King Rat: Our Kingdom
Author Notes: One week. I could have waited one week to start posting this, and I wouldn't have bloody projects due the Wednesday before I post a chapter! I am so glad next week is spring break. Thanks for the kind wishes on the interview. (No dice, unfortunately, but hey, I tried.)
Review responses!
RodiSquall- I'm so sorry about your pet, I can only hope they're not in pain. Also- Sorry I made Gojyo cut his hair off! I prefer him with long hair too, but sometimes, sacrifices must be made. And yes, I would not have continued this story without addressing the trauma Gojyo faced. He might be able to suppress it, but he will never be over it. As to the frilly aprons... hmmm. Maybe not this chapter, but I'll see what I can do.
Airenya- Gojyo, pregnant again? I don't know about that, two little boys is a lot to handle! Plus, Gojyo only got pregnant last time because Kanzeon Bosatsu wanted to give him the boys back. But hey, who knows what the future will hold? As to Doku showing up, well, the window of opportunity is still open. Oh, and why the guys didn't get any reward- they did. The gods offered them the reward of Paradise. Remember, it was a mission given by the Three Aspects of Buddha, and Buddhism rejects material wealth and worldly goods (even my unfortunately Orientalist ass knows that.) Giving them a financial reward for doing the gods' work would have been kind of hypocritical. Although, they did not take the Gold Card back, and I doubt they will. Sanzo is free to spend as he chooses, but as we've seen, Gojyo and Hakkai are just too stubborn to accept his help. Masculinity, am I right?
KakashiisWifey- Ooh, you called it. I deliberately did not use the term PTSD because not a damn one of the guys would know it, except maybe Hakkai. But yes, when I was researching for this story, I was looking at PTSD, especially at how it would manifest in victims of sexual assault. And yes, I cry at the song too.
Dragon77- Ah, Goku's okay! He's just a little narcoleptic. It must be exhausting, trying to divide your time between Earth and Heaven. I'm sure he'll tell us all about it when he's ready.
Without further ado!
Disclaimer: Nnnnnnnope. Still not mine.
4: Stepping Stones
The next few months, to Sanzo's mind, were a series of side-by-side milestones. He briefly considered writing down the days each one occurred, but he worried that Gojyo might find such a journal and find it unnerving. Still, he did his best to try and remember each one:
Approximately nine weeks after bringing the boys home, while walking through the neighborhood with Yohei in the stroller, Gojyo heard him laughing, saw his eyes crinkle with glee something in his unfathomable little mind. It was brief, but Gojyo was excited enough to roll right back to the house halfway through his route to tell Sanzo. Eiji followed up six days after that, but this time, Sanzo was sure he was giggling because he'd managed to knock the cup off of his privates while Sanzo was changing him.
"Your sense of humor is less sophisticated than theirs!" Sanzo barked as he washed his face and Gojyo tried not to die of laughter.
Four days later, Sanzo got permission to touch somewhere other than Gojyo's shoulder- the leg. Gojyo shivered as Sanzo's hand came towards him, but he seemed relieved when his fingers landed on his lower leg. He rolled his hand to let his palm sit against the muscle, his caress smooth and gentle. He could still feel his skin quivering, and Gojyo covered his eyes with his hands.
"I hate feelin' this vulnerable."
"Then I'll stop." Sanzo moved to withdraw his hand, but Gojyo grabbed his wrist.
"No, I ain't givin' up." He slid Sanzo's hand up to his knee. Sanzo made no motion to rub it, instead simply letting it sit. "You ain't hurtin' me."
"No, I'm not. I will not hurt you," Sanzo added, repeating the assurance.
At eleven weeks of age and on a day where the snow forbade them from going outside, while playing on a colorful blanket Sanzo had gotten for them, Sanzo noticed Eiji putting his hands under his chest and pushing down. "Gojyo, look," he urged quietly. Goku, who had been drafted into sorting laundry, paused to glance over. Gojyo looked up from rubbing Yohei's back, and beamed.
"What are you playin' at, ya little brat?" Gojyo teased as he shifted a little closer to Eiji. Eiji grunted, still pushing his hands down, then rocked his body from his belly to his back. Gojyo's jaw fell. "Hey-"
"That's amazing!" Goku squealed. He dropped the socks in his hand and got on his elbows in front of Eiji. "Roll this way!"
"He ain't done that before!" Gojyo beamed, and he scooped Yohei up into his lap, letting him sit against his back. Sanzo nodded.
"I believe that's the first step in him becoming independently mobile." Sanzo realized he was smiling again, but made no effort to hide it.
"You're gonna be next, kiddo!" Gojyo chirped to Yohei. "You and he are gonna be racin' round the house in no time!" Yohei cooed up at Gojyo, and Gojyo grinned with glee. "Ahh, you guys are gettin' better every day!"
The night after that, Sanzo asked permission to touch Gojyo's back. He repeated the now-familiar mantra, sitting behind Gojyo as he sat at the edge of his bed, facing the window and the crib. "So, are you gonna, like, give me a back rub?" Gojyo asked, glancing over his shoulder.
"I'm not certain we're quite ready for that." Sanzo folded his legs tight under him. "But you may want me to touch your back, or touch you from behind."
"I might be interested, yeah," Gojyo teased, rolling his eyes. "Look, just try me."
"Right index finger, three centimeters left of your spine, midway down your back." He stretched out and tapped Gojyo on the back, just touching the tip against his shirt. Gojyo shivered and jerked away, and Sanzo withdrew his hand. "I did not intend to surprise you."
"N-no, n-n-no," Gojyo stammered, shaking his head. "Just... you just gave me the shivers, is all. Go, go again."
