--Chapter Four: To Meet the Duchess, the Dogs, and the Smiley Bastard--

A cottage – that's where the smell was coming from. Just a simple woodland house, not bizarre like the rest of the forest… hell, it was actually refreshing to see something so normal.

Refreshing, but just a bit unsettling too.

So, I approached it. Well, what would you do in this situation if you don't think it's a good idea? I knocked on the door tentatively. Somewhere from inside the house an alarm sounded, reminding me of a cuckoo clock.

"I'll be right there," a voice chimed from inside. The tone sounded familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on where I had heard it before….

There was a lot of rattling all of a sudden – rummaging and shattering and things dropping. Just as I was about to run for my life, the door opened, and greeting me was a beautiful maid, smiling courteously.

…Where have I…?

"Please do come in!" she said cheerfully, walking back inside and leaving the door open for me. "It's been ever so long since I had a visitor!"

The place was absolutely spotless – all of the furniture was moonlight silver, including the walls and kitchen area near the back. The only other color in the metallic-like room was the bright red rugs spread out along the floor, as if trying to hide the silver carpet. It looked like something from a cheap sci-fi movie, not a house in the middle of a wood. Sadly, it seemed I was too quick to jump to a conclusion that this place was normal.

"Please, sit," the maid said, bowing her head. "Oh, clumsy me, I forgot to introduce myself. I am the Duchess, or, I suppose you might know me as Mori Sonou. But please call me the Duchess."

Oh. She's the maid from the island, isn't she?! She's an esper, then, right? Then could she tell me what was going on?

Mori-san giggled. "Oh, what would be the fun if I told you any of the answers?" she said as if reading my mind. Suddenly her smile turned into that of worry, a frown on her face. "I'm afraid I'm a bit preoccupied with something at the moment. My son… er… yes, my son, hasn't returned from his stroll through the forest yet. I'm awfully worried about him…"

You let your son go off wandering through that forest? What kind of mother are you?

Returning to her smile, she asked, "Do you want a cup of tea?"

I shrugged as I plopped down on the couch, almost being eaten by its immense cushions. "Uh, yeah, sure," I mumbled, trying to sit up right.

"Wonderful!" The maid gracefully glided towards the back of the house. She picked up a silver (who could've guessed?) teapot and a fragile-looking red teacup and began pouring the steamy liquid. "I hope you like it, it's a special blend. It took me forever to come up with it, so I hope you enjoy. I was brewing it before, it had quite a nice scent, you should have been—"

Out of nowhere there was a loud cry coming from outside, interrupting Mori-san and jolting both of us out of our quiet conversation. It sounded cat-like… in fact, I think it was a cat, squealing and hissing and spitting. I looked over at Mori-san – she wore a look of complete terror on her face, her eye twitching slightly.

"My boy!" she cried out, tears streaming down her face. "My darling, precious boy! I shouldn't have let him go out! Now the Queen's Dogs are going to get him – eat him alive!" Her eyes became hard and powerful all of a sudden and stopped crying. "Well, not if I have anything to say about it!"

Mori-san charged out the door, screaming wildly. I followed her, lost and completely confused. Outside, a pack of four large, gruesome white dogs were pawing and biting at… well, from this angle, a cowering purple blob. The canines all had a bright red mark, shaped like what resembled a heart, over their left eye… not the most menacing coat, but their fangs and claws sort of made up for that, even at this distance.

"Taste my power, you mangy, stupid mutts!" the maid roared. The dogs lifted their heads up to look up, and what they saw was a giant, white, puffy dress flying straight towards them.

Oh how confused they must have been.

"Take this! And that! Yeah, you better run, you cowards! Hiyah! Tooyahh!" The dogs yipped and screeched as Mori-san began beating the everlasting crap out of them, using methods of karate and kung-fu I've never even seen.

My God, is she like this in real life, or is it just Haruhi's doing?

The purple thing she was defended raised its head, and after seeing the maid, it turned and sprinted (incredibly fast) right past me and into the house.

After whacking the last remaining dog in the nose to shoo it off, Mori-san bolted into the house after it.

"Is my baby boy alright?" she cooed softly as I closed the door behind me. "It's alright, they won't hurt you now. Come on out, it's alright…" She was talking to a large lump under one of the crimson rugs. It shifted nervously, but relaxed, and poked its head out.

"Mew~."

Holy shit.

I backed up against the wall, my mouth agape, as I stared horrified at what sat up and shook the rug off its back, and what Mori-san was practically smothering senseless with hugs and kisses.

It was Koizumi.

Dressed in purple cat ears, a tail, paws, and a long striped pink and purple shirt to match.

