And here we are with another chapter! Thank you to all the ones who've read and followed the story. You are amazing!
+ If Wishes were Fishes and Cattle were Kings +
Chapter 3 - "Guilt alone, like brain-sick frenzy in its feverish mood,...
When I open my eyes then next morning there's a centipede-like bug on my leg that I recognize as being from my Arena and I freeze completely. I still have the scar on the palm of my hand from where I, stupidly, tried to grab one.
Ell had a blast mocking me while Tie patched me up and Leaf snickered while keeping watch over the door.
"Could I assume that you will not kill me if I ask you, pretty please, to get away from me?" I ask it, very calmly, something I didn't really feel like.
Its translucent shell, with it being so close and all, allowed me to see all the mechanical wiring and machinery inside it. Its eye glowed bright red and there was something stamped right on top of it, and I focused on the letters and tried to read them.
"W.I.C.K.E.D?" I read aloud," That doesn't sound ominous at all!" I deadpan.
The bug makes some sort of buzzing and I hiss at it, "Go away!"
Surprisingly it does, disappearing back to where it came from. I quickly get down from the tree and shake my clothes loose, making sure there's no other bug sticking on me, before I look up at the still dark sky.
"It's still too early, no one is going to be awake," I say to myself.
'Perfect,' Is my first thought.
I quickly stretch my muscles before breaking into a slow run round the Glade, Frypan rose with the sun and there's still an hour or two for that to happen, I can exercise without anyone seeing me (or me seeing anyone) and then wait by the kitchen for Frypan.
As Alby told me yesterday the forest I am currently sleeping in is called the Deadheads (apparently there's a graveyard not too far from my tree, that's not creepy at all right?) and as I leave it I enter the area he called Homestead.
That's where most of the Gladers sleep, though some also slept in the Gardens past the Homestead. Past the Gardens we have the Bloodhouse, which is where I will be going today apparently.
I run for an hour and a half before I stretch again and stop by a sandpit. This I didn't know the name of or if they were any rules pertaining it solely but, I figured, no one was here to see, no one needs to know, right?
I walked to the center of it and took out my dagger from its harness, it's weight was comforting in my hand. I closed my eyes and focused my breathing.
In my mind's eye I imagined Leaf staring in front of me, a similar dagger in his hand, with a cocky grin on his face.
'Are you ready to get your ass whopped, Cricket?' He'd always say.
I smirk in response to the imaginary words and I open my eyes.
I lunge at an invisible opponent, dodging a stab from my right by twisting out of the way, the sand makes it hard for me to do my twists and turns but I only grin in anticipation.
I love a good challenge.
'Idiot,' Tie sighs,' You're going to get in trouble with that attitude of yours!'
'Leave him be, Tie!' Ell crackles from where he's sitting on the sidelines,' I like his spunk!'
'You would, Crackling...' Tie shook his head in bemusement.
I dodge another lunge kicking out with my leg so my opponent stumbles, he dodges of course, Leaf is too good for me to trip that easily, and capitalizes my slightly unbalances state to try for another stab.
I drop to the ground and roll out of the way, jumping up and twisting out of the way of an incoming punch, I elbow his arm and delivers an uppercut with my other hand before pushing him.
Unbalanced in the shifty sand I finally stab my opponent.
'Point,' I can almost hear him say with a grin,' Next time won't be so easy, Cricket.'
I give a breathy laugh, enjoying the adrenaline coursing through me and return to my starting point before lunging again.
I go through the motions of our spars for longer than I probably should've since I'm startled out of my trance by applause.
Restraint, honed after years of having Ell jump on me at random intervals, is the only thing that keeps me from throwing my dagger against the source of the applause.
I turn to see a small crowd of people staring at me gobsmacked.
Oh, hell... How didn't I hear them approach?
I recognize Frypan, who's clearly amused by this situation, beside Newt and Alby but all the other four faces are unknown to me.
"You notice us watching you, Greenie?" Frypan grins.
I'm still breathing deeply from my sparring so all I can give him is a reluctant shake of my head.
His grin widens," Beating yourself up?"
I glare at him without much heat, which only makes him chuckle.
"You hungry?" He asks.
I perk up, holstering my dagger again," You need help?" I ask.
"Sure, c'mon," He gestures me to follow him," These shanks need to go to work too."
Newt turns back to Frypan," I could help you in the kitchens."
Frypan gives him a look," I think Greenie and I can handle ourselves until Adam and Jim arrive."
"No, Pots?" I ask Frypan, quickly walking towards him.
"Pots?" Frypan ask, lips tugging into a grin.
