Hi everyone!
Yes I know. I'm not dead, despite not updating this story for months. I'm so, so, so sorry about that. There's cute everlark moments in this chapter, so I hope you can forgive me.
Enjoy!
Fleur sits next to me on a pillow, while Kai flicks through the channels on the TV. I initially turned on the TV to fill the awkward silence that I didn't have the ability to fill. Peeta is usually the one to entertain our guests and make small talk.
Right now, he is upstairs attempting to make Fleur's crib. I continuously told him to make the crib yesterday, but he insisted that he would have enough time before the kids came. I was right. Throughout the morning before picking up the kids, Peeta ran around the house, fixing every little detail and making sure nothing could go wrong.
"So," I say during the commercial break. "Is it exciting for you to visit other districts?"
Kai shrugs his shoulders. "I guess so. We stopped going on vacations a few years ago…Annie told me that I always used to love visiting District 7."
"I've always wanted to visit District 7. Do you know Johanna?" He nods. "She always insisted that it was no trouble for her to visit us, so we never went over to 7," I say, realizing how much I miss her.
Johanna came to District 12 annually. It was always one of my favorite times of the year. She could always open me up, and had the ability to make Peeta and I laugh constantly. We'd grown to become sisters.
Her visits stopped a few years ago when she refused to leave her home. It came as a surprise to us that her mentality was declining. She was usually the type of person to never hold in how she felt. We talked every week, so hearing that she held in all these problems killed me.
I suggested traveling to District 12, despite my fears of traveling myself, but her doctor rejected the offer. He said I might trigger something painful. Although I knew he would probably say no, the pain of realizing that I'd only bring painful memories hit me like a train.
"You've never been to District 7? Not even once?" Kai asks.
Well, yes, I have. But at the time I wasn't focused on the beauty of the forests surrounding District 7. I was more focused on trying to not get my family killed.
"I went years ago, but only for a day or so. I didn't see much of it…"
Kai nods his head. The TV show comes back on, and I'm completely relieved. I haven't talked about the Victory Tour in years. Even discussing vague details hurt.
Fleur wiggles her body and hits my leg. I ignore her pleading for attention, but I can't help the annoyance after she hits my knee several times. "What do you want?" I say, turning to her.
She gurgles, a spit bubble forming in her mouth. It pops, making her laugh even more. I roll my eyes, but can't help the small smile forming on my lips.
We sit in silence until another commercial break appears, and Kai continues to ask dreaded questions. "Have you been to any other districts?"
I let out a deep breath and blink a few times to clear my blurry vision. It isn't unlike me to feel disconnected after reliving suppressed memories. "All of them."
"Wow. Even the Capitol?" he asks.
"Even the Capitol."
"I can't believe you got to go there. I've always wanted to go, but Annie refused. It seems fun." I can't help but feel annoyed with him.
He must know the struggles his mother has been through. He must know. I have an urge to tell him everything at that moment. How going to the Capitol was basically a death sentence, and how in no way was it fun. I suppress the urge for his sake and keep my mouth shut.
A strange, pungent odor enters my nose, making my face scrunch up. I look to the kitchen to see if Peeta slipped in and he was cooking some game, but he's nowhere to be found.
My eyes go wide with realization when I realize the child I'm holding isn't quite potty-trained. I look down at Fleur, who wears a concentrated and determined look.
"Um, I'll be back in a second," I say, leaving Kai alone in the living room.
I hold the seven month old child away from me under her armpits, almost gagging from the stench.
Peeta is standing in our room, reading the instruction manual for the crib. "I see that you've been using your time wisely," I say, staring at a pile of various pieces of wood and screws scattered around his feet.
He smirks and looks up from the booklet. "Despite the fact that you're holding her like she's a ticking bomb, I see she's in one piece. I knew she liked," he says, motioning to Fleur. Right on cue, she begins wailing. "I obviously spoke too soon."
I shake my head and reposition the crying baby. "She has a dirty diaper."
