Nostalgia

by Icemera

Prequel to 'Superstar'. Months after the Carnival. Through their journey together, Nao and Shizuru will try to grasp what it all means. Sunrise's Hime. Now, added with 'Sleepless', a 1-shot taken place after 'Superstar'.

4. C3: Secrets

CHAPTER 3: Secrets

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Fujino Shizuru had many secrets, and she rarely shared them with anyone. The smashing success of 'Sacrifice', the constant rumors regarding her love life, and a dubious relationship with her assistant had all failed to revolutionize a closet hermit she truly was. No one really ever knew her secrets, but everyone wanted a piece of it.

As if Suzushiro Haruka wasn't enough of an annoyance to Shizuru, I had recently discovered myself following the blonde's path. Although Shizuru always determined to honor her commitments, the endless string of parties eventually tired her psyche. Mayu alone wasn't able to handle the actress' hedonistic lifestyle, so it came down to Haruka and me to help out at times.

"Rehearsal tomorrow at six o'clock sharp. You got that?" I took a look over my tiny, green scratch pad, which I found useful to keep it in my pocket these days.

"Why don't you get a palm? It'd make your life easier. I'll tell Nobu-san." Comfortable in the seat next to me, Shizuru was reading a new movie script offered to her last week.

We were on Nobu's private jet, heading for Okinawa. Sitting opposite to us was a sleeping Yukino, her head resting against Haruka's shoulder. Although the flight was slightly less than three hours, Yukino hadn't had much sleep the past weeks due to upcoming exams. The four of us dressed in polite gowns to attend a wedding today.

Shizuru glanced up at Haruka, who was also reading another copy of the same script. "Why didn't you get Nao a palm?" she asked.

Haruka lowered the bound stack of papers, her brows furrowed. "I did."

As soon as Shizuru turned to me, I looked away. "I lost it. But I prefer this little pad anyway. It's easy."

Giggling, Shizuru looked back at Haruka. "Nao likes being primitive. That's new."

At the harmless mockery, I elbowed her ribs, and she yelped. "Six o'clock sharp. Got it?"

"But nobody wakes up that early," Shizuru pleaded.

Whatever. I knew she would never miss it. Success after success, Shizuru had not lost her dedication despite the impression of her being a loose canon. She may have been demanding with producers and studio heads, but she returned them with high-quality performances and profits. More often than not, she amazed the directors and crews by looking brilliant and staying sharp without any sleep for 48 hours straight.

"There's no need for that face. We're just worried that you might disappear like that again," Haruka said, keeping her gaze on the script. As the producer's niece, she wanted an opinion on the follow-up offer.

Shizuru stared at her friend at the rise of the topic again. "Haruka shouldn't look so glum and serious. I showed up, didn't I?" She let out an agitated sigh and looked out the window. "And I still make money for your uncle."

Haruka sharply looked up from the script. "Who said anything about money?"

"Isn't it the only thing you people worry about? How much 'S' is worth, and how could she make more? More. Always more."

"That's low, even from you." Haruka gritted her teeth. To my surprise, the blonde was still able to stay in her seat, not jumping at the actress and breaking the bitch's neck. I was sure that it wasn't the seat belt that stopped Haruka, but the head of the sleeping girl resting on her shoulder.

"For God's sake, Shizuru! After all that have happened, how dare you to accept their invitation!?" Haruka burst out, clenching her fists. If one could count on Haruka for something, it was her virtue.

The infamous episode occurred three months ago. It was the night before the shooting of 'Sacrifice' started. Shizuru disappeared and had her cell phone turned off. Mayu, whose duty was to track down the actress, also disappeared until the next morning. As far as the story went, 'S' planned to have a dinner date with Angelica, Luca's model friend (or bait), that night. The fact that the three of them had their cell phones turned off by midnight spurned all sorts of rumors. Nasty gossips and naughty ones alike, Mayu spent hours on the phone with her fiancé that nothing of that sort happened.

"Well, it is what it is. An invitation. They invited me." Shizuru leaned back in her seat, shrugging slightly. Until now, she had offered no explanation of what really happened. As long as she got her works done consummately, everything else was nobody's concern.

"You are her boss! She couldn't refuse you, could she!? Have you ever thought about other people? How Kenji-san might feel? You'll make him into a joke for being there today!" Haruka was already leaning forwards in her seat, red in her face.

Shizuru took a sip of her hot tea, studying Haruka with curiosity. "I'm not sure what you're talking about. Mayu is her own woman—"

"You've been taking advantage of her!" Haruka was so enraged now that I had to lean forwards, putting myself in front of Shizuru a little just in case the blonde might jump at her.

"I called her yesterday to tell her that I preferred not to go," Shizuru said, idly putting the plastic cup down at the armrest again. "But she said she wanted me there. She said she needs me, not him."

Haruka and I stopped, our faces turning cold at the triumphant smile that slowly graced over Shizuru's lips. She had made it clear that she would not solely take the blame for the mess, and that she hardly gave a damn if anyone else would fall with her (but some people would be willing to without being manipulated, I was sure of that).

"It's kind of you to come all the way to Okinawa, Fujino-san." Yukimura Kenji, the groom, bowed to greet us as we entered the white-sand-beach garden of a lush hotel. The patio area was decorated especially for the wedding today. Okinawa was his hometown and he wanted to have the ceremony here.

While Shizuru and Kenji were being polite to each other, engaged in a small talk, Mayu never took her eyes off the guest. The bride looked striking in the white gown, her long hair pulled up into a bun, decorated with white flowers. Though Mayu did her very best to hide the lust in her eyes, it appalled me just to see the three of them in such phony manners. There was something I must admit never having bested Shizuru: she faked it like no one could.

'I am completely devoted to you, 'S'. I bought 'She' DVD and every magazine that got you on the cover! I am a webmaster of 'S' unofficial fansite. Please visit when you have time. We got thousands of members already after launching the site for only a few weeks! For us, 'S' stands for smart, sexy and stunning. We love you!' Shizuru was laying flat on the bed, giggling as she turned to me after reading one of the fan letters.

She would have a huge pile dropped by her door every morning. As far as I knew, she must have been the only star who actually read fan mails. At night, whenever she wanted to steer clear of parties, she would have a cup of tea by her side and read them.

Sitting with my laptop at the desk by the window, I instantly minimized the 'S' unofficial fansite page before turning to her. I couldn't let her know that I was one of the site members, or she'd make fun of it to death.

'For your information, 'S' stands for stupid, selfish and sleazy. Enough of those corny letters already,' I said, sticking out my tongue.

'That's harsh. You've just hurt my feelings. People have feelings, Nao.' Rolling on the bed, Shizuru fumbled for more letters to read. Obviously, she wasn't hurt by my choice of words. For some reasons, nothing could really grab her attention anymore. The emptiness inside had become the greatest defense she had found.

"Would you care for a dance?"

The question pulled my thought back to the beautiful beach, and I looked up from my champagne. Sitting at the designated table with a grumpy Haruka and a sleepy Yukino, I knew a few others at the tables nearby. I spotted a few photographers I worked with before, and a busy Luca chatting with his business partners several tables away. Luca had yet to notice my presence, and I really didn't want any distraction at the moment. To my resentment, the groom still smiled and laughed with his relatives and guests. It made me wonder what had gone through his mind when his bride moved from the long table she was seated with him.

"Would you care for a dance?" Mayu had a wide smile on her face as she approached my table and extended her hand to the young woman next to me.

Shizuru looked around as though she wasn't even sure if the bride was talking to her. The brief flash of genuine oblivion in her eyes rendered her almost an innocent child that would have made it hard to chastise her. And Mayu must have seen what I saw; her smile hid very little of her adoration. Her heart was blooming, and everyone could feel it. In the sun, she stood, captivated by the aurorally crimson eyes before her.

"Uh, yes. Of course, I should not deny you anything today." Shizuru hurriedly put down the champagne glass. She stood up and wrapped her arm around the bride's waist. She led the dance into the white-sand beach, unafraid of inquisitive eyes—almost careless of anyone's heart.

The music carried on, and the two were dancing in the sun among other pairs who had followed.

