Sorry I haven't been updating this like AT ALL but I've been busy working through life issues and junk. I'll try to update this on a sort of regular basis (don't hold me to anything) because I feel bad that I always leave you guys hanging for so long :'( and I KNOW THIS IS SO SAD and all that stuff and I'm sorry! But all of this has happened in game, sorta. I gave Annika war paint like Aela's once she died and she has been spending a lot of time around Serana though I don't think it's filling the void properly. And I didn't do anything with the Dawnguard for a long time after Aela died because I was holding a sort of grudge against them. So this is a pretty accurate fic.
Excruciating. That was the only word that came close to how everything constantly felt, yet it didn't properly describe it. The only thing that kept me even slightly grounded to reality was Serana. Even though she for some reason didn't feel completely comfortable with leaving the Dawnguard, seeing as she must have grown accustomed to the routines the hunters shared, she didn't hesitate in the slightest to follow me through those heavy doors. She told me later that she just couldn't let me go on my own after seeing my expression of absolute devastation. I admired her for that, appreciating her company greatly.
Through all my adventures throughout Skyrim I had of course had other companions at my side. Whether they were housecarls, sellswords, or individuals who were only with me temporarily because we shared a common goal. But they all left me after a while. It tended to be mutual, however. I either couldn't bear the tense feeling from knowing the person was only at my side because of the money I had given them, or because I was the Thane of a city - there was no friendship there. Or once the goal was accomplished the person didn't feel the need to stick around me anymore. And of course there was Aela. We went through very exciting adventures together yet it pained me to think of them once she was gone.
Now I had Serana. I wasn't entirely sure what to do about it. Aela had been a romantic companion, the others not exactly friends with me or almost complete strangers, but we were actually close. This was different. If anything or anyone ever hurt her, I took it very personally, which didn't make much sense. The only time that had happened before was when I was travelling with Aela. Because of the abrupt concern that would hit me whenever combat was initiated was so familiar, it simply made the thoughts of my deceased wife more prevalent in my mind. It was hard to endure all of the memories that ran rampant through my head. But I never vocalized any of this to Serana.
I couldn't return to my house. I just couldn't. I knew it would be too hard. Yet all my belongings were inside of it, or at least some important ones. It made me feel very helpless, knowing that I wasn't strong enough to go inside my own residence because of the nostalgic sadness I would feel. Even though I tried my best not to think about it, I was constantly worried that the two of us would have to go to Solitude for some reason. I didn't like crying. And I knew I would break down in tears if I saw that stone structure again.
I hadn't shed a single tear since the day I revisited the Dawnguard. It was hard sometimes but after the incredible embarrassment I felt after that unintentional sobbing fit, I would do anything not to experience that again. I also didn't speak of Aela aloud for fear of the dreaded liquid seeping from my eyes. It always made me feel weak and ashamed. I didn't need those two negative feelings added onto the ones I already felt.
Serana was a very considerate person. She knew all too well that I didn't want to talk about the tragedy if I had the option. I never enjoyed reliving painful events in my life. I usually never had to. I had heard other people say that keeping your emotions bottled up inside wasn't good. But I simply couldn't share anything regarding her. I knew that I would break down. I hated that more than anything in the world.
It was the hardest at night. Even though Serana was nocturnal, she changed her sleeping schedule just to accommodate me. I appreciated that as well. But because it was against her instincts she sometimes had a hard time falling asleep. It might take her a good few hours. I was patient, it was the absolute least I could do after everything she had done for me. We would sit around the fire for a while. For some reason I often found myself nearly letting all of my feelings spew from my mouth at those times. Maybe it was how utterly comfortable I felt around the considerate vampire. Maybe it was because sitting around the fire would also remind me of Aela and the grief became an even heavier weight. I wasn't sure.
We were sitting around the fire one night, roughly a month after the day I returned to the Dawnguard. I was extremely tense, my eyes never having moved from the flames to even glance in Serana's direction. I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. All I could think about was Aela. My heart was crumbling with every agonizingly slow second. I would give anything to see her again. Absolutely anything. My fists clenched tightly.
Why had this happened? Why was she taken away from me like that? The guilt overwhelmed me. It was my fault. I should have done something different, something that would save her. My dreams often involved reliving that situation, over and over again, I always tried something different each time but it never worked. I would always have to relive her death. And I would wake up in tears. It was so hard. I wasn't even slightly coping. Things weren't getting any easier to endure. If anything, everything was getting even more difficult.