He quickly looks back down at the instruction manual. "That's your job right now. I'm breaking my brain trying to build this crib for her."
"What a hero," I say sarcastically. Fleur's tiny fist slams into my jaw, reminding me that she wants the dirty diaper off of her.
I lay her down on the changing table and stare at her for a few moments. She lets out a loud wail. "Why can't babies just internalize their emotions like the rest of us?"
Peeta chuckles. "Katniss, she's only been in the world for a few months. Can't really blame her."
"Watch me," I murmur under my breath. I roll my eyes instinctively in Peeta's general direction, and then focus on the task at hand.
Supplies galore stare me in the face, which reminds me that I have no clue what I'm doing. I review in my head what I have to do, but I can't focus knowing what I'll have to face.
I unbutton the bottom of her outfit quickly before she can kick my hand away in protest. I rip open the straps of the diaper.
The sight is ghastly, various colors and sizes of brown spread everywhere. I look away and gag several times. "This is disgusting," I say between retches.
"Katniss, you skin animals for a living."
I shoot him a disapproving glare. "I will not hesitate to throw this at you, Mellark." He laughs and continues to pretend to look and study the booklet. "Get over here and help me."
He drops the paper onto the bed and stands next to me, avoiding looking at the sight before him. "Just get it over with," I say.
He stares at it and gags several times, mimicking my actions.
"Let's just do this quickly," I say.
Neither of us moves for a few moments. We wait for the other to take charge. "I guess I'll start," Peeta says, reaching out to grab the dirty diaper. He hesitates, looking around at every part of the diaper to find a spot where there is no feces. He lifts up her legs, struggling to keep her still and grab the diaper at the same time.
I grab some wet wipes and have them at the ready. "The longer you stare at it the worse it gets. I'm right behind you. Just do it," I say in an attempt to boost his confidence.
He breathes in deeply, and then swipes the dirty diaper from beneath her. Apparently he's too quick for his own good, because before either of us can do anything, the dirty slips from his fingers and goes flying across the room.
We both freeze. "Shit," he says under his breath.
He runs over to the general direction. It doesn't take him long before he yells, "Found it! All the contents were safely secured on the trip over."
I let out a few giggles, wet wipes still in my hand. "Why did I get the gross job?" I protest.
He secures the diaper in a plastic bag, tying the ends tightly. "And having to take off the dirt diaper isn't bad?" he retorts.
I glare at him before returning my attention back to Fleur. I grasp her ankles and lift them up.
To avoid actually looking at her, I wipe in the general vicinity while Peeta guides, saying 'left' and 'right' as I wipe her clean.
After I'm done, he kicks open the trash can and we both dunk in the dirty contents.
I look around at the few remaining supplies in front of us. I pick up the baby powder, examining the directions for use.
I'm not sure if people actually use it. I always thought it was just a cliché. "Do we use this stuff?" I ask Peeta.
"I guess," he says unsurely. He takes the bottle from me and attempts to open it. Even after a few tries, the lid won't budge.
He places it on the changing table in front of us and asks me to hold it while he turns the top. His strength is too much for the bottle. All three of us are covered in white powder.
Peeta turns my face to his and uses his thumbs to swipe away the powder from my eyes. He smiles at me guiltily. I can't help but smile in response. He bends down and kisses my forehead.
Fleur stares at us in silence. I grab a new, clean diaper and hand it to Peeta.
He lifts up her legs and places the diaper underneath her. After strapping it into place, he sighs loudly and wipes his forehead. He looks at me, baby powder still covering his eyelashes and hair.
"We have to do that every time?" he asks.
XXX
"Would you like anymore, Kai?" Peeta asks formally.
Kai just shakes his head in response. He hasn't spoken a word at the dinner table.
"Done eating, Katniss?" he asks, about to take my plate.
"Yes. It was delicious as usual." He kisses the top of my head as he walks past.
"I can't take all the credit. Kai, did you know that Katniss hunts?" I shift in my seat, uncomfortable with being the center of the conversation, despite the fact that my audience is my husband, a teenager, and a baby.
