A/N: Hey everyone! So, real quick note...I realized I screwed myself on my time line (in terms of days) by saying the first (and second and third) chapter happened on a Saturday. Oops. I changed it to Sunday, so it makes sense for them to go to the Ministry the next morning. I don't know if people noticed or if it bothered them, but it bothered me, so consider it changed!

Anyhooters, thank you to everyone who has been so kind with their reviews, and please keep them coming! I love the feedback, and if there are any glaring mistakes please let me know!

Chapter Four: A Little Ministry Mischief

At 8:20 the next morning, Sirius trudged down the stairs to the kitchen, hoping against hope that some other misguided early riser had made coffee. He yawned. He was certain it should be illegal to be forced to wake at such an hour. Especially if the purpose was to go to the Ministry of Magic to start the frightening process of binding himself to the girl who had been at the forefront of his erotic fantasies all night.

Pushing through the kitchen door, he saw Harry and Lupin discussing something. They both paused as he stalked past them to the coffee pot.

"Good morning, sunshine," Lupin said with a smirk.

Harry's brow furrowed.

"Don't take this the wrong way, Sirius, but what are you doing up before noon?"

"Your swotty best friend seems hell bent on making my life miserable," Sirius replied gruffly, collapsing onto one of the chairs and taking an indecently appreciative sip of his coffee.

"She's not without her reasons, Padfoot," Lupin said, sliding that morning's copy of the Daily Prophet over to him. He barely blinked as the headline read 'Marriage Law Passes in Landslide Vote'.

"It's not like we didn't expect this," he said dully, pushing the paper away.

"I know it's difficult, Sirius, but try and see if you can read just a few words passed the headline before your brain overheats," Hermione's sarcastic voice said and Sirius turned, armed with a snide retort, but found himself speechless as she entered the room.

Dear Merlin, when did she get so sexy?

She was dressed fairly conservatively – by his standards, at least – but there was something about her confidence that was staggeringly sexy. Her crisp white blouse highlighted the gentle curve of her breasts before tapering down to a pair of hip-hugging pinstripe trousers. Her curly hair was up in a fashionable twist and her elegant black cloak was draped over her arm. A pair of low peep-toe pumps clicked against the stone floor.

He caught her scent as she passed him and inhaled deeply. Dark, exotic, and intoxicating.

He hadn't realized he had closed his eyes until he reopened them to see Lupin smirking in amusement. Sirius scowled at his friend and went back to his coffee.

"God, Sirius, can you at least make an attempt to look like you live up to your socio-economic background?" Hermione said after she had appraised him thoroughly.

He frowned.

"What?" he asked. He had put on clean clothes. Discreetly sniffing himself, he sighed.

Well, clean-ish.

"Black jeans and a quidditch t-shirt is not the proper outfit to prove you are not a substandard husband," she said sternly. "Why aren't you taking this seriously?"

A look of warning from Harry choked down his bad pun on her word choice.

"I'm sorry, kitten. I wasn't thinking. I'll go change."

"And shave!" she called as he exited.

He rolled his eyes.

"Yes, dear," he muttered mockingly as he climbed the stairs back to his room.

***

"Hermione, will you relax?" Sirius said for the seventeenth time as the two sat in the pristine white waiting room of the Department for Magical Marriages. She had been fidgeting for the past hour, trying not to explode as the bored clerk took his sweet time going over Sirius's proposal.

"Relax? Oh, yeah, right. Like it's that bloody simple," she spat.

He sighed.

"This won't get easier if you dwell on it."

"Dwell…Sirius, there are 157 new amendments to this law," she hissed, quoting for the third time the figure that had appeared in the Daily Prophet. "For all I know, the law could now state that by marrying you, I'm surrendering my free will!"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Trust me, love, I'm not that lucky."

"And then…hey!"

He smirked before sighing and running his hand comfortingly over her back.

"Whatever the changes are, we'll get through them. Together. Because we're in this for the long haul, kitten, whether you like it or not. 'Til death do us part."

She sighed and let herself relax against his hand. He continued to slowly massage her shoulders as she crossed her legs.

