Batman and all related characters and elements belong to DC Comics, Negima and all related characters and elements belong to Akamatsu Ken.

I make no money at all out of this story.

Enjoy and Review. Or else Papa J will pay you a visit. He doesn't like when his girls are ignored, you know!

Extremely Radical Makeover

"Oh dear, " Chizuru covered her mouth with a hand.

"We... We had heard about the bullet wound, of course, but... but..." Ayaka's voice trailed off.

He chuckled, running a finger down his shaved short hair, then over the bullet hole on his forehead, and the hideous scars fixing his red grin in place, now permanently. "This is my newest reinvention. The Clown at Midnight. The Dastardly Dandy of Death. The—"

"WAHHH!-!-!" the Jokerettes began to wail. Even Evangeline seemed to be holding back childish sobs, her face red. "WE WANT OUR OLD DAD BACK!-!"

"Oh, but look! I'm much better now! I even worked on the things no one usually sees..." He stuck his tongue, now split in half at its point, like a viper's forked tongue. "Don't you like it?"

"IT'S HORRIBLE!" Asuna screamed.

"WE DIDN'T BREAK YOU FROM ARKHAM TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS!" Konoka bawled.

"CHAO!" Eva commanded. "PREPARE YOUR SURGICAL TABLE! WE NEED TO CHANGE HIM BACK IMMEDIATELY!"

Joker blinked, the asked hopefully, "Can we skip the anesthesics this time?"

Also, twenty issues later or so, the Jokerettes killed Dr. Hurt. Who was the Devil. Or not. Honestly, not like it'd make any more sense if I re-read it again.

American Idol

Misa smiled at the Youth Probation officer. "— and no one was left dead or too hideously disfigured, see? After all, we couldn't have a good show with a dead audience, could we?"

The young man looked at her over his glasses. "Do you find that a justification for your taking over a whole TV show, gassing the public, and forcing the contestants and judges to beat each other up before the TV cameras?"

"We had to!" Misa sneered angrily. "Those jerks wouldn't allow me, Sakurako, Madoka and Ako in the show! Isn't this supposed to be a country of equal opportunities for everyone?"

She crossed her legs seductively and made a cute pout. "Don't you think we immigrants are discriminated far too often, Jerry-kun...?"

"Ah, well, that is..."

"But we can be just as warm, kind and loving as you born Americans are..."

"Ah, ah, sure..."

...

Misa made a V sign as she was led back into the cell. "We get out on parole next month!"

Sakurako gave her a thumbs up. "I told you that good luck charm I gave you would work!"

Misa patted herself on the crotch. "... Bull! This was the only charm I needed!"

"Hey, look, there's a talent contest in the East Side in 45 days, too...!" Madoka didn't lift her eyes from the Gazette.

Cosplay

"Ah, you finally came back, " Asuna turned around in her chair as the lair's doors flew open from the outside. "How did the stunt with Dent go?"

Chisame grinned and gave her a thumbs up. "Excellently! They did it like true pros!"

Behind her, Ako smiled pleasantly, looking down at her nurse outfit. "You know... I think I might have found my true calling with this..."

Joker fixed the skirt of his own nurse outfit. "I must admit it feels better than expected..."

Prank

April 1st:

"Oh, man!" Misora slapped herself on the knee, laughing hysterically. "Oh man, even I didn't expect for it to go that well!"

Joker hummed, crossed his arms behind his back, staring at the burning city. "Not bad..."

Stockholm Syndrome

The Joker crossed his arms. "No!"

"Why not?-!" Misora protested.

"Because we're going to give her back!" her 'Dad' argued. "The ransom was already paid!"

"Since when do you worry about fulfilling your word?" Misora argued, hugging the dark skinned child close to her.

"Listen, I'm all for breaking promises, but we already backed away on the last two kidnappings!" he exposed. "If we keep doing this, people just won't start paying when we kidnap their loved ones!"

Misora pouted, not letting the kid go. The kid hugged her back. "That's your fault! We told you not to kill those two hostages! Now why must I be the one to pay for that?"

"Because I'm the leader of the gang, that's why! Give me at least two good reasons why we should keep that girl!"

Misora and Cocone immediately aimed guns at his head.