"Brown hair, cut short, brown eyes... He was wearing a green shirt yesterday," I think back on the guy from yesterday," He was kind of short."
"Aah," Frypan hums," That's Alec, today's his day off." He explains.
"Pots?" Newt asks, amused.
"Greenie doesn't say names, remember?" Frypan smirks," So he has to create something to call people by when referring to someone specific, I only get away from it 'cuz I already have my own nickname," He explains.
"Ah, what's my nickname then, Greenie?" Newt asks as he turns to me.
I blink at his words, honestly I hadn't thought about it, reason I named this Alec 'Pots' was because he was busy muttering about dirty pots yesterday when I looked at him.
I thought about Newt for a moment, what I knew of him and what I had observed so far, before humming.
"Robin." I tell him.
The group collectively blinks.
"Robin?" He sounds confused.
"It's a bird." I offer no other explanation.
"Why Robin?" He asks.
I mull over my thoughts for an answer.
"The robin bird has a cheery tune, and so far you seem like a cheery person," I shrug, not really feeling comfortable getting into a discussion about how I felt 'Robin' to fit him the best. It was mostly a gut feeling.
Thankfully he seems satisfied with my answer.
"I like that, don't really mind you calling me 'Robin'," He shrugs," Could be a lot worse."
Frypan chooses that moment to start cracking up.
I edge away from him and start walking towards the kitchens.
"Like Stubbs!" He informs them before continue laughing.
"Stubbs?" Newt's smile stretches wider.
I try to make a quick getaway but Alby stops me.
"Everyone has a nickname where you're from, correct?" He asks me.
I turn back to face him, "Yeah, everyone had one."
"What yours?" He keeps his grin off his face but his tone belies it.
I sigh," I was named Cricket." I tell them," Leaf picked my name."
The Gladers smile at the name.
"Cricket?" Newt smiles," That's cute."
I turn red at his words. Damn Leaf.
"It's not cute!" I deny.
They don't believe me, I can see in the way their whole bodies exude bemused energy. I scoff at them and resume walking away.
"Who's called Stubbs, anyway?" I hear someone ask and I quickly book it out of there before I hear Frypan answer.
Unfortunately I heard their laughter soon after that, which meant that Gally would learn he has a nickname he might not appreciate and perhaps a few people willing to use it.
"So, Cricket," Frypan's smirk widens as he uses the nickname," What do you say about learning how to make an omelet?"
"I'll go wash my hands." I answer him.
"Good answer!" He laughs.
I like that sound.
"So, you're the new Greenie?" The boy in front of my raises an eyebrow after looking me up and down.
I'm not too bothered by it as I'm doing the exact same, warm brown skin, dark hair and eyes, big nose. He's wearing a reddish-orange shirt and scuffed pants, light shoes.
I'm curious about what he sees of me, we're about the same height (maybe I'm a tad shorter) and my skin is just a tiny bit lighter than his with green eyes, my hair is dark, not quite black but not exactly brown either, and I have a small upturned nose.
Ell loved describing people and writing them down on paper, and he'd often describe someone more than once if you held still long enough for him to see you properly.
"Heck of a first day wasn't it, Greenie?" He asks.
I remain silent, mostly because I don't know what would be considered a correct answer and also because it didn't feel like a question I was supposed to answer to.
"C'mon, lets see if your squeamish around us Slicers." He tells me as he enters the big barn we're in front of.
Inside I can hear all sort of animal sounds, some I recognize and others I don't.
"Have you ever handled a knife before?" He asks.
"Yes." I answer.
"We'll see about that, Greenie." He shakes his head.
'If you were going to say that either way, why ask?' I grumbled in my head, I don't think I liked this guy.
He takes me to a room where there's knives lined up and ready to be used on a blood covered table. I don't bat an eye on it though I'm vaguely uncomfortable with the way the guy's eyes trace my reaction.
'Was this some sort of test? To see if I'd flinch away from blood?' I ask myself,' Well, if it is... I just failed it miserably.'
"I'm going to show you how to skin a rabbit, Frypan asked me for that to be used for dinner," He informs me,"I expect you to, as I've become aware of your liking for our cook, make it clean and simple."
Okay... I don't think he likes me that much either.
He doesn't tell me anything else, just leaves the room (and goddamnit did he really have to pass me that closely) and leaves me alone with the knives.
An instinct of mine is to take one or two and hide them but I squash that down. In the Arena things would always go missing unless you always carried them with you, like Tie and his treasures or hid them carefully like Ell and his bulky possessions, but this wasn't the Arena.