I had needed her. I still needed her, but she wasn't there. The grief was agonizing. I was constantly emotionally exhausted. I needed help. I could tell this was just going to get worse with time instead of getting better. Generally I was optimistic in bad situations. But with this? I hadn't smiled in weeks. Sometimes I wondered if any of my smiles would be genuine from this moment on. I doubted it.
My mind was not being very considerate of my feelings at that moment. Even though I knew I didn't want to cry, all of my thoughts were being enveloped with memories of her. I remembered how enthusiastically she would greet me whenever I came home from a long journey. I remembered when we would train together and she would get overly competitive, but it was adorable. I remembered how she would be so flattered if I ever complimented her and would sometimes stumble over her words when trying to return the favor. I remembered how she would tell me she loved me several times throughout the day, randomly at different points. And I would always say that I loved her too. Because I did. So much.
Now the tears were really coming on. I took a deep breath, exhaling, hoping that would make them recede because it had worked a few times before. My eyes were glossy. I could tell. And by the lighting of the fire you would probably be able to see I was on the verge of bawling with little difficulty. I was conflicted. I didn't want to be comforted by Serana. I didn't want to burden her with this. It wasn't her problem. She hadn't even known Aela. She wouldn't understand. I could feel her eyes on me, it was almost as if they were burning holes into my cheek. Now that I was being watched, my ability to maintain my composure was dwindling even faster. I clenched my fists with more force than before, no doubt leaving deep fingernail imprints in my palm, my knuckles becoming white as snow. My blinking was becoming more rapid, a naturally reaction to try and dismiss tears that didn't ever seem to help much. My vision was blurring. I didn't want to cry. I hated crying more than anything.
But apparently I had no choice on the matter, because whatever willpower I had worked up abruptly shattered altogether as a single sob hit me like a battering ram. I buried my face into my hands on instinct, both hiding it from embarrassment and trying to muffle whatever sounds I made. It was just too hard to keep it all in. And even though I didn't want to admit it, because I wanted to remain strong and stubborn, I knew that I needed help. Currently I believed that the only person able to possibly get me that help was Serana. Maybe this would show her how broken I really was.
I felt her familiar ice cold hand gently grasping one of my wrists. She was trying to move my hands from my face but I wouldn't let her. My cheeks were on fire, blushing madly with the shame I felt. Whenever I cried like this I felt nothing but embarrassment, even if I was on my own. Because I knew that this was the ultimate sign of weakness, it showed people that you were vulnerable, breakable. I didn't want her opinion on me to change.
"Annika..." She spoke my name at a low tone, I could tell she was very close to me. I was shaking uncontrollably. This was ridiculous and it needed to stop.
"Annika, look at me." She spoke in a firmer tone this time, and though it was slightly sobering I couldn't pull myself from the fit of hysterics. It was only when I felt her grab my other wrist and she pulled my hands forcefully away from my face that we locked eyes. Her gaze was so intense it made me freeze, paralyzed.
Serana's fingers interlaced with mine. I had never once seen her look so... emotional. She was usually indifferent to basically everything. Now there were so many different things that I could detect from her expression, all of which I had never seen her show before. For some reason it reminded me of Aela. Though my entire body was numb I could slightly feel the tears ghosting down my cheeks.
"It's going to be alright." She muttered to me in a comforting, confident way. How could she be so sure of that? I felt myself starting to quake again.
This was embarrassing. I respected Serana tremendously and I appreciated everything she was doing, but I just couldn't endure the shame biting at me every second I shed tears. Somehow, even in my emotionally weakened state, I managed to break our eye lock and turn away. I tugged my hands from her grasp and placed one over my mouth, a tidal wave of sobs hitting me again.
Briefly I removed my hand so that I could speak coherently, "I'm sorry... I'm being ridiculous..." My composure was taunting me; almost returning for a few seconds then vanishing without a slight trace. I wiped at my eyes. Though I refused to look at her again I could still feel her staring at me. My breathing was ragged and patchy.
Serana grabbed my chin gently, turning my head to face her again. The motion was surprising and I was taken aback when I realized just how close our proximity was. Her cold forehead rested against mine.