Joker didn't even flinch. "... You'll have to try something better."

"Ahem, " Evangeline coughed from where she sat indolently in a corner. "I think I could have a solution. We just need to replace this useless girl with one similar enough for her parents to fail at noticing the switch."

The Clown Prince groaned. "Surely those foreign fat cats couldn't be THAT stupid..."

One day later, Mr. and Mrs. Rosa stared down at the dark skinned girl sitting before them.

"Darling, I don't quite believe this is our Cocone..."

"Love, thet clearly have cut her hair short, and as for her altered behavior, well... four months living with those fiends would do that to anyone."

"That, and you aren't paying any more money, are you?"

"That's why I married you, my Dear. You're always so perceptive..."

The girl smiled at them. "I'm Cocone Maria Fatima Taro Rosa Seikutsu! Pleased to meet you, Mister Papa, Mistress Mama!"

Back at the funhouse, Misora cooed loudly, rocking Cocone back and forth in her embrace. "Ooooohhh, true love conquers all again...!"

Cocone didn't smile, but kept on hugging her all the same.

Chizuru was practically beaming. "Ara ara, I never had seen Misora-chan so happy before!"

Joker grumbled, looking through the newspaper. "Yay, joy is us. Hey, this looks good! Princess Theodora from Wherever is coming this weekend to Gotham! Looks like an easy job for giggles! This huge bodyguard she has behind her shouldn't be too much of a problem..."

Unholy Matrimony

Father Enoch Brown gasped as the knife's cold blade was pressed tightly against his throat by the green haired tiny puppet sitting on his shoulder.

"Begin now, Padre, " the doll spoke, with a low, threatening, but also giddy and cheerful, tone in her voice.

"V-Very well..." the old man nodded stiffly, trying to hold on to his bladder as he began to recitate the words from memory.

Robin-kun swallowed hard as he squirmed in the tuxedo he had been forced into. The Jokerettes were tightly gathered around him, the rest of the church taken over by henchmen of the Joker's gang and a happily sobbing Harley Quinn. The J-Man himself was notoriously absent.

The priest started, trying to keep his voice from cracking, "Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join these thirty one young women and this young man in matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these thirty two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their—"

"I OPPOSE!" a voice shouted from a window. Negi looked up with relief.

"Damn! Nightwing-kun!" Natsumi allowed herself an uncharacteristic slip of the tongue.

The boy clad in black and blue stamped a foot down. "NIGHTWOLF! NIGHTWOLF! For the last time, my name's NIGHTWOLF! Why do you insist on calling me 'Nightwing'?-! Do you see any wings on me? NO!"

"Isn't Nightwolf a Mortal Kombat character?" Yuuna grumbled.

"That aside, " Asuna said, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"What the hell do you think?" Nightwolf spat. "I came to rescue Robin from your filthy hands! And I didn't come alone!"

"Batgirl!" Tsukuyomi jumped up to Kotaro's side, pulling her swords out and staring straight at Setsuna.

"The Huntress!" Takane dropped down to Kotaro's other side, smirking confidently.

"S-S-Spoiler!" Mei joined the heroic group pose, staying close to Huntress.

"... What kind of lame name is 'Spoiler'?" Misa wondered.

Evangeline sighed. "Let me handle this, since I want to be over quickly..."

Five minutes later, she was fixing her wedding gown, getting back to her position before the altar. Nightwolf, the Huntress, Spoiler and Batgirl were now all neatly tied next to Robin.

"... Thanks a million for the rescue, friends, " Negi couldn't help droning.

"Maybe this isn't as bad..." Batgirl pondered as Setsuna grabbed her by an arm, Konoka by the other.

"Again, " Chachazero urged, pressing the knife back against the father's throat.

"S-Sure thing!" the old man gulped. "Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join these thirty one young women and these five young crime fighters in matrimony, which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly. Into this holy estate these thirty six persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their—"

"I OPPOSE!" The Joker himself appeared at the church's gates, seething madly.

"P-P-Puddin'!" Harley gasped.

Then a huge black figure broke through the ceiling, dropping gas bombs all over the church, making Makie and the twins shriek. The Batman himself landed on the middle of the aisle, snarling with fury. "I oppose as well."

"Batman! We're saved now!" Robin smiled.

