Emily could not settle once she had arrived back home, the comment 'nothing that won't heal' whirled in her mind. Although the last time that it had been said was in a letter AJ had written four months before she killed herself.
'I can't do this anymore Emmy. I cannot wake up each day with this pain. You said everyone has a reason to live and I cannot find one, even when I look into Emma's eyes, I cannot seem to find the fight or the will to stay here.
My sister cannot even make me want to hold on.
I promise you one thing though; when I am not here anymore, things will heal in time.
In addition, people will grieve over loss but it is not anything that will not heal, everything heals in time.
Just with me, there is nothing that will heal, nothing that can be fixed.
Because the problem is not something, that can be seen or understood.
Emmy I am drowning, I am stood on the edge of the cliff and all I see is darkness.
You say there is light but we both know you do not always feel that way.
I know you put a front on. Those famous walls you have learnt from such a young age to keep people away from knowing you.
I am grateful that you trusted me enough to allow me to see you. Moreover, that you have shared the things you have.
When I know I will not be able to carry on anymore.
I am saying sorry because I won't be able to say goodbye I can't write you a goodbye note because I will always be in your heart as you have told me so many times.
I do worry about my baby sister she is going through so much, some people are bulling her because of me.
And I am causing that because I am different.
Please find it in your heart to forgive me when the letters stop arriving.
My friend will write to you since we both know my parents open my post just as yours intercept everything you have.
Maybe one day we will have our own homes and we can mail each other properly without the cloak and dagger crap it would be far easier.
I must go now Emmy, remember I do love you and I will always strive to look out for you even though we cannot see each other.
You will find a new family, you will find someone you can love and allow into your heart, and you will know her when you find her Em.
Yours always AJ x'
Emily grabbed her things throwing them into a bag her gut was now over ruling her heart and mind, there was too much similarity between JJ and AJ, the same comment the blank expression upon her face was nearly the same that she had seen in AJ's eyes, the dull blue orbs that seemed duller everyday a vacant expression that screamed to be save.
Emily made her way back towards campus and towards the dorms in a hope that Garcia would allow her inside and that JJ would talk to her. The hallway was quite as she made her way through them pulling to a stop outside room 21 Emily could not help but laugh slightly as she knocked on the door.
She stood there unsure of what reaction she would get for just turning up on their doorstep at this time of night, the door slowly opened to relieve Garcia who was stood looking at her in bright pick pj's what was laced in chocolate cupcakes.
Emily smiled at her friend "Is JJ here?" she asked softly
"In the shower" Garcia said rolling her eyes slightly "I think she lives in that shower some days Emily" Garcia said as she motioned for Emily to take a seat.
"Thanks" Garcia looked at her for a moment
"So what do you want Emily?" she asked kindly.
"I was hoping to talk to JJ" a soft smile ghost her lips as she spoke
"Well you are welcome to wait but she seems to hog it for hours" Garcia replied with a shrug.
"Well I will wait for a little and if not I will catch her tomorrow" Emily said as she watched Garcia. They made light conversation for about half an hour and still no sign that JJ was getting out of the bathroom anytime soon. "Well I guess I should let you get some rest, I will try and catch her tomorrow," Emily said as Garcia got up to see her out.
Damn it why did I have to flinch, how the hell did I let her get so close to me? JJ mused over the questions that were now spinning in her mind. JJ had a few close friends back home that she used to be able to turn, to but they all turned on her when AJ had killed herself. They teased her for as long as she could remember she had always been an outcast, even the few friends she had on the soccer team had turned on her in the end when she won the scholarship.
Emily made her way back home, closing the door behind her as she tried to work out a way of getting JJ to talk to her, to trust her enough to allow her in. Emily wanted to know her not just because of the fact she reminded her of AJ or the fact she had a feeling deep inside her that shouted at her very core there was too much for her to break down.
"What the hell am I meant to do? What can I do to get her to just talk to me?" Emily mused as the need for sleep began to take over.
The drilling of the alarm pulled her out of her sleepy haze, some days she wished she could throw it out the window but this morning she had an history exam to attend, though Emily loved the classes the thought of the exam always filled her with a slight dread, and the ugliness that was going to erupt her morning to become a nervous wreck.