What the hell is wrong with this world?!

"Oh, Kyon-kun, I didn't realize you were here." He grinned, which looked a bit more… pronounced than normal. "It's nice you see you, meow~!"

I didn't respond.

Mori-san was tightly wrapped around him, squeezing him so hard his eyes were beginning to bulge out. And, for the most part, he looked quite pleased with himself, smiling wider… was that a fang I saw at the corner of his mouth?!

He quirked his head to the side while his tail swished back and forth next to him, trying not to get squished. "Kyon-kun, what's wrong? You look shocked."

When the hell did you become a furry?!

"…I see." He looked at his paws, and his ear twitched. "Well, I'm supposed to be playing the role of the Cheshire Cat… but, Suzumiya-san seemed to have gone overboard with the costume design." He smiled apologetically and shrugged his shoulders. "Not that I'm complaining or anything."

After Mori-san let go of him reluctantly, he trotted over (dude, stand up on two legs, you're creeping me out more than you normally do) to me and plopped down by my feet. I scooted to the side reflexively. "So how's your adventure so far, mew?"

Tell me what the hell is going on and maybe I'll consider sharing it with you.

"Well, Nagato-san told you where we are already didn't she?" Koizumi lied down as he said this, stretching and yawning. "Have you heard the story of Alice in Wonderland?"

If you're going to start explaining, please do so normally. "It rings a bell, but I don't think I've ever heard it completely. It's an English story, isn't it?"

"Oh. No wonder you're so confused." There was a pause. "Yes, it is a British story. Well, think of it like a play: all of us are playing characters from the story. For example, you are Alice. I believe that Suzumiya-san saw, or read, this tale recently, and was fascinated by it. So, of course, she created an alternate dimension where we can act it out as much as we want."

Koizumi brought his tail towards him and started grooming the tip. (Would you please stop it?! I'm in the farthest corner away from you but you're still scaring me.) "Mmm, she doesn't want to be the main protagonist herself, apparently, for that is your role. My best guess is that she wanted a position with more power, for Alice in the original story is weak and naïve." He managed to say this all between steady licks. "I'm actually a little confused by all of this myself, but oh well, that's Suzumiya-san for you. Usually when she creates spaces with a sort of back-story behind them, unlike closed space, the people already living there are characters she created with her own imagination. However, in this case, people she knows whether they're just random people at school or her close friends are taking the roles of the characters." He stopped talking/grooming and looked up at me. "It's perplexing, and I can't help but feel a little troubled by it. I believe that the others got different experiences when given their role, because Mori-san here told me something different than what I endured… and she seems to have gone through a personality change."

And you haven't?

He chortled, and then turned to Mori-san, who was busy fiddling with her dress in the corner of the room. She noticed the two of us staring at her and smiled warmly.

"I'm sorry, but if you'll please excuse me, I must be going," she said politely, bowing her head. "I've been invited to the Queen's Castle – the Queen herself! What an honor."

It sounded forced.

"Good-bye, Kyon. I'll see you later okay?" She chuckled softly before heading outside, leaving the door open.

…

Wait, now she's calling me Kyon too?!

It was quiet for a few seconds until I felt Koizumi's head on my shoulder. "Kyon-kun, what do you want to do now, meow~?" he asked in an incredibly annoying voice. His ear twitched simultaneously with my eye.

"Get away from me, you moron," I muttered, resisting the urge to kick him as I moved away towards the door. He giggled again.

"I believe I saw the White Rabbit heading towards the Mad Hatter when I was out and about," he said. "Of course, that's quite an adventure. But that's how the story is supposed to play out."

Just get me away from here – away from ninja maids, talking caterpillars, and you.

"Very well." He brushed past me (on two legs, thank goodness) and into the open air. He looked back and had that same anybody-who-trusts-me-is-an-idiot grin on his face. "I'll show you part of the way, or else we might never get out of here."

Whatever. I could care less at this point how I do it, just show me the way out.

And so, after closing the door to the homey cottage, I began following the sort-of-kind-of-not-really cat version of Koizumi through the rainbow forest looking for a certain "Mad Hatter."

Oh, this will be loads of fun.

A/N: Whoa, there was a big-ass paragraph in there. For some reason that doesn't seem right. o_O

While I was on vacation I printed out this chapter and edited it manually. However, soon as I was a hundred percent sure I had copied all the corrections, GUESS WHAT? My computer DIES. Without SAVING. I, needless to say, was pissed off. So there is a high possibility I missed some more grammar issues.

...I still haven't edited out the honorifics, sorry. I'll get around to it, I promise. Eheh. IHOPEYOUENJOYEDDESPITETHAT.