Title: Lost and Confused

Author: jwolf11209

Pairings: Jacob/Paul

Rating: MA

Warning: M/M, mpreg, language

Disclaimer: The characters used in this story do not belong to me.

Chapter: 4

Summary: Jake was so tired, he just wanted to close his eyes and go to sleep, but he was afraid of the dreams he might have if he gave in to his exhaustion.

Chapter 4

Curled up in his bed, a pillow held close to his chest, he wished he could just put an end to it all. He didn't want to live through the pain of another day. Jake hated to be so cliché, but he couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and he felt as though his life would have no meaning as long as Paul wasn't a part of it.

He saw Paul's face everywhere, it seemed. When he finally managed to fall asleep, there Paul would be, telling Jacob how unworthy he was of his, or anyone's, love. He would wake up drenched in sweat, crying uncontrollably, and completely embarrassed by his own weakness.

The wet dreams were even worse. Everything would be perfect; Paul holding him close, whispering sweet nothings in his ear, thrusting deep and slow inside Jacob. It was everything he wanted, and as soon as he woke up and realized it wasn't real, he felt worse than ever.

Jake was so tired, he just wanted to close his eyes and go to sleep, but he was afraid of the dreams he might have if he gave in to his exhaustion. He stared out the window, noting that the weather suited his mood perfectly. Gray and black clouds dominated the sky, threatening a storm to come. He could hear the wind howling as it swept through the trees, battering the house so that it groaned in protest.

He heard the creak of his bedroom door as it opened, but he didn't look away from the window. Jake didn't want to see anyone, didn't want to hear anymore sympathetic words that failed to make him feel anything but anger. Nobody knew what he was going through. Everyone kept telling him not to pay attention to his dreams, that it wasn't his fault that Paul had rejected him, but Jake couldn't see another reason for his imprint to refuse him. And if his imprint, the one person he was meant to be with forever, didn't want him, why would anyone else?

And then he was seeing Paul again. What, was he having hallucinations now? Great, now I can't avoid seeing him even when I'm awake! His sarcastic internal monologue was not helping at the moment. Jake was surely going to go crazy if he couldn't avoid Paul's acerbic comments even in his waking hours.

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the vision of Paul standing in front of his window, looking so beautiful with his muscled bare chest and stomach gleaming in the sparse moonlight. Jake braced himself against the harsh words that the imaginary Paul would no doubt start spewing at any moment. It wouldn't stop the pain that exploded in his chest every time he heard his imprint's voice telling him that he was unworthy, but he couldn't help but try.

"Go away," he whimpered quietly, feeling stupid for talking to someone who wasn't real, but he couldn't stand to look at that gorgeous face and then listen to the horrible words that always came soon after his imprint appeared to him.

When the hallucination failed to speak, Jake dared to open his eyes again, and was surprised to find Paul much closer than he'd been just moments ago. And then Paul crouched down by the bed, not even two feet away from Jacob, and it was so hard not to reach out to his imprint.

It's not real, it's not real, it's not real…

He repeated the words over and over to himself, because he didn't want to go through this again. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't deal with getting everything he'd ever wanted, and then having it ripped away again. And if things went the other way, he couldn't handle the harsh words that came from Paul so often in his nightmares. He didn't want to hear how unworthy he was, or how impossible it was for anyone to love him. He knew already.

The fear of hearing those words again was almost overwhelming. His breathing got faster, his heart beating so hard it felt as if it would escape from his chest. Jacob's chest ached, but it didn't feel the same as the pain that came from being away from Paul. He couldn't catch his breath, and he didn't know what was happening.

I can't breath! Why can't I breathe? What's happening to me?

He could feel the sweat coating his body, but he was trembling with cold. He had to close his eyes as a sudden attack of dizziness hit him. Everything was happening so fast, and he still couldn't catch his breath.

Am I dying? It feels like I'm dying…

Jake hugged his pillow more tightly, gasping for breath, trying to calm his racing heart. But nothing was working. The fear was consuming him, wrapping around his mind and squeezing the life right out of him.

I don't want to die…

It was his last thought before he felt strong arms wrapping around him, and then a deep, soothing voice spoke directly into his ear.

"Breathe, Jacob. Deep and slow, okay?"

Somehow the voice penetrated his mind even through the panic, and it felt as if the voice controlled his every move as his body automatically obeyed the command. His breathing evened out, becoming slow and deep. Some of the tension left his body, the pain in his chest letting up just a bit.

"Alright," the voice continued. "Now think of something really good, something relaxing, like the ocean. Picture yourself on the beach, watching the waves roll in to lap against the shore. Feel the breeze as it brushes against your skin."

