He woke to the sound of hushed voices arguing. His limbs and eyelids felt like lead and he struggled to keep awake.

"We have to consider the possibility, Leo, just like Slash and Rockwell were released and let themselves be caught to attack when our guard was down. The timing and placement of the trackers is too much of a coincidence."

"We won't let our guard down, Donnie, but we aren't going to treat our brother like a prisoner. They couldn't have known we were preparing to capture him."

"He was staking out the pizza place for at least two full nights before we caught him. There is no way The Shredder wasn't aware of where he was with the trackers in him. I think this is going exactly as he had planned."

"Dudes..."

The turtles quieted and he felt a cool hand on his head. "Raph?"

He shivered at how cold the hand was but it was soothing his pounding headache. He parted his lips slightly and groaned. He hurt all over, specially his left arm.

"Can you open your eyes, Raph? Come on, big guy." Purple. He sounded worried. "Heyyy, Raph, you okay there, bro?"

He looked around the room. There were machines, science equipment and parts strewn over every surface. On a table beside him there were needles, scalpels, bandages and vials with different liquids. I'm in a lab, like Stockman's.

He must have looked frightened, "Shhh, it's okay Raph, you're safe here. No one is going to hurt you." Blue. He instantly calmed down and reached for him through the pain as he moved his good arm. He gripped Blue's shoulder weakly and he covered his hand with his, smiling warmly at him. He started pulling Blue towards him but in this state he wouldn't be able to move him unless he wanted to.

"Could you give us a moment, guys?" Blue and Purple exchanged a glance.

Purple's mouth was set in a firm line and he looked as if he were about to resist but then shrugged and pulled Orange with him. "Come on Mikey, lets make Raph something to eat, he must be hungry."

When they closed the door behind them he resumed trying to tug Blue closer and this time he relented. Blue put his forehead against his but it wasn't enough. "Raph..." He sounded pained and it made him pause.

He put his hands on the side of Blue's head, cradling the back with his fingers and rubbing circles on his cheek with his thumb. He looked into blue eyes, wishing he could speak. This is why you brought me here, right Blue? Because you love me. I love you too.

Blue sighed, eyes darting to the door and then closing. He let himself be pulled down and their lips touched. He stiffened for a moment as he kissed Blue's lips softly, the edge of his mouth first, brushing his lips against Blue's and then tilting his head and pressing them together. He opened his mouth slightly to pull Blue's bottom lip into his mouth, biting gently and causing Blue to sigh against him.

He cracked his eyes open and smiled at what he saw. Blue was beautiful, face flushed and breathing hard, expression soft and lips parted waiting for more... He could see his pink tongue just past those lips so he touched it with his own and Blue moaned at the feeling. He delved deep into his mouth, sliding over the other's tongue, exploring the ridged roof and the soft insides of his cheeks. Blue felt cold to him but he would warm him up quickly like this. The sound of the wet slide of his tongue in the other's mouth and their lips as they pulled away and came back together was loud in his ears.

Blue pulled away suddenly and held him back when he tried to follow him. "Raph," He said breathlessly between pants. "You can't do this." He looked at Blue, confused, hurt. "Not... not in front of the others, okay?" He said more quietly, holding him close. "They won't understand. I'm not sure I understand..."

Blue kissed him softly on the lips before pulling away completely. "Okay?" He nodded.

Blue barely had time to compose himself before there was a knock on the door. It opened part way and Purple looked inside. "Everything all right?"

"Yes, Donnie, everything is fine." Blue answered without looking at him.

Orange pushed past Purple holding a tray, "Dude, get out the way! Raph, we made you some sandwiches and soup!"

"You still have a fever but these meds will take care of that soon. Take it easy, okay?" Purple interrupted. "Try not to move around too much and please don't use that arm or that leg." Purple gestured to his left arm covered in bandages from the shoulder to the wrist and his right leg under the covers. "I had to cut pretty deep to take out the tracking devices. Do you understand, Raph?" Purple paused for a moment waiting for something. "Just, don't use your left arm or walk around yet, okay?"

