Explanations Are Hard
By Concolor44
. . .
. . .
[Author's Note: There will now be posted a series of Epilogues to the story, one after another over the next day or so. Please read each one, and keep in mind that they are totally unrelated, parallel alternate possible endings. I would ask you to decide for yourself which one you think most likely to be true. If you have an opinion you'd like to express, leave a review or drop me a PM. I will compile the results, and then publish my opinion on which one I think actually took place.]
. . .
. . .
Epilogue A – Zatanna Makes a Decision
. . .
. . .
Downtown San Francisco, some months later, 9:50pm
Soft strains of the song Imaginary from Evanescence's "Fallen" album drifted through the penthouse suite of an exclusive high-rise condo. Two bottles of champagne – a 1990 vintage Cristal Brut – sat on the low table in the main room. One of them was empty, and the other nearly so.
Raven toyed with her flute, sloshing the bubbling liquid gently around and around, watching the room's other occupant over the rim of the glass. She took another slow sip, set the flute down beside the nearer bottle, and said, "You're having second thoughts about my staying tonight."
After a few breaths of silence, Zatanna muttered, "More like fifth thoughts." She drained her glass, grabbed the bottle, and refilled it.
"Are you trying to get drunk?"
"Trying to stay that way."
That stung. "I didn't realize that my company was such a burden."
"It's not the company." Sip. Pause. Longer sip. "It's what comes with the company."
"Please don't pretend you don't enjoy it."
Stricken eyes sought Raven's. "I'm afraid I enjoy it altogether too much."
"And that's a problem?"
"When it becomes … competition … maybe it is."
Oh, Azar, not this again! "Is he really THAT jealous? Is he so selfish he won't even let you …"
"Stop it."
"I'm only saying that …"
"Stop it. Please."
"Gar doesn't have a problem with …"
"STOP IT!" Zatanna's roar shook the windows. Raven curled up on herself, hands clamped over her ears, her psychic shield slamming down around her to fend off the crashing waves of grief, confusion and desire.
The older woman slumped in her chair. Heavily, she rose and took the two steps to Raven's couch, knelt and placed a hand on her thigh. The cambion drew in tighter, a tiny whimper escaping.
"Raven." It was barely a whisper.
"I … I never wanted you like this. I don't … don't want to fo-force you to … to do anythi-thing you don't wa-want to. But … but Desire … she … needs you … so much … she …" The sound system had shuffled around to Taking Over Me. Raven groaned at the utter irony.
Zatanna slid onto the couch beside her, slipping an arm around her back.
Raven rocked over until her head was pillowed on the older woman's breast, breathing a continuous stream of, "Sorry. So sorry. Just want to make you happy. So, so sorry. You deserve better. So sorry."
"Hush," she ordered.
Raven swallowed a couple of times and stilled herself. Her arms unwound from around her torso and her fingers tangled in Zatanna's luxurious mane. Violet eyes sought silvery-blue. "Zee, I need to ask you something."
"I thought you might."
"I need for you to – to be honest. Candid. Completely."
"Rae, I CAN'T lie to you." She shook her head once, fighting back tears. "Not for a long time."
The moments stretched out, following each other in stately order until Zatanna was almost convinced Raven wasn't going to ask, but she finally whispered, "Do you love me?"
A long sigh. "I think I might. Or I might be starting to. And that's ticklish."
"But … why?" The anguish in that word clawed at the older woman's heart.
She sighed again. "Because I'm … Rae, I'm not … like you. I don't think I can love two people at the same time. John knows that. Feels it."
"And you don't think I can … what? Fill his shoes?" Trembling fingers touched her cheek.
"… It's not just that." She dropped her gaze, focusing on the flawless length of leg across her lap, then blushing at a memory.
"What, then?"
"… It's Gar."
"Huh?" Raven seemed genuinely confused. "But – but he doesn't care. He's perfectly okay with – with you and me. He says it even spices up …"
"The problem isn't with him. It's with me."
"I'm not following you."
"I get … when I think about …" She huffed an exasperated breath. "You told me some about it."
"About what?"
"You and … Gar … doing it."
"What, making love? Well, of course."
"No, Rae. Not 'of course'. Not 'of course' at all."
Raven stared at her for a moment before her eyes widened. "You're … jealous?"
"It's stupid. I knew you were … committed … before we ever started this … this … whatever this is. I didn't have my eyes closed." She stroked Raven's hair. "I just never anticipated that I'd feel this way. About you. About us." Giving a wry laugh, she added, "About everything. It's all so screwed up. I feel like I'm cheating on John and you're cheating on Gar."
