"You need the liposuction!" - Starfire
CHAPTER FOUR
THREE, OR FOUR?
Beast Boy had transformed into a green peregrine falcon and was effortlessly swooping across the city towards the juvenile prison after he had finished talking to Raven via communicator. His mind began to wander as he flapped his wings mechanically. Raven was acting really, really weird today. She had always been emotionless and aloof and stoic ever since he met her when she and Robin had first formed the Teen Titans, but now she had become incredibly close with this Bard guy in the space of a couple hours. Something was terribly wrong here.
Maybe Bard had some kind of mind control powers! Or maybe Raven was finally going insane, like Starfire had predicted when she was thrust into the future! Had he been in his elf form, he would have shuddered at the remembered thought of how Star had described his future self: Fat, timid, and, worst of all, bald. He had to try to think about something else.
It was strange, his teammates didn't really seem to be very concerned about the situation between Raven and Bard, which was surprising. Maybe they had all been taken over by aliens in a plot to drive him crazy and conquer the world in the process!? Beast Boy stopped himself, since this was around the time Cyborg would bop him on top of the head. He was never too good at unraveling mysteries, since he was always jumping to conclusions as soon as they popped into his over imaginative head that was fed by movies and video games. There was a reason that Robin was the leader and he wasn't, after all.
Not long afterwards, Beast Boy found himself over the mountains and spotted Raven meditating near the juvenile prison with his sharp eyes. He quickly flared his wings, descended and transformed back into elf form.
"Where's Bard?" He asked Raven, looking around.
"He's-"
"You guys didn't have a fight, did ya? He asked impetuously.
"Beast Boy-"
"Did you guys break up or something?" Beast Boy went on. "Did Killer Moth hire him to help him get away with breaking out Kitten?"
"Beast boy-" Raven tried again, but Beast Boy was too occupied with his questions to hear.
"He didn't hurtcha, did he? I-"
"Beast Boy!" Raven's eyes glinted dangerously.
The little changeling gulped and shut up immediately.
"He simply went into the forest to search for berries." She told him.
"Oh," Beast Boy said, sounding a bit disappointed.
Just then, the object of their conversation came back, using his cowboy hat as a bucket to carry the blackberries he had obtained. He laid them down on the ground as if he had forgotten them and looked straight at Beast Boy.
"Stay here, Raven." He ordered, very much not like him. "Me and Beast Boy need to talk about something."
Raven raised a questioning eyebrow.
"Guy stuff," Bard explained. He grabbed Beast Boy by the wrist and practically dragged him further into the forest before Raven could ask anymore questions.
"Dude!" Beast Boy protested. "What's up, man? Lemme go!"
"What's bothering you?" Bard asked him bluntly, finally releasing him from his grip when he assumed they were out of Raven's earshot.
"What?" Beast boy asked, his face the mirror of innocence. "Nothing's bothering me."
"I was eavesdropping." Bard admitted calmly. "Now, what's bothering you?"
"Raven's not acting right." Beast Boy finally said, dropping the act. "She's never shown the least interest in anybody, then you show up and she's falling all over you!"
"Jealous?" Bard couldn't help asking.
Beast Boy shook his head seriously. "Nah, I know she's off limits." He said. "I'm just worried about her."
Bard blew the long, brown hair out of his face and rubbed his cheek absently as he thought, feeling slightly naked without his hat.
"Can you keep a secret?"
"Sure!" Beast Boy told him, a bit too quickly for Bard's taste.
"Even from Raven?"
Beast Boy nodded enthusiastically.
"Raven...she's my sister."
Beast Boys eyes widened in shock.
"Raven's your-!"
"Shhh," Bard hissed, quickly clamping his hand over Beast Boy's mouth and cutting his eyes towards to where Raven was waiting meaningfully.
"Does she know?" Beast Boy asked after Bard had removed his hand, slightly calmer this time.
Bard nodded.
"She's the one that told me." He took a deep breath. "Remember, you can't tell anybody."
"Ten-four," Beast Boy saluted.
"Now," Bard said. "Let's go back, eat some berries and kick some Killer Moth ass, okay?"
Beast Boy began to nod cheerfully, but then he stopped.
"You just cussed." He told Bard.
"So, what?" Bard shrugged. "It wasn't that bad a word."
"Robin says we can't cuss."
"Why not?"
"Because we have to set a good example for the citizens of the city!" Beast Boy declared, doing his best impression of Robin's voice that, coincidently, was not very good.
Bard simply nodded absently. He had a lot to learn about this superhero thing. He had never thought himself a bad person, but when he sat back and looked at himself, he realized that he was a very bad role model.
