AN: I don't own it I just fuck with it. I do however own a Cullen baseball hoody. Go Me.

If you can't buy your own wank material, you can't read this!

Okay so my updating is poor but this chapter just didn't want to be written. Stick with me please?

Chapter 3: I'll begin with what I believe to be my strongest point. Sex

I slouched in the stool, picking at the label on my bottle. There were only a few women in the bar and I'd discovered the more I drank the quieter their voices got until I could barely hear them at all. I'd headed over to Newtons bar earlier on that afternoon after noticing I had no beer at home.

As the night went on the bar started to fill up, that in turn meant more women and more beer I had to drink in order to tune them out. A girl walked over to me and drained my beer before placing her hand gently on my shoulder.

"You look like you need a friend." her voice was soft but sultry. She smiled at me.

"You shouldn't be talking to me..." I wanted to tell her it was because I was completely insane and If I wasn't so drunk I'd be able to tell her what she was thinking. For some reason though I didn't want to turn her away like I had every other woman that night. I looked up into her big chocolatey eyes and could've sworn I saw a flash of disappointment. She was beautiful, her skin looked like it would be soft to the touch and she smelt of strawberries and cream. Her long wavy brown hair just skimmed her tiny waist. She couldn't have been much more than 21 but her eyes held some kind of wisdom that was beyond her years. I was distracted by a tall guy, who could probably take on Emmett in a fight, clearing his throat behind her. "...I don't think your boyfriend would like it." She was confused as she looked around the bar before her eyes fell upon the big guy. She laughed as I stood from my stool.

"I think it's time I took my drunk ass home. It was lovely to meet you." I waved as I stumbled out the door and back to my suite. That night I dreamt of chocolate brown eyes and strawberries.

The phone ringing against the pillow woke me up.

I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot, I predict a riot.'

My ring tone for Alice always made me laugh. Emmett had set it to the Kaiser chiefs after we'd spent an afternoon joking about the fact she only calls me when she's angry.

"Hello Alice."

"........" I knew she was there, I could hear her breathing.

"Alice?"

"I'm waiting for my apology." Her voice was like acid. Oh man she was properly pissed.

"...I'm sorry?" I didn't mean for it to come out like a question.

"When I give you instructions to do something Edward I expect you to actually do it. I don't have the time to sit around and wait for you all fucking afternoon only for you not to show up. For someone who values their cock as much as you do you're treading on very fucking thin ice. You're lucky I didn't call Esme. Now I'm willing to give you a second chance seeing as Jazz thought you might be ill after you ran out of Emmett's yesterday but know this Edward you won't be getting another one. You need to meet me here in exactly 2 hours. You're going to be with me for the secondary interviews or I WILL call Esme."

"Yes Al.."

"I'm not done yet. Don't interrupt me! Don't for a second think I'm not angry with you. You ruined my evening. Jazz and I were supposed to have celebratory 'we're getting married sex'. But you had to go and mess that up too didn't you!?"

"Alice you got engaged like 6 months ago, its not celebratory now until your actually married . And anyway how exactly did me not showing up stop you" I laughed

"Again with the interruptions! If you must know Edward I didn't want to have sex with Jasper while I couldn't stop thinking about how angry I was with you! I might have accidentally ripped his head off!"

"Should I be flattered that you think of me when you're fucking Jasper?" That was probably a stupid move but I couldn't resist the urge to wind her up.

"I just told you I didn't want to think..." She sighed, I couldn't help but smile. "Fuck you Cullen. Get your ass down here." Bitch hung up on me.

While I was showering I came to the conclusion that hearing women's thoughts wasn't necessarily a bad thing. If Mom and Alice were right and I didn't know anything about women (PFFT!) then it could only help me right? Especially with the column. I dried off and quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a cable knit sweater. I still had just over an hour to kill before I had to be at 'Fille' so I sat in front of my computer with a coffee and began to type.

I'm Edward. I'm 27 and I think I know about women. According to the most important woman in my life, my Mom, I don't. On this page right here, I'll be writing about my experiences with women past and present. I'll be telling you what I think women want and whether I'm right or wrong I hope you enjoy reading it anyway.

I'll begin with what I believe to be my strongest point. Sex.

Now ladies, I'm sorry but you've been rumbled. If I was to ask any of you what you like in bed I'm sure you'd tell me you like a man to make you feel special, as if you're the only woman in the entire world. You'd tell me you like it sweet and slow, gentle and loving. This ladies would be a lie.