"But it's not …"
"Rae. Please." She pulled the other woman back up under her chin. "It's the way I said. I'm not like you. I realize you can love more than one person, and love them all fully. But I … I'm not … I can't DO that, Rae." A tear dripped into Raven's hair. "And on top of the guilt I feel for not being faithful to John, I have to fight down my rage over my reaction to Gar being that … that close to you."
Raven was stunned. "This is completely backwards. Totally screwy."
"I hope you don't think that's some kind of news flash."
The empath's arms tightened around Zatanna. "I do-don't want t-t-to lose you. Zee … I love you!"
"I know. I've felt that for – for weeks now. And with every kiss, every touch, every climax, my guilt hits me harder. I know you love me. But John loves me, too. I don't think I can express how deeply he loves me. His whole world is tied up in me. And he's looking at you … um, to begin with, you were just …" She stopped to chew on her lip. "Now you gotta understand that this is in HIS mind, okay? You straight with that?"
Raven hesitated, then nodded.
Deep breath. "You were just a phase. A fling." She swallowed. "An experiment. But now, these last couple of weeks when we've been together every two or three days, he's … he's gotten … quiet. He's not thinking about, um, US – you and me – as a fling anymore. He's a lot more perceptive than most people give him credit for. Now? He sees you as the competition."
"But I don't WANT to …"
"Shh. Shhhhhhhh. I know. I know exactly how you look at it. John's involvement in my life doesn't faze you at all. You're just … happy for me."
Raven nodded furiously. "That's it! See, we just need to explain that to John and …"
"No."
The empty, lifeless finality in that word stopped Raven cold. She actually shivered.
"It's not a matter of explanation. Even if explaining this relationship were simple – and it's not – that doesn't mean he'd agree. Hell, Rae, I'm … I'm close to losing him."
"Zee!"
"He hasn't put it in those terms yet, but it's only a matter of time."
"But … maybe if he … joined us?"
"He's not put together that way, Rae. A LOT of people aren't put together that way. It isn't a matter of making up his mind … picking one or the other. Flipping a coin. It's his most basic, first-level, gut reaction to something he can't help but look at as a challenge." She kissed the silky, purple hair. "I don't know at this point if he's working up the nerve to just leave me … or working up the nerve to fight you for me."
"BUT I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT HIM! I DON'T WANT HIM TO LEAVE YOU!"
"Rae … he doesn't share. Not this way. Not once he started to figure out how … how I felt. How I was beginning to feel."
The smaller woman was crying openly now.
Zatanna simply held her, stroking her hair. While they sat there the music shuffled through My Immortal and My Heart Is Broken, into Lost In Paradise.
Raven looked up, caught her eye. "This playlist can't possibly be coincidence."
"Maybe … it was subconscious?"
Untangling herself, Raven stood. She wiped her eyes on her sleeves. "So that's it, then."
The Magus couldn't dredge up an appropriate response to that statement, only giving Raven a hollow gaze.
It was a short walk to the lavish kitchen. If Raven recalled correctly, they'd only used it once in the months they'd been meeting here. That incident had convinced them not to try again.
Foreshadowing? Raven asked herself.
She ran the cold water, laved her face, and dried off with the hand towel. Come on, Raven, you can do this. You faced down the End Of The World. You can still face it when it's just your own world breaking apart.
When she turned to go back into the main room, Zatanna was standing in the doorway. Her eyes were closed, the crashing surf of her regret beating against Raven's shield.
The empath walked up to her and took her in a light embrace. After a few heartbeats she reached up and kissed the smooth cheek. Zatanna could feel how badly her lips trembled, and bit back a sob.
"I won't … won't let this get in the way of our te-teams w-working together."
Silently, Zee shook her head, wrapping her arms around the slender shoulders.
"If … if this is really …" Raven sniffed, blinking back tears. "… if this is IT … I should probably go."
"Yeah. You probably should."
Neither moved for half a minute. "Zee. That means you'll have to let me go."
"You just feel so damn good."
Raven tried a laugh, but it came out as a hiccup. "You've said that before, too."
"Because it's true."
Raven turned, brushed the soft skin of Zatanna's throat with softer lips, pulling forth a low moan. "Maybe … maybe I could stay … one more night."
"Oh, God, Raven!"
"But only if you wan-"
Zatanna's kiss cut short that slight objection.
. . .
. . .