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(Edward's POV)

I know I hadn't been a great husband. Heck, I hadn't been even a good friend. I also knew I was distancing myself from my beloved wife, but despite my fear of hurting her, it didn't stop me from desiring her. Even simply kissing her had me wanting more, and it took everything I had not to jump her. I knew she wouldn't complain, either, because I could see and smell her desire for me.

But I couldn't let the desire win. Not when I didn't trust myself, and feared hurting her again, or even killing her.

Despite the fact that I couldn't sleep, it didn't stop me from having waking nightmares of her body still and cold beside me. It didn't stop me from envisioning giving in to the urge, and killing her in the act because I couldn't control myself.

That more than anything gave me the strength, but it didn't stop the urges. So I began to withdraw myself, finding the limits and staying firmly behind them. I also knew she'd noticed it, but she said little to nothing about it as we went on so many trips.

Yes, I was aware she knew my plan. I was also aware she was going along with it, despite the fact that she clearly didn't want to. I became more and more aware of her pain as the days passed. She smiled less and less, and rarely initiated conversation with me. Usually when she did, she attempted to confront me about our wedding night, but I couldn't talk about it.

I simply couldn't think about it. It hurt too much, watching those bruises form for what felt like a lot longer than six hours. Bruises I had unknowingly caused during a night of passion.

How could I forgive myself for that?

Apparenly it was easy. Listen to Bella and trust she would be honest with me.

Honestly, I was so worried about physically hurting her that I frequently lost myself in my thoughts. It didn't hit when she slept a lot at seemingly random times, or didn't sleep properly at night. I barely noticed it when she began to eat more, on occasion running to the bathroom to lose what she'd just eaten. I did notice her getting paler and a little weaker, but I put that off to too much exertion during the day.

I even briefly wondered if she'd actually caught a tropical bug, but a phone call to Carlisle assurred me it was more likely stress than anything else.

I did notice it when Bella sighed loudly on the trip back from the mountain climbing and hiking. I could see the pain and frustration in her face, and I don't know what pushed me, but I acted ignorant of the cause when I questioned her what was wrong.

She knew it, too.

In a surprisingly harsh and un-Bella-like display, she'd snapped at me angrily. I knew she didn't mean a lot of what she said, but her words still cut through me deeper than any blade ever could. It also woke me up more than any icy shower. The tone of her voice, and the look in her eyes showed me just how much pain I was inadvertantly causing her, by withdrawing into myself.

I let her go, musing over her words and awaiting the pain to pass.

For a long moment, I feared the pain would never pass. She doubted me. She doubted my love. I made her feel unloved and unwanted. I could see it in her expression, and my undead heart clenched painfully. Couldn't she see I was doing this because I was trying to protect her? I was doing it because if anything happened to her, I'd never forgive myself.

I'm stalling. Her words at the house forced me to see that. I'm afraid. The Volturi would only wait so long, and I was pushing my luck more and more every day. I refused to change her, saying it was because I wasn't ready. In all reality, I didn't think I could. The more time I spent with her, the harder it was to make the decision to actually drain her blood. I was afraid of failing her.

And in giving into that fear, I was failing her.

Help her. I could hear the instinctive words echoing in my head as I cleaned the pan, giving Bella some time to gather control. I'd never seen her this emotional before, and it worried me, but I realized it very well could be because of the way I'd been treating her. I blamed her strange reactions to the lack of attention on my part.

When I was done cleaning up, I cast the empty egg carton into the garbage and noticed the numerous egg cartons. I realized I'd soon have to go out and get more, but for now, Bella and I really needed to sit down and talk this out. We needed to get past this, before Bella did become sick.

Making my way to the bathroom, I called her. I could hear her shaky breaths and pounding heart, and winced, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. You made her cry. Great job. My mind sarcastically spat. "Bella?" I asked her if we could talk. She didn't answer, and I allowed a moment to simply listen to her breathing. It seemed to calm, but remained shaky. "Bella?"