Mayu had one hand over Shizuru's shoulder, resting her face against the actress' neck. "Do not deny me," she whispered.

Shizuru looked up from the sand and stared into the pain burning in the bride's eyes. "I cannot."

At the simple response, Mayu swung both arms around Shizuru's neck, clinging to her closer than she had with the groom. But all the intimate displays could do, at best, was intensifying the gossips, and nothing more. The groom kept his smile imprinted on his face like a painfully sharp line carved onto a stone, appearing to be enjoying his champagne for far too much. The guests chatted and laughed with one another like nothing unusual happened. I learned not the truth today, but how people concealed it.

'It's the case when you choose to be loved, rather than to love,' Penumbra said and chortled over the phone. The statement made my face grim. 'She was a girl in my neighborhood. My first crush, and I found out years later that I was hers, too. It should have been simple, right? But it isn't now anyway.'

In my bedroom across the hall from Shizuru's empty one, I sat next to the row of windows, looking down at the night view of Tokyo. A few days after the wedding, Shizuru left with Mayu for South Africa for a new shooting, while I had to have dinner with Kenji-san at the studio tonight. It annoyed me to no end that he still kept his groom smile to this day.

"Coward. You stay with someone you want, not the other way around," I said, tearing open the second bag of chips. Skimming through the calorie label on the back, running a few miles tomorrow might be a good idea.

'I'm getting jealous of Daisuke-kun now. He's one lucky guy!'

At the mention of Daisuke, I closed my eyes for a moment. The BBQ-flavor chips suddenly tasted stale in my mouth. I used to see the world in black and white. But as years passed, I found myself stuck in the dark, unwilling to step into the shades of gray others had learned to dwell in. I could come up with a million reasons why Shizuru and Kuga should not be together despite their feelings for each other. I could foresee the bitter end of Penumbra's secret affair with a childhood crush. I knew that I'd never find someone as devoted to me as Daisuke and knew exactly why I just couldn't love him. Life just decided to go wrong as we grew older.

'Oh? Is something wrong?'

"No. Well—yes. No…! No," I involuntarily stuttered.

'Umm, I'll take that as a 'yes'.'

I opened my eyes again and took in a deep breath. "Yes. Yes. All right. Yes."

'You have me worried here. Are you all right?'

"I'm a buffoon of the world," I replied.

Penumbra laughed.

"I really am," I admitted, "because I don't want to be with him."

Daisuke and I had been dating for three months, and he was head over heels with me. He made me feel pretty. He made me feel wonderful, but I didn't feel as special as I knew I should. Every minute with him became unbearable because I was wasting another minute to be with someone I wish for. Perhaps, Mayu felt the same way with her husband, only she was wiser than I was. She chose to stay with him rather than the one she longed for—the one who did not feel anymore.

The one who had forgotten how to love.

'No, you're not a buffoon. You're actually brave,' Penumbra said.

Funny. Mother always praised me how brave I was when I was a kid. I beat up the boys who tried to play in my spot. I scared the girls away when they tried to tell me how odd I was. My heart was black and blue, and my claws were red and painful. I fought because nobody would for me. I felt just to know how to hurt others. I dared to be honest to know how to lie.

But I was anything but brave.

"I hope it's edible," I said with a dry smile, taking a nearly empty bowl of soup from mother.

Mother looked frail as she lied back down on the bed. There was no compliment as usual, only a small smile she mustered for me. She had fallen ill for the past months, and her absences caused her the job at the factory. The savings could get us going for another month or two, but I had to be real careful of our expenses. There went some of my expensive clothing and jewels, and the electronic palm Haruka got me was sold at a reasonable price. I worked every job Kenji-san and Mayu could get me, and spent more times in Fuuka now that Shizuru started to question. This was one of my secrets I kept from her as I would hate to see her pity me.

No fucking way…

With grocery bags in both hands, I stopped dead twenty meters from the front door to my modest home.

Shizuru, in a baseball cap and a pair of green-tinted specs, was leaning against the wall. Her hands were in the pockets of her jeans. She had her long hair pulled up and hid underneath the cap. Her leisure pose fused with her perfect complexion, she easily passed as a lanky boy model in that knee-length, black trench coat. She paused a little when she saw me, and then gleefully approached me.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I growled.

"I'm here to see you, of course." Shizuru reached out to take a bag from me. I tried to back away from her, but she was relentless and succeeded in making me into a weak girl who couldn't handle an extra grocery bag.

We hadn't seen each other since her trip to South Africa two months ago. It amazed me that she spared her precious time to pay me a visit today.

"Is your mother home?" she asked.

"Yeah, but she's asleep. She's tired." At the mention of mother, I changed the subject. "Why are you here? Angelica doesn't do your laundry anymore?" I marched into my house with her trailing behind. I had very little time to decide whether my place was ready to receive her. But the grocery bags were, indeed, heavy, and I quickly made my way into the dull, small kitchen.

Shizuru looked around, and I inwardly cringed at the set of unmatched, cheap furniture that would have no place in her luxurious penthouse. Thank God that she had shown no reaction to the dire surrounding and simply put the bag on the round, wooden table.

"Angelica. Angelica." Shizuru muttered the name, smiling lightly. "I never let her touch my things." She took the packs of fresh meat and vegetables out of the bags for me to put them into the fridge.

"Oh…" I swiftly turned around before a smile could appear on my face. I knelt on the floor to arrange the items in the fridge. From the fumbling sounds behind me, I could see her hands moving around the table. I could smell her cheap perfume from where I was. I remembered the soft touch of the old, blue pajamas she often wear the nights she felt the most at ease.

And I still recalled when Daisuke was making love to me on her bed.

As I lied down onto the familiar, creamy bed sheet, I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of her natural scent. My face brushed against the silky blanket we often shared. My body trembled. My heart pounded against my chest, and it ached between my legs.

I clutched and pulled the cover to muffle my moans.

'Shizuru…' I could hardly believe the whisper that had just come out of my mouth. My eyes snapped open, and I noticed Daisuke's sudden pause. He was staring down at me.

'What did you say?' He was staggered as much as I was.

'Shi—Shizuru!' I instantly drew the blanket over my body. Blood shot to my face that I thought my head was going to burst.

Daisuke looked puzzled for a second before he turned to where I was looking. A tall, chestnut-haired woman was standing by the doorway, a luggage in her hand. It must have been a very different image of 'Akiko', my model friend and roommate, he used to envision in his mind. Immediately, he recognized her as 'S', and the realization sent him to his feet.

'Oh—oh—oh! I—I—I—I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!' One hand over his crotch, Daisuke ran to grab his clothes that were scattered around the room.

Shizuru directed her gaze elsewhere as she quietly walked in and put the luggage next to the bed. Under the blanket, I felt horridly naked when she would not look at me. She didn't ask for any excuse, and there was no accusation. No question asked even after Daisuke profusely apologized and left. I wasn't sure if she was upset to see a stranger on her bed, or if she overheard my deepest secret. In fact, I wasn't even sure if she felt anything.

When Shizuru went into a shower, I prepared her a new bed sheet and blanket. I also tidied up the room and left virtually no trace of Daisuke behind, but shamefully prayed that mine still stayed. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I found myself quivering as I stared down at my bare feet. The image of her standing by the doorway kept playing in my head until I felt the nausea coming that I had to stand up and walked around for some air. Before the sound of water running in the bathroom would stop, I packed a few belongings and left for Fuuka.

"I talked to Mai-san last night, and she said you've moved back here. 'Moved', that's what she said," Shizuru muttered. There was a tinge of disbelief in her tone.

I looked over my shoulder to look at her. She continued to arrange the items.

"I thought you were with your boyfriend. What's his name?" Shizuru turned, and our gazes locked.

"Daisuke." I tried to read her face, but her placid facial expression was intact.

There was a moment of silence before she said, "You didn't leave me a note. You didn't call."

"You didn't call either." I mentally smacked myself in the head. I should have just dropped the subject as I didn't really want to remember how I checked my mobile day and night for her sign.

