A/N: I've taken a different approach to this chapter, and I really hope you like it. Thanks so much for the reviews.
Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood.
Special Projects - Chapter Four
The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. Ianto, according to Jack, was starting to look a bit healthier. This time, it was a walk, not just sunlight that would do him well. Ianto did his best to stay within range of the Torchwood cameras because he knew almost certainly that Jack was watching. He turned around, looked straight into one of the devices, and wiggled his fingers. Ianto made sure to smile big.
Best put on a show, Ianto thought.
Back at the hub, Jack spun his chair back around to face his desk, glad that Ianto had taken his advice and gone outside.
Each day was becoming a little easier, or a little harder, depending on how the situation was viewed. On one hand, Ianto was busy. It seemed as if there was less and less of him wanting to visit her. Whether he was moving on or just occupied, Ianto had no clue. Either way, Lisa was consuming little of his time, lately. On the other hand, Ianto enjoyed Jack, and more of his time was spent just thinking of him. There were short snogs while the team was out, slight brushes of the hand, and just small gestures that made Ianto feel not so alone. But, during the moments when Ianto was free to catch his breath as it were, he couldn't help but feel that he was pushing her away. Lisa was still downstairs, completely aware, though completely medicated and unconscious. She needed him, and he was off having a time with his boss. Often, Ianto called himself a selfish bastard – for wanting Lisa, for wanting Jack, for wanting it all.
Or maybe Ianto was just a survivalist. Perhaps he was greedy, cruel, and disgusting like the rest of the human race. Perhaps Ianto was only in this for himself, and he was wanting to have as much as he could, as fast as he could, like some sort of promiscuous animal. The thought appealed to Ianto, made him accept for a moment the excuse that he was just a product of his making, of his chemistry. That had to be it; blame the past, relive it.
He was at the edge of the bay, now, looking over the barrier and at his own reflection in the water. For a moment everything was clear, but soon the surface rippled in response to a raindrop: the story of his life. Who would think that a strapping young lad such as Ianto, a boy quite unexceptional in his childhood and indeed quite unexceptional in his current years as well, would be saving the world? Sometimes, Ianto wished he hadn't gotten caught up in Torchwood. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have met Lisa and he wouldn't be in the mess he was in now. All the same, he enjoyed it. The pain he knew she was in, it pained him, but it also let Ianto believe that there was that little bit of human left in her. There was some capacity for emotion and actual life. Did he have that anymore? Did he have an life? Or had it all just passed him by while he tended to Lisa? Anymore, Ianto didn't feel like himself. He was leading either a double-life or a half-life, and Ianto didn't know which.
The rain was coming down steadily, obscuring Ianto's reflection constantly. It soaked through his suit jacket and plastered his hair onto his head. As he walked back to the hub, Ianto could feel his feet squishing about in his shoes. New shoes, he thought. New socks. New bloody life. He didn't want this.
A man with a black umbrella walked past Ianto.
"Sir?" Ianto asked as he followed closely behind. "Excuse me, sir?"
The man stopped and turned around. "I'm sorry, but I am quite busy. I will miss my flight." He started to walk away, but Ianto stopped him.
"Sir, please. My name is Ianto Jones. I worked for Torchwood London before, well... before. Please, you must help me."
"I have to go!" the man said.
"You're the expert in Cybermen that came in afterwards," Ianto pleaded. "You have to help me."
"Good bye, sir."
"I have a Cyberman. Well, a Cyberwoman, but -"
"You have one?" the man interrupted. "How is that possible? Who do you work for? What are you playing at?"
"You have to help her. Please."
"I have to go. My flight," he said. "Take my card."
Ianto took the man's card and put it in his pocket. "Thank you so much," he said.
The man nodded and hurried off, leaving Ianto alone in the rain, but with a little more hope than before.
