A/N: A special little Jar Jar Christmas fic to get you into the spirit ;) I don't own Star Wars. Takes place around Episode II.
"Whatsa thisa Christmas yousa speak of?" Jar Jar asked Anakin as he helped him put decorations on the tree. "Mesa wanna know."
"It's an old Earth holiday." Anakin replied, trying to reach the high branches. "It's originally about the birth of Jesus, but now we've added other stuff to it."
"Like what?"
"Like spending time with friends and family, singing Christmas carols, reading stories to little kids about Santa Claus..."
"Doesn't sound that great to mesa..."
"... and giving and getting gifts."
Jar Jar's face lit up.
"Gifts?"
Anakin laughed at Jar Jar's excitement and turned back to the tree.
"Yep, gifts." He replied, contining to hang decorations. "We all give them to each other on Christmas day under this tree here."
He patted the tree and chuckled.
"Whensa Christmas?" Jar Jar asked, clapping his hands together gleefully.
"In two days."
"Wow!" Jar Jar cried out. "Mesa better get to the mall to get yousa guys some gifts."
With that, he jumped up (nearly knocking the tree over) and ran out the door.
"You better hurry!" Anakin called after him, walking up to doorway. "The malls are crazy this time of year."
Anakin was right, the mall was crazy. By the time our favorite retard got there, all that was left was a Paris Hilton Barbie, a rotten banana, and a pair of boxers with Elmo on them.
"Well, thisa sucks crap. Oh well, mesa guess mesa better get what there is."
As he was walking, he noticed a guy with a half empty milk shake. He was just about to throw it out when...
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Jar Jar shrieked in slow motion, tackling the frightened man to the floor. "Don't yousa even think about throwing that away!"
"W-why?" The shocked man squeaked, squirming. "Is it recyclable or something?"
"No, mesa would like to buy it from yousa."
"Huh? Why the hell would yo-"
"Mesa will give you fifty bucks."
There was a short pause.
"...Make it fifty-five..."
"Deal!" The idiot said, placing the money in the guy's hand and taking the drink. The guy grinned and ran off, mumbling "moron" on the way. Jar-Jar (of course) took no notice and continued wandering the mall
"Good! Mesa now have one gift, but mesa needs lotsa more. Good thing there are lotsa garbages around here..."
----------------------
"Finally!" Jar Jar cheered on a bright Christmas morning as he ran out to the tree, his arms full of badly wrapped gifts. There he found Padme, Anakin, Yoda, and Obi-Wan sitting under the tree.
"Merry Christmas, Jar Jar." Padme greeted him, beaming. "We've been waiting for you."
Jar Jar smiled at everyone in the room.
"Thank yousa all for waiting for mesa. For that, mesa wantsa yousa all to open mesa's gifts first please."
"Sure." Said Anakin, shrugging. "It can't hurt."
Oh yes it can...
"Yousa first, Obi-Wan."
Obi-Wan smiled and took the gift from Jar Jar.
"Yousa won't believe what mesa got yousa.
Oh he couldn't all right. As he opened the gift, a card fell out, but remembering last time Jar Jar gave him a card (his eyebrows hadn't quite grown back), he chose not to open it.
"Um, how sweet. How 'bout I open the gift first, kay?"
"Yes!" Jar Jar cried, clapping his hands. "Open it first! Open it first!"
Obi-Wan did so. His eyes widened. There, in that gift box, was a pair of boxers with Elmo on them.
"My eyes!!" Obi screamed as his eyes turned red and puffy. "THEY BURN!! THEY BUUURRRRNNN!!"
And he fainted.
"Wow," Said Jar Jar as he looked at the shocked faces of the others. "Hesa musta really loved hisa gift. Okey-dey! Yousa turn, Yoda."
Jar Jar handed the little green thing a box. Yoda, seeing what happened to Obi, wasn't too sure.
"Come on!" Jar Jar urged. "Yousa will love it."
Sighing, Yoda nodded and opened the gift. It was the half full milk shake.
"Well, whatsa yousa waiting for? Try it!"
Yoda took a small sip.
"Banana cream, this is?" Yoda asked Binks.
"Yesa." Jar Jar replied, nodding. "Mesa hopes yousa likes it."
"Idiot, you are!" Yoda yelled as red pimples formed all over him. "Allergic, I am!"
And he past out.
"Haha, Yoda that joker." Jar Jar laughed as he stared at Yoda's half dead, twitching body. "Hesa real funny. Okay, yousa turn Padme."
"I dunno..." Padme said, looking at the bodies of Yoda and Obi.
"Come on!" Jar Jar pleaded. "Yousa will love it!"
"Fine." Padme sighed. "Hopefully I'll wake up in a good hospital." She added to herself.
"Yay!" Jar Jar cheered. "Yousa gonna be so surprised."
That's for sure...
"What's this?" Padme asked as she looked at the strange thing that was her gift. "I've never seen th-"
Suddenly, the thing throw itself onto Padme's face. She screamed and started to run around madly.
"Pretty cool, eh?" Jar Jar said as she screamed something about it layings eggs in her mouth. Finally, she ran herself into a wall and knocked herself out. "Mesa thought so too."
As he was saying that, Anakin had gotten up and started to slowly and quietly creep away from Jar Jarhead. Unfortunately, Jar Jar had heard him.
"Where do yousa think yousa are goin'?"
"Um, to the bathroom..."
"Not without opening yousa gift first yousa don't."
"I really need to go fir-"
"No, please, just open it."
"I really shouldn'-"
"Yousa should!"
"Maybe la-"
"Do it!"
"I don't thin-"
"DO IT!!"
"Really Jar Jar, I'll be right back and-"
Suddenly, Anakin felt himself being thrown to the floor, two disgusting looking arms holding him down. It was times like these that made Anakin wish he had brought his lightsaber.
"YOUSA WILL OPEN YOUSA GIFT NOW!!" Jar Jar screamed, lying on top the frightened jedi in an, ehem, awkward position. "AND YOUSA GONNA LIKE IT!!"
"Okay, okay!" Ani whimpered. "Please get off me."
"Yay!" Jar Jar cheered, jumping off him and handing him the gift. "Heresa yousa gift!"
Anakin sighed and took the gift from the Gungans hands.
"Might as well just get it over with." Anakin thought to himself. "It's not like it's gonna explode or something."
So Anakin opened it up and-
"Hey Jar-Jar, why is it ticking?..."
KABOOM!!
Happy Holidays!