Shizuru brushed her nose a little. "I wasn't mad at you, Nao. You didn't have to tell me about him. Like I said, I thought you were with him, so I didn't want to bother you. Mayu said you still accepted some jobs, but you always left as soon as the work was done. I didn't believe that you actually moved back here. I still got your things—"

"Jesus, you're unbelievable." Cursing under my breath, I turned back to the task at hand.

Shizuru was not one of the hardest-working student council presidents, but she was the most popular for her uncanny efficiency. She never received the highest grade in class, but she was the best student because she learned, not only memorized. She was not the most talented actress on earth, but she was one of the best performers because she knew just how to mesmerize the audiences.

But even a scholar could falter, and Shizuru failed to see through some of the things most would pick up. It would take a simple phone call to know that I wasn't living happily ever after with Daisuke, but really damning myself in misery. It would take just one fucking phone call to know that Kuga wasn't lusting after boys and celebrating her youth, but realizing now how life would always feel dead without her.

During the two months that I had been back, I often hung out with Mai and Tate, and once met Kuga and her new boyfriend as well. I must admit that she not only had great taste in men, but also women, considering the cute waitress who tried to flirt with her at the Korean restaurant that night.

The way Kuga glanced at the waitress struck me as odd when it felt as if she even enjoyed the tease to some extent. Her boyfriend didn't pick up any hint. He was so sure of himself, even more so than the handsome Matsuoka, whom Kuga dumped after about six months of dating. But all the joys were short-lived when Mai had to ruin the little moment Kuga could allow herself to be, well…, herself.

'How is Shizuru-san? We haven't heard from her in a long time.' Mai asked in the middle of the table, and our fun dinner abruptly came to an end.

One arm around Mai's shoulder, Tate compressed his lips and closed his eyes. His face twisted as if he was in pain.

Kuga's boyfriend kept smiling, looking clueless. To be honest, he didn't look that interested in the subject. But I felt my skin burning when Kuga's head snapped at the question. Her beautiful eyes narrowed as she watched my lips, counting every millisecond for me to give her some news, to tell her that Shizuru still wanted to come back to her.

'All I can say is… Everything you read in the gossip column, believe it.' I popped a meatball into my mouth and chewed.

Gasping, Mai turned to Tate. 'My God, she's got loads of girlfriends like they said then! She's a real naughty girl. Naughty!' She pouted in her motherly way, shaking her head disapprovingly.

Kuga's boy toy sipped his beer. 'Who are you guys talking about, sweetheart?'

'Sweetheart.' I echoed and laughed, earning a deadly glare from Kuga.

'Just some old friend of ours,' Kuga said, sharply looking away. Her brows came together in one dramatic line. 'So… What's she been up to?'

I glanced up at her, surprised that she dared to ask the question herself. It had been more than a year and a half since Shizuru settled in Tokyo, and Kuga must have felt readier to move on.

'She's busy and all. I don't know how she manages to work and have a life at the same time. She's got a lot on her mind. Sometimes I think she even invites the troubles in herself,' I said earnestly, picking the noodles with my chopsticks. I wasn't exactly in the mood to screw Kuga's mind since I wasn't particularly over the incident in Tokyo. It hurt just to think of her—how she didn't ask a thing, how she just didn't care.

I glanced up a little to see the contemplative look in Kuga's eyes. I could see endless trains of thoughts crashing into one another in her pensive gaze, trying to decipher the meaning of it—desperate to know whether she was still in Shizuru's heart and mind.

'Her number was always on voicemail—' But Kuga was interrupted by the soft call of my name.

'Nao-chan…?'

At the familiar voice, I turned to see Daisuke in a brown jacket and a pair of denim jeans. He had his backpack hanging over his shoulder, his face reddened from the cold wind outside. He looked quite out of breath, and I was pretty certain that he had been looking for me from place to place. Mother must have told him where I was.

My friends at the table looked puzzled by Daisuke's sudden appearance, waiting for me to introduce him to them. But Daisuke wasn't really paying any attention to them. He just stared at me as though there were only the two of us in the restaurant. There were dark circles around his eyes, his shoulders rigid.

'Why didn't you answer my calls?' He asked the question I dreaded the most. Not because I didn't have an answer, but he had to ask it in front of all these people. 'Is it because of her? Is she here with you? I'd like to talk to her. I need some explanations, Nao-chan. I went back to her penthouse but the security guards wouldn't let me in.'

I didn't know what to make of my face now that all eyes were upon me.

Kuga lifted her cold gaze up and glowered at me. Her lips quivered a little before she asked, 'Who is he talking about?'

I rubbed my temples, looking away from the accusing look. Why did she look at me like I betrayed her? We were never friends. Ever. I would have let the question unanswered. I would have let her curiosity kill her hope. I would have been 'brave' to steal what wasn't mine.

Daisuke turned to Kuga. 'I'm talking about Shizuru-san. Do you know her, too?'

Kuga let a moment to sink it all in, and we all fell silent. To our surprise, she quietly got up from the table and left. Her boyfriend quickly paid for their share and followed her out. Mai and Tate politely left the scene soon afterwards.

The night ended with Daisuke and me occupying the table, engaged in our conversation, some little explanations and silence until we were the last to leave the restaurant. That night ended with my first, real hope to feel normal crashing at an intersection. It was so predictable, but I just couldn't escape it. I saw the trouble right in front of me, but my heart foolishly welcomed it.

Kneeling on the floor, I glanced over my shoulder to watch Shizuru. Her back was facing me. Her hands were jiggling over the groceries.

"I missed you." Her whisper would have been lost in the slow blow of the wind, but I caught it.

I wasn't as brave as mother or Penumbra thought I was. During our last dinner, I did ask Daisuke to call me again as 'Chess'. Losing him felt dreadful all of a sudden. He had become a friend whom I had reluctantly grown to depend on. He had filled in the vacant place by my side. He had been the one who was concerned over my difficulties and mother's heath. He asked me to forget it.

I soon found myself quite alone in Fuuka, watching my mother confined to bed. I soon found my life as bitter and the world as scary as it once was. The alley was dark, yet I just couldn't seem to walk to the light at the end of the tunnel.

"I missed you, too." My whisper was equally soft, but I knew she heard it.

Shizuru turned slightly and our gazes met. It felt new every time she laid her eyes upon me. For some strange reasons, it felt so secured just to know that she had noticed. Her steady gaze was a promise that everything would be all right.

"Mai is coming for dinner tonight. Will you stay?" I asked.

I was relatively certain that Kuga would not tag along. Although Mai and I had talked about the dinner incident, that it was all a misunderstanding on Daisuke's part, Kuga had yet to talk to me since. Kuga insisted that she couldn't care less of what happened between Shizuru and me, but nobody believed her. She was a lousy liar when she adamantly refused to go anywhere with me again. She distrusted me, and I despised her luck.

Shizuru raised her brows. "I don't think so. I've got a place to go. Actually, I'm running late."

"Huh. Where are you going?"

Shizuru being late was a bit of a surprise, and it only intensified my joy to know that she chose to be late to her appointment just to see me and tell me that she had missed me.

I faked a pout. "Urgh. Please don't tell me you're going to stalk Kuga again. She'll be at the fencing club until six, by the way."

Chortling, Shizuru got up and looked around a bit. She wasn't disturbed by my statement. It was no secret now that I'd been checking and seeing all the motels in Fuuka listed in her credit card bills. "Nobu-san got a place up over the hill to show me. He said it's a nice piece of estate."

"You are shopping for a home again!?" My jaw dropped in amazement.

"You sound like Haruka now. Come on. I'm just looking. Chance is I won't take it. I'm not here anymore." Shizuru made her way towards the front door. "I'll come back in an hour to pick you up, ok?"

I sprinted out of the kitchen, following her to the door. "What do you mean picking me up?"

Turning to me, Shizuru tightened her cap a little, making sure her cover was still intact. "I thought you wanted to go back with me. Please don't make me beg," she spoke in a low voice, looking left and right as if my rejection would make her look bad.

"What about dinner with Mai?"

"Call her. Tell her you're leaving." Shizuru grinned.