"I have... a bad feeling about this..." Huntress shared.

The thirty one Jokerettes stared at each other as if silently debating what to do, then shared a collective nod.

Half a hour later, as the speeding stolen school bus zoomed down the street, the Joker and Batman hung down chained from the ceiling, over the leftovers of the wedding cake. Father Brown panted in and out at a corner, wondering exactly how had he survived all that.

"... Well, I didn't expect them to react that way," Joker admitted. "I guess my little girls are growing up."

"Shut up," Batman growled.

"The Power of Love beats everything else!" Bat-Ermine piped in as he popped out from behind the altar.

"On the plus side, they left some cake for us," Joker added.

"I told you to shut up," Batman repeated.

Harley approached, smiling sheepishly and holding a camera up. "Mistah Jay, whatcha say 'bout one more picture, but now with the other Father-In-Law?"

I once had a Girlfriend Named Peggy Sue

"Ho-hum, " the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham in ruins. His Jokerettes decorating the walls. Batman's head at his feet. "This won't do, " he complained. "Not like this! It lacked panache! It didn't have enough pizzazz! Batman's death deserved better!"

"Then, what will you do?" Sayo asked, hanging in mid-air behind him.

"I'll just do it all over again, but with a TWEEEEEEEST!" the Clown Prince proclaimed, stomping over to what used to be Chao and retrieving her Cassiopeia.

...

"Ho-ho-hum!" the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham was burning. His Jokerettes were crispy. Batman and Robin were black as charcoal. "No, no, too Firefly!, " he protested. "It's still all wrong! I can't even see them smiling this way! It's even worse than before!"

"Another try, Daddy?" Sayo guessed.

He nodded firmly, pulling the watch back out. "Another try, yes!"

...

"Ho-ho-ho-hum!-!" the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham was a nuclear wasteland now, and it felt very hot inside of his lead lined protection suit. Even Evangeline had been reduced to something barely recognizable. Batman and Robin had been melded together in a grotesque crumbling sculpture. "You know what? No. No way. It was funny at first, with the first few explosions and the glowing lights, but... no, death by radiation isn't the way to go, either. A shame, after all the work involved in getting all that uronium and plutonium. It lacks the personal, warm touch all good genocide must have! Don't you agree, Sayo?"

The cute ghost yawned. "Try again?"

He snorted. "What do you think?"

...

"... I knew it'd eventually get to this, " the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham driven mad, the masses rioting, pillaging and raping each other. His thirty girls piling up on Robin suffocating him under their combined weight. "I don't mind the utter chaos part, but when everyone's insane, what point is there on being insane? It makes me... normal! Ew, I feel so dirty! Sayo! Take notes!"

A sigh. "Yes, Daddy?"

"Last time I follow one of Haruna's plans!"

"Something else, Daddy?"

"Yes! Last time I mix love potion and Joker venom and unleash it all over Gotham!" He took one look over his shoulder and cringed. "I don't need to see Bats and Bane like THAT ever again!"

As her father grabbed the Cassiopeia once again, Sayo asked, "Daddy?"

"Yes, dearie?"

"Next try, whatever you do, can you try and get me a body? I can't believe I'm still the only one who hasn't humped Robin-kun to literal death..."

Gang War

The old, dusty big warehouse suddenly came alive with the sounds of guns being pulled out and their soft clickings as they were aimed.

"Desist, " Chachamaru requested politely, dressed as an old Prohibition era gangster. "You should know well your guns will have no effect on me. Please allow me to claim this whole area for Scarface-san."

"Oh, yeah? This rocket launcher's got enough punch to blow your head right outta your shoulders, Chacha!" Asuna grunted, lifting the heavy weapon up and aiming it between the gynoid's eyes. "I don't want to hurt you, so walk out and let me claim this turf for Black Mask-san!"

Then Asuna felt two small handguns being pushed against the back of her head. She heard Fuuka and Fumika giggling. "Nah, you'd better surrender it all for our dear Two-Face-kun!"

Makie pouted and aimed her shotgun at the twins. "Oi, why must you make this so difficult? Just go away and let Riddler-sama to have this sector, okay?"

