Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters(other than myself,)Family Guy, Fruit Stripe Gum, Etch a Sketch, or Rebecca Black's 'Friday.'
I was traveling to the Sorel Mansion to visit my cousin, who had been staying there for several weeks. As I neared the residence, I noticed that every window was broken and covered heavily with duct tape and 'RAPHAEL RULZ' was spray painted on the walls in atrocious handwriting. At the door, I was greeted by my cousin, Chance (not La Chance! Dear God, not La Chance!), whom had bags under his eyes, possibly due to sleep deprivation.
"Run…now…" he said, exhausted.
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout?" I said, confused. As the final syllable left my mouth, a handsome, yet crazy looking blonde man entered the room, saying "Strut!" with every step he took.
' Could this be that Raphael person?'
"Marienbard!" he said in a whiny, childish manner."Where's my applej-" The man stopped mid-sentence, mid-stride. "Oh? A visitor?" he said, immediately perking up. He smiled, revealing unusually large canine teeth.
"Wait here!" he said, running up a flight of stairs, tripping every six steps or so.
"Oh, dear sweet God. Better make yourself comfy," Chance said.
'Whatever did he mean? I'm scared! I wanna go home!'
The crazy man reappeared, attempting skateboarding tricks as a futile attempt to make a proper introduction. Sliding down the stairway railing, he lost his balance halfway down, scraping the expensive looking railing and sliding on his groin all the way to the ground floor. The man began to bawl dramatically. Two maids, one with a dark green French braid, and the other with short red hair, came rushing to his aid. They didn't seem surprised; he probably did this all the time.
"All right, who is this guy and what is going on here?" I managed to say through all the commotion.
"This is Master Raphael," the green-haired French maid replied.
"I am Jacqueline, and this is Marienbard. We are his servants," the other added.
"We hope you came prepared. You will be here forever, and ever, and ever, and ever," they creepily said in unison.
A man in a terrorist outfit tried Raphael's stunt, but with a unicycle, giggling uncontrollably. He tried his stunt down the stairs instead of the railing; the seat of the unicycle went into the man's… seat. (Family Guy reference!)
A grumpy looking blonde woman wearing a bathrobe and holding a cup of coffee emerged from a room upstairs.
"Raphael! What did you do this time?" she yelled, sending the man a glare comparable to that of Soul Edge.
*gasp* 'It's that crazy Greek woman!" Chance said.
"Gasp! It's that crazy Greek woman!" Raphael said. (He literally said "Gasp!")
The terrorist man removed the unicycle in right in front of everyone, with no help from the 'busy' maids, and promptly said "Ha, ha!", pointing at Raphael.
"What is he doing?" I whispered to Chance.
"That's Assassin. He can't speak. He just points and laughs. He also watches you in your sleep," he whispered back.
Not wanting to endure this madness and emotional scarring any longer, I turned to the door to find that a man with a dog mask locked it and placed the key in his underwear.
"I'm sorry," he said in a scary, monotonous voice, "Master's orders. All visitors may not leave until the sleepover has officially ended."
"When does it end? When does the madness END?" I asked, horrified.
"That's the best part," Raphael said, suddenly back to normal, "It never ends!"
Something in my head snapped. I ran after the insane man with an animalistic roar. The woman upstairs jumped down and landed between us. Her admirable defensive instincts activated, she pulled up a small shield out from behind a piece of furniture. Shield raised, ready to kill me, I looked into my executioner's eyes. That familiar green…
"Cassandra!"
"Tash? (my nickname) Oh, my gods, how are you?"
I hugged her and replied, "Oh, just permanently scarred. How's your sister?"
"Slutty as ever!"
"Well, that's good to know. I think."
Assassin held up an Etch a Sketch which read 'Sexy Tiem,' but was dismayed to find that the reunion wasn't going exactly as planned. Instead, Cass 'shielded' him on the head. He fell over, writhing around in pain.
"So…this is your boyfriend?" I asked Cassandra, looking over at the man-child who was scratching his rear by dragging it across the carpet.
"Yeah…." She said, embarrassed, looking away.
"Oh, wow, what a catch. Just, wow. You are a lucky woman. Anyway, how do we get out?"