I rolled my eyes. 'S' had the tendency to overlook others' priority at times, and I wondered why she was always forgiven. Possibly, it was her silly way of making us feel important. Perhaps, it was her childish gripes that read to us as endearing pleas.

"No, I can't," I said. I couldn't believe how much effort I spent to reject her, but I couldn't leave mother until she got better. Behind the specs, she frowned like a frustrated puppy that I had to laugh. "Go now. You're already late." A smile on my face, I lightly pushed her arm.

"I'm mad now. Don't call me tonight because I'm gonna turn off all my phones. I got six of them. I'm going to turn them all off, I warn you." Shizuru pretended to shake her head.

"I thought you got seven." I chuckled, my arms across my chest, fighting the urge to pull her in and never let go. Seriously, I sometimes lost track of how many cell phones she carried with her. She never bought expensive mobiles. Having to travel a lot, losing some became inevitable.

"Let go of my hands!" A distant shout erupted amidst the sound of hurried footsteps.

"Why do you have to be so difficult? She's our friend!"

Having caught the familiar voices, Shizuru froze. She stared blankly at me as I stared at her. We both didn't have to look to know whose voices they were. Mai was always early as she loved to help me prepare supper and such. But she had to drag Kuga around this time, possibly in an attempt to end our dispute.

Shizuru took in a deep breath before turning to see the sources of voices.

"This is it, Mai! I told you, I don't want to see her! Now, my teacher will be very mad because I'm so freakin' late, and it's all because of you!" Down the small road, Kuga spun on her heels and marched back down the road, failing to notice us. She kept yelling something that grew incoherent to us as the distance grew.

Mai was about to turn around to follow her friend, but she stopped when she spotted us in front of my house. Without a thought, I grabbed Shizuru with both hands and turned her to me, pressing my lips against hers.

"Na—" Caught off-guard, Shizuru had no time to accept or refuse. She only stood there, confined in my strong grip that could grow so frail if only she spoke the name.

Natsuki? Nao?

I closed my eyes as I dared not to stare into hers. She did not touch me. She did not kiss me back. But I could feel her reluctance to break away. I could feel her heartbeat racing against mine.

A moment had passed, and I left the warmth of her lips and surged back to reality. I opened my eyes to see the stunned look on her face. The look that questioned every reason existed. The look that betrayed a child's innocence. The look that said she would never have expected it in a million years.

I involuntarily took a step back, my body shaken from the truth in her eyes. As she took a step towards me, I hugged myself. She suddenly felt so large like a gruesome giant, coming forth to invade my space.

Shizuru shook her head. "You didn't mean it."

My God, she didn't hear it…

I failed to provide an immediate answer, and humiliation chained my legs from running away. She didn't hear me whispering her name that night she walked in on Daisuke and me. She always thought of me and put me before others just because I happened to be by her side, in someone else's place. She came here really just to tell me that she missed me and nothing more. After all this time, she had never suspected my feeling for her. Throughout our good and bad times, she never had a fucking clue.

"Quite a nice distraction, wasn't it?" I straightened myself up. I wasn't blushing. I knew that for certain as my body felt so cold inside out. I then gestured at Mai, who had already disappeared down the road with Kuga. There was a strong chance that Mai had seen the kiss, or else she would have approached us.

"I didn't need distraction." Shizuru continued to stare at me. She was unabashed by the kiss. She had kissed many men and women, privately and professionally, that a kiss was just, what it was, a kiss.

I shrugged. "Kuga doesn't want to see me. She despises me."

Shizuru had a smile on her face at the thought of her 'Natsuki'. "Please, she doesn't hate you. She's probably—"

"Do you really know her now? She's changed, you know. A lot."

At the statement, she looked away, hands in her pockets. The fact that they both had grown so far apart successfully tore her burning stare from me. "I… I can't call her. Natsuki, she—"

"You could, but he might pick up the phone."

Shizuru fixed her gaze down at her feet, her face as impassive as ever.

"She's got a new boyfriend. We went out. All of us. We went out for a dinner once." I perked my chin up, feeling almighty now that I was holding the information she was dying to know.

Shizuru looked up at me for a moment. I couldn't tell if she was loathing me for it, or if she was waiting to hear more.

But the forlorn look in her eyes had my soul bared, and I said, "She… She didn't say it, but I knew that she missed you."

Shizuru didn't have much to say afterwards. She quietly left. I didn't know if she still went to her late appointment, but she didn't come back to pick me up as said earlier. Between the two of us, I was never a better liar. It was going to be difficult to be around her from now on. It was going to be really hard to look at her in the eye and pretended that the kiss was just a kiss.

Weeks that followed were filled with my phone calls that were never answered, and emails that were never replied. It seemed that I had become the second Kuga, banned from Shizuru's life. Fear had evolved and took control of her, chasing away those who actually cared for her. Even though I had seen Kuga as an example, I was unprepared for the rejection.

To keep my sanity, I spent time taking care of mother and worked more shifts at local stores. I opted not to use any makeup to save some money. I frequented the night calls now that I needed more cash. And, to make myself feel a little better, I looked out the window to watch the stars and reminded myself that we were still under the same sky no matter where she was.

"She hasn't called. It's been a month, and she hasn't called," I griped, clipping my nails. Tonight was a little quiet, and I was a little too restless. Sitting on the bed, I snug my phone between my left ear and shoulder. Penumbra had become my new best friend when the world seemed to turn its back on me.

"Her assistant said she's shooting a new movie at the moment, so she's probably very busy… or she's just out of the country," I quickly added.

'What does this crush of yours do? She even got an assistant!'

I paused for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut for letting out an intimate detail that I shouldn't have. All through our conversations, I never mentioned anything that could have exposed Shizuru's identity.

'It's okay. You don't have to tell me—'

"She's an actress." I had to do it. When I had no one else to turn to, Penumbra was the only friend I got left.

'Wow! Anyone famous? I'm all excited now.'

"That's all I'm going to hint. Bleh." I made it sound trivial, believing that no one on earth could have guessed that it was actually 'S' I had been lamenting over.

But the string of lonely nights had abruptly come to an end when I took a small job from Mayu and bumped into Luca again. Amidst a hundred crews, he wasted no time and tried to charm me with his tanned, muscular body and his strong, sexy accent. His handsome, bearded face betrayed his age, and I could actually live with it. As my mind kept replaying those sad nights in Fuuka, I suddenly found my new companion extremely addictive.

Party after party, drink after drink, Luca and I spent days and nights breathing Tokyo together. He came into my life and lit it up with his charismatic laugh and fancy dinner. I walked into his life and made him forget his catastrophic divorce with my shameless, sardonic youth. I believed we had something we needed from each other. We enjoyed each other so much that I decided to officially move in with him, even though everybody was already convinced that I was living with him for havingspent the nights over at his place for the past month.

With each day Luca showered me with gifts and a continual sense of importance, I started to understand why people remembered the bad times better than good ones. Time flied when everything around you was filled with hope, but it stopped when your world cracked and made you suffer every single minute of it. I fully understood it on one winter night when I decided to visit Shizuru again.

It had been months since she last visited me in Fuuka. I had several opportunities to see her at the studios while she was on the shoots, or at some parties, but she always had the knack to 'overlook'. She never saw me there. She failed to notice my presence even when I stared so hard at her, hoping for an eye contact from a far corner. It was always Mayu, or some other fine-looking models around 'S' that veiled me away. I didn't want to approach her. I was afraid that I might burst my happiness bubble with Luca. I was frightened that I'd run headfirst into the crazy, lonely world with her the first moment she called my name. Perhaps, Kuga had felt the same way I did now, and it was so enticingly fragile a sentiment to kill off.

"Nobu-san was exasperated! You've just upset the whole shooting schedule! How could you do that to the boy? What has he ever done to you?" Mayu almost screamed, and I was startled at her rare display of frustration.

I had just walked into Shizuru's penthouse unannounced since I still had the key. The actress and her assistant were having a heated conversation by the kitchen counter. They hadn't noticed me.

"Why do you keep calling him a boy? He's even older than me," Shizuru said, sipping her wine. She was in a glamorous, revealing black dress. Her hair was all done. Her heavy makeup accentuated her eerie beauty.

