Chapter 4

"Ouch", cried Harriet loudly as Doctor Baker pressed her ribs to see if anything was broken.

"Oh doctor, do you have to do that", Harriet complained. "It does hurt a great deal you know."

Doctor Baker removed his glasses and looked at Harriet with serious eyes.

"No wonder it hurts", he said. "You've got two broken ribs mrs Oleson."

Harriet's head fell backwards. She couldn't help feeling frustrated. When she had finally been strong enough to work – this had happened. Two broken ribs would mean that she had to stay near Lillie. Two broken ribs meant that she had to stay in bed, or at least be very still, for a week or so. The pain, the fact that she would have to be near Lillie and the guilt over not being able to love her own daughter overtook her and Harriet started crying. She felt like the worst mother in the world and she felt terrible over the fact that she blamed Lillie for her broken ribs. When Harriet though of Lillie, she felt nothing else but despair.

"Mrs Oleson, whatever is the matter", asked Doctor Baker. "Is the pain that strong?"

Harriet nodded. She could not tell the doctor how she really felt. What would he think of her if she did?

"It does hurt", sobbed Harriet. "Very much."

Doctor Baker looked at his patient and opened his bag. He pulled out a small brown package.

"Now mrs Oleson, I'm going to give you some morphine to ease the pain."

"Morphine", cried Harriet loudly. "Isn't that awfully dangerous?"

"Not is small doses", answered the doctor. "It kills the pain and relaxes the nerves."

Harriet nodded and watched Doctor Baker as he put a small dose of morphine into a glass of water.

"Now mrs Oleson, drink this."

Harriet took the glass from Doctor Baker and drank it all at once.

"I'm going to leave you the rest", said the doctor and put the package on the table next to Harriet's bed. "It will last for two days", he explained. "But only take it if absolutely necessary and only in small doses."

Harriet nodded. She watched the doctor as he gathered his things together and just as he was about the leave Harriet thought of something.

"Doctor Baker", she said.

Doctor Baker turned around to look at his patient.

"Yes mrs Oleson? Was there something else?"

"Yes doctor", answered Harriet and tried to sit up.

Doctor Baker sat down on the side of the bed and put his glasses on.

"Tell me", he said.

"You see doctor", said Harriet and looked and her physician. "I think the reason for why I fell is that I've been so tired lately."

"Nels said that you stepped on Willie's baseball bat."

"Well I did", admitted Harriet. "But I believe that I didn't see the bat because I was- I am so exhausted."

"I see."

"And I was wondering if perhaps…Ehmm… If you would allow us to start feeding Lillie by bottle? I barely get any sleep you see and I'm… ehmm.. I feel that I won't recover if I don't get enough rest. Does that make sense doctor?"

Doctor Baker nodded.

"It does", he said. "I still think it would be best for Lillie if you kept on feeding her yourself, but it will not do her any harm if you start feeding her by bottle."

"Thank you doctor", said Harriet and smiled. Feeding Lillie by bottle meant that she and Nels could share the burden of feeding her. This meant that Harriet would not have to stay near the baby all the time.

"Will you explain the situation to my husband", Harriet asked.

"Of course", said Doctor Baker and stood up.

"Thank you", said Harriet relieved. For the first time in three weeks, it felt like she could finally breathe.

Lillie had been screaming for almost fifteen minutes when Nels finally showed up with the bottle.

"For heaven sake, what took you so long", cried Harriet.

"I had to heat up the milk", answered Nels and gave the bottle to Harriet. He turned around, bent down and took the crying baby in his arms.

"You're hungry all the time, aren't you", he softly said and smiled. "Just like your mummy."

Harriet raised an eyebrow.

"What did you say", she asked.

"I said; food is yummy yummy", lied Nels.

Harriet shook her head as Nels gave her the baby and sat down next to her. The baby immediately started searching for its mother's breast. Harriet tried to make Lillie take the bottle, but it was almost impossible. After ten minutes of trying, Lillie was still hungry and still crying.

"Might I give it a try", Nels asked.

Harriet nodded and gave Nels his daughter. She was convinced that he would not be successful. After all, compared to her - he had not spent many hours feeding babies. However, she was wrong.

"You're such a good little girl", said Nels and caressed his daughter's black curls with his free hand. "And I am so glad that you decided to come to us."

If Harriet had been her old usual self at this moment, she would have felt both happy and touched. However, Harriet had not been her usual self for a long time and this moment made her feel nothing else but sad and uncomfortable. Seeing her husband so tender and sweet with the baby made her realize what a wonderful father Nels was, and what a truly awful mother she was. But she could not help it. It was not her fault that Nels was too thick to realize what an absolute pain his daughter was.

Harriet opened her eyes. She had been asleep for almost two hours. Lillie was lying next to her, on Nels's side of the bed, crying – apparently hungry again.

"Nels! Nels", Harriet shouted. "The baby is hungry again."

Harriet took the baby in her arms.

"Hush hush, stop crying now. Your father will be here soon with the bottle."

But Lillie did not stop crying. Instead, she cried even harder and louder.

"Oh for heaven sake", cried Harriet in frustration.

Luckily, it didn't take much time for Nels to bring the bottle up this time.

"I swear to you, she cries more than what Nellie and Willie did together", said Harriet.

"Nonsense," said Nels and sat down next to Harriet. "Willie could cry for five hours non-stop."

"Well, it did not feel like five hours", said Harriet and handed Nels the baby. To her astonishment, the baby immediately stopped crying.

"There there", said Nels and was just about to give his daughter the bottle when the ball rang – announcing that a customer had just stepped into the mercantile. Nels gave Lillie back to his wife and the baby started crying again.

"I'll be right back", said Nels and disappeared downstairs.

Harriet did not know what to do. She was so tired of hearing the baby crying and screaming all the time. She almost felt like shutting herself up in the cellar where it was completely quiet, where no one could disturb her. Harriet looked around in desperation and her eyes fixed on the small brown package on the bedside table. Now, if a small dose of morphine could calm her down – wouldn't a small dose calm Lillie down as well? After all, when Willie had been a baby Doctor Baker had recommended her to mix some brandy in Willie's milk. A small dose of morphine would, with other words, only do Lillie good. Harriet reached for the package and put a small portion of the morphine into the bottle.

"Come on now Lillie", said Harriet. "Take the bottle."

The baby refused. Harriet gave it another try and after five minutes of trying, the baby finally took the bottle and started eating.

"Good girl", said Harriet and smiled. "Good girl."