"I promise, I will not hurt you." Sanzo reached out again to touch Gojyo's back. He didn't recoil this time, but Sanzo could feel he was shaking. "I will not hurt you," he murmured. "I love you, and I will not hurt you."
"You ain't hurtin' me!" Gojyo protested, turning around. "Just, it tickles."
"It tickles," Sanzo repeated, frowning.
"Try your palm, not the finger. Just the fingertips makes me shiver." Gojyo grinned.
"I have your permission," Sanzo clarified flatly.
"Yes, dammit, go ahead!" Gojyo turned around again, and closed his eyes.
"I will not hurt you," Sanzo murmured, almost out of habit. He laid his palm flat against the small of Gojyo's back. He could still feel Gojyo shivering, but he soon calmed down, the goosebumps sinking back into his skin.
"Your hand is warm. It feels nice." Gojyo sighed with relief. Sanzo nodded to himself, and withdrew it. "Hey, why'd you stop?"
"Because I don't want to overexpose you. You should react to my touch, at least a little," Sanzo explained curtly. "I'll cease exposure for the moment, and begin after you've had time to relax again."
"Wait, so you're deliberately tryin' to surprise me?" Gojyo turned over his shoulder, eyebrow raised.
"Not exactly. Just trying to ensure you don't become numb to me."
"Oh. That's okay then." Gojyo turned back around, hiding a childish grin. "Touch me!"
It was around this time Sanzo began to consistently stay overnight at Gojyo and Hakkai's house two nights each week.
The next development was entirely accidental. Hakkai had showed Gojyo how to sit the babies up, using pillows and rolled blankets to prop them up. "This will help build the strength in their back muscles, see?" He'd explained, and Gojyo agreed. As such, when playing with them, Gojyo would sit the boys up sometimes, while leaving them on their stomachs the other half- as Hakkai had also instructed, "They're still learning to lift their heads, those muscles are still developing too." On this particular day fifteen weeks after bringing the boys home, Gojyo had entrusted supervision of playtime to Goku while he took the laundry through the washboard.
"Goddamn shit, am I a housewife or what?" He moaned to himself as he hauled the basket past the play blanket and over Goku and Yohei. Yohei was sitting up against the blanket, holding a toy boat as Goku waved a plush octopus at him. Gojyo's foot caught the blanket behind Yohei, knocking it out of place, but Yohei did not topple backwards. Instead, he leaned a little closer to the octopus, jabbing the bow of the boat at it. Goku noticed that the blanket was gone, and gasped.
"Hey, hey, he's sitting up on his own!" He yelped, but the surprise of Goku's voice caused Yohei to fall sideways. He laughed raucously, as Goku panicked. Gojyo rushed back.
"What the hell'd you do to my kid, you bastard?!"
Both Yohei and Eiji laughed childishly as Gojyo scolded Goku and drilled his knuckle against his head, but Gojyo promptly stopped when he saw Yohei sit himself up again. He dropped Goku to the floor and got on his knees to praise him. "Attaboy, kiddo! You're doin' it like a pro!"
Sanzo was pleased to be present later that day when Gojyo tried the same with Eiji. Eiji remained upright for all of three seconds, before falling backwards. Gojyo caught him this time, but still smiled warmly down at him. "You'll get it soon enough," he chuckled.
"It's better than nothing," Sanzo agreed, and fluffed Eiji's hair as he reached to push the pillow back into place behind him.
At seventeen weeks of age, after six weeks of seeing Eiji rolling from his back to his front and vice-versa, as well as three of Yohei doing the same, they took the next step towards mobility, perhaps in the most literal fashion possible. Hakkai had made a few recommendations for how to ensure the twins were developing well, at least as well as he could to their parents.
"They're both sitting up on their own now, aren't they?" Hakkai asked as he flipped through a baby book. Gojyo was washing the dishes, as Sanzo took in a cigarette out the window.
"Eiji does sometimes, Yohei pretty consistently," Sanzo replied.
"Ah. Well, perhaps you should try to start them standing."
"What'cha mean?" Gojyo glanced around.
"You know, trying to pull them up to a stand."
"Sounds cruel." Gojyo wrinkled his nose and turned away.
"It's not. They need to exercise their legs," Hakkai insisted.
"Sure, whatever." Gojyo rolled his eyes. "I don't wanna hurt them, pull their little arms outta their sockets or anything..."
"You won't," Hakkai giggled. "Babies are like rubber, as long as you don't throw them at the wall, they'll be fine. I've met my share of little ones who survived things they perhaps shouldn't."
At this, both Sanzo and Gojyo turned towards one another. Gojyo turned around to Hakkai. "We've talked and decided- you're not allowed to babysit anymore."
"Oh, ha, ha," Hakkai chortled, and he closed the book up. "Have you done any reading?"
"Why bother? They're gonna do stuff when they're ready," Gojyo explained with a dismissive wave of his hand. Sanzo grumbled to himself in thought.
Later that same evening, as Gojyo washed Eiji in preparation for bed and Sanzo was playing with Yohei, Sanzo decided unilaterally to attempt Hakkai's suggestion. Yohei was sitting up, bouncing a large ball between his legs and laughing to himself. Sanzo crept around behind him and crouched behind him. He slipped his hands down and latched his fingers around Yohei's wrist. Yohei grabbed back, his little hand clasped tight around Sanzo's fingers. Sanzo carefully gripped him and gently lifted him up. Yohei whined, and Sanzo quickly put him back down. Yohei bounced his ball away, and futilely reached after it. Sanzo gathered his wits and took hold of Yohei's hand again.