"Oh, please! You just keep getting more and more childish every day. What has gotten into you?" Mayu had dressed up as well. I figured they had somewhere to go afterwards, and it was hard for me to deny that it was the reason I chose to visit Shizuru tonight.

Shizuru sat herself on the stool, pouring another glass of wine. "I just don't want to work with him, that's all. He can be replaced. He's unimportant."

"He's a supporting actor. Yes, he's a nobody, 'S', but he got the part because he won the audition. He was the best, and he fitted the role perfectly. What have you got against him?" Mayu paced around, letting out an aggravated sigh. Something scandalous must have happened today at the shoot of 'Sarabande', Shizuru's third film, and I mentally cursed for having missed it.

"Well, let's get this straight, and I hope you'll be more rational than this. We already shot some scenes with him, and it would be quite a mess if we had to reshoot—"

"It's a good thing that I haven't started. You could take me off the cast now," Shizuru deadpanned.

"Shizuru!"

"It's either me, or him. Simple." Shizuru's tone was disturbingly cool, but I could see the understated restlessness in her bloodshot eyes. She had either been deprived of sleep for days, or she was already drunk at eight o'clock.

Mayu glowered at the actress. "You're not going to make it easy, are you?"

"Don't presume what's easy and what's not for me! You don't know me!" Shizuru had literally jumped at Mayu, gripping the woman's arms and scolding in her face. The assistant froze, equally stunned by the anger as I was. Something told me that this wasn't just another usual shenanigan by 'S'; it was something excruciatingly serious for her.

Mayu took a deep breath in and brushed Shizuru's hands off her. "You may be right. I don't know who you are anymore. I'm leaving."

Shizuru walked back to the counter to get her glass. "Go back to your husband. You know he'll always be there, waiting for you," she said, raising the glass to her assistant.

Mayu stopped in her track, and then slowly turned around to face Shizuru. "What is your problem?"

"I don't have any problems."

"Seriously, this has got to stop."

Shizuru shrugged. "Anytime."

At the notion, Mayu rushed back to the actress, cupping her face with both hands. "I—I meant whatever that's killing you. Whatever it is that always keeps you at a distance. I can't reach you, Shizuru. This has to stop. I want it to stop."

"I don't know how, and maybe I don't want to." Shizuru finished her drink in one go.

"Are you in love with someone else?" Mayu shook her head in hurt, the action which I found incredibly ridiculous and selfish on her part.

Shizuru even had a smile as she retorted, "I'm single, Mayu. I'm free to like anybody."

"I'll divorce him, if you will have me," Mayu said without batting an eyelid. And I was about to puke, recalling how Kenji-san had to dine alone more often than not when she was busy fucking her boss.

There was a brief hesitation in Shizuru's eyes as she stared at Mayu, but the look was quickly replaced by what I'd call 'sorrow'.

"We can't. What we had belongs to the past. We were too young to know what love is."

"But we've grown. We both know what it feels like—"

"I shouldn't have started it with you… It's not fair to Kenji-san. It's not fair to you, or me…" Shizuru said, slowly looking away.

Tears welled up Mayu's eyes. Her gaze was fixed upon Shizuru, but its usual intensity was lost somewhere between the past and the present. Her soul wasn't really there, and it somewhat scared me. She had always been the strong, composed one. She was one of the first people I'd turn to if I needed help, and I believed Shizuru had felt that way, too.

"If only I could show it to you. You've always been the one for me, Shizuru, and you'll always be," Mayu whispered. She then turned away, heading towards the door. But she halted in her steps when she saw me in the doorway.

Shizuru had looked up after Mayu and saw me as well. For a short, awkward moment, the three of us just remained in silence. I should be thankful for everything Mayu had done for me, but I was too caught up in my joy to see her leave.

Mayu slightly turned towards Shizuru's direction and said, "Happy Birthday." With that, she left without looking at me.

Shizuru turned twenty years old that night. She was in a stunning dress. She had prepared for a wonderful celebration with her pals. But after what had just happened, I figured it would be just the two of us tonight. The party had suddenly become a distant plan.

Without another word, Shizuru walked around the counter and grabbed a new glass. She poured me a glass of wine as I approached the counter and sat down. I took the glass from her, and we clank our glasses.

"Happy birthday," I said.

After a long moment, Shizuru looked up at me and gave me a small, but genuine smile.

The night went by in bottles, small talks and more laughs. We had a lot to catch up during the months I was away, discovering and experiencing new things in life. I tried to avoid the subject of dating Luca, although I supposed that she must have heard it from the crews. Gossips and rumors in the studios spread like wildfire. But Shizuru didn't only leave Luca out of our good time, she opted not to mention what had gone down with Mayu earlier tonight like it never happened—like how she failed to get uncomfortable about our kiss. She was so good at faking it that I wanted to scream behind my smile.

By three o'clock in the morning, Shizuru passed out on the couch, and I was already very tired and drunk. I had to literally drag her into her bedroom and threw her onto the bed. I unzipped her gown and took it off her, so that she could sleep more comfortably. Her skin was so warm, and her body was akin to perfection. I just sat beside her, watching her chest rise up and down in a peaceful rhythm. It wasn't long before I fell asleep next to her. I wasn't sure if it was the influence from the alcohol, but it had to be the soundless slumber I had had in a long time.

"Matsuoka…? Holy shit…" My eyes widened at the information I had just received. I remembered well of Matsuoka, Kuga's first boyfriend, who left such an impression on Shizuru. How he ended up in Tokyo was not a big surprise given his good looks, but to wind up on the same casting list with 'S' had to be his worst start in the industry.

Haruka and Yukino nodded in agreement. We were in the corner of the studio, watching Shizuru doing her first scene for 'Sarabande'. One could only pray that nothing on earth could distract and set off the eccentric actress again.

"Shit happens. And that's why I was on a field trip last week, casting a new actor to feel in his place!" Haruka grumbled.

"Fill, Haruka-chan," Yukino corrected, and then turned to explain, "Shizuru just flipped when she saw Matsuoka-kun on the set that day."

I rolled my eyes. "So you didn't even bother to tell her before that? We all knew how she was that night she saw Kuga and him together. She'd never want to have anything to do with him, that's for sure."

Yukino looked down in guilt and adjusted her glasses, contemplating for a moment. "I thought it was a long time ago, and Shizuru could probably ignore it… Does this mean that she's still in love with Natsuki?"

The statement had me staggered in a way I hadn't prepared for. I roared out in laughter and spoke louder than I intended to. "Haven't you seen all the girls she's been partying with? Kuga is a thing of the past. Trust me."

But the past and present weren't always too far apart to let go of each other. It wasn't 'S' who staged a chaos on set today, but Kenji-san, an old-fashioned gentleman. As usual, no one really noticed him. No one ever really listened to him, with his trademark soft-spoken voice. Nobody saw when he entered the studio. It was only until he stalked across the hall, passed the running camera in the bewildered eye of the crews, grabbed the actress and punched her in the face, that others finally became aware of his presence.

Screams and yells erupted as soon as Shizuru stumbled backwards, covering her nose and mouth with both hands. It took Haruka, Yukino and I a moment to mentally register what was happening. Or was it our fear of what Kenji-san might burst out now? But the man just turned around and left the scene as quietly as he came.

"Ara, I need to change." Shizuru studied the bloody spots on her gray sweater. Quite frankly, she was more concerned about her costume than her bleeding lips. She didn't press any charges, and Nobu made it clear to the crews that the incident must be kept secret, or they'd be released from the shooting (and future projects).

"You didn't tell me it was him," I said almost in an accusing tone.

Bracing myself against the bathroom door, I watched Shizuru examine the dark purple spot at the corner of her mouth in the mirror. I followed her back to the penthouse, keeping Mayu out of the picture and marking my old territory in a way. Nobu gave the actress a few days to rest, but Shizuru insisted on returning tomorrow. She didn't look disturb or shaken by the event today as though she had anticipated it.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't play dumb now. I'm talking about Matsuoka! You got him fired!"