His eyes were set on Orange since the moment they entered. The turtle approached him with a tray and he eyed him suspiciously and then examined the food, sniffing at the bread and the mug full of soup.

"It's not drugged." Blue told him. "We only did that to get you here without hurting you, Raph. Now you're here and everything is going to be okay. Eat up, Raph you need to get your strength back." Blue pat his good knee covered by the blankets and it was all he needed to dig in. He was starving.

"You were out for the rest of the night and most of the morning. I'm sorry Raph, I calculated the dosage with your previous weight. I didn't realise how much you had lost in the weeks you were... gone." He finished sadly, placing a hand on his carapace as he ate.

Orange sat beside him on the bed on his other side, leaning into him slightly and Blue got up from his chair letting Purple take his place. "I'll go talk to Master Splinter. He'll want to know he's awake and come see him before he goes back to sleep."

Purple nodded and handed him a glass with water and some pills which he eyed nervously when they were put in front of him. "Some of your cuts are infected." Blue said softly with a hand on his shoulder. "You need to take the medicine to get better, you have a fever Raph." He placed a cold hand on his head to demonstrate the difference in temperature and he took the pills from Purple and swallowed them before going back to devouring his food.

"Dude. Raph listening to you and doing what you tell him without a fight? I got the chills!"

"Me too." Purple agreed but he was more serious than Orange, looking him up and down with those thoughtful red-brown eyes.

Days had passed and his brother was no closer to being returned to normal than when they had just brought him here. Leonardo sighed. He had been so sure it would be as easy as the first time. He should have known it wasn't the case after their first encounter facing Raph as he lead a group of Foot Ninja against them.

No matter how much he provoked and insulted him he wouldn't even bat an eye. He ignored everything they said and attacked them savagely, silently. They called to him but he wouldn't listen. He had looked at them as if he didn't know them at all, shocked to find other mutant turtles. They nearly didn't make it out alive from the fight. The next few times they managed to come across him they were more careful but made no progress reaching him.

They feared they had lost him, until he had come across Raph on the roof that night. He wasn't sure if there had been any recognition but he had to have had some memory of that place to show up there. Then Raph had kissed him and he knew he didn't remember who he was. His Raph would have never done that. At least... that's what he thought. When he told the the others what had happened he left that part out.

It wasn't until they planned to capture Raph after he was spotted staking out the pizza place that he had disclosed the whole story of what he'd done on the roof to Donnie in confidence. He already felt guilty over what he had allowed to happen and then hiding it from everyone. It was driving him insane and he needed to tell him to sort his thoughts and in case Raph did it again once he was with them. They sat in silence for a while after telling the story. It affected Donnie more than he thought it would.

"He did that because... he isn't Raph anymore." Donnie's face contorted and he looked away. "He... he isn't our... brother." He had to stop talking to bite back a sob, his breath coming through in choppy gasps as he covered his mouth and leaned forward with his head bowed.

"There's something there or he wouldn't have come to us, Donnie. There has to be..." His own voice cracked at the end and he pulled Donnie into an embrace as his brother started sobbing, trying to fight back his own tears. He needed to be strong for him.

When he was certain his voice would come out steadily he continued. "He remembers he loves us and that's enough for now. We'll figure it out." Donnie was hiccuping softly against his neck and after a moment he straightened and released his brother. "Do you think I did the right thing? I let him... do what he wanted. I didn't pull away from him. I could have stopped it."

"I don't know." Donnie said after searching his brother's gaze for a moment. "After your encounter he's been different with all of us so perhaps it was the right thing to do. He doesn't seem to respond to what we tell him so maybe this was the only way he would understand you love him, by not pushing him away."

"What if... he tries again when he's here?"

Donnie frowned and then shrugged. "I really don't know, Leo. I'm not going to say something that obligates you to do anything like that if you're uncomfortable with it. All I can tell you is: trust your instinct and I'm with you whatever decision you take."