"You're more resilient than that, aren't you?" Yohei looked up at him, eyes barely focused. He lifted Yohei again, cautiously pulling back so that his feet were under him. "There. And now you're standing," Sanzo murmured, and crouched down without moving his arms. "Good job," he congratulated him into his ear. Yohei's knees wobbled and buckled under him, but Sanzo caught him and broke his fall. Yohei giggled, to Sanzo's surprise. He chuckled briefly, and let Yohei sit down before stepping around him and rolling his ball back to him.
"Did you say something, Kou?" Gojyo called to him.
"Nothing interesting." He replied coolly, and leaned a little closer to Yohei. "We can practice before we tell him, right?"
Eighteen weeks after the boys had come home, Sanzo hit something of a wall with Gojyo. He had made progress in order to touch all of Gojyo's back, his legs between the feet and knees, and his shoulder and hands, but though Gojyo was giving permission for him to touch other places, whenever he did Gojyo started to shake and recoil. After consulting with Hakkai during one of their brief path-crossings, Sanzo took up another tact.
"I've made a list of places that I cannot yet touch," Sanzo started, laying a piece of paper on the dinner table. Gojyo had been confused when Sanzo had beckoned him from the bedroom, and he was already uncomfortable with the gist of this exercise.
"You can, you know, I'm giving you permission."
"Yes, but you are only giving me permission because that's what you think I want to hear. I want permission when you are comfortable."
"Fine, whatever." Gojyo snorted. "You made a list?"
"Yes." Sanzo slid the paper towards him. Gojyo silently read it over. "I would like you to rank the areas you are most and least comfortable with me touching."
"I'm okay with you touching me all of these places," Gojyo muttered, shoving the paper back towards him. Sanzo promptly moved it back to Gojyo.
"Please treat this seriously. I want you to imagine me putting my hands on these places. Rank them on a scale of one to five, with one being little to no discomfort and five-" Sanzo suddenly moved around the table and put his mouth directly against Gojyo's ear- "Five is the instinct to scream and piss yourself like you want to right now."
Sanzo rubbed the bruise on his cheek as Gojyo hurriedly filled out the sheet. "I need a drink," he grumbled, and rushed out without his jacket. Sanzo quietly reviewed the markings Gojyo had made:
"Hand- 2. Upper arm/shoulder- 1. Upper leg- 3. Neck- 4. Face- 5. Genitals/hindquarters- 4."
"Unexpected," he murmured to himself, and went to the icebox for a piece of meat.
It took three days for Sanzo to work up the nerve to touch Gojyo again, and he started with the upper bicep. Gojyo didn't react, seemingly withholding it until Sanzo withdrew his hand, at which point he shuddered and shivered.
"Once more," Sanzo offered. "Remember, I will not hurt you." Gojyo did not reply, but he stopped shaking as Sanzo caressed his upper arm. When Sanzo withdrew again, Gojyo lifted his head.
"At least warm your damn hands up," he grumbled, and Sanzo sighed with what sounded like relief.
February came on strong, with windstorms rattling the little cottage almost nightly. Sanzo had started to stay over three nights out of the week, but frequent funerals- the cold was always hardest on the sick and elderly, wasn't it?- were keeping him out of the house and busy during the day. Fortunately, Goku would come to help (which usually meant playing with the babies while Gojyo did chores.) Hakkai was in the house a bit more often as well, occasionally sleeping at the house overnight. It seemed criminals were ill-suited to the cold as well. Thankfully, once February drifted into March, the twins now usually slept through the night, and wouldn't even wake or cry for loud noises anymore, making it easier for everyone to sleep. The only time this ever was a problem was when both Sanzo and Hakkai wanted to stay over the same night.
"Good night, Yohei," Sanzo murmured to the first, who was already asleep at one end of the bed. He kissed the infant just above his eyebrows, and moved to the other end. "Good night, Eiji," he added, and kissed him on his cheek. The wind outside blew, as if to remind him it was still there, and Sanzo put his hand near the bottom of the window. He glanced over his shoulder to Gojyo. "I still feel a draft here," he grumbled. Gojyo groaned from his spot on the edge of his bed, where he'd been filing his fingernails.
"I swear, I keep caulking the damn thing."
"The lock on the window looks like it's broken, too." Sanzo frowned as he jiggled the latch.
"I'll add it to Hakkai's provisions list for when he goes shopping." Gojyo sighed and got to his feet. He kissed each baby, then straightened up and kissed Sanzo on the cheek. "Gonna stay?"
"I suppose so." Sanzo shrugged, then returned Gojyo's affection with a kiss on the lips. "I'll be in the other room, wake me once they do."
"You're sure you don't wanna just stay in here?" Gojyo winked, and Sanzo sighed with dismay.
"You and I both know that's a bad idea." He pulled away, hands at his sides. "Good night."
"G'night," Gojyo murmured as Sanzo turned to leave. "Love you."
"And I, you," Sanzo replied, and closed the bedroom door behind him. Hakkai was finishing putting the dinner dishes away, already wearing his pajama pants (which tonight, happened to have cow spots printed on them) and he turned to Sanzo, eyebrow raised.
"Are you staying tonight as well?"
"I had intended such."
"I see." Hakkai put the dishes down and folded his arms. "Where?"
"Hm?" Sanzo frowned, when he realized what Hakkai meant- he had been sleeping on Hakkai's futon, but he had almost completely forgotten that it was, indeed, Hakkai's futon. The two stared at one another in silent confrontation, until Sanzo sighed and relented.
A few hours later, after Gojyo rolled out of bed and took a shrieking Eiji from the crib, he stumbled out to the den to find Hakkai asleep on the futon and Sanzo on the floor, using the boys' play blanket as a mat and a spare blanket and pillow. He promptly sat up when Gojyo entered. Gojyo chuckled wearily. "You weren't even asleep, were you?"
