I know." I whispered.

"Then why're you all weepy and curled up in my bed?" Jakeoby asked gently. Then he noticed the fading red mark. "And why's there a handprint on your cheek? And where's Dr- he?" He caught himself. He'd kept his promise of not telling anyone.

"I just got hurt, that's all." I mumbled, curling up against Jake, resting my head on his chest.

"By who?" He asked dangerously.

"Myself." I whispered, lip quivering.

"Did he slap you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"He didn't mean to." I offered, "But that's… not why I'm upset."

"Why're you upset, Axel?" Jake's voice was taking on that dangerous edge he got when he was angry.

"Draco won't tell me… he won't tell me what I want to know, or why he's not eating or sleeping, or why he's stressed…" I rambled, and he put a finger to my lips to silence me, and moved to get up. "No… no…" I grabbed his wrist, and pulled him back. "Don't go."

Jake sighed, but lay back down beside me, wrapping his arms around me in a hug.

I know. I'm pitiful. But I don't like emotional pain. Now I finally had someone to go to, and he wouldn't open up. But Jake would hold me, let me stay until I felt better. Draco… I was determined to find out what was up with him… but first I had to make the hurting go away. So I lay against Jake with my eyes closed, letting him read by keeping silent, sorting everything out in my head, letting my emotions calm down.

I heared one of Jake's roommates walk in, and he cleared his throat.

"Just helping a friend in need, bud."

"Good, because if you were gay, I'd make sure to never change my clothes infront of you again." The male laughed, and walked to his own bed. I heared the springs squeak when he sat down. Then the room was quiet again, and I was alone in my thoughts. Somewhere in the midst of calming myself down, I managed to fall asleep under Jake's blanket, using Jake as a giant human pillow. My sleep was dreamless, thank goodness for that, until the end, where I was in a giant tin of cola and someone was shaking me gently, calling my name.

Then I woke up.
And Jake was shaking me gently, calling my name.

"Axel… Axelllll… AXEL. Draco wants to see you in your dorm," Jake whispered, and I lifted my head slightly, a small yawn slipping past my lips.

"Draco?" I mumbled.

"Yeah, in your dorm." Jake elucidated, and I sat up, and stretched.

"What time is it?"

"Two AM. So go, I want to get back to sleep." Jake murmered, pushing me gently. I stood, and walked out of his dorm, back up to mine, sitting on my bed. Not Draco's, where Draco was waiting.

"I tried… and I couldn't sleep without you with me…" Draco whispered quietly, looking at me sadly.

"How hard did you try?" I mumbled.

"For two hours I've been trying… and I miss having you beside me." Draco replied quietly, both of us being careful not to wake the others. "When did you go snuggled with Jake?"

"When you left." I whispered, "I didn't want to be alone… and you don't want me involved."

Draco sighed quietly, and shook his head a little, "I didn't mean to sound mean, not at all… but it's dangerous…"

"Draco… save it." I mumbled, laying down in my bed, already missing having someone beside me.

Then I heard a faint sob coming from Draco's bed. I ignored it, figuring it was just a cough or something. Then I heared another. And then another. And the Draco broke out in hushed sobs, and I sat back up. "D-Draco…?"

I'd never seen Draco Malfoy cry before.

I stood, and shuffled to his bed, sitting down beside him. "Draco…" I whispered, wrapping my arms around him, "Don't cry… please…?" I crawled into his lap, and held him close, trying to comfort him.

"I don't know how it got this… this b-bad, Axel…" Draco whispered, burying his head in the nape of my neck. "I didn't… mean… I don't want… not anymore…" He sobbed against me, and, still shirtless, I could feel the warm tears on my skin. "Don't leave me… please…?" He whispered gently in my ear.

I shook my head, "I won't," I whispered right back. "I'll never leave you." I added, kissing him softly.

"Even if… even if I do tell you s-someday…?"

"Even if you do tell me." I whispered gently.

"Axel…"

"Yes, Draco?" I asked quietly, and he pulled away from me a little.

"I love you." He murmered, eyes shining with tears in the moonlight that shone through the gap in the curtains over the windows. My lip trembled, and I kissed him softly.

"I love you too, Draco… I love you so much."

A small smile, one of his real smiles, broke out over his lips, and lay down, pulling me with him, and slowly, together, we fell asleep. This time it was right. There were dreams… happy dreams. And this wasn't Jake. This was Draco.
My Draco.