Chapter Four: Food

"I was trying to channel Elvis B.A." Murdock explained and then took a big bite of his sandwich and swallowed it half chewed. Then went and took another big bite and swallowed it hastily.

"Whoa man, slow down this ain't no race." B.A. poured milk into Murdock's glass.

"Yeah Murdock make sure you chew." Face gave a friendly warning.

Murdock looked up from his sandwich and saw all of his friends watching him eat. He suddenly felt guilty that he was eating while they weren't. "Do you guys want some?" He asked holding the sandwich out to them. He didn't know if they'd eaten yet or not, or if they'd all gotten enough food. "I only took two bites there's still a lot left, enough to share."

"We've eaten ours already but thank you Captain." Hannibal spoke graciously from the other end of the table.

"Are you sure? What about you Big Guy, do you want some?" Murdock knew it took a lot to fill up his friend.

"I'm good man, you eat that it's yours." Murdock searched B.A.'s face to make sure he was telling the truth.

Murdock looked around the table once more and then went back to eating. This time he concentrated on chewing deliberately and slow, as much to keep from choking as to give everyone ample opportunity in case they changed their minds and wanted some.

Face went on regaling them with the story of a particularly disastrous date he'd once had. Amy wasn't paying much attention. After the whole golf ball lecture and shaking indecent Amy felt she really should try to be more alert and sensitive to Murdock. She figured paying a bit more attention to him could only help.

She sat wondered now if trying to share his dinner was something Murdock did often. She couldn't remember him doing it before but usually he ate with the team and saw for himself that they did indeed all have enough food. It could be that he was being oddly polite offering to share because he was uncomfortable eating while the rest of them didn't but that didn't strike Amy as his reasoning. Murdock's offer was much to genuine to be simple politeness.

She knew in her heart that his act of generosity was because of his memories of when the team were starving in the POW camp. Amy mused on the thought and came to the conclusion that it had upset him that he didn't see the others eat so he really didn't know if they'd had food or not?

It broke her heart. She could image the guys giving up their meager rations to help boost the strength of the weak and ailing pilot. She could hear his refusal to except their offer and his concern for them in turn in her head. The drama played out in her mind, she knew if it were a movie she'd be a sobbing wreck with an empty box of tissues by the end credits.

Murdock stopped mid bite when he noticed Amy staring in his direction. 'Was she staring at him or the sandwich' he was unsure. He was determined to find out. He leaned over to her so he didn't interrupt Face's story. he quietly asked her if she wanted part of his sub.

Amy blinked when Murdock whispered his question in her ear. She had drifted off into her thoughts and hadn't realized she'd been staring.

She felt bad when her eyes focused and she realized she'd been staring at his rarely bare arms. She quickly looked away from his visible scars and up at his eyes.

His face was open with genuine concern for her. 'He's concerned that I might be hungry' Amy realized. She shook her head 'no' in response to his question and smiled at him.

She was trying for a grateful and reassuring smile. It was apparent rather quickly that she hadn't pull it off when his expression suddenly shifted to guarded and questioning and he sat back awkwardly.

She had a sinking feeling that he must have seen pity she was feeling in her eyes.

Pity is a feeling of sadness and compassion. She couldn't help feeling it when she looked at Murdock. Every new layer that was revealed in his story uncovered a new tragedy. She felt bad yet again, It was very apparent from the look on his face that her pity was not something he wanted or understood.

She tried to amend the mistake she'd made. She leaned forward towards him now "That sandwich is for you, you eat what you want." She tried to sound friendly but she wondered after the words had left her mouth if they had sounded patronizing to him. She hoped not.

His expression didn't change, his eyes were narrowed and filled with question.

She reach out and put a hand on his forearm. It was a familiar friendly gesture in her mind, one that was meant to show him that she cared.

Her hand lay on his bare skin. Her thumb brushed against one of the round puckered scars she'd seen earlier. She looked down at her hand and the scar that she was touching and thought that 'whatever had caused it had most definitely been painful.'

She remembered the terrified look he'd had earlier, the word 'torture' flashed in her mind and all she wanted to do was help assuage his fear. He deserved that.

Amy looked back up and saw that Murdock was staring at her hand on his arm. When he looked up to meet her eyes she gave him a sympathetic look. 'Sympathy and pity weren't the same right?' She hoped it conveyed that she was here for him.

Murdock had only asked if she wanted some of his sandwich because he wanted to make sure she wasn't hungry. Now she was talking at him and looking at him like he was a four year old who's dog had died. 'what did she think was happening?' he wondered.

Her hand was still on him arm. He looked at it for a second it felt odd but he was still tired and was having a difficult time identifying the cause of the feeling. His let his mind process what he was seeing.

'Her hand was on his arm. Her hand was on his bare arm. Her hand was touching his skin with her thumb gently rubbing against one of the scars he'd gotten when a VC interrogator put a lit cigarette out on his arm.' His next thought gave him a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. 'She'd been staring not at his sandwich but at the scars on his bare arms and now she was giving him a look of pity.'

Murdock's mind kept working. 'she wouldn't pity him for just some old scars. That meant she must know where they came from. She must have heard all about their time in the camp. Why would the guys have told her so much? Told her something so personal?' There was one word that completed the equation for him. 'Nightmare.'

Murdock flinched back from Amy's touch startling everyone at the table. He could feel all their eyes on him as the room got quiet. He shrunk back embarrassed.

"Boy, darling your hand sure is cold." He tried to joke and deflect the attention. "We should find you some mittens before you catch cold." He drawled in a husky too emotional voice. The smile he stuck on his face looked awkward and didn't reach his eyes.

He stood up unexpectedly and started wrapping the uneaten half of his sub back in the paper it came in. "Can I put this in your fridge B.A.? I was thinking I'd just save it for later. It'll be there if you know anybody needs a midnight snack or something, it might make someone a good breakfast. Turkey subs are good for a balanced breakfast." Murdock rambled as he moved around the kitchen not really looking at anyone.

"Are you sure you're done Murdock, cause you only ate half?" Face knew he had heard the pilot's stomach growl earlier and he was concerned. He certainly didn't want Murdock not eating because he thought he or one of the other's might want the sandwich.

"Hum yeah Face I'm sure, I'm done." Murdock stood apart of the rest of them. He had his arms wrapped around himself again and along with a sad note in his soft voice Face saw something akin to hurt in Murdock's eyes when he looked back at him.

B.A. had noticed Murdock and Amy interacting before Murdock jumped up. The Sargent looked at Amy wondering what had happened between them that had upset his friend.

Hannibal sitting across from Murdock had had the best view of Murdock pulling his arm away from Amy. Hannibal surmised the younger man had become self-conscious under Miss Allen's new hyper exhaustive observation. He'd watched her watching Murdock like a David Attenborough nature documentary the whole time they were sitting at the table.

"I, I know it's late but can someone drop me back at the VA tonight?" Murdock directed the question to the floor and the walls looking to no one member of the team in particular. If he was going to go he sort of hoped Hannibal would take him. Hannibal was usually best at not treating him differently when he had a rough spell.

"Is that what you want?" Face asked seriously. Murdock wasn't often eager to go back to the hospital especially this late.

Murdock brought his hand up to rub his eyebrow partially obscuring his eyes. It was a telling gesture that the other guys knew meant the next words out of his mouth would be a lie. "There's an art therapy pottery class tomorrow morning that I'd hate to miss."

Murdock didn't wait for anyone to question him. He simply turned and walked out of the kitchen.

TBC...

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