He shakes his head and looks down at the table.
As Peeta takes out the tarts that he made, Kai stands up and says, "I'm pretty tired. Thank you for the dinner." And without another word, he leaves.
I give Peeta a look, but he just shrugs and says, "He's had a long day today." I nod in agreement and help clear up the kitchen.
I wipe down Fleur's high chair with a wet cloth. Somehow, she has made a mess bigger than all ours combined, despite the fact that all she can have is mushed food and milk.
She follows my hand with her eyes, watching my every move. She lights up every time my braid swings past her face.
Peeta walks up next to me. "Since your brother has gone to bed," Peeta says to Fleur, "I guess you should go to bed, too. How does that sound?" Fleur gurgles happily, her fat legs bouncing against the high chair. "I guess that means yes."
I follow him up the stairs and he places Fleur in the crib.
It took Peeta approximately two hours to put the crib together completely. He rejected any of my help, saying that he wanted to do it all on his own. He is like a child sometimes, always trying to prove to himself that he can do something all by himself.
I reach above the crib and turn on the spinning mobile. Dangling from it are all kinds of animals, dancing above her head.
She gazes up at them in amazement, watching every animal spin past her. The mobile hums quietly, relaxing Fleur.
Peeta is entrance by the baby, smiling every time she smiles and laughing every time she laughs. I watch him light up every time Fleur figures out something new.
Fleur's eyes begin to slowly close. We stand there for a few moments, watching the sleeping baby.
It amazes me how small she is. How she will become an adult just like the rest of us. I pity her actually. Right now, her life is all rainbows and happiness, but eventually she's going to be hit with the cold, hard truth.
Her mother was forced to fight to the death, and upon coming out alive, lost her sanity. She will have to deal with it like Kai had to, and at such a young age.
I remember the second time Annie visited us, Kai only two years.
We had taken extra precautions prior to her visit, taking down all pictures and making the house as plain as possible. We weren't sure what she could handle at this point.
She had been there for at least a week when it happened. We thought we were in the clear.
"Annie, he's perfect," Peeta says. We're all staring at Kai, who fell asleep on her lap.
She nods her head and rubs Kai's back.
He begins to stir, stretching out his arms and legs. "Morning sleepyhead," she says quietly.
Kai turns his head towards Peeta and I, and stretches out his arms. "Want Peeta to hold you?"
"That's a surprise," I murmur.
Kai hasn't left his side the whole trip, and any chance he can get to have attention from him, he takes.
He crawls into Peeta's lap and says, "I love you, daddy."
We both go still. I turn towards Annie to see if she heard. She definitely heard.
Her hands are clasped over her ears and she's humming something to herself. "He didn't mean it, Annie. He doesn't know what he's saying," I say, rubbing her back reassuringly.
"He's gone, he's gone, he's gone," she repeats to herself, scratching at her head.
"Annie, listen to me," I say, removing her hands from her head. "Come back to us, Annie. Come back."
Annie's eyes widen. And then she begins screaming. "Stay away from me!" she repeats.
Despite wanting to, Peeta can't move to get Kai out of the room. He'd taken off his prosthetic to give his leg a break.
Kai is crying into Peeta's shirt as I try to calm Annie's screams. She won't stop.
"Annie, listen to me. You're here with Peeta, Katniss, and Kai. Come back to us, Annie. Come back." Despite my efforts, her screams only increase.
"He's dead! He's dead! He's dead!" she yells at me.
I turn to Peeta to ask him what to do, but he's too busy trying to calm Kai.
He is curled on Peeta's lap, watching the spectacle. His eyes are filled with fear. "What do I do?" I ask over the screams.
"She's your best friend, Katniss. You know her better than anyone else," he says calmly.
This doesn't help soothe me, it only stresses me out more. I should be able to help her, but I can't.
"Annie, please come back. This is Katniss. Please come back."
She shakes her head violently. "He's dead!" she screams at the ceiling.
