Sacrificial Lamb Chapter 4
EPOV
One look at Bella nearly brought me to my knees. Tears were streaming down her face and her eyes were red and swollen. She should never look like that; hurt and broken. For one brief moment, looking at her broke through my impassive mask and I know she saw something in my eyes. That was all it took for her to throw herself into my arms. She burrowed into my chest sobbing "I'm sorry" over and over. Resisting her was impossible; I never could, that's what led us to here and now. I wrapped myself around her and buried my face in her fragrant hair, getting lost in the scent of strawberries that was so Bella.
"Shh, Bella, shh. It's alright. Stop crying. I can't bare it when you cry." I had to comfort her; it was like my default setting. She must not hurt. "I belong to you. Please don't send me away." I whispered under my breath. I must not let her hear that; I didn't want to guilt her into staying with me.
"Edward, you have to know that I…"
"Wait!" I needed to know; I had to know everything but was now really the time? The newborns were getting close to the wolves. I could see that they smelled the wolves scent but didn't know what it was they smelled; that foul combination of wolf and man would not be known to such new vampires. I tensed as if I was in the woods with them, ready to spring to action. Sam's directions to the others nearly called to me. He wanted everyone to hold their positions until the first group was nearly past them, so they could attack from the sides as Jasper had taught them in the clearing. His plan was good; they wouldn't know what hit them.
I looked at Bella and noticed that she looked even more stricken than before. The tears had to be blurring her vision as she sobbed her heart out. Did she think that I wasn't going to talk to her about what happened?
"Bella, I know you're upset and I know we have to talk but the battle has started." Her face calmed somewhat at my words. I guess she really did think I was going to send her away. Sweet Bella, didn't she know that I was incapable of doing that? She's part of me now and she'll be with me until the day I cease to exist and beyond, if there is such a thing for a monster like me.
"Edward." She pulled me out of my ruminations before I could head down that tangent again. If she knew I was thinking about my lack of soul again she'd be furious. On another day I'd be all too happy to bring out the tiger kitten within her, but now was not the time. No, now I had to find out if she was through with me, if the reason for my existence was going to cease to be part of my life. Just the thought of that brought me terror like I'd never known. I don't think I could do without her again. Would seeing her from the shadows be enough for me?
"I know you need to concentrate but I do have to say this. I can't go another minute without saying it."
I closed my eyes as her words washed over me. Could I hear this right now while my family and the wolves were engaging in battle with our enemies? Would it drive me insane to lose her and to lose any of them? I don't think I could stand it. I looked back into her face and saw the fear and concern there. What did she see in my eyes? Did she see that I couldn't live without her? Could she tell just how much I loved her and that I was incapable of letting her go? I couldn't hear it, I could not listen to her tell me she loved Jacob. Not now, when my family was fighting my battles while I sat on the sidelines being terrified. I had to show her how truly weak I was in that moment, but it didn't matter; she'd seen me at my worst before. Being weak, when it came to her, was nothing new.
"Please, if you are going to leave me, don't tell me right now. I can't get through that and sit here while my family fights my battles. It's too much." I'm not strong enough, Bella, don't you see that?
"Edward!" Her voice stopped me from what had been my cowardly plan to push her away and get out of the tent. Having her so near and knowing that she may no longer be mine was killing me. She grabbed my face and forced me to look at her. This was it. I couldn't avoid her if I wanted to. Her tiny hands held me in place as if I was the human and she was the vampire. I couldn't move and truth be told, I didn't want to. I'd sit there and let her hold me until the end of time.
"I am not leaving you." If I had a heartbeat, it would have skipped in that moment. "I will never leave you. I love you and only you." And now that beat would be pounding so hard that my heart might leap out of my chest. "I know I hurt you and I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry I am for that. I know you saw what happened with Jacob but you can't possibly know…"
Jacob! Just hearing his name brought back the rage. He'd tried to take her from me. I wanted nothing more than I wanted her, that would always be true, but to have the opportunity to rip him from limb to limb was a close second. Something in me snapped and I had to tell her what I knew. My hands encircled her little wrists and I spewed forth just a small amount of the venom that dog had been evoking in me for months.
"I know what he threatened to do, Bella. But do you honestly believe he was going to let himself die just to prove that he loves you?" As if someone like Jacob could ever effectively play the martyr. I'd been the martyr for more years than that child had been alive. "He accuses me of being a manipulator and look what he did. Time again he's played on your emotions and you didn't even see it. You just went along and gave in to him every single time! He used your love and you let him!" In truth, that was the most infuriating thing about him. He had no qualms about using her tender heart against her. He took advantage of the feelings that she had for him. Did she not see that?