"No you're not. This is completely normal. You're grieving." Her voice was soft and comforting. I appreciated what she was trying to do greatly, but in reality, I felt broken beyond repair.
The fact that she was inches from me made it rather hard for me to focus and form coherent words, "But I'm not coping." Was all that I could manage out. It was true. If anything I was just looking for ways to numb the pain.
She sighed slightly at my words and I felt her exhale on my lips, making me tense up though she didn't seem to take notice. Her eyelids fluttered closed - those glowing, entrancing scarlet irises leaving my sight, "You need to give it time."
"How much time, Serana?" My voice was abruptly set and much more steady than it had been before, though I wasn't sure why that was. It caught her attention and she opened her eyes once more, "How long would you be able to keep going if your heart was ripped out of your chest? How long could you endure that pain before you just..." My words faltered again and my composure faded. I was unable to complete my thought but I assumed she knew what I had planned on saying.
Sobs got caught in my throat and choked me. My shoulders started shaking and my head tilted downward. The only sound was the crackling of the dwindling fire and my occasional labored breath.
"I'm so sorry." Was all she said after dragging minutes of silence. The sincerity behind her words was sobering. I just wanted to sleep. Although that didn't provide much of an escape, since all of my "dreams" were nightmares in regards to Aela's death.
I felt like I needed to be alone. Sometimes I felt like that. My embarrassment was still very prevalent and it was astonishing I had managed to keep a blush from my cheeks. It wasn't Serana's fault, necessarily, she was genuinely trying to comfort me but I felt it was a lost cause. Happiness was elusive and unattainable for me. My outlook was depressingly bleak and it had never been that way before. I felt like an absolute shell of my former self - whatever charm, exuberance, or liveliness that my personality boasted having been drained from me as soon as that sword was thrusted through Aela's head.
Not caring about being rude I gently pushed forward with my hand, forcing Serana from me by pressing against her collar bones. I didn't have to be too assertive, she got my meaning quickly and backed away herself, watching with a cocked brow as I stood up shakily.
Right when she opened her mouth to no doubt question me, I spoke first, "I'm sorry... I just... need to get away for a while." I started to turn and leave but she protested.
"Annika, it's so dark out. You won't be able to see anything, it's too dangerous." That sounded like something Aela might say. Although those words never would have swayed the Huntress from doing what she had planned, she would've said them to me in order to keep me out of harms way. Her protectiveness was incredibly endearing. And missed. Serana reminded me so much of Aela it sometimes felt detrimental to the emotional recovery I was convinced I would never make.
I wasn't thinking straight. I just felt like I needed to get away. To be alone.
"Serana, please..." Without another word I put my back to her and started walking away from our small campsite located beneath a slightly secluded ridge. Normally I was very aware of where I was in regards to nearby civilizations or places I may be able to resupply myself, I hated being lost and spent hours studying maps. At that moment, though, I could've been in Haafingar or the Rift and I would've had no way of discerning which was correct.
I barely made it five steps before cold, undead fingers latched firmly onto mine. It wasn't a tight grip, nor was it strong, but it held me to my spot effortlessly. My emotional stability could only last for so long. Though part of me still wanted to be alone, the vampire's concern was so palpable that on its own dissuaded me. She didn't need to say anything else. We stood there for lingering seconds until I finally turned to face her. Again, she looked so emotional - a quality she normally didn't sport. It wasn't like she was a stoic plank of wood, or anything like that, but if she did feel strongly about something she wasn't one to openly express that unless it was a very pressing matter. I didn't consider this to be pressing and I felt my chest lighten when I realized that she must have.
We sat back down at the campfire. I scooted very close to it, my entire body shuddering. I knew it wasn't from cold but I didn't know what else to do. She sat at my side this time instead of opposite the burning coals. Her skin was perpetually cold so the fire didn't affect her.
"You're right." She spoke up just as I had started to possibly doze off. I didn't know what she was referring to but she had my utmost attention, though my eyes couldn't seem to be torn from the low flames in front of us, "You aren't coping. You're suffering. And that's not good for you."
"It feels like I'm dying." I whispered so quietly I almost couldn't hear it. Whether or not she had wasn't made clear.
"I think you need to confront this more directly. You need closure. Something, anything that might lighten this weight on you. Nobody can withstand grief like this forever. It breaks people. I've seen it happen. And the last thing in Tamriel I want is to see it happen to you." My frown became more bitter.