Kai, still crying, tries to help his mother by snuggling up against her. Before I can do anything, Annie pushes him onto the floor. "Kai!" I yell, rushing over to get him.
"Mommy hurt me!" he cries. "Mommy hurt me!"
I want to start crying. Kai is terrified of his mother now. His mother just hurt him. "It's not her fault, Kai," I say to him.
"Mommy hurt me!" he yells again.
I can only imagine what happens when Annie' s alone and she an attack.
Peeta and I walk downstairs into the living room. I snuggle up against him. "That was easier than expected," he says, squeezing my knee.
I nod and lace my fingers between his, rubbing my thumb on the back of his hand.
"You okay?" he asks.
I shrug my shoulders and rest my head on him. "I'm fine," I say. "Just tired."
I know he doesn't believe me, but he doesn't say anything. We sit in silence for what seems like hours, enjoying the warmth of one another.
I doze off a few times. "We better get you to bed," Peeta says, helping me stand up.
I grab his waist and prevent him from moving. He looks down at me and places a light kiss on my lips. I lean my forehead against his, not wanting to lose the warmth.
After getting ready for bed, we curl up against one another. I lay my head on his chest. He runs his fingers up and down my spine, calming me with every touch.
"I love you," he whispers.
It makes my stomach do little flips. "I love you, too."
After a few minutes, Peeta's breathing becomes rhythmical and quiet. I look up to see him asleep.
I can only imagine what he's dreaming of right now. My belly protruding from me; the funny way I walk; my cravings causing me to eat 20 cheese buns a day; our children, running around- one an exact replica of Peeta, the other just as feisty as I am.
Tears stream down my face without me realizing it. The guilt is becoming too much for me. I know that Peeta never wanted to pressure me into having children, but I feel like it's my fault entirely. I want to give him what he wants, but I'm too selfish and scared.
I will be completely responsible for the child's life for nine months. I won't be able to go hunting or do anything remotely entertaining. A living human will be growing inside of me, and then when it's done baking, I have to push it out of me whilst I'm in terrible pain. And what if it looks like Prim? It would end up being killed. I would be reminded every day of the loss I caused.
I can feel my dinner rising out of my throat, and I know it's not too long before it makes reappearance. I remove myself from Peeta and rush to the bathroom.
As soon as the door clicks, bile makes its way out of my mouth with several retches. I grasp the sides of the toilet for stability.
Guilt wracks through me in waves, causing me to hurl a few more times. The intensity of it makes my stomach cramp up. Every time another round comes, I wince with pain.
I sit by the toilet, crying from guilt. My whole body shakes, but I try to keep quiet so I don't wake the baby or worry Peeta.
After a few minutes, I use my remaining energy to prop myself up and wash the remnants away.
I look into the mirror after I'm done.
The bags under my eyes are a dark shade of purple, aging me by a few years. I'm completely pale, veins visible through the thinner part of my skin. An angry and sad look is plastered onto my face. It's hard to even recognize myself.
I crack open the door and see Peeta and the baby still sleeping soundly.
My body is completely awake, although physically exhausted, so I don't go back to bed just yet. I walk into the hallway to clear my head.
Next to us, Kai's light is on, shining under the door. It's slightly open, so I peak inside. He's lying on his stomach, face down.
I tip toe over to the side of the bed. He looks like Finnick, his hair tousled and his cheeks pink. On his cheeks are tear stains, and his eyes are swollen. I can't help but feel responsible for him being upset, although I have no control over it.
In his hand he holds a notepad. Carefully, I remove it from his hand, being careful not wake him. I feel tempted to read it, but I know he won't appreciate me snooping through his stuff, so I put the notepad on the side table.
Clutched in his other hand is a picture frame. It takes a little longer to remove the object from his hand, but once I do, I realize it's one of our frames. And not just any picture lies within the borders.
Finnick stands proudly in his grooms outfit on the day of his wedding. I grin at the memory, remembering the day vividly. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
Tears are dangerously close to pouring over. I feel accountable for his depravity of a normal childhood. I know how hard Annie must have worked for him, but it pains me to think he knows nothing about his father; nothing about what it feels like to have a father. In this, we are the same.