Again, Jake did so automatically, not even having to think about it. He could see the vast ocean laid out in front of him, hear the waves as they rolled in toward the shore. He could even feel the sand sinking between his toes, and it soothed him. His body relaxed even more, his heartbeat becoming a slow and sure staccato in his chest. The voice hummed approvingly, and he could feel a warm hand rubbing his chest and stomach in soothing circles. He snuggled back into the warm body, not even caring who it was, just that they were making him feel better than he had in ages. He stopped shaking, his body soaking up warmth from the person behind him.

The fear dissolved, disappearing as rapidly as it had come. But the relief didn't last long, as he slowly recalled the reason for his abrupt panic attack. He had seen Paul, in his bedroom. He had been dreading the outcome of the apparition's visit.

His body tensed as he realized there was a person behind him, in bed with him. Who was in bed with him, holding him so close? It had to be another wolf, since the body temperature was way too high for a human. But why would one of his pack mates be holding him like this, with a hand still slowly rubbing over his chest and belly?

Did the hallucination still have hold of him? Was he just imagining the presence at his back and the soothing hand still caressing him? But what about the panic attack? He didn't know what the hell was going on. Everything had happened so quickly, and now he was confused, and scared to find out the truth of everything that had happened since Paul had appeared in his room.

And then the voice was back, and it caused his body to relax without his permission. There was only one person he could think of who would have such control over him, and he so badly wanted Paul to be real. For his imprint to actually be holding him close, whispering calming words in his ear.

He started up his mantra again, still unable to accept that his imprint was really at his home, in his bed. "It's not real, it's not real, it's not real…"

The hands stopped stroking him, and he was flipped over to face the person who had been holding him. As he had thought, Paul's handsome face greeted him. Could an apparition turn him over like that, or had he just imagined the hands lifting him and turning him over? Had he rolled over by himself?

Paul cupped his cheek with one hand, the other wrapped around Jacob's waist, holding him tight against a hard, warm body.

"I am real, Jacob," Paul whispered, stroking Jacob's face gently. Jake turned into the caress unconsciously, loving the soft touch on his face. But no, it wasn't real, and Jake had to remember that. His imagination was playing games with him, trying to get him to give in and accept Paul's comfort. But if he did, he would only be hurt later on, when Paul disappeared and he was left all alone again with his broken heart.

"No, no, no," Jake mumbled, shaking his head jerkily. "Just my imagination, it's not real, just trying to trick me again…" He kept on with the denial, because he really wanted to give in and believe Paul was here, but then it would just hurt when he was gone again. God, what was he supposed to do?

"Jacob!"

The word was said kindly, but there was a commanding note in Paul's voice that made Jacob meet his eyes immediately. To make matters a whole lot worse, there was such sincerity shining in those gorgeous black eyes that Jake almost gave in. But then he remembered how it felt every time Paul left him at the end of his dreams, and he was determined all over again not to give in.

"Jacob, I need to explain some things to you. You need to know why I stayed away from you for so long. Please, Jacob, you need to listen to me."

Paul was pleading with him? Jacob bit his lip, trying to figure out what that meant. Paul had never said something like that, not in his dreams or nightmares, and the sadness in his tone was unmistakable. Was this actually real? Had Paul come to make it up to him? But no, that didn't make sense, because Paul had rejected him, had refused to let Jake into his life at all. Surely Paul wouldn't have done that just to change his mind? Jake looked up at Paul, chewing at his lip in agitation. Paul rubbed his hand up and down Jake's side, probably trying to calm him down again. Why would Paul do that if this wasn't real?

"I'm just going to say what I have to say, and I really hope you listen to me," Paul told him, sounding completely serious, his eyes still sincere. "I really didn't want to hurt you when I said we couldn't be friends, but I had to keep you safe, I couldn't let something happen to you because of me."

Paul's voice was strained, and Jake could see how Paul hated himself for what he'd done to Jake by rejecting him. He could feel his eyes filling with tears, unable to stand seeing Paul looking so sad and hurt. Jake knew Paul had done it to himself, but he couldn't stand seeing his imprint in pain. This had to be real…there was no way Jake's mind could pull such an elaborate prank on him. He had to believe this was real. But why did Paul think that being friends with Jake would get him hurt? That didn't make sense.

Paul cleared his throat, no doubt trying to speak through a lump of emotion. "My dad used to beat me before I became a wolf, before I was able to defend myself. He still beats my mom," he almost whispered, his voice coming out broken. "I didn't want anyone to know, didn't want to see pity in anyone's eyes when they looked at me…that's why I never ran away."

He paused there for a moment, and Jake assumed he was trying to compose himself. There were tears rolling down Paul's face now, and Jake wrapped his arms around his imprint, trying to sooth him with his touch. Paul gave him a small smile, and took a deep breath to continue.