I didn't know what she wanted me to say to that. How was I supposed to get closure? I had already killed the atrocity that had taken my beloved wife away from me, what else could I do? Find and kill every vampire that walked the earth? Eradicate the Dawnguard, even though it wasn't their fault, just because I felt like I had to blame someone else? I had properly honored her body, I had donned her war paint, I had done everything in my power to make it somehow feel like she was still with me. I had attained as much closure as was possible.
"I don't know how to go about that." I finally responded. It wasn't the answer she had wanted, that much was obvious. I had never heard anyone sound as listless as I did at that moment. That realization affected me much less than it should have.
"What have you been avoiding, Annika? What have you completely steered clear of because you're scared of how much it will hurt?" I knew the answer but I didn't want to say it. Because I wasn't just scared, I was mortified, convinced I wouldn't be able to withstand the inevitable pain. "You have to deal with it. Eliminate that fear. Don't let it take control over you. Don't give it the power."
I remembered when I first bought our gorgeous house in Solitude - how uncertain I was because of the high price, fearing it may have been a wasted investment. The shakiness on the decision I had made faded immediately as soon as I walked through the doors and felt so abruptly at home. Something about it, about the way the sunlight shone through the windows, about the way you could smell a cooking spit and musty books, about the way you could hear the children outside playing tag or the aspiring bards practicing near the college, it just made me feel so at ease.
I knew I had to get Aela out there with me. She was adorably stubborn and I knew that, but I had a feeling she would have the same sensation I did when she entered Proudspire Manor and she would have no qualms with the move. I approached her as she trained behind Jorrvaskr, greeting her with a smile and a kiss before wrapping my arms loosely around her waist and telling her the news. She was conflicted initially. It had only been a month or so after I asked her to stop accompanying me on my travels - the worry that I felt too overwhelming after she had gotten her arm broken by a frost troll. After that she had returned to Jorrvaskr where she was certainly welcome, and she continued her previous Companion duties, content from what I could tell.
I told her I wasn't taking no for an answer and that I wasn't going anywhere without my perfect wife before nipping at her ear. She had blushed intensely and nudged me away, worried someone might see us. She wasn't at all ashamed of our relationship and it wasn't much of a secret but she didn't care for public displays of affection. I was relentless in my efforts and proceeded to advance on her, making her collapse into an uncontrollable giggling fit that made the grin on my face permanent. Nobody was nearby from what I knew, but either way, she was irresistible to me. Finally she gave in and just let me kiss her, which I eagerly did. Still embarrassed and uneasy, however, she managed to sneak the two of us into the underforge without ever once breaking away. We had made love there, adding onto the list of obscure places we had done so. Our connection was too strong at times and the lust couldn't be subdued. Said list included various Nordic and Dwemer ruins, Blackreach, the basement of the Falkreath inn, a collapsed tower amongst many others in Helgen, and the shrine of Azura.
When I was with her in that way, it was like nothing else mattered. It was like I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, it was like I didn't have dozens upon dozens of responsibilities to deal with, it was like there weren't hundreds of various groups and people who would do anything to see me dead. It was as if she and I were the only people in the world. Whenever we were spent, she would always fall against me, out of breath, and would manage out three simple words, "I love you". No matter how many times she said them, they never lost their meaning to me. Every time I heard them, my heart swelled and my stomach fluttered.
And I would never hear her say those words again.
I started weeping. The guilt was unbearable. It tore at my soul every day. Weakened me, bit by bit, blow by blow. I had never missed someone so much in my life.
Serana slung an arm around my shoulders as I hugged my knees against my chest, concealing my face behind them. Despite how reluctant I was to do it, I acquiesced. Serana was right. She seemed to always be right with this sort of thing. Maybe she knew from experience. Honestly I didn't know and I didn't plan on asking. At that moment I simply forced the next words past my lips.
"My house. In Solitude. It has a lot of my things. I've been unable to set foot in there." I would like to say that my voice was steady and coherent but that was far from the case. Miraculously, the patient vampire at my side managed to roughly decipher my words.
"We're nearby. This will be good for you, Annika, I promise. I'll be there the entire time. We'll set off tomorrow." The way she said that let me know I didn't have a choice. And I wasn't sure how to feel about that.