"I was trying," Sanzo muttered, and got to his feet to help. "Not the easiest thing when your mattress smells like baby spit and old milk."
It was because of this less-than-ideal sleeping situation that Sanzo nearly missed the next milestone. Once the boys hit nineteen weeks of age, Hakkai had brought home high-chairs for the boys to sit in at the table, allowing Sanzo and Gojyo to offer them soft food from a spoon. It had not gone well thus far, with Gojyo having more boiled, mashed radishes in his hair than he'd gotten into either one's mouth- or even both combined. On the second day of this effort, Sanzo was already weary with breakfast. Rice porridge completely covered the front of his robe and Yohei squealing and reaching for the spoon, far too eager to continue his "artwork." He was still exhausted after a poor night's sleep, and could not imagine how Gojyo was maintaining his cool as Eiji splattered his porridge onto the table.
"Come on, kiddo!" Gojyo laughed as Eiji grabbed a handful off the table and threw it at him, laughing the entire time. "How the hell do you do this- where's that goddamn baby book!" Gojyo began to rummage around the kitchen, and Sanzo sighed deeply, loading his spoon with another mouthful of porridge.
"Say 'ah,' Yohei," he yawned, covering his mouth with one hand, and he held the spoon out. Gojyo chuckled.
"Yohei, listen to your Papa!" Yohei turned around when he heard his name, and Sanzo still held the spoon out.
"Yohei, here," Sanzo murmured, and Yohei turned back to him. Gojyo suddenly froze, putting the spoon down. Eiji grabbed it and threw it aside as Gojyo edged closer to Yohei. Sanzo realized what had caught his attention.
"Yohei?" Gojyo said, and Yohei faced him.
"Yohei," Sanzo chimed in, and Yohei turned around again.
"He knows his name." Gojyo grinned with glee. "He knows his name! That's right, you're Yohei, aren't you?" He kissed Yohei all over his forehead, clearly immensely proud. Sanzo, too, smiled, until he realized he'd set the spoon down. Yohei promptly grabbed it and waved it at Sanzo's face, which resulted in a blotchy coat of porridge across his forehead and cheeks.
"Names are fine. We need to work on well-mannered eating habits," Sanzo grumbled, and put his head down on the table.
Sanzo made the next stride with Gojyo two weeks later. Progress had been very slow, even after Sanzo had adjusted his tactics based on the "discomfort ranking" he'd coerced Gojyo into making. He was certain he knew why, as well- he probably should not have attempted to deliberately trigger Gojyo's trauma, and he could not help but feel guilty for it. As such, he hadn't gotten any further than the shoulder. It had nagged at him quite long enough, and so on this night, when Gojyo sat on his bed to wait for Sanzo to start their session, Sanzo instead stood by the crib, facing him but not moving.
"Something wrong?" Gojyo asked quietly, fidgeting in his lap.
"I could ask you the same," Sanzo replied. "I feel like we have made no progress for some time."
"Are... are you mad?" Gojyo frowned, and Sanzo shook his head. "Then what the hell are you getting at?"
"I made a mistake before- I chose to scare you in order to make you listen to me. That was cruel and wrong. I should be punished in some manner for wronging you such."
"What? No, that's not how this works." Gojyo rubbed his brow. "You did something dumb, I ain't gonna beat you up or anything."
"Then how can I help you? I still don't know how to resolve your assumed powerlessness." Sanzo thought for a moment. "Unless..."
"Unless?"
"Dominate me." Sanzo pulled off his shirt, and Gojyo flinched. "What?"
"I... I don't wanna do that!" Gojyo cried out anxiously, digging his hands into his hair. "I can't do that-"
"You mean you don't want to be on top of me." Sanzo frowned.
"You don't like it, do you? You were miserable when I was doing that to you night after night," Gojyo mumbled, head hung. "I won't make you feel like that again. I can't hurt you like that."
"Would I really have let you do that if it hurt me?" Sanzo finally took a few steps closer. "I will not say I enjoyed it, but I did not dislike that experience. Any misery you might have seen was little more than weariness." He started to reach into his pocket for a cigarette, but stopped when he remembered the babies were still in their crib only a few meters away. "I never complained, not once."
"But it's not somethin' you really want." Gojyo interlaced his fingers, curling his knees to his chest.
"Neither do I want or not want it. I want you to be happy. Will making love to me make you happy?"
"No," Gojyo mumbled. "I'd rather jack off than put it in you."
"I understand. Would you like me to do it?" Sanzo peeled off his glove, flexing his fingers. Gojyo's jaw fell.
"You gotta be shitting me."
"No, I wouldn't. I know my hands are still poison, but if you're willing to let me close, I'd be happy to relieve you." Gojyo stared at him, and finally let a smirk cross his cheeks.
"Okay, but if I start getting squeamish, you'll have to use your mouth."
Gojyo shuddered back at Sanzo's first touch, but Sanzo withdrew, rubbed his hands together to warm them, and continued. Gojyo flinched several times, prompting Sanzo to draw back, but after ten minutes of uncomfortable massage, Gojyo finally begged him to stop. Sanzo was kind enough to finish what he'd started, as promised, and he considered the night victorious. The very next evening, Gojyo allowed Sanzo to massage his upper thigh without complaint. He closed his eyes, but smiled.
It was almost appropriate that the snow melted away the very next day, that Spring began, and the weather began to warm. Sanzo began to take the boys out in the stroller one at a time, humming softly as they passed by the trees in bloom. Sometimes, he noticed neighboring housewives staring at him, whispering over their laundry hanging on the line, and couldn't help but bring it up with Gojyo.