That was nearly a week ago. Raph had been with them for five days now. They had called the Mutanimals and Rockwell as soon as Raph was awake to have him come over and try to snap him out of it but nothing worked. They weren't using worms anymore, they must have perfected the formula but Donnie couldn't find anything in his bloodstream or any other anomalies in his scan. They were at a loss.

The next few weeks Rockwell and Donnie worked on a solution but Raph wasn't responding well to their tests. They still hadn't figured out why he couldn't speak either. He wasn't completely mute, he still made noises just not very often. He didn't even try to communicate with them, to the exception of Leo. He would stay by him whenever he could, touching him if he was allowed even if it was just their legs brushing as they sat side by side watching tv.

That was another thing that irked them. Donnie had noticed the differences straight away but kept it to himself until the rest of them did too. It was one of the first tests he did when Raph arrived. He had made him a sandwich with pickles and tuna, two things their Raph despised but he didn't even make a face as he devoured the food.

"Maybe he was just really hungry?" Leo had said, trying to come up with another explanation that wasn't so frightening.

Raph was also eating large quantities of food. With his leg and arm in the torn up state they were he had been confined to his bed for the first few days and then had to take it easy moving around after that. He ate a LOT. Whenever food was put in front of him he devoured as much as he could as if they would take it away from him if he didn't. Meals made him anxious even before the food was out. They all tried to calm him and explain to him that he didn't need to act that way but it was useless.

They hadn't bothered controlling the amount he ate, thinking he would stop the behaviour when he eventually learned that he wasn't going to go hungry and food was always readily available to him when he needed it. He was putting on weight quickly but he had lost a lot of it while he was captive so they let it slide.

"If he were still our Raph he would hate it." Donnie spoke when he was trying to convince Leo of his point of view.

Leo knew what he meant. Raph was soft now where he used to be bulging, rock hard muscle. His cheeks were rounded and his thighs had a little bounce when he walked around. His Raph honed his muscles and trained his strength the same way Leo cared for his katanas and perfected his form, with a determination just short of obsession. He couldn't hold this against Raph though and he let Donnie know that they just needed to give him some time while he recovered. They'd have him back to training as soon as he was himself again. It's no big deal.

Then Raph sat down happily with him to watch Space Heroes and his heart broke a little inside. He got up as soon as it was over and with the excuse that he was going to meditate he wept alone in the dojo in silence. Maybe he had to start coming to terms with the fact that the old Raph was gone and they were left with this new different Raph that wasn't Raph at all. Mikey had started to call him pod-Raph whenever he did something completely out of character, which was often.

"Your brother is not lost forever, Leonardo." Master Splinter spoke softly to him, a furry hand on his shoulder. Leonardo brushed away his tears quickly and faced him. "You probably do not remember, you were very young," he continued, "but when you were little, Raphael was the smallest of you four and you were the tallest. He would follow you everywhere and do everything that you would do, he adored the ground you walked on and imitated you in everything."

Leonardo looked at him confused. He didn't remember that, only an annoying little brother who took his toys and bothered him all the time, who wouldn't leave him alone for one second and cried A LOT.

Master Splinter chuckled softly at his expression. "Yes, you probably remember it differently from the eyes of a child but this Raphael reminds me of Raphael when he was younger. There is still hope, he just needs time to find himself again."

Leonardo nodded but inside he was thinking how he was NOT like little Raph at all. He would remember if young Raph had kissed him the way this Raph had. He was also sneaking into his room every night and crawling into his bed when everyone was asleep. Though he hadn't tried anything since that first day in the lab he felt enough shame to decide he had to put a stop to all of it. It wasn't only about Raph, he didn't like the way he was responding to it himself. Raph felt so good in his arms, like he belonged there and he found himself being swept away by his emotions whenever he remembered his kiss at odd times during the day, the memory warming him all over.