She looked surprised. Of course she didn't see it; it wasn't her nature to see deception and manipulation. She thought the best of everybody. She thought the best of me and look what that had brought her. "I didn't even think about it like that, Edward. I know he makes me feel guilty for not spending time with him and he makes me feel bad about not loving him but he's not a bad person."
I couldn't help it, I had to laugh. Of course he wasn't a bad person. He was going after what he wanted. He just happened to want the same thing I did and that was unacceptable. How was I supposed to sit by and watch him go after my girl? I was not an angel, despite what Bella often thought of me. The monster inside me yearns to be unleashed; to show Jacob that I won't sit idly by while he takes away the most important person in my world. "No, he's not a bad person, Bella, he's just a kid using every weapon he can to try to get what he wants. I actually almost respect him for that. Well, the part of me that doesn't want to kill him does anyway." Oops, shouldn't have let that one out, here comes the protective tiger kitten.
"Edward Cullen!" I had to bite back a grin when she used my last name. It wouldn't be appropriate to smile under the circumstances. Only she could bring humor out in me at a time like this. Too bad she didn't use Anthony as well; it would have been so perfect for an oncoming lecture. "Don't you talk like that! Jacob might have manipulated me but he was there for me when I needed a friend."
And just like that, the humor switch was flipped right off. Memories of her face when I left her in the woods, when I told her that I didn't love her anymore flew through my mind. Images given to me by her beloved friend Jacob soon consumed me again; the vacant look on her face. She'd been like a zombie when I left; there was no life in her. I hated seeing her like that, nothing on earth was worth causing her that kind of pain.
"Yes, Bella, I know. I know what he did for you and I will never be able to repay him for that. I want to hate him, but how can I hate him for seeing how special you are and for loving you too?" My voice actually cracked as I told her that. It frustrated me to no end that I actually understood him; my enemy. But he couldn't be my enemy because of what he'd done for her. I wanted so badly to be able to loathe him but every time I started, I remembered that he fixed her after I left her broken. I could never hurt him because of that.
"Edward, I don't care that he loves me." What? This was not something my Bella would say. Where did that come from? "I know that's terrible to say. I do love Jacob, but only as a friend. You're the one that I love; you're the one that I want to be with." I had never in my life felt as relieved as I did in that moment. She loved me. Me! I'll never understand how someone as good and as pure as her could love a monster like me but I swear that I will never take it for granted. I'll never do anything to make her regret choosing me.
I dimly heard Seth whine from outside the tent and reality came crashing back in. While I'd been involved in my conversation with Bella, the battle had raged on. I saw Quil and Paul combine to take down a blond female newborn. She shrieked in agony as Paul's teeth sank into her neck and Quil's ripped off her right leg from below the knee. I could hear Emmett's voice in the distance, chortling with glee over something Alice had done. All appeared to be going well so far.
Another voice came into my head then, a voice filled with anger and hatred. Ah, Jacob. It hadn't really been my plan for him to hear this conversation with Bella but I wasn't sorry about it. I knew Seth was nearby and likely transmitting to all of them, but it was a secondary thought during the conversation with Bella. That was about us, not about him. He needed to know though and this way he knew the truth, without his interference. I'm sure when he gets the chance to talk to her face to face he will do his best to twist her emotions up again, but for now he knows how she really feels. Any joy I take in his pain is fleeting, though, because I know his pain will cause Bella pain. She is so selfless. I don't deserve her.
"Are you sure, Bella?" I have to make sure she knows what choosing me means; how much she'll have to give up to be with me. It kills me to take things away from her; all I want to do is give her the world. "There's so much that he can give you that I can't. You can have a normal life with him. You can have your family. You can have children. Being with me takes all that away from you and I don't know how you could sacrifice that for me. I'm not worth it." I'm not, but she doesn't see that. What miracle brought her to me? What I had done to be given a gift like her, I couldn't say but I'll always be thankful for it.
As usual, my self-doubting brings out her anger. "Not worth it? Edward, you are everything to me. I have told you that time and again. You're the only person that I can't live without." I can't stop the warmth from going through my body at those words. Where she was my life, I was also hers. "You know this; you know what happened when you left. I began to function like a human being again but I never felt, I never lived until you were back with me."