Lets be honest, you like it rough. You all do. You want to lose your inhibitions and have raw animalistic sex. You don't really want a guy to make love to you. You want him to fuck your brains out. You like to be bitten and even more than that you like to bite. You can't deny it because I've had my share of teeth marks to prove it. If you think to the best sex you have ever had can you honestly tell me it was 'love making'? I didn't think so.

I'm going to go off on a little rant here and I could be putting my foot in it but women moan about all the mistakes guys make during sex but you rarely hear men complaining about women. You girls do a lot of things we don't like but at the end of the day if you both get off then mission accomplished right? There is no right and wrong when it comes to doing the dirty!

There is no such thing as unwanted attention from men. Outwardly you're turning your nose up at the guy who wolf whistled at you but the insecure little girl on the inside is doing back flips because she got attention from something with a penis. Another thing, you're very hypocritical. You check out guys and if my female friends are anything to go by, women are far more perverted than men.

Scientists say you're more attracted to guys who physically would make good fathers. Muscular guys are more attracted because in caveman times they were probably the best hunters, therefore could provide their families with more food etc. etc. This works the same with guys. Guys are attracted to girls with big racks because psychologically they think they'd be better at breastfeeding. Though in my opinion when a guy is looking at a chick with big titties he's thinking more 'I wonder how high those things bounce' than 'Think how many babies those could feed'

To conclude my point this week is that ladies, you're perverted liars, you love it rough and you can't wait for a guy to hit you on the head and drag you back to his cave.

I smiled triumphantly as I hit the print button and saved the file to the memory stick Alice had given me. I shoved all my shit in my pockets and ran down to my garage. I had a lot of cars, many of them Volvo's but the C70 was always my favourite, even though Emmett said I looked gay with the top down. I was initially torn between two colours but I went with the ice white, it made me look less like an old man trying to recapture his youth. I jumped in the C70 and made it to 'Fille' with time to spare.

I'd almost forgotten about my little problem until I walked through the front doors.

"I could come just looking at that face"

"I bet he's got a massive cock."

"Oh My God it's Edward Cullen!"

"If I pull my shirt down a little more, he might see my nipples. He'd probably like that."

I would be lying if I said my ego didn't swell the second I walked in that building. Being perved on by women was totally awesome. I smiled and nodded at each of the women before strolling towards Alice's office.

"I totally would."

I looked over to the blonde girl walking in the opposite direction.

"Hi there." She smiled back at me.

I continued walking and let myself straight in to Alice's office. I leant against the door frame watching as she scrawled on a notebook.

"Fucking piece of shit ass hole AAARRRGHHHHH" She picked up the notebook and launched it at the door before slamming her head repeatedly on the desk, completely unaware I was watching her.

I cleared my throat and she lifted her head narrowing her eyes at me.

"Prick."

I smiled reaching into my back pocket and pulled out my column. Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open.

"He actually did the column? Oh My."

She tried to grab it out of my hands but I pulled it out of her reach dangling it above her head. I laughed as she jumped up and down trying to snatch it off me.

"Edward.... Cullen ... Give... me .. the ... Fuck You!" She shoved me in the gut and dropped the paper clutching my winded stomach. Once I'd regained the ability to breathe I watched her eyes scan over the piece of paper, she put it to the side of her and stared at me, her face void of any emotion.

"Don't give it away Alice. Don't give it away"

I was about to throw myself in an armchair when Alice leapt over her desk and wrapped me in the tightest hug known to man.

"Edward it's brilliant. I didn't think you had it in you! The readers are going to love it."

"Your cocky ass hole attitude is going to earn the magazine even more publicity!"

Well fuck. I wasn't expecting that. Yeah I was going to do it. I didn't wanna upset her and I sure as hell didn't want Mom to be any more pissed at me. If I'm honest though I didn't expect her to think it was good!

"Ali honey, your 2 o'clock is here." Seth's voice chirped from the intercom. Alice put me down and told him to send her in.

"Okay Edward. Don't say anything. Leave it to me." I was about to protest when there was a gentle knocking at the door.

I was looking out the window when I heard Alice open the door and greet my potential PA. The room was filled with the smell of strawberries and cream and I span around to be met by the smiling brown eyes of the girl from last night.

"Edward this is Isabella." Alice closed the door behind the beautiful girl.

She took a step forward and started to speak. "Please call me Bellaaaarrrgghh!" The heel of her shoe caught on the edge of Alice's rug and she fell forwards and faceplanted the floor. Her knees were bent and her skirt had ridden up exposing her floral patterned granny panties.

"Fuck My Life."

I ran to help her up. As soon as our skin touched a jolt of electricity shot up my arm.

"You're hired."

AN: yeahhh what did you think?