I just couldn't help it
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"Ok, Jordan, I know you said something. Why else would he run out of here like that?" I knew this was coming.
"I dunno. I asked how he'd been and he said he'd been working. He asked if I was staying here, I said yes. That's all." Well, that is what happened. And what does it matter? She said she was done with him anyway.
"You just couldn't resist, could you?" Angela, face flushed, eyes flashing, tosses my soda at me before spinning around and stomping back to the kitchen.
I prefer this Angela to the Angela that keeps pushing me away. I know she's not done yelling at me.
Walking back into the room carrying two plates, she hands one to me. Then, she hands me a napkin. Walking over to the sofa, she kicks her flip flops off, then sits on the sofa with her legs curled under her. After a few minutes of us eating in silence, I thought maybe she was going to let it go.
"So what did you really say to him? You expect me to believe that was all?" Guess I was wrong. I knew she wouldn't believe me.
"I swear that's all I said. And what does it matter? I thought you broke up with him. You said you were done with him 'for good' this time. And why was he here in the middle of the day?" She won't look at me, she's sitting there picking the toppings off her pizza. I don't blame her, because this pizza tastes like cardboard with cheese on it.
"He was on his lunch break. That's not the point. You let him believe that you were here with me, didn't you? I bet you knew exactly what he was thinking and you played along with him." Setting her plate on the coffee table, she turns to look at me.
"Why are you getting so mad at me? I didn't do anything. I was nice to him. What, were you planning to get back together with him?" Is that what this is about? She wants him?
"No, Jordan. This isn't about Matt. It's about you. We're not married anymore. We haven't been married for a while now. You can't just come in here and act like you live here." Well, I didn't expect her to say that.
"What? I just thought it would be easier for me to be with Jay if I stayed here. You don't want me to stay? I can call Dad, he'll let me crash there."
Getting up from the chair, I carry my plate and empty soda can in the kitchen. Dumping the pizza and can in the trash and putting the plate in the dishwasher. When I turn around, Angela is standing behind me.
"I didn't say I didn't want you to stay here. Just don't do shit like what you did with Matt." Yeah, I knew we'd get back to Matt.
"So this is about Matt? If I had known you wanted to get back with him, I would have begged him to forgive you. I would have promised to leave you alone." Yeah, right.
"Damn it, Jordan! Why do you do this shit? I don't want Matt, I don't. If I wanted him, I wouldn't have told him to get lost in the first place. But don't you see? Matt was sitting there, probably trying to get me to take him back and in you walk, the whole reason we split up in the first place. Not only that, you're fresh from the shower, head wet and barefoot. How do you think that looked? Then you make yourself at home, kicking back and turning on the TV!" She's so cute when she gets mad. I know I should just apologize. I should just tell her she's right and promise not to do it again, but I can't.
"I did just get out of the shower. And I had no idea he was even going to be here. What, am I supposed to be psychic now, too? Besides, I bought this damn house. I paid for everything in it. Why shouldn't I watch the fucking TV I paid for?" Shit. Why did I say that?
"Oh my god. Did you just say that to me? Are you serious?" She steps closer to me, practically yelling now. "I've never once asked you to spend your money on us. I never asked you for a damn thing."
"Yeah, I know. You made it perfectly clear that you didn't want anything of mine the day you told me you wanted a fucking divorce." I know I should stop. I know I should probably give her some space, maybe take a drive or something, but I can't make myself walk away from this. "I would give you the whole god damn world if you'd let me, but you don't want that!"
"How the hell do you know what I want? You never took the time to figure out what I wanted. You have no idea! If you did, we'd still be married." What the fuck does that mean?
"What? What do you want? Tell me." If all it takes to get her back is doing what she wants, I'll gladly do it.
"It's not that easy! It's not something that all your money can buy, Jordan. You can't just run out and pick it up!" She's standing there, right in front of me with her arms crossed. I want so bad to just reach out and pull her to me. To lose myself in her and forget that we've ever been apart.