When he had reemerged into the kitchen, Hermione had almost dropped her coffee mug. She had never seen him looking so stylish. Sure, she had seen him in his Muggle finery, decked out to play the part of the mischievous bad boy in denim and leather. But now he was almost elegant. Pleated black linen trousers, a starched white shirt, and robes of pale gray the brought out the green in his eyes. He had shaved and she had to admit that Sirius Black definitely lived up to his reputation as the handsome Marauder.

Well, to be fair to Remus and James – she had stopped thinking of Pettigrew as a Marauder since her third year of school – they were all handsome. But Sirius was undeniably sexy.

She looked at him in mild curiosity. Thinking him sexy was definitely something new. Handsome, yes. Gorgeous even, certainly. Sexy? Well, she had fastened that attribute to a certain growling, feral companion of hers.

She decided it was just the elegance of the outfit and moved on.

She found herself oddly comforted by Sirius's moving fingers. It had been a long time since she had had a decent back massage that hadn't been interrupted by sexual advances. Lupin had tried, on many occasions, to be the caring, attentive lover who calmed and comforted her in those dark days after the war. Ron too, before him. But as much as she cared and respected both men, she did not love them, and so she had pulled away to maintain the friendship – or in Lupin's case, the emotionless physical relationship – before either of them became irreversibly attached to her.

"Mr. Black?" the clerk finally said lazily, and the two stood to approach him.

"About bloody time," Hermione mumbled, receiving a small smirk and a quick swat on the behind from Sirius.

"Your paperwork seems to be in order. But you should know there are several other proposals for Miss Granger that came in this morning that also need to be considered," the clerk said in the same bored monotone that he had greeted them with.

"What other proposals?" Hermione demanded.

The clerk bristled.

"I really don't see how that is any of your…"

"This is the woman whose future you hold in your hands, mate, so just answer the lady's question," Sirius interrupted, the cool silk of his tone making the clerk sit up a bit straighter.

He shuffled a few papers around.

"There's one from the young Mr. Malfoy, another from Mr. Dolohov, and a third from a Mr. Amycus Carrow."

Hermione gave a very unladylike snort.

"I'm sure they all have the most honorable of intentions," she said sarcastically. "But as it happens, I feel it necessary to point out that none of them are my desired fiancé."

The clerk's nostrils flares slightly.

"As I'm sure you are aware, Miss Granger," he said tightly. "In accordance with the new Marriage Law, your desires are not of any relevance."

Hermione felt a rage bubble in her that set her cheeks aflame, but Sirius quickly placed himself between her and the smug clerk.

"As you can clearly see from my proposal," he said, ignoring Hermione's angry growl of resentment at his intervention. "I refuse to take 'no' for an answer. So how many galleons is it going to take for you to sign the fucking license?"

He ignored Hermione's indignant yelp of protest and the clerk's eyes narrowed.

"Sir," he said, though the look on his face told Sirius that it pained him to use the respectful term. "I should warn you that the bribery of a Ministry official is punishable by…"

"My good man, I'm sure you're aware that I have spent a good portion of my life within Azkaban prison and so your threat falls on jaded ears," Sirius said, hoping his eyes did not reveal the fear that gripped his heart at the mention of the hellish place. "Furthermore, what is the penalty for the Ministry official who accepts the bribe, as I am sure mine has not been your first offer?"

The clerk had the good sense to look slightly stricken by the accusation.

"I assure you, Mr. Black, that I am an exemplary employee without the slightest blemish on my record."

"Good to hear it," Sirius said, allowing himself a sardonic smirk. "So since the lady clearly has no objections to my query, perhaps you can stop wasting our time and sign the license before this escalates to the point where I'm forced to speak with your supervisor."

With a silent, mutinous glare, the clerk pulled an official piece of parchment from the drawer beside him and with a reluctant flourish of his quill, signed his name beside the Ministry seal. With a wave of his wand, he cast a binding charm to the document before shoving it into Sirius's hands.

"You have one month to marry in front of a Ministry official, upon which your signature and that of your…" He glanced disdainfully at Hermione. "Your intended will bind you irreversibly to each other for the remainder of your natural lives."

Sirius suppressed the shudder that went down his spine at the finality of the words.

"One month?" Hermione said with a start. "I thought we had three?"

The clerk quirked an eyebrow.