Mana huffed, pointing a gun at Makie and another one at the Narutakis. "Please, you all know you are outmatched against me when it comes down to this. Gotham City now belongs to the Penguin gang."

Satsuki sighed and held a hand grenade up. "I abhor violence, so I'll just do this; if you don't leave now, I'll pull this pin and fill this whole warehouse with fear gas. So much of it you'll have hear attacks. Please, just let Scarecrow-sama to win this."

Chachamaru looked at her. "... Go ahead."

"Oh, no, she won't, you smart girl!" Asuna barked, pushing the rocket launcher further.

"C'mon!" Misa whined, as she, Madoka and Sakurako held their own, aiming in all directions. "Just let us win, for Auntie Ivy's sake! Or Harley-Mama will be sad!"

"The future belongs to Mad Hatter-sama!" Chizuru bellowed at the top of her lungs, waving her guns rather dangerously. "Gotham will be his Wonderland, and we'll all be his Alices! Surrender to the unavoidable!"

Zazie sighed and slapped the mind controlling hat off Chizuru's head.

The busty girl blinked. "Ara ara... Who was I working for this time?"

Kazumi aimed a freeze ray gun at her face. "As of now? The Freeze gang."

Chizuru blinked, then smiled. "Sounds good!"

As the tense standoff continued, Nodoka, who was holding a corner of the warehouse along Yue and Haruna, all three of them in rather non descript clothes since they were working for Hugo Strange, looked at Natsumi, who just stood there with her arms crossed behind her back. "Natsumi-chan? Who are you supposed to be with?"

"Oh, I'm working for Clayface-sama," the actress answered.

"... And why aren't you carrying any guns?" Haruna frowned.

Natsumi shrugged. "I don't need them."

"And... why would that be?" Yue began to dread.

Natsumi smiled. "He injected me with his blood," she commented casually, then outstretched an arm which became a huge axe. "I'm, well, a Clayface. And you're all, if you forgive my rudeness, fucked."

"... Crap," Asuna droned.

But then the warehouse's doors flew open.

And he walked in, closely followed by a dutiful Chisame, open laptop in hands. "See, Dad? I told you I could find them!"

They all paled, visibly even despite the makeup.

"Oh... Hi, Daddy..." Yuuna gulped, lowering her copies of Deadshot's wrist guns.

"Nice to see you... ahhh... could escape Arkham again..." Kazumi offered.

"This... This isn't nothing, really!" Asuna laughed shakily. "We, We only were making some small money to spring you out! Honestly!"

The Clown Prince snorted. "So, who does this city belong to?"

"You, Dad!" they all chorused.

Doing a low, humming sound, he looked over at Natsumi. "Nice change. I like it."

"Th-Thank you, Father."

"... Can we all go for ice cream now, to celebrate?" Fuuka looked hopeful.

Survivor's Guilt

No one but myself ever thought I'd survive them all. Everyone thought that yes, I'd kill a few myself because I'm that evil, but eventually I'd be killed by someone else, or they'd turn on me before too many of their lives were lost.

But I am Chaos, the primordial Joke of the absurdity of life itself, and as long as there is life, the Joke will persevere. Okay, the fact I eventually found a way to perpetuate my consciousness as a spreading cybernetic virus with backup copies and support bodies all across the galaxy may have helped, too.

Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do bad things happen to fundamentally good people? Because! Haven't you been paying any attention?

Of course, I miss them. They were amusing people, and that's the real reason why I never killed any of them. But really, everything I need is Batman. And there always will be a Batman around as well. As long as there's Chaos, there'll be an Order to oppose it. Our dance is truly eternal. Children aren't.

Still, sometimes, I vaguely feel like I should feel some sort of Survivor's Guilt.

And try as much as I can, I never can prepare my tea the way Chachamaru used to make it.

Thou Shall Not Kill

STAR Labs

"The subject has just escaped. Find her and contain her at all costs!"

Such was the message through all the complex, and Chachamaru's scanners could receive it clearly as she rushed for an exit, any exit. After the gang's capture, nothing had gone right for her. Denied the possibility of being with her sisters, declared a non-human entity and an object for all legal intents and purposes, she had been brought to STAR to be disassembled, analyzed, then put back together.

Time and time again.

She couldn't take it anymore.

She wouldn't be getting back there.

No matter what.