"Ssss…right…there is no way out. If you get anywhere near a possible exit, Raphael will stand in front of it and sing 'Friday' until you leave."
"Darn it! This is gonna be harder than I thought."
"Yeah. You should just make yourself at home."
I banged my head against a wall, as Chance was doing, until sunset.
Raphael called from upstairs, "Let the sleepover begin!"
A small, yet aggravated voice from an unknown source replied, "Not again, Dad! You're just going to hurt yourself!"
'This guy has a kid? I feel sorry for her already.'
"Settle down, Amy! I know what I'm doing, darling."
Raphael ran down the stairs with a radio and stopped outside the room the others and I were biding our time in. He played a song on the radio and ran into the room in a pink dress shirt, socks, and underwear. He tried to slide out in front of us, but failed miserably. He slipped and fell on his face. Unfortunately, he landed in front of me, underwear split, backside exposed.
I tried to look away, but Assassin spelled out, "No! You watch!"
Upon closer forced inspection, he had shaven his backside and legs for his grand entrance; bits of toilet paper were still stuck to him to stop the bleeding.
Assassin was once again laughing uncontrollably. He held up a camera to record Raphael's fail and our reactions.
A red-haired girl wearing a gothic outfit accented with deep red roses walked up to the fallen madman.
"Get up," she commanded. Her voice matched that of the one from earlier.
"But…" Raphael tried to argue.
"Get up."
Raphael started to pout.
"Embarrassing," she muttered under her breath.
"Is he your dad?" I asked Amy after Raphael stomped out of the room.
"He's my adoptive father, but, unfortunately, he's my legal guardian."
Amy's seemingly blank expression turned to one of horror in an instant as she looked out a crevice in the duct tape of a window behind me.
"Hide!" she yelled to everyone.
As we hurriedly found our hiding spots, something big passed by the window. It crashed through the previously locked front door. It was riding an abused kids' three wheeler. It sniffed the air.
It was Astaroth.
'No. Not again.'
Raphael entered the room, fully dressed (thank God,) unaware of the danger.
"Hi Raphael! Wanna play Ting-Ting?"
"Oh, hell naw!" the crazy Frenchman said, getting all ghetto up in here.
He dragged a catapult into the room. It was loaded with empty beer bottles and Fruit Stripe gum, the wrappers missing. Raphael had his servants buy the gum just so he could sloppily apply the tattoos from the wrappers to his arms; he completely ignored the gum. (I can't blame him!)
The catapult completely missed, for a drunk Assassin launched it. The items were sent flying through the hole the giant had made upon entry. Thankfully, Astaroth sensed the movement and followed the useless trinkets.
"Dammit! Ow!" he yelled after he bit down on a piece of glass.
"Ooooo! I'll tell your mommy that you said a bad word!" Raphael childishly teased.
"No!" Astaroth yelled as he hopped onto the tricycle and left, never to return.
"I thought he didn't have a mother," I said.
"He's too stupid to notice," Cassandra replied.
"Let's go upstairs and watch home movies!" Raphael declared as he shoved us all up the heavily damaged staircase and into a room with a television and at least twenty shelves of VHS tapes within.
Assassin proudly declared on his Etch a Sketch that he did all the filming.
The enthusiastic man-child indicated for us to sit down on the floor. He put all the bedding from around the house onto the floor, including pillows, couch cushions, sheets, beanbag chairs, blankets, and even mattresses. He eagerly put in the first tape from the extensive archive , which made me think that we were going to watch every single tape.
Raphael turned off the light switch, sat down next to Cassandra, and put his arm around her shoulder.
The tape started with an even younger looking Amy. She hugged Raphael and said, "I love you, Daddy."
Everyone was commenting on how cute it was, except Chance. He slept throughout all of the tapes. Amy, from the present, blushed. I act the same way when people see my baby photos.
The tape ended when Assassin dropped the camera after Amy kicked him and called him a 'scary man.'
We watched tapes for who knows how long. We pretty much watched Amy's entire childhood and all of Raphael's antics. Finally, we were at the most recent tapes: Raphael's audition tape for a singing show (which caused our ears to bleed,) Amy chasing Assassin with a large piece of broken glass, and our reactions to Raphael's….. wardrobe malfunction. The last tape ended around bedtime about two days after we started.