"Oh, that… Why would you care? He's not your friend." Shizuru mildly shrugged.

"I can't believe you stooped so low, Shizuru. You have no rights over Kuga. You never had. She can live whichever way she wants and with whoever she wants. How could you do that to him? Plain rejection from you will probably kill off his career in this industry, and he hasn't even started it yet." I couldn't quite explain all the anger fuming inside of me. For some reason, I'd rather see her confront Matsuoka and suffered. I wanted her to be able to put all that was Kuga behind her.

Shizuru put the wet towel down on the sink and looked at me from the mirror. "I don't care. I don't care what he's gonna do with his life after this. I just don't want to see his face ever again."

"I should have known that it's so easy for you," I sneered, and then strode out of the bathroom.

To my surprise, Shizuru followed into the living room and put herself in front of me, blocking my way. "Where—where are you going?" She began to waver when I wouldn't stop.

"I'm going to Luca's. I live with him now." I grabbed my purse and jacket from the couch.

"He's old enough to be your father. Please, Nao. You don't have to do this to upset me."

My jaw dropped in vexation that she had the nerve to claim her self-importance over me. "You can't be serious. I date Luca because he likes me, and I like him. We enjoy each other a lot, Shizuru. My life doesn't revolve just around you and your needs. You show up when you have no one, and then you just disappear on a whim. For God's sake, not everyone is willing to get hurt to get your attention! I'm not Mayu!"

Everything was a haze after I stormed out of her penthouse. She didn't follow, and foolishly I waited in the hallway. I waited, but everything remained so quiet, as lonely as the road I took, as lost as my entire world.

Looking down, I saw her shadow on the other side of the door, which easily separated our worlds. But she didn't come out, and she didn't call. I mentally slapped myself for being smart for once. I was right: I wasn't Mayu. I wasn't willing to jump into whatever circus she led. I wouldn't let her fleeting attention fool me. I wouldn't let my yearning hinder what was best for me.

What hurt the most was that I wasn't as brave and courageous as I'd like to be.

"How much does this car cost?" Mother asked reluctantly. She was in the front passenger seat. She used to have an old Toyota some years ago before she went into coma. Everything was sold after it appeared that she wasn't going to wake up again.

"Don't know. It's a gift from Luca." My boyfriend was generous, and I wasn't going to object it. A little comfort in life couldn't hurt. I'd leave the car in Fuuka even though I knew that mother would take the train instead. Maybe she could sell it for cash in case of emergency.

"Luca? Your boyfriend isn't Japanese?" Mother frowned slightly. She was taken aback by the revelation since I rarely mentioned him to her before, though she tried not to show it for fear of offending me.

I kept the subject of Luca short and made it sound forgettable. I didn't want mother to think that I was one of those girls living off their rich, middle-aged boyfriends, even if I sort of did in a way. Life wasn't all paved with rose petals, and I was one to know it better than most girls in Fuuka.

That evening, I took mother to see 'Sarabande', the new film featuring 'S'. The theater was extremely crowded on the opening weekend, and the film worked like magic. After two hours of action and drama, 'S' managed to make mother completely forgot about the car and the boyfriend. Mother even planned to see the movie again next week.

I refused, claiming that it was too predictable for my taste, the usual garbage by 'S'. I returned to the theater the next day, picking the latest show time of the day. It had to be the lamest way to see her face again. Once I claimed the courage to be with the one I wanted rather than the other way around, I now learned that it was much harder to put it in practice.

To my fault, I had always considered Yukino a weakling. But however frail she may appear to be at times, she turned out to be a brave soul. She had kept her head and her heart in one. She let Haruka know her feelings and faced humiliation to stand by the blonde no matter what. While Shizuru and I, the bold ones during the Hime fiasco, faltered in the real world battle.

"Hmm…" Yukino murmured as she slowly broke out of her nap. Stirred by the noises and loud chatters in the studio, she lifted her head from Haruka's stiff shoulder. She was taking a short nap while I did a small commercial, a job Mayu kindly found me. We were going for a BBQ dinner afterwards.

Haruka looked clearly uncomfortable in her post, her gaze kept scanning the area if anyone was looking at them with suspicious eye. As a renowned producer's niece, she was super cautious of her action regarding both public and private issue.

"My… My glasses…" Sitting on the stool in the corner, Yukino clumsily fumbled through her bag. She paused when Haruka quietly handed her the pair of glasses. The blonde had taken it off Yukino and kept it in her chest pocket all the while her friend was asleep.

Not a word was exchanged between the two. Haruka didn't have to burst out the list of what Yukino should or should not do before taking a nap, and Yukino didn't have to thank her. She simply put the glasses. Seeing Yukino's discreet smile of confidence, I couldn't deny that I wasn't jealous. Not everyone was as lucky and strong to be able to stay on the long, wicked road called 'love'. Certainly not Mayu, or me.

Mayu approached me after the shooting, and I thanked her for the help. As always, she smiled and pretended that nothing out of ordinary had happened—not her affair, or the fact that her husband hit the actress in the face. She had tried to apologize to Shizuru, but Shizuru only shunned her out. They had not talked since 'Sarabande' was wrapped. Nobu didn't have to fire Kenji-san for risking damages on the million-dollar face; the man resigned himself the day after the scandal.

But I could see the sadness in Mayu's eyes behind her smile. The bitterness ironically mirrored mine.

"I'm getting a divorce," she said.

We stood in the corner, and only Haruka and Yukino were near enough to hear our conversation. I never expected her to consider me as a person to confide in, but a stranger was sometimes the best candidate to let on a secret or two. Distance in conversation only made the pain far less tangible than it really was, but to each of us, it was as real as it got.

"I'm sorry, Mayu-san…" I said.

Mayu looked down. "He said he won't be a fool anymore… but I just can't stop making a fool out of myself. I can't stop loving her."

"What will she do now?" I found my voice a bit shaken at the resentful curiosity.

"She… She said she's in love with someone else." There was a flash of discomfort across Mayu's eyes as she looked up at me. "She often mentioned a friend…, Natsuki. I supposed they were close. Do you know the girl?"

My heart sank. Shizuru had finally dared to confess of her true feeling. And I was sorely tempted to announce to the world that it was one-sided on her part, and that she was chasing what she could never have—that she was more courageous than I wanted to admit.

"Yeah… Uh, she's our Fuuka friend—"

"Is it true that Shizuru's gone?" At the mention of Kuga, Yukino stood up from her chair and interrupted us. Sparing heartache for the both of us was what she was doing.

"Gone? What do you mean?" I blinked, suddenly feeling a hole in my chest.

Shizuru took herself off the packed work schedule indefinitely. Two years after she left Kuga, the odd actress still found her mask irreparable, her heart bruised and her pride diminished. She eventually abandoned the sanctuary of scripts that allowed her to be someone else, the parties that offered only smiles, and the girls who enjoyed her persona but never knew the real her. She went to search for her true self in the outside world.

For long months, she disappeared from the life of everyone who knew her.

Until one night I stumbled across a big poster along the crowded subway on my way back to Luca's condominium. The display featured a uniquely handsome face of 'S', the model was wearing only a pair of jeans.

It was one twilight evening of June. Shizuru was propped in the middle of an abandoned warehouse. Her left leg straightened as the support of balance, and her right lifted up, strutting against a rusty container. Wearing only the pair of jeans, her bare breasts were veiled behind the wild waves of chestnut tresses. She bit half of her pinkly-glossed lower lip as she reached out to thrust the camera away.

From what I heard, the commercial had to be shot in Mumbai on the actress' request, which Nobu gladly met her demand. It was hard enough to locate her and even harder to get her on a deal, but the commercial's incredible success reassured the producer that 'S' was worth every difficulty she put him through.

"I was at the shooting, and I got to meet her parents!" A crew babbled about her encounter with 'S' in Mumbai.

I was changing in the locker room, and all of a sudden found it hard to tie my shoes. I was all ears.

"Are you sure they were her parents?" One of the girls responded enthusiastically.

"Well, they didn't look half as gorgeous as she did. I wonder if she's really theirs, you know."

"Oh, so it's true then that her biological mother is Portuguese."