This is the closest we've ever come to talking about the divorce. We avoid the subject when we're on the phone. Usually, Jay's around when we're together, so we don't talk about it then. And the last time we were completely alone together, 3 months, 1 week and 2 days ago to be exact, we ended up in her bed. After which, I left the next morning and we didn't talk for weeks.
"So tell me. Tell me what you wanted that I couldn't give you. Tell me what it was that made you throw our marriage away. Because you're right, I have no idea! I thought I was giving you what you wanted. I tried very hard to be who you wanted me to be. Nothing I did was good enough!" Why does this shit hurt so bad? It has been 3 years since we signed the papers. Shouldn't I be over it?
"God, Jordan! Why are we even doing this? Nothing's changed. We're still the same two people we were then. No matter what I want or what you want, we still can't be together. All we do is hurt each other. I don't want to go through that again." She turns away, trying to hide the tears welling in her eyes. I hate it when she cries. I hate it that I make her cry. Just seeing the tears rolling down her face knocks some of the fight out of me.
Taking a step closer to her, I can't help but reach out and touch her face. "Red, please don't cry. I'm sorry."
Jerking away, she turns to leave the room. "Just don't, ok? Just leave me alone. I don't want to do this with you."
Standing here, in the middle of her kitchen, with her walking away from me again, I realize something. I never really did know what she wanted. I mean, I thought she wanted what all women want, marriage. I bought her expensive gifts and gave her credit cards with no limits. I let her pick the house, the street, the city. I bought her the car she wanted. I took her to Milan, Rome, Paris, and Tokyo. All before Jay was born.
After he was born, I took some time off to be with them, because that's what I thought she wanted. I took two years away from my music career to be with them, then I left on tour. A tour that lasted 22 months, seeing them only every couple weeks, for a few days at a time. I'd only been home a few months when Angela asked me for a divorce. Confused, hurt and angry, I gave her what she wanted. I didn't fight for her like I should have. I made sure that they would be provided for. She would never have to want for anything.
I packed my shit, and called Shane. He, Tommy and I went to LA to record our next album. Then came another tour and then the tour we're on right now. So again, being the selfish bastard that is me, I never stopped to find out what she wanted.
I know that I can't leave it like this now. I've come this far into it, I have to finish it. Going in search of her, I find her in the bedroom, our bedroom, crying on the bed. Why she hadn't closed the door and locked me out, I don't know.
"Angela, can I come in? We need to talk about this." As she rolls over to look at me, I stand in the doorway, leaning against the door jam.
"Do you really think it's a good idea for you to be in here with me? Because I don't." She frustrates the hell out of me sometimes.
"Well, since you're scared I'm going to force myself on you, why don't you come back to the living room?" This is going to be like pulling teeth.
Not waiting for her to follow, I turn and walk back to the living room. As I sit in my recliner waiting for her, I catch myself chewing on my thumb. After a few minutes, she comes back into the room, taking her previous position on the sofa.
"Look, Jordan. Let's not get into this again. What's done is done. We both need to let go and move on. It's for the best." Can I just bang my head against the wall? It would be easier, and less painful.
"Best for who exactly? You? 'Cause I'm telling you, the last few years have not been easy on me. I tried to let you go, because that's what you said you wanted, but it doesn't feel like that's what you want." So I should just cut her out of my life? "Are you saying you want me to stop calling you? Stop answering the phone when you call?"
"I don't know. We've been doing good as friends. Why do we have to change that?" Here she goes, not looking at me again.
"Have we? Been doing good as friends, I mean? Is that all you want from me? You want to be my friend? How did that work out for us when we were kids? It didn't." How did we get back to this?
"Please, just stop." Why should I stop? Is this too painful for her?
"No, Angela, I won't. We need to work this out. I'm tired of not knowing what I did wrong. I'm tired of trying to figure it all out on my own. I should have never agreed to let you divorce me. I should have fought for you." Does she think I can just turn my feelings off?
"You don't get it, do you?" Finally, she decides to look at me. "I won't let you hurt me again. I'm not willing to take that chance. We're better off this way."
"I get that you're scared. I'm scared, too. And believe me when I say I've thought about all this over and over again. I've spent many sleepless nights, after I've spent hours on the phone with you, thinking about this. I've tried and tried to get over you. It just isn't working. Hell, I'm miserable!" Getting up from the chair, I start to pace the room.