"What, you think they're talking about us?" Gojyo chuckled at the suggestion. Sanzo scowled back. "I doubt it. It's not like we're strollin' down the street holding hands. Why don'cha make conversation?"
"Why would I do that?"
"I dunno. I mean, they are my neighbors and all." Gojyo shrugged his shoulders. "We're all kinda in the same boat- mostly broke, lots of their husbands are working on the farms or shit jobs in town, most of 'em have way too many kids for their paychecks. I guess it wouldn't hurt to introduce the kids to them. Boys are gonna need playmates one of these days."
"Playmates," Sanzo repeated, clearly thinking.
The next afternoon, when Sanzo took Eiji out for a walk through the neighborhood, he spotted two women putting out their laundry. He also noticed a small gaggle of children of various ages running and chasing each other in the grass between their houses. He nodded towards them, and one of them giggled as the other waved back.
"Good afternoon," Sanzo greeted them as pleasantly as he could force himself to sound.
"Aren't you the High Priest, Genjo Sanzo?" The giggler asked. Sanzo nodded, and she giggled again.
"Whatever are you doing out here?" The more mature matron asked.
"My companions and I have been sharing responsibilities in raising some foundlings," Sanzo explained plainly, and he lifted Eiji from the stroller under his arms. "This is Eiji." Both women promptly cooed and squealed over him.
"Look at his chubby cheeks! And what beautiful red hair!"
"Oh, I remember when mine were that young!" They prodded and poked at him, both giggling, and Eiji glanced up at Sanzo with an expression that might as well have screamed, 'Is this a joke?' Sanzo chuckled softly, and set Eiji back down.
"Making friends and influencing people already, hm?" He settled him in the seat, nodded to the women, and continued on his way. He couldn't help but admire how easily Eiji could make friends. 'Perhaps,' he thought, 'it's easier when you're cute.'
After hearing of this successful introduction, Gojyo tried the same thing the next day with Yohei in the stroller. He spotted a few of the housewives gathered around the well, each with a baby strapped to her hip. He waved to them cheerfully, grinning, but when the trio noticed him, they did not wave back. They stared. He realized it may not have been a good idea to stop, chewing his lower lip as he passed them by. He could hear some of their whispered gossip as he passed the well;
"Where did he get-"
"You think he knocked up one of his one-night-stands?"
"Which one? I don't think I've even seen him bring a girl home lately-"
"You know, I heard a rumor about his kind-"
He made quick tracks for home after that. "My neighbors know me too well to make friends with now," he lamented to Yohei. Yohei didn't seem to mind, instead gazing curiously around at the flowers in bloom and the birds singing in the trees. Gojyo smiled as Yohei focused on a butterfly. "Must be easy, not having to worry about that sort of stuff. You'll make friends eventually, kiddo."
It was a few weeks into April that Sanzo discovered that the children were a bit more observant than he would have expected out of six-month-olds. It was one of the nights where he decided to go back to the temple after bathing the boys for bed, and he was finishing the night by putting the two to bed. "Good night, Eiji," he said softly, tucking the blankets down tight. "Good night, Yohei." He kissed both boys on the forehead. He realized that Yohei's eyes were wet, ready to cry. "Hm? What's wrong?" He touched Yohei's forehead- it felt cool. He knew he'd just fed and changed him, and he didn't smell the need for another diaper change. "Don't cry," he murmured, and wiped his tears dry. "I'll be back in the morning." He kissed Yohei one last time, and gazed down at him in thought for a lingering moment longer. Yohei lifted one chubby hand and waved "bye-bye," and Sanzo almost laughed. "You... you learned how to do that saying goodbye to me, eh?"
"Well, you leave when you gotta," Gojyo replied as he entered, Hakkai's baby book under his arm. Sanzo sighed, and Gojyo cocked his brow. "Hey, stop me when I'm wrong. You know you're welcome here."
"I can't stay every night."
"Why not?" Gojyo crossed his arms and scowled. Sanzo did not reply, but shook his head. "Ugh, fine. I'll..." He sighed. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Of course," Sanzo murmured, lowering his eyes, and left. Gojyo sank to his bed, and listened as Sanzo opened and shut the door. Eiji began to cry, and Gojyo started, confused.
"Kid, you ain't cried over noise in weeks," Gojyo muttered as he got up. Eiji kept crying, even when Gojyo picked him up and bounced him. He cried and cried, and Gojyo couldn't begin to imagine why. "You- both of you!" He realized that Yohei had started to sniffle as well. He held Eiji on one shoulder and took Yohei on the other. "Come on, guys, calm down. Daddy's here. Daddy's here, Daddy loves you." He hugged them both as best as he could, even as Eiji wailed and Yohei whined into his ears.
It took him twenty minutes to calm them down. Problematically, the same routine was repeated the next night Sanzo left after the twins had been put down. This time, Gojyo had the presence of mind to run to the door and call Sanzo back.
"What's wrong?" Sanzo demanded as he rushed back in and rounded the hallway into the bedroom. Almost instantaneously, the boys' crying turned into babbling, and both of them reached out to him. He frowned. "They-"
"They're crying 'cause you leave!" Gojyo declared, and picked up Eiji. Eiji calmed quickly, staring at Sanzo over Gojyo's shoulder. "Can you at least stay 'til they fall asleep?"
"Yes." Sanzo took up Yohei and settled himself on the edge of the bed. Gojyo leaned against the wall, swaying to comfort Eiji, and Sanzo began to sing softly. Gojyo could only catch a few words of it, and he couldn't recognize it at all. Still, it seemed to calm the babies down, and Gojyo couldn't complain.