"Under amendment 26b of the Marriage Law, the couple has one month from the Ministry registration to marry. That isn't going to be a problem, is it?"

Sirius grasped Hermione's twitching wand hand and gave a jovial bark of a laugh.

"You know new brides," he said with a smirk. "Need time to prepare all those innocuous little wedding details." He leaned in with an air of confidentiality to the clerk. "Between you and me, I just think she's a tad nervous about the wedding night. Blushing bride, and all. Haven't had a chance to…er…sample the goods, if you catch my meaning."

He could tell that Hermione was positively fuming by the way the clerk glanced at her with a smug smile.

"I see, he replied, handing Sirius the requisite Marriage Law documentation, including an official copy with amendments. Sirius could have sworn the man winked at him.

"Good luck with her, Mr. Black," the clerk added and waved them out.

Hermione was silent as they walked down the hall toward the lifts. Sirius could tell from the way her nostrils flared and her lips were pursed that he was in for an eruption the likes of which would have Lord Voldemort himself ducking for cover. He silently hoped the lift wasn't empty so he could prolong the silence, however uncomfortable.

Unfortunately, the gods didn't see fit to grant his small request, and he braced himself as they stepped into the empty gilded vehicle.

"Sample the goods?!" she shouted as soon as the grate closed, and he flinched as she punched him hard in the arm.

"Do you have any idea," she seethed. "How utterly degrading that was? It's enough that I have to marry an overgrown teenager, but to be presented as some naïve little child bride…and then to be bartered! How many galleons were you prepared to give him, Sirius? What was my price?"

"Hang on," he said, turning to face her. "Are you angry because me bribing him made you feel like a whore or because I insinuated you were a virgin?

"Insinuated?! You as good as announced it!"

He couldn't help a smirk.

"And that bothers you? I would have thought it increased your market value. Less milage."

Blissfully, the grate slid open before she could say anything and Sirius strode arrogantly into the Atrium, feeling rather triumphant. No sooner had he taken three steps, however, he felt his legs give out from under him. He cringed, expecting the impact of the unforgiving pique floor, but he didn't fall. Instead, he bobbed around like an idiot, his legs bowed awkwardly as if his bones were made of jelly.

Hermione swept by him with a self-satisfied little smirk and he knew she had hit him with a silent Jelly-Legs Jinx.

"Come along, Sirius," she said loudly, drawing attention to him and his predicament. "Stop larking about."

"Why you little…" he murmured, feeling his cheeks burn as he tried to hobble after her and hearing loud sniggers from the witches and wizards around them as his legs stuck out awkwardly, making him look ridiculous.

"Oh honestly, Sirius, if you insist on acting so childish…" the cunning little witch said in mock impatience as she admirably held back her amusement. "Mobilicorpus!"

He felt a distinct lack of muscle function as the charm levitated him a few inches off the ground and sent him trailing behind her like a subservient house elf. Utter mortification struck him as several people pointed and laughed.

"He came to visit me at work and just didn't want to leave," Hermione said innocently to a witch who stood chuckling next to the floo. "But I just can't get any work done with him pestering me."

Sirius was certain she was enjoying herself entirely too much to be appropriate.

"Alright, darling, quit pouting. I'll see you at home later tonight," she said soothingly to him as she led him to the floo. Leaning in to whisper in his ear, she said:

"Don't fuck with me, Sirius Black, because I never lose."

And with an indulgent smile and a chaste kiss, she pushed him into the fireplace.

***

Hermione laughed all the way from the Atrium to her office in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. The look on Sirius's face had been absolutely priceless as she marched him through the lobby, treating him like a petulant child. From the look of utter mutiny on his face when she pushed him into the floo, she knew his revenge would be swift and merciless. She had challenged him and no one rose to a challenge quite like the handsome Marauder.

"I take it things went well?" a curious voice asked from her office door and Hermione looked up from her desk to see Harry leaning casually against the frame.

She smirked.

"Not as well as I would have liked, but it had its compensations," she replied, and proceeded to explain the morning's events to her increasingly-amused best friend.

"You realize you've started a war, don't you?" he asked, sitting sprawled out in one of her office chairs in a manner characteristic of his godfather. "Sirius isn't going to take that lying down."