"Oh, really. Because you sure didn't look miserable in the middle of your bimbo sandwich. Or what about the other girl, in the coffee shop? Was she licking the tears off your face? I've seen how miserable you are." So, she was jealous. I knew it.
"Angela, nothing happened with any of those girls, I swear. That was a low day for me. I'm a little embarrassed to admit, I kinda did that on purpose." Now, why did I say that?
"Whatever, Jordan. I'm not stupid. I know you." Well, yeah, the way I used to be.
"I mean it. I wasn't with those girls. I knew the cameras were there. I knew you'd see the pictures." Come on, Catalano. Next you'll be on your knees begging.
"Really? Why would you do that?" Because I'm a fucking idiot and I do stupid shit.
"Because I was trying to make you jealous. Because I was missing you. Because all I've thought about since the day I left this house 3 months ago is how much I wanted you." There, you asked for it.
"Why, because we had sex? That didn't change anything." Maybe for you it didn't.
"Yes, it did. It changed everything! It made me realize that I want you back in my life. I want us to work all this out. I want to be with you." God, I sound like such a pussy, spouting off about my feelings and shit. "JESUS CHRIST, ANGELA! I love you. I've always loved you."
Jumping up from the sofa, she yells at me, "Don't you dare use that against me! You don't think I know that you love me? I do know. I've always known that! But it's never been enough. We've done this over and over again. How many times have we split up in the past? How many?"
"Way too many times." So many that I've lost track.
"You'd have thought we would have learned, but we didn't. We don't belong together, Jordan. It doesn't matter that I love you or that you love me. Don't you see?" At the moment, all I can see is her.
I'm tired of arguing about this. I'm tired of her telling me she doesn't want me, when I know she does. And I know damn well she'll hate me for it later, but right now I don't care. Walking over to her, I pull her up against me. Kissing her like a man starved, I wrap one hand in her hair, using the other to hold her against my body.
At first she tries to pull away, but I'm not letting her go. Licking at her lips, I coax her mouth open slipping my tongue inside. She maybe telling me that she doesn't want this, but I know she does.
God, It feels so good to hold her in my arms again. The sweet taste of her breath on my tongue, the smell of her surrounding me. This is all I've thought about for months.
Pulling back a little, I give her a chance to stop it. Looking her in the eye, I say, "Tell me you don't want this, and I'll leave. I'll go to Dad's and come back when Jay's home. I want you to know it's not just about this."
I can see it in her eyes. She wants to tell me to stop. She wants to be the one in control, but she also wants this. She wants it as badly as I do. After watching the different emotions cross her face for what seemed like hours, but was probably more like a minute, I let her go. As I'm stepping back from her, she reaches out to me with both hands. Wrapping her hands in my shirt, she pulls me back to her.
"I know this won't solve anything. It'll probably make things worse. But I can't help myself when it comes to you. I want you, Jordan, I want this. Just promise me you won't hurt me." How can I promise her that?
"Red, I never meant to hurt you, ever. I promise you I'll try not to." I'm done talking. I think I've talked more today than I have in months. Right now, what I want is to get her naked and under me.
Grabbing her shirt, I slowly pull it over her head, dropping it on the floor. Kissing her lips, I put my hands on her body. Just touching her soft, smooth skin is enough to make me hot. I love how she arches her back when I move my hands down it. It's like she's offering her body to my mouth. As I kiss across her cheek, down to her neck, she makes that moaning sound that I love. While I'm sucking on her earlobe, I unfasten her bra, moving the straps down her arms, letting it fall to the floor.
With both of her breasts now bare in front of me, I kiss and lick down across her chest and take one of them in my mouth, taking the other one in my hand. I know she likes it best when I suck on her nipple, then gently bite it. It drives her crazy. Moving my mouth to the other breast, I move both hands down to her shorts. In no time at all, I have her shorts and panties in a pool at her feet.
Standing back, I can't help but stare at her. She's so fucking beautiful. I can't believe I'm here with her, like this again. I'm almost afraid that if I close my eyes, it will all disappear.