There was a gasp, and her heart suddenly jumped sharply in a way I'd never heard. I frantically tried to get her to talk to me as an irrational fear filled me. I tried the door, but it was locked, and I was half tempted to kick it in, only to realize Bella was leaning against it and would be hurt. I imagined so many scenarios, but kept my cell phone at my side. I knew, I trusted that if anything was wrong, Alice would have already informed me. As scared as I was, I took a deep breath and relaxed when Bella's voice issued forth, shaky but firm.

"I'm fine."

Her heart was still racing, and I leaned against the door. "Then please let me in." I heard her moving sluggishly and the door lock clicked. She opened the door and I sighed at the sight of her pale complexion and wide eyes. "Bella, love..." I opened and shut my mouth, gaping helplessly as I struggled for the words to explain my reactions and how horrible I felt for hurting her in any way.

Her eyes were cast downwards, but at my words, they lifted towards me. I could see a glassy, far away look in them, and the small amount of medical training I'd had in my years kicked me into gear, as I recognized the early stages of shock.

Picking her up, I sped towards the bedroom. "Tell me what it is." I almost demanded, looking her over for any possible injuries.

Shaking her head, life seemed to come back to her eyes, and a smile seemed to tug at the corner of her lips. Then her look froze and worry came to her eyes instead. "I'm..." She seemed to hesitate. "I'm fine, really. Edward, can I make a phone call, please?" She seemed to be hugging herself awkwardly, and alarm bells instantly went off.

"Bella, you're going to tell me what's wrong right now." I ordered firmly.

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. I should have realized Bella was unpredictable at the moment, but as her expression darkened and her eyes narrowed, I actually took a step back. Not that I was afraid of her, but from the look on her face, I was afraid for her. I was petrified she would attempt to hit me, and break something in the process.

"Do not tell me what to do!" She hissed, getting up. Grabbing her cell phone from the dresser beside the bed, she stalked out of the room. "I'm a grown woman, not a fragile glass doll to be coddled!" With that, she disappeared.

With a low sigh, I turned and disappeared out the window. I had a feeling this was a call she wanted privacy for, and as much as I wanted to stay nearby, I also didn't want to upset her more than she already was. I would find out later, one way or another. After all, I heard her muttering Esme's name as she disappeared.

With a low growl, I ran into the woods to hunt something. Bella was right. I was putting off her change, and it was dangerous to both of us. I needed to gather my strenth and get this over with. I'd call Carlisle to come watch over us, to make sure we were ok, then I'd gorge myself and wait.

Before tomorrow night, I'd change Bella.

(Bella's POV)

I went to the other side of the massive house, praying Edward wouldn't be listening, musing quietly to myself about the benefits of calling Esme. Out of all the Cullens, I knew I could trust her most with my theories, because she'd told me about her long lost baby boy. I didn't even really consider Carlisle, as this was something I needed to discuss with a girl first.

Belatedly, I thought about Alice. If she'd seen this, she'd probably be mad at me, for wanting to talk to someone else. I looked at the phone, waiting for it to ring and to see her name on the display.

Two minutes passed...

Four...

It hit me she wasn't going to call, and I frowned slightly before shaking my head. If I wait too long, Edward might come looking for me, and I don't... The only real reason I was keeping my worries from him was because I was terrified. I didn't even know if it was possible, and if it was... Would he want it? Would his family accept it? What about the Volturi, would they allow me to live long enough to...?"

And me... Did I want it?

Closing my eyes, I put my hand absently over the tiny bump that my t-shirt kept hidden, for now. There was a fluttering movement, and I found myself smiling. "It's a miracle." It was an easy decision. A life that shouldn't have been possible was granted to me. This was beyond a blessing. "Yes, I definitely want it."

Looking to the phone, I dialled, mentally trying to decide what I wanted to say.

Esme picked up after the first ring, and I took a deep breath.

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Tenshi