"Oh, I know," she said, her eyes sparkling. "But I couldn't resist a bit of fun after his stunt in the Department of Magical Marriages."

Harry chuckled.

"That was quite cheeky of him," he admitted. "But still…" He smirked. "The idea of you as a blushing bride really is quite laughable."

She arched an eyebrow.

"I didn't hear you complaining when you were groaning in ecstasy in Hagrid's cabin that one time sixth year. I believe your exact words were 'Bloody fucking goddess,' if memory serves."

It was her turn to smirk as he blushed vermilion and coughed.

"Yes…well…you weren't exactly silent that night either," he mumbled.

Then he looked at her nervously.

"You…er…you didn't tell Ginny about that, did you?"

She smiled slightly.

"While you, Mr. Potter, seem to immerse yourself in trouble wherever you go, I, on the other hand, have no such death wish."

He chuckled, slightly relieved that she was smart enough to avoid incurring the wrath of the ferocious redhead.

Before either could continue along that line of reminiscence, a lanky blur of red hair skidded to a stop outside Hermione's office before bounding excitedly into the room.

"Is it true, 'Mione?" Ron asked, a flush of awe and admiration on his face. "Did you really hex Sirius in the Atrium?"

Laughing, Hermione retold the story to her other best friend.

"Bloody brilliant," he said as he sat gracelessly in the other chair. Hermione briefly wondered if there were any men in her life who could sit in a chair properly.

"Bet you anything the twins are gonna take the mickey out of him when they find out," Harry said, still chuckling at the image of Sirius bobbing around awkwardly in front of dozens of amused spectators.

"Oh, without a doubt," Ron said gleefully. "Legendary, that was, 'Mione. Absolutely wicked."

"Still…I don't envy you," Harry said. "I guarantee he'll have some equally epic prank planned out by the time you're home."

"Which is why," she said with a grin. "I don't plan on coming home until very late. I'm meeting Oliver for dinner tonight to let him know about Sirius."

"Anyway, she can handle it," Ron said with a touch of pride. "After all, she is a Gryffindor."

"With the brains of a Ravenclaw, the loyalty of a Hufflepuff, and the cunning of Salazar Slytherin himself," Harry added.

"Exactly," Hermione said with a smirk. "So really…the one you ought to worry about is Sirius."

Both her friends chuckled as they stood to leave.

"Well, between the two of you, my galleons are always on the brains. Don't get too cocky, though, 'Mione. Sirius won't surrender without one hell of a fight," Harry said.

She smiled.

"I'll consider myself duly warned."

Throughout the course of the day, various colleagues stopped by to express their hearty admiration for her impressive prank against the infamous mischief-maker. Even Moody, who had often expressed his contempt for such immaturity, cracked a crooked smile when she bumped into him on her way to get her mid-afternoon coffee.

It wasn't until Lupin stopped by later that afternoon, however, that she started to get a little insight into just what sort of battle of wits she had unintentionally entered into.

"You should have heard the language he was using," Lupin said with a chuckle. "I thought Molly was going to wash his mouth out with soap."

"Wouldn't be the first time," Hermione said wryly, smirking as she remembered the moment when Mrs. Weasley's idle threats had turned into Sirius frantically swatting away several bars of soap as he gagged on a mouthful of suds.

"He was hiccupping bubbles for a week," Lupin mused laughingly. Then he sighed. "Anyway, I just came to warn you that he has something up his sleeve. I would start by being extremely wary of your lingerie drawer."

She grinned.

"Leave it to Sirius to plan retribution involving undergarments."

Lupin smiled, standing to leave.

"So…will I see you tonight?"

He couldn't hide the flicker of hope in his eyes.

"Probably not," she said with an apologetic smile. "I'm meeting Wood for dinner. I need to tell him about Sirius."

Lupin nodded and she could tell he was hiding mild disappointment.

"I'll see you tomorrow then," he said.

"That's if Sirius hasn't transfigured me into a tea pot via a pair of rogue underwear," she joked, standing and walking him to the door. She gave a quick look around before kissing him passionately, knowing she would miss his gentle caress once she was married.

"I'll see you later," she said breathily.

"Alright, love," he replied before walking out into the hallway.