A/N: Again MASSIVE apologies for the delay in updating this - it's hard to find guilt-free time to update this with house renovations and 2 little ones to look after but this story and others are constantly niggling away in my brain so I do always get there eventually. I hope there are still people reading out there, thanks for your kind reviews as always. I had to cut this chapter down so already have content for the next update as a result. Hopefully I'll be much speedier posting it! Part of the problem with this chapter is needing to include medical detail - I know I'm not great at that - I try not to get too bogged down with the science whilst not dumbing it down too much but find it a hard balance to achieve. It wont stand up to in depth scrutiny I'm sure but hopefully that doesn't take a way from the story. Enough waffle, here you go... x
The ice cold water hit her face and she gasped. Dixie had fought her body's urge to simultaneously retch, scream and cry and somehow managed to convince it to carry her to the privacy of the restroom. Here the tears had fallen freely as she clung to the sink. How had she been so blind to her friend's suffering? She'd not known Rita when that monster had made her everyday a living hell but she should have seen the grip the past still had on her. She'd met Mark once, he was a big guy. Whatever physical strength she'd always credited her petite friend with she wouldn't have stood a chance against him and the thought of the mis-match in the situations Rita had described was making her flesh crawl. Everything made sense now: she'd not been the only one to notice the barriers Rita put up between herself and others, how fiercely protective she was of suspected abuse victims, and, for so long, the lack of relationships given that according to more than just Dixie, she was easily one of the most eligible women in the entire hospital.
She wanted this to be something she could shake from her mind, wake up and find that it was the stuff of nightmares but the appalling reality was that her friend had been living with this nightmare for years. She'd seen enough patients who'd suffered at the hands of violent partners. Finding out this had happened much closer to home was making her sick to her stomach. The drinking. The abuse. The…" Dixie was spared recalling the most horrific details of Rita's past by an urgent knock at the door.
"Dix? Are you ok in there?" Rita's voice was gentle, concerned.
"Pull yourself together Kathleen come on!" Dixie hissed a reprimand to herself as her parents might once have done before emerging slowly from the room. Rita's face fell as she registered immediately that her friend had been crying.
"Dix I'm so sorry. You should have stopped me going on when all this time Iain could be…" Dixie raised her hand to stop her.
"I'm the one that should be sorry Reet, I…" But the younger woman shook her head and held her arms out to her friend. In the tightness of their embrace both felt the shaky breaths of the other. Rita kissed the side of her friend's head.
"Thank you" she whispered. "I should have opened up about this a long time ago. I get that now. But I don't want this being a burden to you. Not today. We've got more important things to do right?"
Dixie sniffed and nodded against her friend's shoulder before pulling away. She gratefully took the hand that Rita held out to her and squeezed it gently. That one action conveying the solidarity between them, both acutely aware that they might be needing all their strength for what lay at the end of their journey. Fingers intertwined, the pair headed wordlessly back to the car.
The scene that greeted them at the ED was more Hollywood than Holby. And not in a good way. They picked past rubble, police and recovery vehicles before using their knowledge of the layout of the place to gain access through a service door that wasn't cordoned off.
For Rita, the interior was worse. She'd handled the most chaotic of days inside that place: not being able to move for agitated waiting patients, even stepping in to prevent the odd riot, but she'd never seen it like this before. Practically deserted of people. Lights dimmed, fittings hanging down and creaking. Bags, coats, crosswords all abandoned on plastic seats.
Her vision started to swim as she saw Charlie head towards them, his hands clutching a tray of bloods. It was Dixie who managed to speak.
"Charlie... Is he here?" Is he…?" Her voice was barely more than a whisper. The pair saw the elderly nurse take a deep breath and braced themselves.
"He's in small resus. I'm afraid it's pretty serious. He's had surgery to relieve pressure on his brain and he arrested before he went up."
A gasp was audible from one of the women. They clutched at each other's hands as Charlie's words hit home. Their eyes frantically searching his face for information he knew he didn't have.
"I know they've treated a pneumothorax and are suspecting numerous broken ribs amongst other things but it's Cal, Elle and Robyn who've been treating him. Why don't you go through and I'll get one of them to come and talk you through the details?" The pair nodded tentatively and, sensing hesitation, Charlie continued "It means a lot that you both came. It will mean a lot to Iain" Rita cast her eyes down to the floor "Rita… It will mean a lot that you both came." The younger woman somehow managed a half smile only wishing she could share Charlie's optimism.
Rita stopped dead as soon as they'd entered the room. Her vision tunnelled alarmingly: walls, equipment, shelving blurring out of view until all she could see was the motionless figure in the bed in front of her. She'd not seen Iain in weeks, had wondered whether she ever would again, yet now, now she'd never felt further away from him. As Dixie rushed to his side, Rita again questioned again her right to be there both as someone close to Iain and as a nurse. Tears pricked at her eyes as the reality fully hit her that currently she was neither.
