A/N: Long chapter today. Enjoy!
Just before dawn the next morning, Lizzy went to meet William at their tree, terrified once more of his response and nearly regretting her promise to confide in him.
"Snap out of it, Lizzy! You trust him more than anyone else in the world," she muttered to herself as she trekked through the dark to the prearranged meetingplace.
"Still talking to yourself, I see," came a voice out of the darkness, causing Lizzy to jump at the unexpected sound.
"Will? Is that you?" she asked breathlessly.
He chuckled at that, "Who else would be mad enough to be out here before even the crack of dawn? I'm just glad that my father has started sleeping later than he used to, else he might have caught me sneaking out the front door this morning. As it was, not even the staff had risen yet."
"Exactly how long have you been here this morning?" Lizzy asked suspiciously.
His chagrined voice replied that he'd been at the tree for some 40 minutes. "I couldn't sleep," he said quietly, reaching out to grasp her hand. "I couldn't stop imagining what you might tell me this morning."
"Oh William," Lizzy sighed in regret, her arm stretching up to stroke the face she had missed the past three years. "I never should have agreed to burden you with my concerns."
"Tell me, Lizzy," he pleaded, reaching up with his own hand to hold hers in place and leaning his cheek into her palm. "What is it that has caused you such pain?"
The tenderness she saw in his eyes, even in the near-darkness surrounding them, humbled her, and she said sadly, "It will be easier to show you, but I cannot do so here. The cottage at the edge of Pemberley's woods, is it still empty?"
"Yes, it is," he replied in some confusion.
"Then let us go there." And so saying, she set off in the correct direction, his hand still intertwined with her own.
Fitzwilliam spent the majority of the walk alternately marvelling that Lizzy truly was here once again, in his life, and puzzling over what she intended to show him that would explain her three-year absence but that could not be revealed in public.
If this hadn't been Lizzy, whom he trusted completely and wanted to marry anyway, he would have feared an entrapment. Even at the tender age of 21 and still attending Cambridge, he was acknowledged to be "a very good prospect" and had already been the target of several such schemes. But this was Lizzy, and he did want to marry her, so his mind instead turned to the many dire possibilities it could conjure for the reason behind yesterday's distress.
When they arrived at the small hut, he opened the door and followed her over the threshold.
"Now," he began after securing the door behind them, "What is it that made you leave me without even a note and that has kept you away for so long? What is so terrible that you could not tell me at the bookstore nor show me under our tree?"
Wordlessly and with great trepidation, Lizzy stepped away from him and turned her back, reaching to undo the first few buttons of her dress.
"Lizzy!" Darcy gasped in shock, grasping her hands tightly, "What are you doing?!"
"Showing you what you need to know, Will! Now help me or leave! This is difficult enough to share without your consternation over my method of doing so," she shot back angrily, fighting tears of hurt at his response.
She stilled as she felt his hands release hers and come to rest gently on her shoulders as he stepped closer. "I'm sorry, Lizzy," he said softly, before laughing lightly and starting on her buttons. "It was a bit of surprise though, when you began taking off your clothes. I must admit that it was the last thing I expected!"
"That's fair, I suppose," she chuckled in return, grateful for these few moments of good humor. Growing serious once more, she clutched the front of her dress to her body as his fingers undid the last of the buttons.
Helping Lizzy unbutton her dress was even more difficult than Darcy would have supposed. His heart had faltered whenever his fingers had accidentally brushed her stays or chemise and he had focused intently on quelling his reaction to her nearness and state of undress. Thus it was that he failed to comprehend the sight before him until he stepped away from her.
"Lizzy!" he gasped, in a tone so horrified that there was no mistaking his focus. She flinched slightly when she felt his calloused fingers gently trace the edge of a bruise on her shoulder and then the beginnings of a scar that disappeared beneath her stays.
"What has happened?!" he cried in a hoarse whisper as he examined the story of abuse that covered her back, a collage of scars and bruises so vivid that many were clearly visible even through the fabric of her chemise.
"My cousin," Lizzy stated flatly, shrugging her dress back into place and signalling to William that his help was required to refasten the gown.
She made to step away from him as he finished, but was stopped by a firm hand on her elbow and instead turned to meet his gaze.
"Tell me everything," he demanded.
With a resigned sigh, Lizzy led him to a bench placed along one wall of the small room. When they were both settled, she took a deep breath and began to recount all that had happened since the day she had intended to meet him under their tree on the green.
"I can only imagine how hurt you were, how confused," she began, "when I failed to meet you as we had planned that morning, but my uncle received an express from my Uncle Phillips the night before, informing us that my Father was gravely ill and begging us to return to Longbourn immediately. We were shocked at the news, he was in perfect health when we left him! In all the confusion and anxiety, I didn't even think to ask Uncle to leave a note for you. Instead we packed our things as quickly as possible and left, stopping only to exchange horses on our journey.