"And then I phased for the first time, and I started fighting back. The old man stopped hitting me then, because apparently he only wants to fight with people weaker than him. I could have left then, but I didn't want to leave my mom there all alone with him, and she won't leave him. She wouldn't leave him even when she knew he was hitting me!" Paul's voice cracked, and Jake could feel the tears start to drip down his own face, feeling his imprint's pain as if it were his own.

"I'm not going back this time," Paul stated forcefully. "He'll probably kill my mom now that I'm not there to protect her, but I can't go back again. I can't handle hearing them fight anymore, and I can't make my mom leave. There's nothing I can do to help her." Paul's voice was cracking with his grief, and his body was now trembling. Jake pulled Paul closer, wrapping his arms and legs around him and resting his cheek against Paul's, noting that both their faces were wet with tears.

Paul sniffled, but continued on with his explanation. "But none of that is the actual reason I stayed away from you," Paul admitted, clinging to Jacob as if afraid he would bolt if Paul let go. "I was afraid I would end up like my dad. I didn't want to turn you into someone who's afraid of the one person they love above all others. What if I end up like him, an alcoholic who tries to make himself feel better by beating on people who are weaker? Not that you're weaker than me, but I can't see you ever fighting me."

Jake pulled back a bit, tipping his face back to meet Paul's eyes again. "You would never hurt me, Paul," Jake said seriously, his voice rough. "Do you think you would have gone through so much to protect me just to turn around and start beating me? I don't think you're even capable of doing that."

Paul looked as if he was considering Jake's words, but his eyes still betrayed his worry. "But I get so angry sometimes, and I can't always control myself. What if I hurt you by accident?"

"I can protect myself, Paul," Jake said dryly. "Have you forgotten that I can shift faster than anyone else in the pack? I don't think you could seriously hurt me." It was true. Jake was the true alpha, and he was the largest and strongest in the pack, so there was very little chance that Paul could seriously injure him, even if he tried.

"Are you sure?" Paul asked, still sounding worried. If nothing else, the fact that Paul was so worried about hurting him proved to Jake that there was little chance of it actually happening.

Jake nodded. "I honestly don't believe that you could ever hurt me. And do you think my dad would let you near me if he thought I would be in danger? Wait," Jake paused, realizing that he had no idea if anyone knew Paul was here. "Have you even seen my dad?"

"Yeah," Paul muttered, sounding sheepish. "He's the one who brought me here. He's the only one who ever knew about my dad. He tried to get me out of my house once, but I wouldn't leave. He said pretty much the same thing as you just did, that I would never hurt you."

"Oh…so where are you gonna stay now that you won't go home?" Jake inwardly hoped that Paul would just stay here, and then Jake wouldn't have to worry that every time his imprint left, he wasn't coming back. But then, Jake wasn't sure how his dad would feel about that.

"You're dad said I could stay here," Paul said, suddenly sounding excited. But then his expression abruptly fell again. "Unless you don't want me to." Paul looked down, refusing to meet Jake's eyes.

Jake lifted his imprints chin, ducking down a bit to meet Paul's gaze. "Of course I want you to stay here," he said. "I don't ever want to let you out of my sight again."

***

The tension finally drained out of Paul's body, leaving him feeling completely exhausted. He hadn't even dared to hope that Jake would forgive him for rejecting him, and now his imprint was holding him close, and promising not to let him go again. It was more than he deserved after hurting Jake so badly, but he was grateful, so grateful, for the chance to make it up to him.

"Can I hold you while we sleep?" Paul whispered, just wanting to cuddle up behind his imprint and stay there forever. The pain in his chest was finally letting up, the never ending pull gone now that his imprint was so close.

"Yeah," Jake answered, already sounding sleepy, turning over and snuggling back into Paul's chest. Paul wrapped his arms around him, relaxing into the soft bed. He buried his face in Jake's silky black hair, the woodsy, masculine scent soothing him.

He had been so scared when Jake started having a panic attack. Seeing Jake so upset, unable to breath properly, his heart pounding hard and fast, body slicked with sweat and wracked with shivers. That something so serious had resulted from Paul's rejection, had made Paul feel so much worse about his behavior. He had meant well, but that didn't excuse him from taking responsibility for the pain he had caused.

Paul was never going to leave Jake again. Not that he wanted to, but he might be tempted if Jake would be safer in his absence. But now that he knew how much pain Jake had gone through, Paul couldn't see himself letting his imprint go ever again.

He closed his eyes, listening to Jake's heart beating sure and strong, letting it lull him into the most restful sleep he'd had in weeks.

It's been way too long since I last updated, and I'm really sorry about that, but I was having a lot of trouble getting this chapter written. I hope it was worth the wait, please let me know what you think! And if you have any suggestions for what should happen next, I'd like to know that too. Thanks guys!!! ;)