A/N: Ubetaed! Because I'm an impatient egotist! This is the first chapter to take place chronologically after 'Cruelty' Warnings for masturbation and implied sexuality, sort of. This is why I rate things M. Enjoy!

Sympathy

Envy's breakdown after our last session weighed heavily on my mind. Part of me wanted to end it there, let the illusion shatter and with it our twisted concept of a relationship. As I turned the events of that day over in my mind I realized the illusion had shattered, but not the way I first thought. Envy had shown me his true face, session after session he had been chipping away at his mask, whether he intended it or not. Could he have planned it from the beginning? Was he taking care of me this whole time so I would eventually be strong enough to be a shoulder for him to cry on? That seemed a little too well planned for Envy, but that's how it had happened all the same.

I was stronger now, I was calmer, happier, all the pent up guilt and self-loathing wasn't there to turn into anger anymore. Everyone had noticed, Al didn't ask about it, too pleased at how much happier I was to question the source. Roy hadn't asked directly, but I knew he was trying to figure it out and I knew he had figured out Levi was connected, but I was pretty sure he didn't know the whole truth of the matter. The only guilt I was unable to extinguish was that which came from having to hide this from Al. I couldn't do that to him though, I already saw on the expressionless mask of his face how it tore him up inside when he saw me hurt, there was no way I could explain to him that this is what I needed.

That fear fresh in my mind I peeked out the door, Al wasn't home, I still kept my coat on as I headed to the bathroom to grab a shower. I wasn't sure if he had noticed that I had started taking great pains to make sure I was always fully dressed around him, he hadn't brought it up, though I could tell he was a little suspicious that I started wearing a long sleeved shirt to bed. I closed the door and started getting undressed, admiring my wounds in the mirror. Most of the bruises on my upper body had faded to a just a slight yellow discoloration, but my stomach and lower back still had a few big, angry purple ones. My face flushed a bit as I traced the bite marks down my arm and torso, remembering the sharp pressure of Envy's teeth, the teasing caress of his tongue. I hurried into the shower, knowing I had precious little time before Al inevitably returned, and while I hoped he wouldn't just barge in on me in the shower, best not to chance it.

As the hot water beat down on me the welts and closed cuts on my back and chest began to sing a sweet chorus of remembered pain. As each old injury came to life the events that caused them flashed through my mind, nails, fists, teeth, whips, all of them were on me again all at once. I shuddered and groaned as my body responded, I had long since stopped thinking it wrong how much this turned me on. As I lathered the soap over myself I spent more and more time going over my erection until I was shamelessly jacking myself in the shower. Shamelessly, that was the word for it. I can't remember when it was exactly but I had stopped feeling ashamed of this, there was nothing inherently wrong with what me and Envy did, I asked for what he did to me, and he did it gladly, we didn't owe each other anything. It was perfect equivalent exchange, we both got what we wanted from each other, and while I didn't know enough about his life to say if it was making him happier in the long run, I couldn't deny it was making my whole life easier. I braced myself against the shower wall as my knees started to go weak. I remembered Envy's face, his voice, his lips and teeth as he took me in his forceful not-kiss. I sped up, my breathing was becoming shallower and quicker as the inevitable approached. I remembered his hands and nails running over my body, his chest pressed against my back. I bit my lip to try and stifle my moans, I didn't want Al to hear if he had come home without me noticing. I remembered how he held me gently afterwards, how warm and safe I felt in his arms. Tremors shook my whole body as I tensed and released, my legs almost buckling underneath me. Strength flowed back into them after a few moments and I finished my shower. As I stepped out a familiar thought swam through my head. Envy had been my dom for over a month now, and every time I found myself satisfying the need he wouldn't, I wished more and more that he would. There was no getting around it, I wanted to have sex with Envy.

I clapped my hands and the water still on me billowed off as steam. Pulling on my clothes, that thought stayed with me. I wasn't even totally certain of Envy's gender, I found myself unable to be bothered by that though, I wanted his hands on me, his lips, I wanted to touch him, feel him against my body. Dammit I just took care of this, aren't I supposed to get a grace period or something? I hurriedly buckled my belt, hoping my pants would obscure my desire until it receded. I must have been more distracted than I thought, I pushed open the door before even pulling my shirt on and saw Al sitting across the coffee table from me, reading from a pile of books he'd just acquired. Hurriedly I tried to pull my shirt on before he saw me, but I saw him look up as the door opened and knew it would be too late. "Brother I- What happened to you!?" His frightened yell made me wince under my shirt as I pulled it over myself, I had no idea what to say to him.

"It's nothing, forget it." I said dismissively, knowing he wouldn't, but hoping anyway.

"Those bruises are huge! What the hell happened?" His concern was growing into anger at my dodge. I let out a sigh as I pulled on my jacket. I was not prepared for this, stupid and shortsighted I know, but I had just hoped I could keep this a secret forever.

"Al, please, don't worry about it. I'm fine." I tried my best to just placate him and push this aside, heading to my bedroom to grab my coat and just go. A steel hand closed around my own and I found myself staring into burning eyes.