I make quick work of removing my clothes and push her down on the sofa, before following her down. I really wish I could take it slow, take my time. I should savor the moment and all, but I've waited too long for this.
Moving between her legs, I position myself at the entrance of her slick wet core. Just as I'm about to push inside, I remember. "Angela, do you want me to use protection?"
"Are you clean?"
"Yes, I promise." I hate that it's even an issue.
"Then, no, I don't want you to. I'm on the pill." That's all the assurance I need.
Slowly pushing inside of her tight body, I almost lose it. I can't believe how, after all this time, we still fit together like this. No other woman has ever felt like this to me. It's like she was made for me or something.
As I stroke in and out of her, I try to memorize everything about this moment. How her body clings to mine. How her hands are holding me to her, her legs wrapped around my waist. Her hair spread out of the cushion beneath her head. Her lips, swollen from my kisses. Her eyes, half closed, looking back at me. The sounds she making as I pleasure her.
I don't think I've ever loved her more than I do right now, right this minute. I know that no matter what happens, we are meant to be together. I'll find a way to make her see that.
I know I'm thinking entirely too much. It just all seems unreal, like a dream. If I don't kiss her right now, I think I may die.
Taking her face in my hands, I kiss her like my life depends on it. I put all the emotions I'm feeling into it. I'm sure she can see it in my eyes if she looks hard enough.
Burying my head in her neck, I continue to stroke in and out of her body. Feeling her tighten beneath me and hearing her moaning my name is all it takes. As she crying out, clawing her nails into my shoulders, I come inside her.
For a few minutes, neither of us move. I don't think I could if I tried. Once reality sets in, I realize that I still have her pinned to the sofa, all my weight still holding her down. As I move to get off her she tightens her arms around me. Shifting toward the back of the sofa, she makes room for me. Sliding out of her body, I move over to lay half beside, half on top of her with my face still buried in her neck. Angela's arms still holding me tight.
That's how I wake up a little while later. My body pressed to hers, her hands on my back. Pulling my head back, I look at her. She still has that sleepy satisfied look on her face. I can't help but smile. Kissing her cheek, I pull myself off her and head to the bathroom, grabbing my clothes off the floor on the way.
When I return to the living room she's sitting on the sofa, fully dressed. I really don't know what to expect from her. Is she going to be mad at me now that she's had time to think about it? She looks at me and smiles. "You know, Jordan, you're much easier to resist when you're being an asshole."
Grinning at her, I shake my head. "What? That's all you've got? I thought for sure you were gonna be all pissy when I got back in here. I thought maybe you'd tell me how it was a mistake and we couldn't do it again, blah blah blah."
"Well, right now, I think I'm in such a good mood that I don't want to ruin it. Maybe you should just follow my lead, huh? Don't start saying stupid shit." Who is this woman?
Sitting down beside her, I pull her against me, putting my arm around her shoulders. It feels so right having her head resting against my chest. I think I could sit like this with her forever.
"So, you're on the pill?" Fuck, where did that come from. Way to go, Jordan.
"Yeah, so what?" I can feel her withdrawing.
"I was just wondering how long you've been taking them. I mean, I know you used to take them when we were married." Just shut up. Stop doing this.
"Well, I stopped when we split up, but I started taking them again a few months ago." Now she's holding my hand in hers, twisting my ever present silver ring around my finger. Something she used to do all the time.
"So, you weren't taking them while you were with Matt?"
Sighing loudly, she says, "No, I wasn't."
"Why the hell not?" Why am I getting mad about this? It really isn't my business, right?
"Because, Jordan, I never slept with Matt." Wait, what?
"You didn't?" Well, hot damn.
"No, I didn't and before you ask what I know you're going to ask, I started taking them again after we were together." I'm glad she can't see my face right now. I'm sure if she did, she'd knock the shit out of me because there's no way I can wipe this smug smile off.
Yeah, right now, my life is pretty damn good.
I think I read this chapter 4 times after I wrote it...I gotta admit, it's one of my favorites. I love Jordan... ****sigh**** Hope you enjoyed it! ~gagirl29