If I took something they'd notice it missing and that would lead to trouble. I don't feel much about causing trouble, I'm beginning to see a certain... charm? to the Glade.
More so since I obviously don't belong here.
The guy returns a minute later with a caged rabbit, placing the cage on the table and expertly grabbing it out of it in a single motion.
He's done this before. A lot.
"So, Greenie," He looks me in the eye," Watch and learn."
And he snaps the neck of the rabbit.
...
'This is going to be a long day,' I sigh when I detect a hint of disappointment in his eyes when I do not flinch.
"Let me hide here?" I plead with Frypan.
"Don't like the Bloodhouse?" He smirks.
"Mouse keeps trying to scare me but it's getting so boring!" I inform him, (not whine mind you), in a bored tone of voice,"All he does is hack apart animals, how is that supposed to scare me?"
Frypan is silent at that and his eyes grow saddened.
"It's only for a day," He tries to cheer me up.
I groan.
"A day too long!" I tell him.
"Don't like the Slicers?" Jim asks me, one of the Cooks under Frypan.
"Boring work, I much prefer it here." I tell him.
"That's because you can eat anything you lay your eyes on in here." Adam chuckles.
"A man after my own heart." I deadpan.
The other guy doubles over laughing.
"You and Minho would get along so well!" He laughs.
"True!" Adam turns to him," Maybe when he gets back for dinner we can introduce the two."
"Slim it." Frypan quietens them," Cricket can meet people in his own time."
"Cricket?" Both cooks asks him.
"Well, we can't keep calling him Greenie when the next one shows up, and this shank won't tell us his actual name." Fry smirks," Besides, Cricket was how he was called before coming here."
The other two nod with smiles.
"It's a cute nickname." Jim says.
"It's not cute!" I yelp, hitting the flat of my hand on the nearest table," Leaf named me that because I was silent the first two months I arrived in the Arena!"
"Silent?" Frypan questions.
"...I..." I frown," The Arena isn't a nice place." I tell him," And it scared me at first, so I didn't speak to anyone. Then Leaf basically dragged me to where he lived and introduced me as Cricket to the others. It was supposed to be temporary but it... It stuck."
"Leaf and the others... They were your friends?" Frypan asks in a solemn tone of voice.
"They were family." I tell him," We were always together. Taught me everything they knew."
So many lessons. So many teachings. So many memories.
'It hurts to remember,' my heart twisted with grief at their loss.
"What were their names?" Jim asks, quietly.
"Leaf, Tie and Ell." I answer him,' Why am I answering him?'
"Were they nice?" Adam asks them.
I think back on them, on what I knew of them to be like, and them to the Gladers.
"No," I shook my head," They weren't nice people. But no one from the Arena is."
They look surprise at my answer.
"You seem like a nice person." Jim tells me.
I snort, and close my eyes.
"I'm the cruelest person you'll ever meet." I tell him.
The kitchen is silent and before anyone can say anything else I get up.
"Gotta go back to work, Mouse will never stop bothering me if I show up late." I wave at them as I leave.
'Why did I tell them that?!' I yelled at myself,'Now they're never going to drop the matter!'
Working with the Slicers wasn't something I could see myself doing for however long my stay on the Glade lasted. It had been a long day and I was tired, not physically since my body was antsy with having been so... so complacent these past two days, but tired in the way I just wanted to climb up my damn tree and ignore the rest of the world for a few hours.
I wasn't made to be very sociable. Couldn't. My mind kept pestering me to hide or to avoid contact, my skin burned underneath their stares and felt like something was crawling all over me when someone was too close.
I much preferred to be sitting in a corner somewhere no one could see me at first glance and eat some of Frypan's stew.
Which was what I was doing right now.
Mouse had allowed me to skin two rabbits after observing that I actually did know how to handle a knife and I had brought them over to Frypan. No one mentioned our previous conversation, thank god, but there was something heavy in his eyes when he nodded at me.
I didn't try to help around in cooking the rabbit, instead I gravitated more to peel the vegetables and cut those.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized I hadn't really liked cutting up the rabbits and having the blood covering my hands.
In fact... They were shaking.
I stare at them, impassive and disconnected, before closing my eyes and taking controlled deep breaths. Everything was fine, it wasn't... I wasn't back there again.
"You okay there, Cricket?" Jim asked from where he was crouched a few feet in front of me.
"I'm fine," I tell him," It will go away."
"You sure?" He asked," Do you want me to call Fry?"
"There's no need," I shook my head," It will go away."
I heard him sigh," Okay, if you say so, but if you need...-"
"I'm fine," I cut him off, not really feeling up to this.
He sighs again but leaves me to finish eating in peace.