When the two got back to where Raven was standing, Bard ate some berries and offered some to Beast Boy and Raven. Then he dumped the rest of them out and replaced the hat back on his head.
"Now," Bard said. "Let's go kick some Killer Moth...butt." He finished, casting a meaningful, sidelong glance at Beast Boy, who immediately grinned, gave them a thumbs up, turned into a hawk and flew away.
"What did you say to him?" Raven asked when he was gone.
"You don't tell Robin what you and Starfire talk about, do you?" Bard asked as a answer, a bit smugly.
"Well, no-" Raven began, but then she stopped. "How do you know Starfire and I talk to each other?"
"Women always have to have other women to talk to." Bard said knowingly. "It's a fact."
"...Whatever, let's just go."
Raven levitated and began to float upwards, and Bard played his wind song.
Killer Moth was standing before the dome that housed his babies, holding the remote that controlled them in his left hand while the other stroked the glass of the dome lovingly. Soon now, he would unleash them to save his other, louder baby. Maybe she would actually be grateful enough to start to behave properly, Killer Moth thought, though he severely doubted it. Sometimes he didn't know what he was going to do with that blasted child...
He looked down and saw a large, green spider crawling across his metal boot. He had no idea what kind it was or even if it was poisonous or not. He really didn't care. He lifted his other boot to stomp on the creepy little arachnid...
Suddenly, the spider transformed into the green titan Killer Moth knew as Beast Boy. With a giant grin on his face, the changeling snatched the controller from the villain's hand.
"I'll take that!" Beast Boy declared as he placed it in his mouth, turned into a cheetah and loped away.
Killer Moth roared in rage and tried to follow, but he was met by a giant tree stump, courtesy of Raven's obsidian energy. He grunted and stumbled back, but he somehow kept his footing and charged Beast Boy, who had turned back into his normal form and was waving the remote over his head triumphantly.
"Look out!" Raven warned him, but Bard was already halfway through his song while strumming his guitar.
I fell into a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down, and the flames grew higher!
On the last word a fireball the size of a man's head erupted from his guitar, similar to the one that he had conjured up on the roof of Titans Tower, and blasted Killer Moth full in the chest, putting him down hard. Beast Boy, not wasting anytime, ran over to the fallen villain and quickly turned into an elephant. He reached down with his long nose and held Killer Moth up over his head long enough for Raven to manipulate the bark of a nearby tree trunk with her dark energy to wrap up the would-be perpetrator.
"Nice teamwork," Bard complimented Raven and Beast Boy as he repositioned his guitar to his back.
"That's right, we're good!" Beast Boy said gleefully, pumping his fist into the air. He tossed the remote to Raven, who pocketed it in her cloak so she could put it in the evidence room when they got back to the tower.
"I see you've finally realized that sometimes something as small as a spider can be as useful as a five hundred pound gorilla." Raven droned to Beast Boy. "Now, go take Killer Moth to the authorities and let Commissioner Walker know about the moths here."
"Why do I have to do it?" Beast Boy whined.
"Because I did it last time." Raven told him flatly. "Now go!"
"All right, all right, I'm goin'!"
He turned into a pterodactyl, grabbed Killer Moth with his huge talons and flew away.
"Looks like I got through my first battle without a scratch." Bard commented adjusting his cowboy hat a bit cockily.
"Don't get used to it." Raven told him quickly, making sure to deflate his ego before it had a chance to grow. "We outnumbered him and had the element of surprise. Most battles won't be this easy."
With that, she took to the sky and headed towards where they had left the motorcycle. Bard shrugged, quickly played the wind song and followed her.
When Raven and Bard arrived back at the tower, they saw that Beast Boy had beat them home, seeing as how he had flown and they had traveled a bit more traditionally on Bard's motorcycle. Robin and the others had gotten back from stopping Mumbo Jumbo and Beast Boy was telling them the story of how he had 'single-handedly' captured Killer Moth.
"Since Raven and Bard did the reconnaissance," Beast Boy said deprecatingly, unaware that Raven and Bard had just walked in behind him. "It was up to me to bring in Killer Moth. Fair is fair after all."
"We found Killer Moth next to that big dome thingy that the moths were in and I changed into a spider to sneak up on him." He continued dramatically. "When I was close enough, I changed back and took the controller from him. Then, I smacked him right in the face! Pow! Just like that!"
Robin, Cyborg and Starfire were trying their very best not to laugh as they watched Bard's and Raven's reaction to Beast Boy's version of the story.