"There is at least one thing we know he still remembers and that is his love for his brothers and specially for you. Even older Raphael felt this way, though he expressed it somewhat... differently. Right now this Raphael needs your support and love in a different way than you are accustomed to. You must be patient with him, Leonardo. Just as when you were children, you are his world, his link to the rest of the family. I am certain you will also be the key to bringing him back to us whole."

"Hai Sensei." Leonardo answered but inside he was terribly conflicted as he watched his father smile and leave him to meditate. Master Splinter didn't understand exactly what kind of affection Raphael was asking of him. If he knew, he was certain he would never approve.

What they were doing was wrong, and even if Master Splinter was right and Raph was going through some sort of regression, he shouldn't allow it. Raph would never forgive him once he came back to his senses. Right? There's no way Raphael was feeling this way before this incident.

He avoided Raph's touch for the rest of the day and scowled at how content this imposter was at staying weeks inside with nothing to distract him but staring at the tv and watching them train. The real Raph would be stir crazy after a few days. He would also sometimes spend time staring off into space like a zombie until one of them snapped him out of it.

Once nightfall came he slipped out of the lair and ran through the tunnels burning off his frustration as he pushed himself to exhaustion. He came home late after everyone had gone to sleep and Raph was nowhere to be seen. Good. He slipped into his room, removed his gear and collapsed onto the bed. He should have showered but he was too tired and he didn't want to risk waking anyone.

He squirmed on his bed to get under the covers without getting up and turned his shell to the door. It felt strange sleeping in his bed alone after weeks of Raph's company. No. It's better this way. If he does come he would have to send him away so it's better if he doesn't.

The door opened a while later, and he heard the soft pat of feet he knew were Raph's as he approached the bed. He squashed the ridiculously strong feeling of relief he felt at his proximity.

"Go to your room, Raph. Leave me alone." He said firmly without turning around and he heard Raph stop but not leave. "Go away, Raph." He said again raising his voice and his tone sounded mean in his ears. He pushed away his guilt and focussed on his anger instead. He needed to stop this behaviour once and for all. "You shouldn't be here. Sleep in your own room, you're not a baby any more."

After a moment of silence a broken sob made him turn without being able to stop himself and he stared at his brother. His face was contorted in a grimace of pain, he had one hand held to his chest as if he had been stabbed and with the other he reached out to Leonardo as he shook his head desperately.

What am I doing? Leonardo shot out of bed and pulled his sobbing brother into his arms. I can't do this. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry, Raph." He had been so angry and he'd directed all of his venom at this Raph. No, not this Raph, he's just Raph. His rage had filled him until he could only see how different he was, how cheated he felt at recovering what he thought was a parody of his brother, an empty shell with his shape.

"You are his world, his link to this family." Master Splinter's words echoed in his head. He had been angry at them too. What difference did it make if this was not his brother? But he is.

Somewhere along the way in his despair and frustration he had given Raph another identity because he couldn't stand them being the same person. It hurt too much to think of this chubby, needy little thing as his burly, angry brother who fought him at every turn, with a sharp tongue but a quick smile.

"I miss you so much, Raph." He covered his head with his hand and cried into his brother's shoulder as he held his trembling body tightly.

When Raph had calmed down he pulled him into his bed to lay beside him under the covers. He planted soft kisses as he wiped the wetness from his cheeks and whispered his apologies over and over again. "This isn't your fault, I was so angry and I took it out on you but none of this is your fault."

Green eyes watched him intently as he spoke. He wasn't sure how much Raph could understand but after a while Raph pressed his lips to his and he let him. He wouldn't push him away again, he wouldn't fight this. He'd love him the way Raph needed to be loved, the way he needed it also. If he managed to pull him back whole and he hated him for it then he'd carry it with him until he found a way to fix it. If his family disowned him then so be it. He wouldn't deny his brother his affection.

Raph's body relaxed and he fell asleep curled into him, breathing softly. He pulled his scarred body closer, caressing the raised tissue criss-crossing over his soft limbs. "I love you." He whispered against his skin. "Even if you never change back I'll love you with all my heart, forever."