"But it was all for naught!" she sobbed, her voice breaking and tears falling from her eyes as she relived her grief. Will pressed her hands between his own, unsure how else to comfort her but needing to do something. She drew a shaky breath, shooting him a grateful look, and, swallowing her tears, pressed on. "He was already gone when we arrived and the house was in turmoil. Mama was in hysterics and poor Jane, though she was only just turned fifteen, was left to run the entire household while Uncle Phillips did his best to handle the day-to-day running of the estate as he planned the funeral for Papa. I never imagined that any day could be worse than that one."
Suddenly her voice hardened, her back stiffened, and her eyes left his to focus on something in the distance. "I was wrong," she said. "Scarcely a week had passed when our cousin, Mr. Collins, my father's heir, arrived to take possession of the estate. I believe his original intent was to throw us all out without a so much as a second thought, but he met Jane, who truly is an beauty, and instead he gave Mama a choice: allow him to marry Jane at once, or face a life in the hedgerows. Well, Mama agreed to speak with Jane who, always believing the best of everyone, accepted his offer and became his wife in order to 'save' the rest of us. Though I've often wondered since whether it would not have been better to live in the hedgerows than under his roof," she muttered bitterly.
"You need say no more," William told her, turning her chin in order to meet her eyes. "I believe I can guess the rest."
"No!" Lizzy replied harshly. "You wanted to know all, and now that I have begun, for the first time, to tell someone the truth of things, I very much want to share the burden with someone I can trust. Please, Will," she said, her tone gentling as she tried to explain what she felt, "I want to share this with you. We've never had any secrets between us before and I refuse to let my despicable cousin take you away from me in addition to everything else he has stolen."
"Very well, Lizzy. But only if you truly wish to. I would not want to cause you pain by forcing you to revisit something you would rather forget," William said seriously.
"Thank you," she smiled, "But I think I need to share the load, so to speak. And there's no one I'd rather share it with than you, William."
The trust in her eyes touched him deeply and he resolved in that moment to be whoever and whatever she need him to be. He had loved her for years, the enforced separation of the past three years serving only to deepen his regard. If he was not yet the man she needed, he would do everything in his power to become that man and he prayed that she would be patient with him as he strove to do so. If all she asked of him for now was to listen and to share her burden, then he would do it gladly, along with anything else he could imagine to lessen the weight she carried in her heart. He only prayed that she could read as much in his eyes.
"Mr. Collins is not a good husband to Jane," Lizzy continued darkly, "But he treats her better than he does the rest of us. Jane is naturally docile and sweet, everything ladylike in demeanor and comportment, as well as appearance, so he has little to reproach her with - though she must endure attentions the rest of us have so far escaped. Mama he ridicules and ignores by turns, much as Papa used to do, but where Papa sought only to make sport of the follies she would not correct, Mr. Collins seeks to humiliate. I think it has broken her spirit; she was never very strong, but now she is only a shadow of the woman she used to be, and I've discovered that I miss her nerves and flights of fancy." Here she paused in bittersweet reflection on what had been and no longer was.
"And what of you?" Darcy gently prompted when she had been lost in thought for some minutes.
"Pardon my inattention," she said softly, shaking her head and smiling sadly. "I take the worst of it, I suppose," she continued. "He was in residence for less than a day before he deemed me 'wild' and in need of taming, though he refrained from saying so until my uncles had departed for their own homes. He beats me quite regularly. For offences both real and imagined," she said bitterly, feeling the telltale sting of tears behind her eyes and fought to keep from burying her face in his shoulder and giving voice to the depth of her pain in a wash of saltwater.
"I admit that I sometimes act out in order to draw his attention away from Kitty and Lydia. They were so young when it all happened that they don't remember much of what life was like at the time and have somehow managed to retain a small portion of their youthful joy and exuberance. At times they do act inappropriately, but I find I do not have it within me to stifle the little sunshine in their lives by encouraging strict propriety. Thus the only way I have to protect them from our cousin's ire is to draw it myself. I know that it is wrong to actively seek his punishments and then to hate him for them, but I do! I know that I ought to let my sisters learn from the consequences of their actions, but I cannot bear to see it happen! I know that I should trust God and thank Him for the circumstance in which I find myself, but I sometimes feel that He has abandoned me...that I'm not worthy of even the all-encompassing love of God."
"Lizzy," Will said, forcing her to meet his eyes once more. "God loves you, and He has not abandoned you. Never believe that!" he murmured fiercely, holding her gaze. "Love is not something anyone earns. Not one of us is 'worthy' of love, especially the kind of unconditional love God offers. Respect is earned, trust is earned, but love? Love can only be freely given. God loves you because you are His child and He sees more in you than anyone else ever could. Even me," he muttered softly, praying she could read his sincerity in his eyes. "I love you, more than I can say. You did nothing to earn it; it was a choice I made - the very same choice you make each time you seek to protect your sisters at the expense of your own pain."
