Chapter 4

"Through Their Eyes"

"I'm not going in there," Kitty said firmly, shaking her head. In the world she left behind—a place where Matt Dillon had been gone for days and she had been praying for his safe return—she would run to that office knowing he was waiting for her. She would take him in her arms, kiss him like she meant it, and inspect every inch of him to make sure that he was alright.

But not here. This was a place where there was no joy in seeing the people you loved. She didn't think she was strong enough to find out what was on the other side of that door. This was the man she loved more than anything, and her mind ran wild with possibilities.

Her young escort tried to calm her fears. "He's the reason you're here, isn't he? The whole journey has been leading up to this, and you are about to learn the answer to the question that has been haunting you. What is it that you are so afraid of?"

There was an easy answer. That what she had learned about her friends was so painful it had almost taken her breath away. That she couldn't take the chance of learning something even worse about the man she loved. All of that was true.

She started to say those very words, but she stopped herself. There was another truth, buried deep in a place where honest emotions lay untouched because they are too difficult to admit. In this unreal world, next to the man with the kind eyes and warm smile, she felt safe revealing it.

"I'm afraid he is better off without me," she said, looking down to avoid seeing his reaction.

He gave her an encouraging smile. "It's going to be okay. You can handle this," he assured her, holding his hand out to grab hers, then pulling her up from the step. "Trust me." She had no idea why, but she did.

They walked to the office and he opened the door for her like a gentleman. She slowly walked inside and took a deep breath as she caught her first sight of Matt Dillon, absentmindedly shuffling through a stack of mail at his desk.

Had it really just been a few days since he had left? Somehow he looked a little older than the last time she had seen him. He was still ruggedly handsome, wearing that same red shirt and vest, the U.S. Marshal badge clearly visible. What was different? She searched his face for answers, for clues to the life he had lived without her.

The gray in his hair and the lines around his eyes were a natural part of the ageing process, a reality they had faced together and laughed about over the years. But there seemed to be a little more gray, a few more lines than she remembered. Maybe it was her imagination. Wasn't everything else she had seen today?

Newly O'Brien appeared from the back of the jail and entered the office. Kitty smiled at the sight of her sweet, mild mannered friend. He looked exactly the same as he had several days ago, now wearing that U.S. Deputy badge full-time.

"Newly didn't wanted to give up his business to become the new deputy, but he didn't want to disappoint the marshal even more," she was told. "He knew he was the only one the marshal trusted for the job, and he couldn't let him down. Not after everything he had been through."

Newly walked over to the old coffee pot and poured two cups, handing one to his boss. Matt nodded toward him but didn't speak. He wasn't particularly busy, but he seemed preoccupied.

"Doc and I are planning to get some breakfast in a bit," Newly said. "Do you want to come?"

"Not today," he answered flatly.

Matt put his elbows on the table and rubbed his eyes. He had only been at work for an hour, but he looked bone tired.

"He didn't sleep well last night," Kitty's companion informed her. "Actually, he hasn't slept well since he lost Festus. He blames himself, of course. If he had been in town when Bonner's men rode in, Festus would probably still be alive. He'll never forgive himself for that."

"But it wasn't his fault," she said softly. "He can't be here all the time, it's his job. He can't protect everyone." Kitty knew that all too well.

"That's true," he agreed. "Doc and Newly try to talk to him, but he shuts down. He's a private man and needs a special kind of person to help him open up. He never met that person. With no one to share his burdens, he constantly feels the weight of the world on his shoulders. I think it shows."

"But surely he's had…women in his life" Kitty said cautiously.

"Oh yes, several over the years. Just none that lasted very long. His is a difficult life that requires a lot of sacrifices, ones that most women are not ready to make. Even those who were, it never felt right so he ended it before things got too serious. A man knows when he has met his other half. Matt Dillon never did, and he has accepted that."

Kitty's eyes misted as she looked at the melancholy man sitting alone at his desk. The soft spoken stranger beside her put his hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed.

"You are not the only person who wonders what might have been, Miss Kitty. Who questions her decisions and doubts the value of the life she has chosen. But most are destined to take those uncertainties to their graves. You are not."

He dabbed her eyes with a white handkerchief from his pocket, and she caught a whiff of its scent. It smelled nice, masculine, like a musky cologne. This experience had been anything but peaceful, yet there was something about this man that brought her peace. His voice, his manner, the way he spoke her name. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she felt a connection to him.

Kitty didn't know what to think. She had begun to feel as though somewhere in this doleful, topsy-turvy, unreal world were the answers she sought. Was Dodge really this different without her?

She looked at the young man who had so exasperated her with his evasiveness and upsetting tales of woe. "How do I know you're telling me the truth?" she asked seriously.

"I suppose you don't," he admitted. "But I want you to think about something. Is there anything I have told you that is not a logical consequence of your not being here? Can you point to one thing I have said that doesn't make sense in a world without Kitty Russell?"

She thought back to each painful story she had heard since first encountering that uninvited guest washing glasses behind her bar. The Long Branch, Sam, Thad, Doc, Festus, Newly…Matt. Everyone and everything she loved had set sail on a course that was almost unrecognizable to her. Yet she could not come up with a single thing he had told her that couldn't possibly be true. Not one.

Kitty shook her head, the significance of this bizarre day trip becoming clear to her. As clear as a dream could be, anyway.

"If you want to know whether your life here has been successful, judge it by what truly matters," he advised. "Not by rings or houses or even children. You may not have created lives, but you have changed them. Success is best seen through the eyes of those whose lives you have touched for the better. Do you understand that? Do you believe me?"

Kitty slowly nodded. "Good," he said happily, giving her a tender kiss on the cheek. "Now there's a man I know who loves you very much, and he's going to need you more than ever when he comes home. Let's get you back to greet him."

TBC