'I'm tired,' I sigh,' I don't want to be here.'
But where else would I go?
'There's nowhere to run to,' my mind tells me,' Unless you're prepared to never come back.'
I can picture the imposing Doors in front of me, covered in dead ivy and brownish stains, I can picture the seemingly endless Maze that hide behind it. The cold air, the slippery ground, and the macabre scenes you could find around every other corner.
And I can see myself running through that Maze. Running, always running, with a dagger clutched in one hand and the other signaling the others for whatever I hear or see.
But, in the end, there was no one left for me to signal. No one to run with me.
'But I still ran,' I whisper to myself.
'Liar,' my mind hisses at me.
I jolt from my sitting position, place my empty plate on the tank that served as a sink, and walked out the door. I needed air, fresh air and space was what I needed.
It was nighttime now, though there was still some sunlight, and the air had cooled somewhat. I was starting to notice that the Glade had fairly hot weather, something I was not used to.
I was grateful I had, for now at least, only been working 'indoors' as I was certain I wouldn't fare as well under the burning sun as I did in the shade. I had asked Frypan earlier if the weather cooled at certain times but was told that it was the opposite actually.
It was going to get warmer.
'Not good,' I muttered.
I walked to my tree in a sedated pace, no use to run there when all it would do was to make me more susceptible to triggers. Intentional or not.
I looked around as I walked, watched as the other guys went on with their lives smiling and laughing, and somewhere inside of my heart I hated them.
I twitched at the thought. Hate was a strong word, a powerful word, and I didn't really hate that many things. Or people.
But I knew hatred well, and I had seen what hatred could do to someone, so I was divided on my feelings for the Gladers.
On one hand, they hadn't actually done anything to offend me or make me dislike them, in fact they were quite likeable (at least some people were). On the other hand, however, they had everything I didn't have, or hadn't had, and that made me... envious?
Was it envy and not hatred I was feeling?
I didn't know enough to answer that. Ell probably would know but Ell had been someone who always had an answer for anything.
'Except when it came to socially accepted interactions,' I smiled sadly at the thought.
Ell had been... eccentric.
But we wouldn't have him any other way, none of us were completely sane either so it wasn't like we could complain. I wondered what he would think of this place, he would've liked it here, hell, even Tie and Leaf would've liked it here despite their obvious dislike for large crowds of people and being under someone else's authority.
I didn't like the latter either but... I wasn't going to do anything against it. Not alone. Not again.
'I don't think I could go though it all over again,' I closed my eyes and walked towards the forest blindly, guided by the sounds around me and the already memorized path.
Climbing was easier now that my back wasn't as sore and the cut I had had finally scabbed over, my bruises could still be seen but they weren't as angry as before. I could at least gently poke at them without it sending painful shocks through my chest and stomach, so there was that.
I still had a small bump on the back of my head, though, and I thanked Frypan for not telling Clint, he'd have chased me down with a net and be damned the consequences if he knew.
I smirked to myself.
That seemed like something Clint would do, worry about my injuries no matter how many times I hissed at him or told him to go away. He was too much like Tie in that sense.
'But you let Tie look at your injuries,' my mind recalled,' Even if that was because the only other option would be Leaf.'
I shivered.
Leaf, for all his gifts, would amputate an arm faster than he would make a splint and let it heal. And for Ell to help patch someone up than that person better have something to trade in return, the old miser.
'It hurts to remember them,' my heart twisted once more.
I pressed my legs closer to my chest and crossed my arms over them, resting my head lightly, and closed my eyes.
It did hurt. It hurt more than any injury I had received. Knowing all I had left of them were memories, broken memories at that, that I could not fully recall without some painful reminder that we had always been living on borrowed time.
'We were always meant to die, sooner or later, no one can keep running forever,' I told myself,' That was our truth. The only certainty we had. One day or the other we would die in that Maze.'
"So why am I still alive?" I asked aloud, feeling tears spring from my eyes and running down my face.
I didn't sleep well that night.
I was back in the Maze, running like always, headed north. It had rained last night so the ground was wet and I felt miserable. My stomach ached from where Leaf had kicked me earlier in one of our spars.
They were somewhere west of me I think, Ell had headed east today since he had some new traps he wanted to try out and both Tie and Leaf had volunteered to head west today instead of making me do it.
I heard Caps had been caught there last week and I wasn't eager to see if anyone had bothered to go back there for what was left of him.
No one ever did.
So I was all by myself today, if one ignored the other terrified dwellers of the Arena that had decided to head north like I had.
I recognized Buzz, one of Ell's bartering regulars, and Avis, the guy that sold weapons to those who could pay his prices, but the other two were unfamiliar to me.