When the tears she had earlier repressed welled up again in her eyes and spilled over onto her cheeks, he reached out to fold her into his arms, holding her close. His heart sighed in contentment to have her there, even as it ached for her pain. "You are worth every good thing. No matter what that slime has beaten into you." He reached out, laying his hand on her cheek and smoothing away her tears with his thumb when she leaned into the contact. "I wish I could take you away from him forever!" he whispered angrily. "I wish I could run him through with Richard's saber! I wish...I wish...I wish so many things!" he sighed, his voice softening once more as he tucked his face into her hair. "But most of all, I wish that I could take away your pain, that I could make it so that you never experience anything but joy. That does not lie within my power, however, no matter how fervently I may wish it."
Tears ran thick and fast from her eyes now as she reached up to twine her hand into his hair, holding him to her more securely. "Oh William, what did I ever do to deserve you?" she sobbed, then laughed, "I know, I know: 'nothing, it was a choice'. Truly though, you are wonderful! You have no idea how it felt yesterday. I have spent 3 years longing to tell you, unable even to write because my cousin reads all of our correspondence. And then, there you were! Standing before me, asking me to tell you what was wrong. Trusting you, loving you, but terrified that you would think ill of me when you knew, that you would turn away.
"I thought, when I came this summer, that it would be better to bear it all myself than to risk losing your esteem. I had determined not to tell you, but when you embraced me so joyfully, your arms pressed my bruises and the pain sent my mind spinning back to when he gave them to me and you saw! You saw the pain no one else has taken the time to see, and that alone meant the world to me. But this? This whole-hearted acceptance has been beyond my wildest dreams. I love you, Fitzwilliam Darcy! You truly are the best man I have ever known. And I know that it is improper of me to speak so, but my heart is full and I must speak or go mad," Lizzy declared between sobs.
"Lizzy!" Darcy cried as a joyful smile stole over his face, erasing all traces of the sorrow they had shared only moments before. "Lizzy, I love you as well!" he declared. "Please, marry me! Let me take you away from your cousin! Let me love you and help you heal! Let me slay your dragons for the rest of our lives!"
Confusion crept into his mind as he saw her smile falter and pain return to her eyes. "Lizzy? What is it? What have I said? Do you not want me?" he asked, releasing her fearfully. Of course she doesn't you daft fool, he thought to himself. She loves you as a friend, nothing more. You've no one but yourself to blame for your assumptions when your heart breaks in a moment.
"No, William! No! Don't ever think that! I do! I do love you! And I do want you! I should like nothing better than to say yes and let you carry me off into the sunset," Lizzy cried, desperately holding his face, horrified that he could ever think that she didn't want him. "But I have a responsibility to my family, to my sisters. I cannot leave them with that monster. And you must finish your education. I couldn't bear to be the cause if Pemberley were to suffer because you left university early for me."
Will's face fell, his shoulders slumped, and Lizzy read the disappointment in his eyes as the logic in her words cut through the emotion of the moment to his rational mind.
"Well," he said. "I suppose we can stay in contact, and maybe...when you're back a few summers from now -" He trailed off at the sight of her shaking her head sadly.
"I'm not coming back, Will," she said gently. "Uncle Gardiner has fought Mr. Collins for his permission for this annual trip each year since Papa died, but he has been unsuccessful in obtaining it even for so much as a visit to his home in London. The only reason my cousin relented this summer was because Uncle Gardiner is to wed Miss Madeline Trent. She insisted that, as she has no surviving female relatives of her own, she required the assistance of my Uncle's 'favorite niece' to prepare for her marriage. It is not a luxury I expect will be repeated anytime soon."
"Oh. Well maybe - " he started hopefully.
"No, Will," she sighed. "The only way I can ever hope to escape him is to marry someone who is in a position to support not only me but also my sisters, and you simply aren't in that position at the moment. You need to finish your education. Your father is ill - yes, the good people of Lambton know and have spoken of it to us. Your sister needs you; she has no one else to rely on. Someday, when you are ready - and if you still care for me - we can revisit the idea."
Heaving a gusty sigh, William pulled her gently into his arms once more, burying his face in the soft cloud of her hair. "You are right," he admitted, "But Lizzy, will you promise me that if I do manage to think of something, you will at least hear me out?"
"I very much doubt that you will, but if you do...I will hear you out," she replied solemnly, looking at the light filtering through the small window beside the door. The sun was well and truly risen by now. "I should go. My uncle will be getting worried," she said, moving to extricate herself from his embrace.
He tightened his hold on her infinitesimally; he had one more question for her before he was willing to part from her. "Lizzy?" he asked. "May I have your permission to seek my father's guidance in this matter?"
She looked at him seriously as she considered his request. "Yes, Fitzwilliam. You may seek your father's counsel. I wish for you to discover a solution to this as much as you do."
He nodded his understanding and with one last glance, filled with all the emotion they had no words to express, she opened the door and stepped out into the early morning light, leaving Fitzwilliam to think on the dilemma they faced.