I grew up without a father, but I'm not the one staying with the woman who can be blamed for his dad's death.
I stand the picture up on the side table instead of putting it back downstairs. I feel like I owe him something.
I then pull a blanket over him, covering him from his feet to his neck.
I walk out the room quietly, turning of the light as I leave.
XXX
The next morning, I'm awoken by Peeta tracing my jaw with his fingertips. "Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you," he says. His voice is rough and husky.
I smile back at him, unable to be annoyed when he's grinning at me. Behind Peeta I spot Fleur's crib. I almost forgot about everything.
The events of the night before rush back to me, making the nausea crawl back. Luckily, I threw up everything left in my system, so it's unlikely it'll happen again.
"I heard you sneak back into the room last," he says, curling his body around mine.
I don't want to tell him the truth. He'll feel bad for me for no reason and I don't want to worry him. "Oh, I just needed some water."
"Oh, okay." He kisses me, running his fingers through my messy, tangled hair. I lean in, deepening the kiss.
Heat runs from my lips to my toes. I smile beneath his lips, unable to stop myself.
Right on cue, a sound comes from Fleur's crib. She stretches out her arms and legs before attempting to sit up.
It's obvious she's not a morning person. She falls backwards, a small thud sounding through the room. A quiet whimper comes from her direction.
Peeta gets up immediately to tend to the baby. He grabs his prosthetic leg, positioning it on. It's natural for him now, so he's up and at the crib in no time.
I watch him interacting with her, bouncing her up and down in his arms, soothing her cries. He turns around and shows Fleur to me.
I cover up my face with the blanket. "No, don't let her see me. I look like a zombie. She's gonna be scared and start crying."
Peeta chuckles and ignores me, bringing her over to the bed. I peak over the seam of the blanket to find Fleur's big eyes staring into mine. She giggles loudly.
I cover myself back up with the blanket and then get hit in the face with a little hand. Annoyed after only having just woken up, I bring the blanket off my face to glare at Peeta. Obviously amused by this, Fleur laughs.
To test out my theory, I bring the blanket over my head and then bring it down quickly, mimicking my previous actions. She laughs again. "Oh! Like peek-a-boo! Keep doing it," Peeta says excitedly.
Every single time, the humor of the blanket never seems to fail. After twenty times, back and forth, her whole body still shakes with laughter.
Peeta is losing himself over it, crying with laughter and practically falling off the bed. His laugh is so contagious that I eventually start5 laughing along with him.
After a few minutes, I'm tired of playing the game, but I'm nowhere near tired of seeing just how excited Peeta it. I breathe heavily and smell something pungent. "Um, Peeta, I hate to rain on your parade, but I think her diaper is dirty."
He bends down and smells her butt. His face scrunches up. "I think you're right." He picks her up and brings her to the changing table.
"Well," I say, slipping out from uner the blankets. "I think I'm gonna go eat something." I say this partly to get out of diaper duty, but mostly because I'm actually starving. After puking everything out a few hours ago, my body is in need of some form of energy.
I hear Peeta laugh and say, "Figures that right now you're hungy."
I enter the kitchen to find Kai sitting at the table eating a piece of toast. "I'm sorry. I didn't know what time you'd be up, so I-"
I shake my head. "No need to apologize. This house is yours, too." He nods and then hastily bites back into the toast.
I begin to make bagels for Peeta and I. "I'm sorry for taking the picture, Katniss," Kai suddenly says.
I turn towards him. "The picture?" I asked, confused.
"The picture of my da…of Finnick," he says, staring down at the table.
Realization hits me. He knows I barged into his room uninvited. Great. "It's fine, Kai." He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "You can keep it if you want," I say, unsure if I really mean it.
Of course I can get my hands on more pictures of Finnick, but this one I special. It's an original. I brought it home with me from District 13 specifically.
I scold myself for being so selfish. This child has never met his dad, and will never meet him. The least I can do is give him a picture.