I had to close my eyes again as the guilt weighed down upon me. I could never make up for what I did. Leaving her had been the worst thing I'd ever done, up until now. Taking her life and making her into what I am was probably worse than that, even if she claimed to want it. Was I going to be able to live with myself inflicting this life upon her? She really should go with the dog, it would be better for her. I was just too selfish to live without her though.
"I don't need Jacob as some kind of human safety net, Edward." Was she reading my mind now? "You're the one I want. You're the one I choose. If you don't want me anymore, I won't go running to him. You're the only one for me." Relief washed over me again as I looked into her eyes and saw the truth of her words reflected back at me. Her beautiful face was alight with her love. I still couldn't believe it was for me.
"You mean that, Bella? You don't want to be with Jacob?" I could hear Seth moving around outside, broadcasting loud and clear. Guilt wanted to well up but I squashed that emotion ruthlessly. All's fair in love and war, so the saying goes.
Bella sighed softly, her sweet breath washing through her lips and over me. "Edward, do you know what I was thinking the whole time that he was kissing me?" No, Bella, I didn't and it nearly drove me out of my mind.
"No. I tried to figure it out but I couldn't see your eyes and your face didn't give anything away. It nearly drove me mad wondering what you were feeling." I couldn't stop myself from visualizing that moment, his lips on hers, his hands on her shoulders and in her hair. I cringed against the fury that tried to rise again.
"I was thinking of all the mistakes I'd made. How I'd lead Jake on and how I'd hurt you by trying to fit myself into both of your worlds. I didn't see it, Edward. I didn't realize just how much it hurt you when I snuck off to see him. I thought it was all about my safety but that wasn't it, was it?" I must have been better at hiding my emotions from her than I'd thought if she hadn't caught on to the jealousy that raged through me every time she mentioned his name. I would give her those emotions now, if she really wanted them.
"No, of course not. I did worry about you, naturally. Not being able to know if you were safe or not always upset me, but it was more than that. I knew how he felt about you, so of course I didn't like you being around him. I was afraid he'd take you away from me. Even worse than that, though, was that I didn't know how you felt about him. I knew you cared for him a great deal and even that you loved him, but there's always been a part of me that was afraid you were in love with him." There, I'd let her see some of my insecurities. I realized I was still gripping her wrists and released them so I could wipe the remaining tears from her face. She'd finally stopped crying, which pleased me. I didn't like seeing her beautiful face marred by her sadness.
"Edward, how could I ever be in love with anybody else when I'm so completely in love with you?" That did it, Jacob's rage and pain boiled over and he let out a howl. I bit back a small smile knowing he'd heard it all and knew he'd lost. Then I remembered that it could have been me on the other end of her emotions, I'd been sure it would be. I knew what he was going through and I almost felt sympathetic. "What happened? Did one of the wolves get hurt in battle?" She started to panic, fearing for the safety of her friends.
"Nothing happened, Bella; that was Jacob." She'd find out anyway, there was no use in trying to lie about it.
"Jake? What happened to Jake?"
I couldn't help it, I felt almost guilty that he'd heard this way. "I know you're going to think after what happened a little bit ago that I did this on purpose." And I truly didn't do it on purpose. Yes, I realized that our conversation was not exactly private but I didn't plan it this way. Not like I did earlier when she asked about my favorite nights and I told her us getting engaged was my number one. I knew he was in earshot then and I did it on purpose. This time was more like a lucky coincidence.
"Did what on purpose? What is going on?" Her brows furrowed and she started to look annoyed. She was so cute when she got frustrated.
"He heard what you said, through Seth. He knows that you don't love him, at least not the way he wants you to." I could allow myself to feel sorry for him; since I had won. I truly did not wish him harm, so long as he wasn't kissing my girl and trying to take her from me, that is.
I waited for Bella to freak out like she had this morning and try to go tearing after him to apologize. Watching her face, I didn't see that emotion overtake her though. She looked a little sad and guilty but not tormented like she had this morning. She whispered, "I'm sorry, Jake," but she seemed to be content to stay where she was, with me. I wasn't about to complain about that. Something had changed between now and then.
"Bella, I completely forgot that Seth was even there, I swear." I did, for awhile. It wasn't a lie. "I wasn't trying to fool you into that." This is true; this was not some plan on my part. I was going to delay our conversation until after our loved ones were safe. That didn't stop me from feeling a little guilty, I did know that Seth was broadcasting our conversation, but I didn't notice right away and by then I had to know how she felt. Waiting any longer was not an option. I looked away from her and ran my fingers through my hair as guilt washed over me. I should have stopped her and continued the conversation in private, I knew that.