"I am not letting you just brush this off, you're not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what happened to you!" I forgot how terrifying Al could be when he was angry, and his grip was strong enough to back up his threat. I dropped my gaze from his and slumped, I knew there was no getting around this, may as well just resign myself to it, more lectures, more yelling, more judgment, more shame, then a call to Envy for more pain so I could forget about it all again.

"Al, I… it gives me an outlet, ok? You know how tough this has been on both of us, losing mom, your body, then Nina, now Hughes…" My voice started to crack, my eyes were stinging but I forced it all back, I had to be strong for Al, I couldn't break down in front of him, but how could I not? When he had just seen how badly I'd already broken. "It's never anything serious, it just looks bad." I swallowed my pain and anger like soured meat, trying desperately to sound a little upbeat. Al's hand loosened and pulled away, apparently he was satisfied I wasn't going to bolt but I knew from his pensive stance that the discussion was far from over.

"Is this about punishing yourself? You think you deserve it?" There was still anger in his voice, but I could hear him trying to understand, or at least make sense of what I told him. I deliberately left out the guilt aspect, hoping to keep it ambiguous but there was no hiding from Al. I shook my head, still unable to face him.

"That's not it, it's just… dammit Al don't make me do this! You've seen how much better I've been! Can't you just let me have that?" I was pleading with him, hoping I could get him to drop this before I broke down completely, the tears were already starting to well up again. He slumped a bit like he was sighing, then knelt down in front of me, still frustratingly taller than me. He put his huge hands on my shoulders and I could feel his gaze on the top of my bowed head.

"Ed, look at me." He commanded quietly, I got the feeling he wouldn't give me the choice in another moment so I did. Looking into Al's face was always slightly disturbing, especially when he was angry. Only his eyes changed with his expression, leaving the rest of his face a blank slate to project whatever I thought he was feeling onto it. Right now all I saw was judgment, pity, but I knew it was only because what he actually felt couldn't be expressed on the cold steel. "I know you blame yourself for all of those, and I know I can't just convince you that you shouldn't, but I can't just let you hurt yourself. There's got to be a better way!" His voice was becoming desperate, his grip on my shoulders tightened slightly. He knew I needed this, but he was scared, as I started to understand that I felt some of the tension ease. I put my hand on his gently, even though he couldn't feel it I hoped it would reassure him.

"Al, I'm not hurting myself, I… I have someone who does it for me, they take good care of me, keep me from hurting myself, even when that's what I think I want." I tried to sound comforting, reassuring, even as I saw shock brighten his eyes as I spoke. "Please trust me on this Al, and please don't tell anyone else." I knew it was a lot to ask, but I couldn't have Winry or Mustang find out about this. Al could understand this, understand me, and as much as I cared about the others, no one else would. His glowing eyes narrowed somewhat, I could tell he wasn't quite satisfied yet.

"Let me see them again, I…I'll trust you if I can see they're not that bad." He said hesitantly, I could tell he was almost as uncomfortable as me at the idea. I nodded curtly, shrugging out of his grip and pulling off my jacket and shirt. It wasn't even shame or embarrassment that made me hesitate, just knowing he would worry about me was enough to twist my stomach into knots. He stared intently at the large bruises on my stomach, prodding at one of the bigger purple ones experimentally. I didn't flinch. "It doesn't hurt?" He asked, more surprised than concerned now.

"Not really anymore, don't go punching it or anything, but like I said, he takes good care of me." I said with a hint of pride, trying not to feel awkward as my little brother prodded at the evidence of my sessions with Envy.

"Who does it?" He tried hard to keep any suspicion out of his voice, innocent curiosity being his most convincing mask. I knew he wouldn't let that one go either, he was as protective as I was after all. I bit my lip as I struggled with the answer.

"It's… It's Nathan." I replied awkwardly. He'd met Envy's cover identity before and knew we were friends, they actually got along pretty well. He nodded at my answer, as if it was what he was expecting.

"…Is this all it is or are you two…" It always caught me off-guard when Al got embarrassed and shy, reminding me that he was still a fourteen year old boy inside that giant suit of armor. I blushed a little myself as he asked, I wasn't totally sure how to answer.

"Ah we uh… well we haven't yet, but I…" I couldn't suppress the smile as my blush deepened. "I do care about him, and I think we might…" I let myself trail off, knowing Al probably didn't want to hear about my sex life. I was about to have a sex life! That thought sent a thrill down my spine. Al looked me in the eye again.

"As long as you're careful brother, I don't want you to get hurt, emotionally at least since you clearly seek out physical pain." His tone was somewhere between chiding and teasing, I almost said something but he continued before I could. "I'll trust you though, you have been so much happier and less angry recently, I can't deny that this is doing something good for you, and if you and Sgt. Levi are going to… well I guess I'll trust that you know what you're doing with that too." I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding, instinctively I reached over and hugged Al tight.

"Thanks Al." I whispered, hoping my meager words carried the weight of what he'd done for me. As his arms closed around me, I got the feeling they did.

I could never stand pity, I hated having people worry over me, especially my brother. This wasn't quite the same thing though, he'd been through the same things I had, he knew pain and suffering as well as me, as well as anyone I would imagine. He didn't show me pity like everyone else did, behind their hands and smiles and doors, no Al showed me something I could actually treasure, something only he and Envy could possibly show me. It was something borne of knowing what real pain was. It was sympathy.