Rita's thoughts were broken as she became aware of someone enter the room behind her. She turned and stared at the nurse who'd just appeared. The Asian woman seemed familiar but Rita was sure she'd never worked with her before.
"I… I'm just here to do Mr Dean's obs" she announced hesitantly at no one in particular. Rita stepped out of the way to let her past.
"Iain" she found herself stating quietly.
"Sorry what?" The nurse turned to face the younger blonde woman.
"Iain" Rita repeated. "Mr Dean. He's called Iain"
"Oh right" the nurse barely registered as she finished her updates on Iain's notes. Her momentary frown didn't go unnoticed by Dixie who was closer to the woman.
"Is there a problem?" She enquired.
"Um. His pulse. I think I'll need to get a doctor…"
Rita stepped forward, slowly regaining her footing after a quick glance at the monitor.
"He's not brachycardic" she began. "The doctors must be stretched enough with this…" Rita gestured vaguely behind her at the rest of the ED "You don't need to bother them just for that"
"Sorry? Look I'm not sure if you're qualified or what but he does have an extremely low heart rate" the nurse said, a slight irritation as well as panic obvious in her tone.
"He's fit… umm… physically fit I mean, military background. Resting heart rate less than 50…" Rita's voice tailed off. Closing her eyes, a single tear spilled down her cheek as she thought of how many times she'd listened to that reassuring thud. Fallen asleep smiling, her head on his chest, as the steady rhythm returned regardless of what dizzy heights they'd both just reached. Resting against him had made her feel safer than she'd ever done in her life. She felt a physical ache inside as she thought of how many pieces that strong chest might now be broken into.
"If you could… When they're free… We'll wait here but if someone could come and let us know how the surgery went?" She called after the departing nurse who silently nodded her agreement before pushing out through the doors.
Rita stooped to pick up Iain's notes from the end of the bed, the tremble in her hands obvious as she grasped the edges of the clipboard.
"Why don't I go and see if I can find us both a coffee eh kid?" Dixie suggested softly "I won't be long" She gave Rita's arm a gentle squeeze before she too headed out of the room.
Rita scanned the notes in front of her, suddenly finding calm in interpreting the stats, the assessments and the handwriting of the neuro surgeon and her former colleagues. Replacing the clipboard she allowed herself to look at Iain properly for the first time, her shoulders heaved involuntarily as she felt all the momentary professional detachment drain from her. Rita saw past the bandaged head, the bloodied face, the monitor wires. She just saw the way his dark lashes rested against his skin, the fullness of his lips, slightly parted. She knew now he was sedated not just as result of surgery but as a precaution due to the extremely agitated state he'd presented in but all she could see was a man sleeping peacefully, a sight she'd woken up next to so many times she'd dared to dream she might always be able to. She swallowed as she thought again of everything that had happened that meant that hadn't remained a reality.
Without thinking Rita reached forward and took Iain's hand, lowering herself into the chair next to him.
"Iain I'm so sorry" she whispered as she tucked her feet underneath her on the chair. "I know you're probably still angry with me but I had to come y'know. You're going to be alright. We need you to be alright me and Dix… I never got the chance to try and explain. I always assumed I would I… and then something like this happens and oh Iain. It's all such a mess…" she finished as she rubbed her forehead with her hand.
"Rita?"
She lifted her head at the sound of the familiar voice, glad of some distraction from the thoughts she was currently drowning in.
Cal stood awkwardly at the foot of the bed taking in his former colleagues bloodshot eyes and her shaky intake of breath as she turned to face him.
"Is...is there any update?" she asked fearfully, her voice barely above a whisper. Sliding her hand away from where she held Iain's in a vain hope that the doctor wouldn't have noticed, wouldn't question her right to be here any further than it probably already would be. If he saw he didn't mention it, the doctor himself no stranger to unexpected outpouring of emotion when loved ones were hurt.
"I don't know anything more I'm sorry" he began softly. "Rita it's good to see you I mean… Not like this… But.. Well… You left without saying goodbye…" He stopped seeing pain flash across the woman's face.
"Cal I…"
"No I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that, you don't need this, not with…" He gestured towards Iain.
"No you're right. I'm sorry… I messed up Cal, and it was time… I needed to get away" she looked up to the ceiling to try and stop the prick of tears in her eyes. "Look if you're wondering…" She started trying to explain but the doctor cut her off.
"You don't have to explain anything to me but… and I'm.. I'm not sure how to tell you this… Iain before we sedated him… He was asking for his girlfriend"
The word hit Rita like a physical blow and she recoiled from Iain's side, pushing herself up to standing. She stared wide-eyed at Cal, cursing herself for not even stopping to think.
"Oh god Cal I'm such an idiot! I didn't know, how would I have known? Does she… Does she know?" Rita felt her heart being ripped from her chest all over again.
Cal observed his former colleague sympathetically, noticing the way she bit her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. He had no idea what she must be going through and no idea how to help her. The only thing he knew was that she deserved the facts.