After that night, Sanzo had to sing the twins to sleep before he left, helping prevent any bouts of separation anxiety. He also started to stay over four nights out of the week, made much easier by the fact that he didn't have quite as much to do around the temple and Hakkai was busy and out of the house again. It made the boys' problem about one-fourth less serious. The boys were growing faster than ever, and with secret training from Sanzo, they were starting to stand upright with only a little support, and sitting upright at will. They had also started to make more cogent sounds, forming syllables rather than shrieks. Gojyo's ears were ever perked whenever he heard "Da" come out of either mouth. However, it seemed that the adults were not the only ones they were communicating with. In mid-May, when the boys marked their seventh month, Gojyo and Sanzo saw something somewhat extraordinary.
It was playtime, and Goku was sitting and playing with the babies while Sanzo folded laundry and Gojyo was outside with a cigarette. Hakkai had brought home a set of stacking blocks in colors and shapes, and Goku, Yohei, and Eiji were sitting in a line, each working on their own tower.
"Mine's biggest," he bragged to Yohei on his left. Yohei looked up at him and laughed. He then reached over and pushed Goku's tower over. Goku squawked indignantly. "No fair! Cheater!" Eiji laughed at this, and grabbed some of Goku's blocks. Gojyo came back inside as Goku started trying to take his blocks back. He joined in, kneeling on the ground in front of the three.
"Hey, Daddy wants in!" He chirped, and took a few blocks from each of them.
"Hey, jerk, I was here first!" Goku whined. "I'm better than you at it anyway!" Gojyo snickered and started his tower.
"Nope, Daddy's the fucking champion of block towers."
"Watch it, you know they're listening," Sanzo warned from his seat on the futon.
"Whoops." Gojyo smirked as his tower passed Goku's in height. Over his blocks he noticed that Yohei and Eiji were catching up. He also realized that each were trading looks at the other's tower. He also realized that they were looking at one another. "Hey, Kou, you think these two know each other is there?"
"Why wouldn't they? They've shared a bed every night their entire lives," Sanzo shrugged.
"Well, yeah, 'cept I was looking at that baby book Hakkai got, and it was talking about something called 'object permanence.' Maybe they don't know each other yet." Gojyo backed away and watched the babies playing, and Goku cocked his head curiously.
"What is that?"
"Uh..." Gojyo scratched his chin. "It's kinda depressing, really. When babies are real little, they, uh, kinda forget things are there when they can't see them. So, whenever I left their view I stopped existing, and the next time they saw me I was completely new, at least in their heads. It's supposed to be around like three months or so they get the 'permanence' thing straight, so when Daddy vanishes and comes back, it's still the same Daddy."
"Hmph. Babies live in an existential crisis, do they?" Sanzo sounded disabused at this.
"Well, yeah, but that might also be the reason they started crying whenever you leave, too," Gojyo pointed out. "They started noticing Papa was gone." Sanzo scowled and continued folding the laundry with sharper motions. "But it was pretty rare that they were apart, so maybe having one another there all the time might'a confused them," Gojyo continued to Goku. "According to the book, they only realize they're kind of a separate entity when they're about three months too. I wonder if they know the other is a separate entity, if either one of 'em knows he has a brother."
It was at this moment Yohei chose to reach over and shove Eiji's tower to knock it over. Eiji shrieked and yelped, and knocked over Yohei's tower in response. Yohei began to cry and scream until Gojyo yanked him off the ground and put him in the corner.
"Little bastard, don't mess with your brother! You earned that!" He put Eiji in the opposite corner, leaving both infants to stare at the wall and cry. Goku burst out laughing. "What the hell's so funny?!"
"Dude, Yohei totally knows he has a little brother, and Eiji has to know he has a big brother! They're picking on each other and everything!" Goku observed gleefully. Gojyo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, though chuckling under his breath.
"I guess they do know."
"Interesting," Sanzo murmured. Gojyo turned and realized that Sanzo, too, had been smiling behind the laundry.
The nighttime, now that the boys were mostly sleeping six hours at a stretch, had seen some developments over the months as well. Sanzo had started breaking down more and more walls with his touch-reassurance each week. Most nights were spent in review, but Sanzo counted a new "conquered territory" for each week. Gojyo's upper thighs had been desensitized, his shoulders and upper arms were completely open to touch, his upper chest was fair game, his hands garnered almost no surprise, and he didn't even mind when Sanzo touched his back. Sanzo had narrowed Gojyo's flinch zones to four areas- his neck and face, his rear upper thighs, his genitals, and his stomach. Sanzo had first been surprised that brushing his fingers against Gojyo's navel (an accident made while touching his thigh) had elicited a shriek, that Gojyo scooted as close to the wall as he could, curled in the fetal position, even as Sanzo swore and pleaded:
"I love you, I won't hurt you! Please don't be afraid of me- what did I do?"
It made perfect sense in retrospect- Sanzo distinctly remembered how disgusted Gojyo had been when talking about the last man who had touched his stomach. He was certain to mention it to Hakkai the next time the two crossed paths, early the next morning. "I don't know how it got this bad," Sanzo admitted wearily.
"Because we let it sit," Hakkai replied somberly, and Sanzo lit up a fresh cigarette. "The issue was there almost immediately after the trauma, but because neither of us took action to correct it, he tried to fix himself by rationalizing everything. Things like, 'If nobody touches me, nobody can hurt me.' The problem is that it can go both ways, such as 'If someone touches me, they are going to hurt me.'" He sighed as he thought. "And areas that were violated are going to be more sensitive, they're going to have a higher trigger. I imagine he grabbed Gojyo by the face or neck, and of course he'd be terrified if you touch his middle. That was probably the area violated the most." Hakkai smoothed his hair back from his face and gazed down the road as he thought. "May I have one?" He held his hand out, and Sanzo passed him a cigarette and his lighter. He lit it and took a long drag. The cherry illuminated the wrinkles under his eyes. "You will still need to desensitize his stomach before you can be fully intimate with him again. After all, who knows where your hands might wander?" Sanzo rolled his eyes, as Hakkai took another long drag. "Keep your patience. You've made too much progress to panic now." He finished the cigarette with another soft sigh, and turned to make his way down the steps. "I'll be back for dinner, with any luck."