"No, I can't take-"
"Of course you can…he's your father." I almost regret saying it, as though he doesn't know Finnick is his dad.
He nods his head and says, "Thank you."
I hear footsteps approaching the kitchen, and turn around to see Peeta walking in with Fleur in hand, covered in white powder once again.
"Um," he shrugs. "We had a bit of a mishap"
He walks over to the high chair and places Fleur in.
"Go get cleaned up, Mellark." He laughs and goes to the spare bathroom.
I go to Fleur to secure her in. I don't want her falling out of the chair.
I take the two straps in my hands and clip them together, making sure she's safe and snug.
Her smile immediately turns into a blood-curdling scream. My eyes widen with terror.
I freeze and don't know what to do, so I yell for some who will. "Peeta!" I scream, tears welling up in my eyes. I'm stroking her arms to try to soother her, but she hits me away. "Peeta!" I yell, my voice shaky.
He runs in, his face filled with fear. He rushes to Fleur's side, un-strapping her form the high chair. She continues to scream.
I look at her leg. Blood is trickling down it from a little cut on her thigh.
She's in pain. Usually she cries for the sake of crying, but the tears from her eyes and the way she screams tell me she's hurting.
I hurt her. Peeta trusted me and I hurt her.
"Katniss! Her skin just got caught! She's fine!" Peeta yells at me.
I don't turn around. I ache to run to the forest, but my body is still weak from throwing up the night before, so I opt for the brush behind the house.
Violent sobs emit from me. My whole body shakes, and I swallow down bile that's rising in my throat.
I was trusted. Peeta trusted me with her. How could he think I could take care of her? I'm a monster. I'm a monster.
"Katniss!' Peeta yells for me. I don't have the energy to respond, so I stay silent.
I can hear him running around, looking for me. I want him to hold me, but I don't want him near me. I don't want to see the disappointment in his eyes.
It takes him a good ten minutes of yelling to stop. "Katniss, please," he pleads.
The pain in his voice causes me to begin crying again, easily giving away my location.
He finds me and envelops me in his arms. I cry into his shirt.
I've been crying a lot lately, in situations that I should be staying strong in.
"Katniss, lets get you insed," he says, attempting to pick me up.
I shrug away from him. "No."
"Katniss," he says. "She wasn't hurt badly. She's already stopped crying and-"
"I hurt her!" I yell in his face. "We've had her for a day and I've already managed to hurt her!"
Peeta shakes his head. "You didn't mean to."
I snap at him. "I didn't mean to hurt Prim, or Rue, or Finnick, but they're all dead because of me!"
He holds my head close to his chest. "Katniss, don't you ever say that. Their deaths were not your fault."
"Their deaths were my fault! I know you don't want to think that, but it's true. This is the reason I didn't want these kids here! I'm a mess! I knew I'd end up hurting them! It was only a matter of time!" Another wave of sobs overtakes me, making it hard to catch my breath.
"Stop blaming yourself, Katniss!" Peeta yells at me, losing his cool for a few moments. His eyes are filled with anger and his face is a shade of crimson.
It leaves his face as fast as it came. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I just hate seeing you blame yourself for everything. Including this." He strokes my back, pulling me closer to him. "You're new at this. You didn't mean for any of it to happen. You never meant to hurt her, or Prim, or Rue, or Finnick."
My sobs become more intense, making my body shudder. "I'm a monster!"
He sighs loudly. "I know you never wanted these kids here. I know that. I'm trying the best I can to make it work. Please, just stop blaming yourself for everything. You're trying, Katniss. That's all I care about."
I stare at him. "I'm sorry," I whisper. I can't help the words that tumble out of my mouth next. It's been built up inside me for years. "I'm sorry for giving you such a messed up and shitty life, Peeta. I'm sorry for everything."
He wraps his arms around me. "You're all I'll need in life. I will always love you. Always."
I really hope you enjoyed this everlark filled chapter!
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Have a good day lovelie 3 XXXXX