Chapter 3- The pros and cons of being a princess.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" SPLAT! "Urgh! I've got mud everywhere!" Laura complained, clambering out of the mud puddle she'd landed in. A hand reached down to help pull her out, and she took it, too shocked by her sudden teleportation (and horrified by the state of her clothing) to care about who was with her.

"Princess? Are you ok?" An unfamiliar voice shook Laura from her shock. She looked around for the princess, but only saw herself and the man in the red uniform helping her up. "What are you doing wandering around outside anyway? You're missing your etiquette lessons!"

Maybe he was just being sarcastic, but she had to be sure.

"Sorry, did you just call me princess? Yeah, don't. And what the hell do you mean; etiquette lessons? I'm not going to etiquette lessons!"

"It would appear that you need them, your Highness."

Laura coughed and spluttered in surprise. "What?" Then she fell into a faint.

When Laura came to, she was lying on a couch in a schoolroom, wearing a simple light blue dress and surrounded by worried maids. When they saw that she'd awoken, they left hurriedly, somehow managing to bow and scurry backwards out of the room without bumping into anything. Laura watched this feat with amusement, but when the last girl had left she sat up and scanned the room.

To her right, there was a forbidding-looking lady clad in charcoal grey, perched daintily on her seat behind a desk. She was glaring at Laura like her entire family had just been brutally murdered and Laura was personally responsible.

"Uh… hi! Look, I seem to have got mixed up in something, not sure what, but I'd appreciate it if someone could let me use a phone to ring my parents. I'd kinda like to be getting home around now…" She trailed off under the unknown lady's ferocious glare.

"So glad you're enjoying yourself with your little charade, but I rather think it's time to settle down and get back to work, yes?" Laura nodded vigorously. "So glad we agree" the lady purred.

"Now, since you've missed so much of this lesson, we really must get to work. Before we start though, I would just love to know what you thought you were doing today. A well-bred young lady does not leave her rooms on her own, particularly in peasant clothing! And I must say, I don't know what you were doing, pretending you weren't a princess! One would think that a fairly bright young lady such as yourself might realize that your father's oldest servant is always going to recognize you, covered in mud or not." She sighed and shook her head. "At least you seem to have learnt the most important lesson of Princess-hood: When in doubt, faint. I don't think it was theatrical enough, so today you will be practicing your swooning technique."

Laura sighed. It was going to be a long day.

The lady in gray Laura later learnt was her etiquette teacher, Lady de Houghton. She was every bit as strict as she had first appeared, and, no matter how many times Laura said it, would never listen to her when she claimed to not be a princess.

Laura wasn't finding life as a princess very fun, however; maybe the upcoming banquet would change her mind…

Or maybe not.

"Princess! Come and greet your guests! This is King Narcoleptic and Queen Impatient, and their son, the delightful Prince Whiny, your fiancé. They're from the neighbouring kingdom, and it's really rather important that you get along, so why don't we seat you next to your future husband?" Lady de Houghton was as blunt as ever.

"But… but… but… husband? Fiancé? Huh?"

"That's nice, your highness. Now go and sit down like a good girl, and wait for the main course."

And with that, she strode of, leaving Laura to make conversation with her 3 delightful companions.

"Um, hi! So… nice weather we're having, isn't it?" She smiled desperately.

"What? Oh, yes, yes, it's fine. Don't you think they could hurry up with the food? I'm starving here!" Queen Impatient certainly lived up to her name.

"I don't like the weather, actually. It's too sunny, it hurts my eyes, and when it's not sunny it rains, and then it's too wet to do anything and I get bored, and if it snows then it's too cold and the grounds slippery and then I fall over like I did last year and I got a graze on my knee and it really HURT!" Laura began to grit her teeth, but turned to King Narcoleptic, in case he had anything to say. No such luck. The king was asleep, head on the table, snoring gently.

"Aww, he's asleep! That's just so unfair, he never stays awake long enough to listen to me! I feel so unloved; he never ever ever has time for me! Why doesn't he care? I deserve a more attentive father, who looks after my every need. Why did I have to get him? And my mother never has the patience to listen to anything I say! I hate being ignored! It's so unfair! Prince Tactless's mother, Queen Melodramatic is much more sympathetic! Prince Sexist's father, King Narcissistic always has time for him! Well, so long as the topic of conversation is King Narcissistic, but that's better than what I get! Even Prince Enthusiastic's parents, Queen Naïve and King Anxious, are kinder to him than mine are to me! It's just not faaaaaiiir! By the end of this tirade, Laura was wondering how much trouble she'd get into for killing Prince Whiny, stuffing him in a sack and dropping him in the nearest river. Thankfully, she was spared from further ranting by the arrival of the food.

The servants set out the feast before her. It looked delicious. There was one tiny problem. Everything there either contained milk or was covered in breadcrumbs, chocolate or cheese, and with all her various allergies, Laura couldn't eat a bite of any of it! Except for one thing… It appeared that for this meal, Laura would have to eat nothing but her least favourite food, salami.

Oh the luxurious life of royalty.