"You've been here all of half an hour," Sanzo pointed out.
"Has it been that long?" Hakkai glanced at the rising sun. "Hm. I'd best be on my way then."
"You can't keep doing this to yourself," Sanzo urged. "Your situation can't be this bad-"
"I honestly haven't had time to count our nest egg," Hakkai replied briskly. "But I know we spent more than we made over the winter, and I don't want to risk being without some form of buffer. Please do not offer assistance; I really am quite fine." He smiled his usual polite smile and was on his way before Sanzo could further protest.
Sanzo decided an extra step was necessary before he could continue the regular approach. That night, after the boys were asleep, Gojyo collapsed onto his bed, wiping his brow. "Man, they really know how to wear me out," he laughed softly, and ran his hands through his hair. "You stayin' the night tonight?"
"If you want me to." Sanzo sat on the edge of the bed.
"Well, yeah!" Gojyo grinned.
"Let's talk first." Sanzo crossed his legs butterfly-style under him and cupped his hands over his feet. "Last night, I hurt you. I'm sorry for that."
"Nah, I shouldn't have freaked out," Gojyo dismissed him quickly. "Did you wanna try and touch me again?"
"Not until we get things out into the open. We still can't go all the way because while you are willing to let me touch you, we haven't really discussed the root of all this." Gojyo straightened himself up, and Sanzo briefly glanced at him. His hair had started to grow back out, hanging around his ears in a shaggy mop, but it didn't hide the sorrow on his brow. "You, on some level, are still afraid of me."
"Kou, I ain't-"
"You still see some of your old nightmares in me. Can you at least admit that?" Sanzo turned and glared at him, and Gojyo jerked back, stunned.
"You really think I still th-"
"Yes."
"What a pain," Gojyo grumbled, slouching forward. "Look, I admit- I used to think some of that stuff." He forced himself to look at Sanzo. "But the longer we've gone on, the better it's been. I... I guess watchin' you with the boys has made me feel better." He grinned. "You get that smile on your face every once in a while. It kinda reminds me that you've been changing, you ain't as stiff as you used to be. It's not creepy, like it was when he smiled at me. I know you only do it when the boys do cute shit, but it reminds me that you're you, and that you do l-" he stopped, and edged back. "This is embarrassing you, ain't it?" Sanzo shook his head, and Gojyo lowered his eyes. "But you do love us." He crawled a little closer, and gave Sanzo a peck on the cheek. "And you love me." He settled himself next to Sanzo, took his wrist in his hand. "Even if you did hurt me before, I can't hold it against you." He tugged Sanzo's arm out, and smiled peacefully. "You are my lover, and you will not hurt me." He touched Sanzo's fingertips to his cheek, making himself shiver, but as Sanzo took the initiative to rub his cheekbone, he relaxed. "You..." He gulped nervously. "You will not hurt me." He moved Sanzo's hand down to his stomach, letting it rest at his waist, and let Sanzo's wrist go. Sanzo, stunned, couldn't move, and Gojyo's smile shifted to a smirk. "What, you checkin' out my abs or something? Man, I always knew my body was a temple, I might as well get a priest on there!"
Sanzo withdrew his hand to put his face in his palm. "You're... you're a special kind of stupid, aren't you?"
"I'm your favorite kind of stupid, asshole." Gojyo leaned forward, chin rested on the back of his hand. "So, I'm kinda tired, but you wanna play cards or something?"
"No, I'd rather..." Sanzo realized his hand was creeping towards Gojyo, and saw Gojyo's hand come out to meet it. The two met eyes, understanding silently passing between them.
"Okay," Gojyo agreed.
The two lay, hand in hand, on Gojyo's bed. Gojyo was asleep in only a few moments, but Sanzo stared at the ceiling, pride keeping him awake.
'He wants to sleep with you,' he reminded himself. 'He wants you to be here. You really have come a long way, haven't you?'
In the summer heat, shortly after Gojyo marked the boys' eighth month, the little family was reminded that forward motion was not just for the parents. Sanzo was out of the house, and Gojyo was cleaning the bottles while the boys were playing with their toys laid on the colorful blanket. He was making sure to peek over his shoulder every other minute to be sure neither of them were causing trouble. He stopped cleaning when he realized Yohei was not where he had been a minute earlier- he was instead on his hands and knees, gazing innocently towards the door. Gojyo put his things down and casually strolled over to the futon, looking over them as Yohei put one hand in front of him and then moved the opposite knee to match it, and began to bring himself forward.
"Holy shit, camera, camera, camera!" Gojyo exclaimed to himself as he dashed from the room and dug the camera out of the dresser. He rushed back, and saw Yohei had halted again. He was gazing around in serene wonderment, as though he himself were as amazed by his forward mobility as Gojyo. "Hey, do that again," Gojyo urged him, and got down on his knees in front of him. Yohei turned to him, blue eyes wide as they fixated on him. Gojyo instinctively knew what he had to do. He threw his arms wide. "Come to Daddy!"