"I know you didn't." Sweet Bella, now you're giving me the benefit of the doubt. You're far too good for either of us. "I am sorry that Jacob had to hear this way. I owed it to him to sit down and tell him how I feel about him but I owed it to you more to make sure you knew that it was you that I love."
Happiness overtook me again. I swear, I used to have control over my emotions but the instant she walked into that biology room she turned me into a mess. One minute I was up, one minute I was down. Always I was consumed by her. Love for her welled up and I gave her the smile she adored, the lopsided grin that was reserved especially for her. "I love you too, Bella." More than you'll ever know. "I know I'm not good enough for you but I also know that I can't live without you." Truer words would never be spoken.
"I know I freaked out on you about the engagement and the wedding and I'm sorry for that." I searched her face, was she about to say what I thought she was going to say? I ran my hand over my pocket, making sure it was still there. "I let my family hang ups get in the way of what's right with you and me. I was hoping that you would put your mother's ring back on my finger when we get back home? I want everyone to know that I choose you and that you choose me."
I was euphoric. Only a handful of moments in my life had ever felt this good, and of course those moments all involved this woman. The night I heard her same my name in her sleep for the first time, when I realized that I was in love with her and always would be. The first and second times she said she loved me, first in sleep and then cuddled in my arms in the rocker with her head buried against my neck. The moment I realized that she was alive, when she came to Italy and saved me. And the night that she agreed to be my wife. All of those moments were ingrained in my memory and so would this one be. She chose me. Those words were beautiful to me.
There was more we needed to discuss, of course, especially her upcoming transformation, but for now I wanted to enjoy the moment. "Bella, we still have a lot more to talk about before we get married, but I don't want to wait to put the ring back on your finger; we don't have to wait until we get home." I took the ring out of my pocket and placed it where it belonged, on her left ring finger. It slid on as if it had been designed solely for her, as she had for me. There was never a luckier man than I in that moment.
I leaned down and kissed her, ignoring the pervasive odor of dog that lingered on her lips. He wasn't going to ruin this moment for me; for us. Bella, as usual, got a little overexcited and tried to press harder against me. I laughed and pulled away from her, tucking her soft hair behind her ear. "Not that I ever want to quit kissing you, love, but don't you want to know how the fight with the newborns is going?"
It was time for both of us to get back to reality, even though I'd rather stay wrapped in my own personal bubble with her for eternity. There wasn't any urgency anyway, it was over.
Her eyes widened. "I can't believe I forgot all about it. Yes, please tell me what's happening?" She felt guilty for forgetting, I could see that clearly. I should have felt that way but for once the guilt wasn't coming. I was too happy.
"Bella, it's fine. The wolves defeated their half and just met up with my family. They've got a huge fire going and they're burning the pieces. Everybody is perfectly okay." I could see my family now, I watched through Sam's eyes as Emmett and Jasper bumped celebratory fists while Alice danced around them like a ballerina. I was so happy to see them all; even Rose looked like she'd enjoyed herself for once. Esme's face was serene and Carlisle was thanking the wolves for their help. "Leah is favoring her left hind leg, it doesn't look like she got bitten, I think she just twisted it. Carlisle is looking her over and he agrees with that."
Bella looked so relieved in that moment that I couldn't resist scooping her back into my arms and kissing her soundly. "Precious girl, you're safe, they're safe and we're together forever. All is right with the world." I kissed her again and then hauled both of us up. "I think we should head over and meet them, don't you? We have some news to share." I couldn't stop the smile that washed over my face as I picked up her left hand and kissed the ring on her finger.
She grinned back up at me and nodded. "Yes, we do. Come on; let's go tell our family the news. Alice better not beat us to it!" I laughed, for I knew my sister was dying to tell but she wouldn't take that moment away from us. I scooped Bella into my arms and carried her bridal style out of the tent.
"What are you doing?" she asked with a giggle.
"I thought I'd better get some practice for our honeymoon."
She laughed and kicked her feet. "I don't think you need to practice carrying me, but there are some other honeymoon things we could practice…"
"Bella!" I had to cut her off; we didn't need to get into the sex discussion when we were en route to meeting our family and Jacob. "We're not discussing that right now."
She smiled at me slyly. "You're off the hook, for the moment, but we did make a deal."
Like I could forget that. Like the idea of pushing her against a tree and taking her wasn't in the back of my mind right now. I wasn't ready to think about that though so I put my lips to hers, the best way to keep her silent. "Come on, let's go find the family." I put her down and hand in hand we stepped into the woods.