Ianto returned to the hub, this time uninterrupted. Behind the tourist desk he found a set of towels and dried himself off as well as he could, removing his jacket, shoes, and socks. He thumbed his braces off and felt slightly less constricted, but no less cold. He collected his things and padded off toward Jack's quarters. He didn't take the way through Jack's office, but instead the less scenic route, bypassing the main hub door and climbing a flight of steps. It wasn't surprising to Ianto in the least that the door to Jack's quarters was unlocked, but maybe it was just because he was so tired.
Ianto collapsed on Jack's bed, cold and shivering. He hugged a pillow to his chest and thought of what his life was becoming. Everyday he woke up next to a man he barely knew, loved a woman he wasn't sure was even still a woman, and he was at the total beck-and-call of a bunch of very inappreciative people. People who could very easily put their trash in the bin and wash out their own mugs. Despite the team, he enjoyed his work and their company. Most of all, he enjoyed having actual people to talk to, not hunks of flesh and metal welded together to form something he barely recognized.
Is this where I want to be? Ianto asked himself. Is this what I want for myself?
Ianto felt the bed move and Jack's arms wrapped around him.
"Did you have a nice walk?"
"Yes," Ianto said.
"I thought you could do with some warming up." Jack kissed his way down the other man's neck.
Ianto smiled and thought, This is exactly where I belong.
"I've found someone who can help," Ianto said. "He'll make you better. Everything will be fine."
"Ianto, it's too late!" Lisa said, wincing at the force of her own voice.
"I've already called him. It'll take some time, but he'll be here." Lisa didn't reply. She only closed her eyes and sighed. "I brought you something else for the pain, to help you sleep."
Ianto took a pill bottle from his pocket and fumbled with the cap. It was childproof. Ianto was no child, but lately life had been making him feel just as helpless. He finally had the bottle opened and shook a few pills out. They were green and small and fit between Lisa's lips without any struggle.
"Swallow them," Ianto commanded.
She did.
Ianto sat with her and thought about things for a while, until she fell asleep. He left the room she was in and made sure to lock it behind him. Ianto felt as if he were locking a little of himself inside, but he did not feel incomplete. This part of him, it was time it took a little vacation, a little nap. Ianto had taken the pills from Owen's store. He didn't know what they were, but the bottle had said only to take one. Lisa had been given four and had taken them all. She would sleep, and hopefully for a long while.
He felt immediately lighter, but he'd never admit to it. He was a devoted boyfriend, lover, and friend. That didn't stop him from needing some alone time, however. He needed some time to think and to be himself for a while. Ianto needed to not be needed. He needed to be fucked until he couldn't breathe. He needed to have another body collapse on top of his and for their sweat to mingle. He needed to be one with someone who had no room for him.
He needed it all; he got it all. And, God, did he enjoy it.
Ianto nuzzled into his pillow and tried to forget what he had done yesterday. How selfish he was! There were a million other things he could have done, things that would have bettered the situation, but he had taken the coward's way out. He had drugged her far more than necessary just to be free for a little while. But Ianto was enjoying himself, or was so far, at least.
How long would he keep her like that? As long as he wanted. Ianto was in charge of this situation now. He was going to make it all happen. He was going to save her. So, Ianto justified his actions. He told himself that he was easing her pain, reducing her suffering. Lisa wouldn't have to feel her pain. She'd thank him when it was over. She'd thank him for taking it all away. And during the time she was gone, Ianto would live his life. He would enjoy himself, dammit. Ianto would let himself be taken away from it all, if only for a little while.
Ianto rolled over; Jack was staring at him. Their eyes met, and in that moment, Ianto forgot about Lisa, but only for a little while.
"Hello," Jack said. "You really zoned out last night. I was worried."
"I'm just tired."
"You scream that loud when you're tired?"
Ianto smiled slightly. "No. It was good. You're good."
"Great," Jack laughed. "I'm great."
"You are, yeah," Ianto said. He took Jack's hand and laced their fingers together. He had big hands, and Ianto still wasn't used to it. They fit into his, but a little awkwardly.
"Anything you want to talk about?" Jack asked.
"No," Ianto said. "I'm great."