"He knew that I was too much for him." Beast Boy boasted, still oblivious that Bard and Raven were a part of his audience as he flexed what muscles he had in a 'killer' pose. "So he tried to escape. Bard tried to get in his way, but Killer Moth jumped kicked him. Boom! Right in the chest! Then he caught the tree stump Raven threw at him and tossed it right back at her. Ka-pow! She went flying through the air! Finally, I turned into a t-rex and smacked him with my tail and he went flying into a tree. Thwack! Crunch!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
Beast Boy suddenly felt a prickling in the back of his neck and cold presence behind him.
"Uh," he sweat dropped, grinning nervously. He didn't dare turn around. "They're behind me...aren't they?"
The Titans finally burst out laughing as Beast Boy reluctantly turned to face his inevitable doom.
"You're not going to turn me inside out, are ya Raven?" He squeaked, cowering with his hands wrapped protectively around his head.
"It has to look better than the outside, at least." Raven commented dryly as she walked by him without a second glance. "Killer Moth had been detained, no matter the story." She said directly to Robin.
"How did friend Bard perform?" Starfire asked curiously.
Raven turned an eye to her secret brother.
"He was okay." She told the redhead.
"Only 'okay'?" Bard asked mildly. "As I recall, my fireball hit him pretty hard."
"It's pretty easy to hit a target that is not even aware of you presence."
"..."
"Did you take care of Mumbo Jumbo?" Raven asked, not noticing or simply ignoring Bard's dejected silence.
"Of course," Robin assured her, feeling a bit deflated that she would question him. "He made the usually bruises and bad puns, but we put him down."
Raven nodded.
"We put down three baddies in one day." Cyborg said. "Not bad at all!"
"Teen Titans: Three; Baddies: Zero!" Beast Boy cheered.
"We got Mumbo Jumbo, Cinderblock and Killer Moth." Robin declared. "Now all that's left is Control Freak."
"If you have any hunches on what he's planning, Robin." Bard said. "Maybe you should send me and Raven to investigate. It worked pretty well last time."
"Don't be overconfident." Raven told him.
"I'm just stating facts."
"Are you going to kiss Control Freak, too?" It was a petty thing to say, Raven knew, but she didn't like his tone.
"Hey!" Bard protested, wishing he could have a heart attack now and take the easy way out. "That was a low blow! At least I have been kissing somebody!"
"I don't know if Kitten falls into the category of 'somebody'."
"Guys, guys!" Robin said, stepping between them and holding up his hands like a referee. "Enough fighting!" He paused. "You kissed Kitten?"
"Yeah," Beast Boy was already joking slyly. "They're bickering like brothe-"
Bard stomped on the changeling's foot and Beast Boy yowled in pain. The cowboy forgot that he was wearing boots, so the attack probably hurt a lot more than he intended. That didn't stop him from glaring meaningful at the green elf, however.
"Cyborg and Beast Boy are right-" Starfire started.
"That's a first," Raven muttered under her breath from where she had turned away from Bard and folded her arms across her chest.
"We have vanquished three bad people today!" The perky alien continued joyfully. "I propose that we celebrate! If you wish, I can make the special Tammaran dish-"
"Pizza does sound good." Cyborg commented.
"Yup," Robin agreed, already walking towards the door.
"Meat lover's all the way, baby!"
"Dude, there is no way I'm gonna eat meat!"
"Are you sure 'spearmint' is not a pizza topping, Robin?"
"Yes, Star. I'm sure."
"Could we please just order something?"
"I already told you that pepperoni isn't meat!"
"Yes, it is!"
"Why is there a physician named 'Pepper' on the menu?"
"Well..."
"Order. Something. Now."
"Uh, how about just plain cheese?" Bard finally suggested hesitantly.
Everyone stopped to stare at Bard, while he adjusted his hat nervously. For a full heartbeat, you could hear a pin drop.
"Sounds good to me!"
"Yeah, no meat!"
"I suppose it is satisfactory, as long as I can sprinkle the delicious yellow substance you call 'mustard' on it!"
"It's okay with me."
Meanwhile, Raven was staring a hole in her brother.
"What?" Bard asked her self-consciously.
"I can't believe it." She droned. "You actually found a pizza topping everyone can agree on."
"I told you I'm good."
"Don't push it," she muttered.
The heroic force known as the Teen Titans, along with their apprentice Bard, of course, was sitting on the roof of Mikey's Pizz-O-Rama, where they could avoid most of their more enthusiastic fans. Night had fallen, and despite the smog from the city, the view of the sky was terrific. Bard found himself looking up at it, absently picking out constellations he knew and making up those he didn't, as the rest of the Titans talked among themselves. The pizza arrived not long afterward and Bard almost lost a hand reaching for a piece at the same time as Cyborg and Beast Boy.