The girl shrugged. "Anyway, she was kind of strange. One minute she was all proper and charming, and then she didn't make much sense the next. She was wearing this elephant mask most of the time. She thought she was some Indian god reincarnated. She wasn't wearing shoes on the set either."

"What a buffoon. I'm not surprised." Another girl made a statement in a scornful, envious tone. "Didn't you know that she's a drug addict? It's the reason she was off work for several months at times. It's only a matter of time, you see. She's going to end up in rehab or drop dead during one of her parties—Ah!" She screamed at the shoe flinging across the room, hitting the wall behind her head.

Bewildered, they all turned to look at me, seemingly only noticed my presence just now.

"That's my friend you're talking about. Keep your mouth shut, or I won't miss it this time." I tightened my grip on the other shoe in my hand.

The girls quickly left, whispering to one another as they glanced over their shoulders at me before the door shut. Letting out a sigh, I walked bare feet to retrieve my shoe. Shizuru had no idea what I'd do for her, but then she had surprised me time and again what she'd do for me.

"Holy shit… This is gonna be fun…" I involuntarily growled as I turned from the Ferrari booth, my hand clinging to Luca's thick bicep. We were having a good time, enjoying the motor show. It was the first time I brought Luca home to Fuuka. Our family dinner last night went pretty well, I must say. Luca didn't seem to care one bit of my less-than-extravagant lifestyle in Fuuka, and he was especially kind to mother.

"What is it?" Luca was quick in response. His gaze followed mine to see a young woman in a black, leather jacket.

Kuga looked radiant with her long, raven hair hung down to her back in contrast with her pale skin and vibrant green eyes. The curves of her matured body fitted the white tank top and the tight jeans perfectly. I had to admit that she looked striking even in casual clothes.

She turned around from the Ducati booth, and horror plastered all over her pretty face the second she saw me. For a brief moment, she quickly glanced over Luca and was clearly relieved that it wasn't Shizuru next to me.

I promptly dragged Luca to Kuga, stopping her from walking away. "Oh, hello, Kuga. Not so fast."

"I'm not running away. Hello back." She turned to face me again. She didn't even try to fake a smile. Frankly, her honesty was almost endearing, and it always came in handy when my world was just so messed up.

"This is Luca, my boyfriend. Luca, this is Kuga Natsuki. She used to be her best friend."

Luca grinned. "Nice to meet you, Ms. Kuga! If you're a friend of 'S', then you're my friend, too!"

Kuga struggled in his bear hug, and I had to laugh.

"Have you heard from Shizuru?" I asked.

Kuga arched her brows at my question. Lord knew how easy she was to toy with. She glanced at Luca for a second before looking away. "We haven't talked in a while," she lied, possibly to save herself from being humiliated in front of my boyfriend.

"She and I hook up every week or so. She said she's missed you, by the way," I lied, elbowing Luca as to a signal him to keep quiet. "She's changed her number." I pretended to grab my cell phone from my pocket, and then stopped. A smile on my face, I looked up at her and sniggered. "She'll call when she remembers."

Kuga just stood there, watching Luca and I leave. The look on her face was not of horror, but stupor. She looked just the way I wanted, the way I had felt—that same confusion and desperation that haunted me day and night.

"She has no fucking clue what I'd do for her," I said into the phone. As usual, Penumbra was on the other end of the line. The conversation was as deep and bare as it was going to get. It felt like talking to a wall. It held your secrets well.

Penumbra laughed. 'Why don't you just call her? It's her birthday, isn't it?'

"Yeah, she's turning twenty-one. Twenty-one and still so stupid! She should be calling me now. Do you always expect your friends to call you on your birthday? People should be grateful when they have friends to begin with."

'Don't be upset, widowmaker. It's a good day. Do something to lighten yourself up.'

I rolled on my bed, burying my face in the pillow. "I'm tired. I'm sick of this shit. I love my boyfriend, and I should be happy with him."

A pause. 'Then why don't you let her go…? Maybe she's waiting for you to let her go.'

The words struck me hard for I already had the answer to it. I had shamefully tried to hold Shizuru back. I had done ridiculous things I never thought I'd be doing just to make her forget Kuga. I had hoped that time would make her look at me the way she looked at her. But what hurt the most was that I knew that Shizuru understood me more than I ever gave her credit for. She was simply waiting for me to come to term with it like she was willing to wait for Kuga to make a decision.

After a moment of silence from me, Penumbra quickly added, 'Hey, I didn't mean to be nosy, or anything. It was merely a suggestion. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.'

"Don't worry. I'm ok," I said. A sad smile slowly crept up my face. "Oh, shit… Wait." I grumbled as another line called in. My heart skipped a beat at the odd number on the screen. "Shit. Penumbra, I have to go."

'S—sure. Talk to you later.'

I immediately hung up and answered the second line. "Hello." I trusted that my voice was steady.

'Hey…'

There was a long pause before I could suppress all the joy blooming inside upon hearing her greeting word. "New number again?"

She chortled.

"Happy birthday, Shizuru."

'I was waiting to hear that,' she teased. 'Thank you. How are you? I hope everything is going well for you.'

"Where are you? When are you coming back?" I wasn't interested in telling her about me. There was nothing I was proud enough to make her care. And I wasn't prepared to hide how excited I was.

'I'm here and there. Prague, at the moment. I'm gonna stay here for a few weeks. But I don't have any plan after this. I'm running out of places to go. Any idea?' She tried to joke, but her voice sounded a little distant, harboring a hint of distress that I could not ignore.

'My parents are here with me,' she finally said. 'I'm not sure why I invited them.'

I shut my eyes tightly at the urge to go to her now and comfort her. Shizuru was many extraordinary things, but never without her faults and weaknesses. I witnessed how she broke down in her mother's apology, and I knew that I didn't want to see that ever again.

"They're back together again?" I asked and hoped for the best for her.

'As friends, I suppose. They want me to go back with them to Fuuka.'

"Well—well… What did you say?" My heart was pounding so fast at the notion, even though I knew that there was very little chance she would settle in Fuuka again.

'They seem to like it there a lot, so I'm looking for a house at the moment… Maybe things will get better… Just maybe…'

"Aren't you happy for them?" I clung to my phone for fear that she might disappear too soon.

It took Shizuru a long moment before she replied, "No."

It wasn't the most romantic way to learn what love was. It was when I felt the pain that wasn't mine—when I wanted to take it all away only if I could hear her laugh again.

"Luca asked me to marry him. Will you be happy for me?"

I didn't know what made me say it then. Perhaps, it was my last pathetic attempt to end my hope. As expected, she didn't give a straight answer. Our phone conversation ended with her heart broken and mine empty.

Share them with me

Show me everything

Your smiles. Your tears

But I won't

You know I can't

Your secrets are safe with me

Fear no more. I feel no more

You are my secret

But you can't

You know you can't love me

The spring month of April greeted us with 'Secrets', the first single from 'S', which mercilessly kept playing in my head. The single easily climbed to the top spot on the chart, while the singer continued to stay out of spotlight. Radio stations kept playing the song to death, and her fans were going to make it a national anthem.

But no one knew of her secret but me.

Lying on the deck of Luca's white yacht, I was in my yellow bikini, a glass of champagne in my hand. My skin was well-oiled with suntan lotion. Wearing a pair of sunglasses, I admired the city view a mile off the Okinawa shore. Luca knew just how to please me, and he had infinite ideas to keep me entertained. He had been trying even harder the past few months as he suspected a growing distance between us. It couldn't be helped. He believed that our age difference had started to take its toll. I had no other way but to assure him that he was the only good thing in my life. I didn't lie.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it!?" Luca climbed up to the deck and lied down next to me. He was in his navy swim brief and a white cowboy hat. Grinning, he turned to me and we clank our glasses.

"To us."

But my merry laugh somehow wiped the smile off his face. He had grown a habit of looking too much into everything concerning me: my smiles, my thoughtful gazes, and even my usually nonsensical babbles. There were times when I stopped laughing at his jokes, and more often than not he started to miss mine. As he let his insecurity creep in, I began to pine for the uncertainty in life that had shaped me into who I was today. He could have been my safest bet, the best man I'd ever found, and I could have been the youth and excitement he'd forever lost. In a way, we were a perfect match, but we could never be content with each other until we were at ease with ourselves. I started to learn life as it came, and Luca seemed to know it. He had lived it before.