When Sanzo got back from the temple, he was greeted at the door by Gojyo, who grabbed him around the shoulders, planted a kiss on his cheek, and bounded around him. "Watch the boys, I'll be back in a while!" Sanzo tried to speak, but was left with his hand out and his mouth open as Gojyo dashed out of view down the street towards town. He could only shrug to himself and went in. The twins were taking a nap in the crib, and Gojyo had left the morning paper over his pillow. He sighed, and made himself comfortable.
An hour and a half later, Gojyo arrived back and rushed to find Sanzo exactly where he'd expected him to be- reading the paper while sitting on the edge of his bed. "Sorry I had to run out, it was important." He yanked an envelope out of his pocket. "You won't believe what I had to go through to get the darkroom guy to develop the film this fast."
"You had to develop the camera?" Sanzo frowned. "I didn't think it was full."
"It wasn't. Had like seven shots on it. But they were really good ones!" He beamed and took out the latter three photographs. "Look, look!"
"Fine," Sanzo grumbled, and looked at the first photograph. Yohei was on his hands and knees, reaching for Gojyo and the camera. "Ah. Impressive." He looked at the next photograph- Yohei still on hands and knees, closer, smiling widely. "Hm." He turned to the last one- Yohei looking directly into the camera, part of his thumb on the lens.
"He did all that on his own," Gojyo informed Sanzo. Sanzo whipped his head around to look at him, and Gojyo beamed eagerly. "He just came to me!"
"He was crawling." Sanzo reiterated, running his hand through his hair anxiously. "Was this the first time?"
"Hell yeah!" Gojyo beamed, just shy of bouncing. "He did it all on his own!"
"That's... that's fantastic." Sanzo sighed, covering his eyes as his lips stretched across his cheeks. Gojyo grinned.
"You're doin' it again."
"Hm?" Sanzo looked back at him, his expression returning to neutral. Gojyo chuckled.
"Never mind."
Eiji began to crawl the very next day, but this time, Sanzo was there to watch, which promptly turned into a contest:
"Okay, put both of 'em over there, side by side." Gojyo crouched at the far end of the room, and Sanzo held both boys by the back of their shirts. "Let 'em go on my mark."
"Whatever you say. Hold still, Eiji," Sanzo sighed to the boy at his right hand. Eiji squirmed, trying to crawl anywhere but where Sanzo was facing him.
"Wait til they calm down a little!" Gojyo laughed, and held his hands out. "Okay, let them go. Come to Daddy, guys!" He patted the floor, beckoning them, and both boys perked up and began to make their way towards him. Sanzo rose and walked alongside them.
"Eiji's in the lead," he murmured, keeping a slow pace beside them. Eiji suddenly looked to the left, distracted by some sound, and Yohei inched ahead. "Ah, Yohei in the top spot."
"They're comin' round the bend!" Gojyo hooted as Eiji turned back to try and follow Yohei. Yohei stumbled again, and Eiji overtook him.
"Ah, Eiji in the top spot," Sanzo observed, and halted as Eiji reached Gojyo. Gojyo scooped him up, prompting a squeal. Yohei was only a second behind, and Gojyo grabbed him too.
"Good job, boys!" He beamed, hugging them both. Sanzo coughed into his hand to suppress a chuckle.
"We have our winner," Sanzo added, crouching down to touch his nose to Eiji's. Eiji cooed happily, and grabbed some of Sanzo's hair. Sanzo laughed aloud this time as he pulled away, and Gojyo grinned right along.
"I say they both win!" Gojyo grinned. "Now, what's their prize?"
"Hrm." Sanzo tilted his head, considering the boys. "I think a diaper change."
"Oh yeah, that would be good, wouldn't it?" Gojyo chuckled, and Sanzo knelt to pick up Eiji. They carried the boys into the bedroom, almost in unison, as Eiji babbled aloud happily. Sanzo couldn't help but feel he knew he'd won.
As Sanzo put Eiji down to change him, Gojyo hung near the window, bouncing Yohei in his arms. Yohei laughed and waved his hands, and Gojyo looked into his mouth. "Hey, I think he's getting a tooth!"
"Oh?" Sanzo glanced up briefly, as Eiji wiggled on the table, still chattering to himself.
"Yeah, I see a little lump in there. Bet he'll be ready for solid food soon!" Gojyo grinned.
"Might be teething soon, too," Sanzo observed.
"Ahh. Yeah, I guess we oughta get ready for that, too," Gojyo muttered, glancing down. He noticed something small and shiny on the ground under the window, picked it up and pocketed it. "Well, who knows what they'll do next?"
"Mhm. They really have come a long way." Sanzo sighed softly, contently, and he set Eiji down on the ground. "Pass." He opened his arms, and Gojyo passed Yohei. He took the opportunity to examine the metallic piece in his pocket. It looked distinctly like the window lock, except it looked like it had been chewed on or crushed. He put it back in his pocket, and turned to Sanzo.
"Who knows where we're gonna end up next?" Gojyo chuckled to himself, smiling at Sanzo's back, then glancing down at his feet, where Eiji was tugging on his pants leg. "We've come so far already."
"So we have," Sanzo agreed, hiding his smile behind his turned head and flat tone. "And the path ahead is clear."
End Notes: So, for the next two chapters, I'm having a little dilemma. See, I had planned for the next installment to be shorter, but because you all are so damn patient with me, I was going to give you a little treat and break my two-week waiting period on it. The question is, how exactly should I arrange it? Should I wait two weeks to post 4.5 and post 5 the week after that, or post 4.5 next week and post 5 two weeks after that? Opinions are welcome!
Thankfully, next week is my spring break, meaning I (in theory) get extra time to write! I'll even drop you guys a hint now: the title of chapter 4.5 is "Tempest."
With all that said:
Like it? Hate it? Review!
Questions, comments, suggestions? Review!
Until next time!