Oh, sure I might've seen them around but I never really went that much farther than the entrance door of our burrow while alone and Leaf (the one that usually is responsible for me) was never one for socializing.
I was brought out of my musings though when I hear the sound of pounding drums.
As one we tense in reflex.
"Damn, they're headed this way." Buzz whimpers.
Ell had told me Buzz was kind of a coward but I never really thought about it before.
'Should I say something to him?' I wondered,' But why should I do that? He wouldn't either... right?'
I don't try to find and answer for that, instead I just sprint towards the nearest wall and start climbing the dead vines. It was dangerous, more often than not they were loose and you fell, but I knew that (of five) once we split in the next turn, one way would lead to a dead end and the other ran the possibility of being caught trapped between the moving walls.
I don't wait to see if any of the others follow after me, I honestly hope they don't, and climb as fast as Ell had taught me to, even if he could still climb faster than I ever hoped to achieve, before stilling completely when I hear the rushing sound of footsteps and loud crowing sounds approaching me.
My heart stutters in my chest.
I'm not exactly hidden, if they look up then it's easy to spot me among the vines, and that thought terrifies me but Tie always told me to never let my mind be overcome with fear.
'You have to keep your head on straight,' He told me,'The moment you lose yourself and can no longer think on your feet, it's the moment the Hunters kill you.'
I cannot stay here.
Slowly, so slowly as to not cause my vine to break off, I reach out for more vines and twist them around me.
'I have to hide myself,' I think,' If they mistake me for a clump of vine they will keep going forward.'
It's rather easier said than done, while there are many vines for me to hide underneath they are rather brittle and some even have thorns. My fingers bleed from where they got caught in said thorns and I hiss quietly when they snare on my scalp but it works.
They pass right underneath me, they don't even look up, and as soon as I see them turn around the corner I disentangle myself and restart climbing with renewed vigor. I'm about to reach the top when I hear the awful screech of terror coming from someone off to my left.
'Someone got caught,' I remember thinking, something rotten in my stomach.
At least it wasn't me...
That was what I felt at the time. Everyone else but me, it didn't matter if they died because I was still alive. I was still alive and in three hours I was going to enter the burrow and have Tie grumble about all the nicks and cuts I had on my fingers while Leaf would roll his eyes and Ell would tell us all about the traps he planted.
And everything would be fine.
Until it wasn't...
My dream changes. It's dark, Ell and I are struggling to hold Leaf down while he spits and snarls at us. He wants us to let him go, he's yelling at us that we have to let him go, that Tie is still out there and we have to go look for him.
Ell and I share a look, heavy and red-rimmed, but we do not say a word. We don't need to, Leaf already knows, he does, even if he does not want to believe it.
Suddenly there are hands on my throat and I can't breathe. I look up to see maddened eyes, blue as the sky and cold, so very cold, staring down at me.
He's snarling words I do not listen to, foaming at the mouth and fingers digging deep into my skin. I reach out for help but there's no one but us, just Leaf and I alone in the cold, uncaring, blood soaked earth of the Arena.
My eyes water due to the pain and my lungs scream for air, I struggle to get free but his grip is unyielding.
There are black spots covering my vision now, static muffling my ears, and I think to myself,'This is it.'
But it couldn't be.
It could not be.
Because... Because...
I scream in Leaf's face and kick him on the side, rolling out from underneath him, and throwing myself back at him. This time I'm the one straddling him, holding his wrists as he once again tries to reach out and strangle me.
He has a bigger reach than me, I'm the runt, the shortest and the youngest of all of us, the one who everyone knew would die in my first hunt if Leaf hadn't taken me under his wing. But I had spent the last two years honing my strength and skills so that I could survive, so that I could thrive, because god knew I was not going to give up.
I had something to live for.
I had made a promise.
And I intended to keep it.
'But you failed, in the end,' A malicious voice whispers in my ear,'And that's why you're here, isn't it?'
To see what could have been true, had you not destroyed it.
'Didn't he tell you, little Cricket?' The whisper cooed.
I see bloodied lips, strained in a humorless smile, mimic the words my mind replays constantly in dreams:
"This is all your fault. This is all your fault. You started this. We should have never let you live."
This is all my fault.
This is all my fault.
I jolt awake with a gasp, barely managing to hold on to the branch to keep me from falling down, once again, to the ground below.
Tears stream down my face silently and I muffle my sobs into my hands.
'I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... Please...'I cry.
I didn't mean to.
...fills the light air with visionary terrors, and shapeless forms of fear." - Junius