"I got a joke for ya!" Beast Boy announced. "Okay, an older woman fell into a coma and she got a chance to meet God, right? So she says, 'God, am I gonna die?' And God says, 'No child, you're going to live for another forty years.' So when the woman wakes up, she goes and gets a face lift and liposuction since she's going to live so much longer. She was crossing the street the next day when a truck hit her. Wham! Killed her dead! And up in heaven she says, 'God, you said I was going to live for another forty years!' And God said, 'Sorry, I didn't recognize you!'"
"..."
"..."
"What is liposuction?"
"Well, Star." Robin started to explain haltingly. "When people who are, uh, obese..."
"That was lame, BB." Cyborg told his green friend, drowning out Robin's explanation.
"You know you liked it!" Beast Boy shot back. "You're just jealous 'cause it's better than any joke you've ever heard!"
Bard was leaning back, looking up at the stars as he meditatively munched on his slice of cheese pizza when he first noticed it. Everything was...really quiet. No car engines or honking horns. No children laughing or teenagers goofing off or sneaking off to explore the differences between boys and girls in dark places. No buzz of life anywhere, except for at the Titan's table.
"Do you guys hear that?" Robin suddenly asked intently, obviously noticing as well.
Starfire cocked her head to the side.
"But I do not hear anything, Robin." She protested.
"Yeah, me neither." Beast Boy piped in.
"Exactly," Robin said grimly, searching the surrounding area with his eyes. He looked up and the white eyes of his mask widened. "Titans, scatter!"
There was a crash as a dark red light saber smashed through the table they had all been sitting at a moment before and the sounds of the city abruptly came back as people screamed and began fleeing.
"Welcome to the sequel, Titans!" Control Freak yelled at them over his substantial paunch. "For once, the bad guy wins!"
"Don't count on it, Control Freak." Robin yelled, brandishing his metal bo staff and spinning it above his head. "I think it's time for a director's cut!"
"Yeah!" Cyborg backed him up, raising his right arm as it transformed into a supersonic cannon. "It was my turn to pay for that perfectly good pizza you just ruined, and I'm gonna take it outta your behind!"
'Behind?' Bard mouthed, his eyes amused.
"I see you have a new Titan." Control Freak noticed, swooshing the light saber around to point at Bard. "What's your name, cowboy?"
"Bard," he answered. "And we're thinking about changing our name from the 'Teen Titans' to the "Dirty Half Dozen". Whatcha think?"
"Ah, the Dirty Dozen!" Control Freak mused magnanimously, his tone was as if he were talking to an old friend instead of a member of his hated enemies. "Came out in 1967. Directed by Robert Aldrich. Starring Lee Marvin and Charles Bronson. One of the greatest movies of all time!"
"That is so not cool." Bard muttered, taking a page from Beast Boy's phrase book.
"I know," Beast Boy said. "I don't know where he comes up with all that useless information."
Bard shook his head.
"That not what I meant," he shuddered. "I actually agree with him."
"You have something in common." Raven deadpanned. "Are you going to kiss him now?"
"Titans, go!" Robin shouted, running forward.
Control Freak grinned viciously as he readied his glowing red light saber for their attack. Robin went in first, leaping high into the air to strike down with his staff. Control Freak saw him coming, though, and whipped out a remote control from his pocket. He zapped Robin's cape, which suddenly came alive, complete with eyes and large, sharp teeth. The Boy Wonder flung the black and yellow monster from his shoulders to face off against it.
"Do all the bad guys have remote controls?" Bard demanded, even as Starfire let out a war cry and began slinging fiery green starbolts at the obese villain.
"You need the liposuction!" She cried as she continued to fire her starbolts.
Control Freak twirled his light saber in front of him with surprising dexterity, deflecting the starbolts. The ricochets went everywhere: Through buildings, windows and three of them collided dead on with Starfire, Beast Boy and Cyborg, who were flung back off the roof and onto the street.
Raven lifted up a nearby metal mailbox and flung it at Control Freak, but he leaped forward and sliced it in half in the same motion as he charged at the half-demon girl.
"Raven!" Bard yelled urgently. At the last second, he was able to jump in front of his sister and deflect Control Freak's light saber with his guitar, which was torn in half by the impact. TWANG! It seemed as if everything had gone into slow motion as he watched his precious guitar plummeting in fragments to the ground. He had never been angrier in his life. Bard's eyes widened dangerously he stared at the ruined instrument before him.
The cowboy roared in rage, and Control Freak actually looked a bit afraid. Then, Bard's eyes turned blood red and his body began to glow with a hellish, white light.