Everyone took a few pillows and a blanket and went to a room for some much-needed sleep.
Raphael led Cassandra into his room with a strange look in his red eyes.
Chance passed out in the room next to Raphael's.
Amy went to her room, which was on the opposite side of the mansion from Raphael's.
I made a makeshift bed on Amy's floor; she knew that I wanted to stay away from Raphael's room.
I found out that what Chance said about Assassin was true. He lazily dragged a stool into the room and watched us all night. I had no idea why. He munched on salt and vinegar chips and drank root beer directly from a two liter, occasionally dropping something and cursing under his breath. The sound of his crunching and slurping was quite unsettling, as I didn't sleep at all that night.
Of course, even if Assassin wasn't making all that noise, the sounds of Chance snoring or the sounds of moaning coming from Raphael's room would have kept Amy and me awake.
'I'm glad that Chance is a heavy sleeper.'
Amy and I left our beds the earliest out of the group. We sat down in the living room and decided to pass the time until the others woke up by talking, Assassin listening ever so intently from behind some furniture.
He wasn't doing a very good job at being hidden. He giggled whenever we mentioned Raphael's mental illness.
Eventually, Cassandra exited Raphael's bedroom, her boyfriend still dead asleep. She wore a silk robe and a relaxed smile. I really didn't feel like asking what she was doing the night before. Eyes wandering away from Cassandra's, to avoid awkward eye contact, I had a sudden realization.
"Astaroth left a hole in the front door! Cassandra, we can leave! We can finally leave!"
I dragged a half-asleep Chance into the room and toward the light. Cass didn't follow.
"Why are you not coming with us? Has that lunatic brainwashed you?" I asked, astonished.
"No, I actually kinda like it here. Sure, it's an insane asylum, but there's this amazing thing that my boyfriend does with his tongue-"
Thankfully, Raphael showed up and cut her off.
"Cassandra, I couldn't help but notice that you lied to me last night. You see, this says 'Candy Cave'," he said, holding up a pair of panties with the 'misleading' words printed on it, "But there wasn't any candy in there! It was just dark and empty and you made a lot of weird noises!"
'Ewwww'
Cassandra laughed nervously and blushed. Amy face palmed. For some reason, Assassin wasn't present to point and laugh.
To my unpleasant surprise, Sophitia walked out of a room near Raphael. Cassandra and I glared at her, but Chance was too tired to join us.
Raphael blurted out, "Well, if it isn't… Skankity… Skank-Skank!"
Sophitia definitely took great offense to his comment. She jumped onto his shoulders, placed his head in between her legs, and seemingly snapped his neck with an audible crunch. She then hopped off to watch him fall over.
He seemed more disgusted than in pain.
'Well, it was kinda gross, but it couldn't be that bad.'
Assassin walked out of the room Sophitia just exited, the woman's panties on his head and camera in hand.
'Omigodomigodomigod! Ewewewewewww! It must smell horrible!'
Amy and I went pale and Chance and Cassandra threw up in their mouths. Even Raphael didn't deserve that. Once he had finished gagging, he stood up and wiped off his face.
"How foolish of you…..wait for it…..*flips his hair* ….. to anger me!"
He sang the main chorus of every annoying, repetitive, horrible song known to man. We covered our ears and Assassin just left. The cheating cheater's head exploded.
I took this time to grab Chance's arm and run out of the house, briefly saying goodbye to Cass, Amy, and even Raphael. Yes, it was an unexpected exit, but it was possibly our only opportunity. We just couldn't take it anymore.
Along the path leading away from the mansion, we met a group of mercenaries. Their leader, who called himself La Chance, was quit an egotistical jerk. The others in his group were carrying slushies and scratch-off tickets. If the items were for the 'party,' they were way too late.
Chance and I were never so happy to be back home.
Many thanks to Raphael949 for his help and support. Also, I thank ThalieXVII, darkwings13, and JusaanOkami. You guys rock!
I'll probably attempt Talim's village then Mitsurugi and Taki's temple.
Thanks for reading.