And then, she was surrounded from all angles.

Battalions of armored men trained assault weapons on her.

A woman in a white lab coat stood before them all, gesturing for her to calm down, to surrender. "Chachamaru. It's me, Dr. Carradine. You must desist in this foolish attempt. We do this for your own good."

"No," she said. They both knew that was a lie, that they never had her best interests in mind. So the doctor only frowned, and dropped the pretenses.

"Chachamaru, to fight through all of us, you'd have to kill us. And we know you don't kill. No matter what."

The gynoid lowered her head. "No. I don't."

She extended her hands ahead. "Take me back, then. Please. Before Protocol Zero starts..."

Dr. Carradine made an interested pause. They never had learned about that, even when looking through her data banks. "Protocol Zero. What is that?"

"Deeply encrypted, coded secretly..." Chachamaru seemed to tremble. "Please, deactivate me now. Ultimate safety measure... You could... Could be..."

Then she tensed as Hakase's voice spoke softly in her head.

Omega Level Danger to the unit's long term safety detected. The Karakuri Chachamaru personality has just been declared insuficient to keep the body's integrity. Overriding the current personality, activating the Protocol Zero.

"Chachamaru?" Dr. Carradine asked.

Hakase's voice continued, only for her creation to hear. Implanting temporal patch of Father's personality. Employing lethal force has just been allowed.

Chachamaru's last rational thought was one of deep sadness and regret.

Then she grinned from ear to ear.

"Chachamaru?" Dr. Carradine repeated.

That was the last word she ever said.

When Chachamaru recovered consciousnes, she found herself standing on top of a hill, fully alone, her clothes ragged and tattered, covered by blood from head to toes. Her surroundings seemed to indicate she had made her way all up to Alaska. Hakase never let anything to chance when it came to escapes.

Chachamaru buried her face between her hands. "I'm not a murderer, " she whispered to herself. "I have never killed anyone."

She flew down to the nearest lake in the woods, ripped what remained of her clothes off, and began bathing, trying to take all the blood off herself.

That took only a few moments, as fast as she scrubbed herself. And of course, she had no memory of the events themselves.

And yet, she knew she never would be clean. In body, mind or, if she actually had one at all, soul.

The Straight and Narrow Path

"Yue, " Nodoka finally said, lifting her head up from the plans.

"Yes, Nodoka?" Yue followed her gaze, looking into her half hidden eyes.

"I have been thinking a lot about this lately. Maybe... M-Maybe we should just follow Robin-kun and Batman-sama's advice. And, well, you know, quit this lifestyle. Leading honest, lawful lives from now on."

Yue raised an eyebrow. "Nodoka, are you feeling okay? You know Dad—"

"D-Dad has all the other girls, and Harley-mama, to help him!" Nodoka yiped. "B-But I'm not sure I want to keep doing that anymore! I'll always love Dad and the girls, but... I'm so tired, Yue. I want to lead a simpler, quieter, happier life. With Robin-kun. And you. And we know that'll never be possible as long as we... you know..."

"As long as we're criminals," Yue summed up.

Nodoka nodded sadly.

"Are you sure that's what you really want?" Yue asked again.

Another hesitant nod. "Would you... W-Would you follow me even then? I-I don't want to pressure you or anything, but... but..."

Yue smiled and rubbed her friend and adoptive sister's cheeks fondly. "Nodoka. You know I'll always follow you, no matter where or how. If that's your decision, I'll be 100% behind you. Even if Dad opposes it. I'll go wherever you go, and support you regardless of what you decide to do with your life."

Nodoka cried happily, her eyes tearing up. "Thank you so very much, Yue...!"

"However, " Yue lifted an index finger, "Remember, even with good behavior, we'll be serving time for ten years here. I don't mind waiting here with you, but in that time, Robin-kun will settle down with Batgirl instead. Or the Huntress or Spoiler. Or Starfire."

Nodoka's face paled horribly.

Both girls shared a sigh and returned to studying her escape plans.

"It was nice to dream about it, though..." Nodoka mused.

"Yeah. It was. Say, maybe if we place explosives at this point, we can open a tunnel leading right into the riverbank. From there, it's only a short swim to Gotham. I think we can fix some explosives at the laundry room..."