Moreover, the dread of being stuck in the same room for three hours until the bell rung out that would indicate that it was lunchtime and then she could hand in the paper, await the news, and just pray it would be good enough. Sometimes brains were not enough and you needed a sheer amount of luck that you studied the correct material that would appear on the exam and not the ones that you skimmed over.
JJ had spent most the morning doing a pop quiz before heading towards the locker rooms to get changed before her next class began. Her day had started out better than her first few weeks, she found that she was able to converse with Garcia before they parted ways and she had even promised to join them all at lunch in the canteen, which had made Garcia squeal with sheer enjoyment.
Practice was hard and JJ was sore after receiving a bad tackle, which had landed her face down and covered in mud. The girls had sniggered as she tumbled to the ground earning the girl who had fouled her to be sent off and left JJ sitting in the changing rooms placing her things in her bag so she could go and grab a shower in her dorm room.
Slowly she made her way into her dorm she threw a fast glance at the clock seeing she had half an hour left before the bell would ring and she would go and meet up with Garcia, she smiled to herself as the water ran over her washing away all the mud and scum that had gathered on her body from the foul, she had ended up with mud in places she never dreamed the mud could get to but it made sense considering the amount of rain that had fell last night, leaving the ground a bog . JJ quickly got changed and headed out of the dorm.
With only ten minutes to get to the canteen JJ had enough time left to take a slow walk since the bell hadn't gone yet, she could hear the sniggers coming behind her as she made her way down the corridor "Well it looks like she has a wash" someone sniggered.
"Yeah but I doubt she used soap" someone else commented. The next thing JJ knew she was on the ground with a group of girls calling and shouting names at her, she tried to move but every direction was another body in her way unable to move, to get away unable to stand as they towered over her the only thing JJ could do was curl herself up into a ball and pray they would soon leave her alone.
Since her class had all finished their exam they had been allowed to leave instead of waiting for the bell, keeping some 50 or so students locked up in one room could never end well for a teacher who was on their own and with students that hadn't seen fresh air in nearly three hours they broke in to the corridors making their way outside all apart from Emily and Reid who were heading towards the canteen.
"Can you hear that?" Reid said softly as the girls voices grew louder.
"Yes come on let's see who their latest victim is" Emily said with a slight annoyance behind it. Emily and Reid made their way to where a group of girls were gathered.
"What on earth is going on?" Emily growled causing the newest members of the school to ignore her and the ones who knew Emily to back away slightly.
"Emily is that?" Reid whispered as Emily's eyes fixated on the blonde who was curled into herself on the floor. Emily's voice cut the corridor as her blood boiled in her veins.
"Just what the hell do you think you are doing?" this time the anger in her voice caused them to quieten down and move away slightly. Emily's eyes glared at them all taking in their faces "I want each of your names right now and then I will decide if I should get the dean" Emily warned as Reid started making a note of each one he knew or recognized.
Emily walked in-between them all as they began to scatter until she could kneel down next to JJ, gently she ran her fingers through her hair "JJ its Emily come on" JJ flinched slightly.
Emily moved back slightly holding out her hand "Let's go and get you cleaned up" she smiled kindly at JJ who had tears streaming down her face.
She gently took hold of her hand placing JJ behind her "I catch anyone of you near her again, you will all regret the day you crossed me" Emily warned as she guided JJ towards the toilets.
Emily locked the door behind them as JJ ran into one of the cubicles "JJ" she said softly hearing the soft sobs coming from her, "Jennifer" she said again hoping for some sort of response "Talk to me please?" JJ could hear the worry in her voice. She winced slightly as she had fallen to the ground the cuts that had been healing were ripped opened. Emily leaned against the basins as she waited for JJ to answer her. "How bad is it?" she asked softly.
"Doesn't matter and thanks" JJ said through the sobs.
"JJ let me look please?" Emily almost begged.
"I am fine, I just fell that's all" Emily had to fight the urge to roll her eyes but she needed to do something other than stand outside the door and worry.
"I would believe that if I could see your face" Emily said keeping her voice light.
"Why do you care?" JJ fired back.
"I don't believe I've ever said that, but I do care" Emily said as she walked into the stall next to her "Everyone needs a friend at some time in their life, someone they know cares no matter what" Emily said softly as she pulled herself up standing on the toilet so she could look over the partition.
She gasped slightly as she looked down at JJ who was curled in to the corner "JJ what have you done?" Emily said, JJ's eyes were dull and broken as she tried to cover her arms, before looking up at Emily, in fear.