Out of the blue, my head snapped at the sound of engine humming above. I looked up, squinting behind my sunglasses. Against the hot, blue sky, a white private jet, its tail painted the letter 'S', flew past our yacht. My mouth gaped open as I shot up to my feet. Raising my free hand over my brows, I tilted my head back, watching as the plane climbed higher into the sky and circled around. Out of breath, I smiled widely at the display. My heart was suddenly full again with the challenges I had missed.

Only until I realized how smitten I appeared to be, I looked down and met with Luca's contemplative, dark gaze.

"She doesn't love you," he whispered over his champagne.

Tears in my eyes, I said, "I know."

She wasn't the best person for me, and I her. But our path had joined and gone beyond where words could describe, and we both couldn't deny that we were a unique pair.

The plane high in the sky, Luca stood up and danced with me in the sun. He sang my favorite, Italian song that I kept forgetting its meaning. At sunset, he sailed back to the dock and gave me a kiss.

"I was going to save it for the wedding day," he joked, chuckling lightly.

All of a sudden, it felt like a burn had just rolled down my chest. I took my sunglasses out, showing him my tears for the first time, and threw my arms around him. After a long embrace, we eventually let go and smiled at each other one last time.

"Live your life to the fullest, Nao-chan. I will miss you. Always."

"And I you, Luca."

I put my sunglasses on against the bright, orange light at the horizon. Turning around, I found Shizuru sitting on a rocky bench not too far away. In a straw hat and a pair of sunglasses, she was in a casual, purple dress and a tight, leather jacket. A cup of tea was set beside her. A book in her hand. She seemed to be engrossed in the reading, sipping her drink all the while. She looked as charming as ever, but what was missing was the urgency in her need to run and hide. She had traveled the world and come back to where it all started—she had come back to me. Maybe life was a vicious cycle like that, and she had learned to accept it.

When I approached her, she looked up and greeted me with a serene smile. I could feel the air of peace around her. It was intoxicating and contagious. She took off her sunglasses, and the gentle sunlight rendered her eyes into a strangely breathtaking, orange-brown shade.

"Are you ready?" She grinned.

With a suitcase in my hand, I faked a coy turn, titling my head a bit. "Hmm. I'm thinking—Paris."

"Guam."

"Bali," I countered.

Shizuru nodded. "Close enough."

And we both giggled. We ended up at the airport soon afterwards and blindly picked a destination on the world map. We had three months before Shizuru would resume her work again, so we took it slow. We journeyed from one place to the next, absorbing the world around us and learning about each other as we truly were.

Lying on the creaky bed in a cheap motel in Chanakyapuri, India, I had a long list of what-to-do on Shizuru's anticipated, one-day event in my hand.

"What time did you say you'll have an interview with Souta-san?" I jotted down the timeline. Kagome Souta was the most respectable TV show host in Japan today, a friend of Yamada Kenji, director of 'Stay', Shizuru's new movie.

"Three—two o'clock, I think. I'll have to check with Mayu again." Shizuru, in her blue pajamas that I'd always found cute, threw herself down next to me. Her hair was wet as she had just come out of a shower. We had just come back from the pub down the street, and Roy Orbison's Crying still haunted me in the back of my mind.

"Why can't you just get a new assistant? Someone who doesn't want to jump into your pants all the time," I said, trying to keep my tone casual.

"Be nice, Nao. I won't fire her just because our affair ended. And she promised to stay away from my personal life."

"You can't be serious. She's asked to join our trip twice already. Urgh, forget it." I inwardly grumbled and pretended to be interested in the list again.

Shizuru chortled. "Good! Let's talk about the plan. Hmm… When I finished the interview, I'd like to have steak for dinner. Can you tell Mayu to make a reservation for me? I need some place nice and quiet. A few glasses of wine and a beautiful seaside view… Yeah, I think she'll like it. Maybe we'll go for a stroll in a park, or I could take her for a ride. There should be enough time before I have to head back to the airport. Oh, and she might like some flowers, too. I think there was a place downtown—"

"I'm curious. Don't you have like a backup plan, or something? Has it ever occurred to you that Kuga might not want to dine with you, princess?"

"Then it'd be the end of the world for me!" Shizuru covered her face with both hands.

I rolled my eyes. "Nobody is forcing you to do a movie, plus an interview, just to get her attention, dimwit."

"Well, the script is great. And I intend to honor Kenji-san's request."

"I thought you didn't like him much," I said, making a face.

"Professionally, I admire him. But, yes, he can be a real pain. What can I do? He seems to be the best excuse for Natsuki to come and see me. She'll be impressed!" Shizuru grinned.

"Let's not get ahead of yourself. The most important thing is to get her to your party. After three years of no contact whatsoever, what makes you think she'll even consider it," I griped, putting the list away.

Shizuru grabbed the paper and frowned as she read on. All of a sudden, I got the nostalgic feeling of lying next to her back when we still stayed at the hotel, missing the time when she would literally study the list of people to invite to her party. We had come a long way, but we were going around in circle. Shizuru was going to return to Kuga and risk breaking her heart again. I was going to let her go and be alone again.

"Hmm. Mai-san could probably get her there somehow…" Shizuru muttered, and then glanced up at me. "But you're right. I'm not sure at all. After all this time, I still don't know how she feels…" There was almost a hint of resentment in her soft voice. A frustration was palpable in her gaze as she slowly laid her head down on the pillow. It all could be just a waste. It could be the same heartbreaking answer she received three years ago. What an answer in life could give when death could not: during the Hime fiasco, Kuga refused her love until the last minute of their life.

Her gaze drifted into the distance, Shizuru clutched the pillow. "I'm going to give her just one day—this one chance. It has to be an end of something… I want to move on, Nao. I want… to live…"

I remained silent as I didn't trust myself to be fair. I only patted her head and sighed. "Then let it be. Fuck the plan. You get her to the party and tell her everything you want her to know. That's it… That will be it…"

But things didn't go as scripted. Yukino informed Shizuru during the shooting of 'Stay' that Kuga failed to show up. The girl didn't even give a call. Although Shizuru managed to remain professional throughout the day, she completely lost it as soon as the film was wrapped. On the way back to the mansion, she drowned herself in tequila shots and a mix of everything else alcoholic. By the time she was up on the deck to perform a new song for her guests, she was almost ready to pass out. I didn't expect her to be able to finish the whole song.

It was a horror to say the least when I saw her jump off the deck and had to drag her out of the pool. Shizuru passed out in my arms, and I stayed by her bedside until four in the morning. Yukino came to knock on the door, Mai, Tate and Mikoto trailing behind her.

"Nao-chan, it's time." Yukino approached the bed. "Haruka-chan already got there an hour ago. She's checking into the hotel now."

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't contain my joy. I'm going to Fiji! F. I. J. I.!" Mai squealed, Mikoto unconsciously clinging to her waist.

"Shhhh! Shizuru-san is sleeping, Mai." Tate tried to quiet down his excited girlfriend, but she didn't seem to listen.

"Mai… Let's go… hungry…" Mikoto murmured in her sleep.

Shizuru eventually woke from the commotion in her bedroom. "Na… Natsuki…?"

That was the first thing that came to Shizuru's mind when she opened her eyes again, and I would have thrown a fit if not because of the others around me. I poured a glass of warm water and lifted Shizuru's head up to give her the refreshment. Shizuru took a sip, frowning in mild puzzlement at the people in her room.

"She's here! Natsuki's here!" Mai grinned from ear to ear.

Yukino nodded in confirmation. "She came to the shooting at 10 P.M., but I didn't get the chance to tell you. She's in the room across the hall, sleeping."

"What—She's staying overnight?" Shizuru blinked a few times, a little dazed. But she couldn't seem to hide the delight in her voice now.

"She passed out just like you did," I spat, harshly retracting my hand and letting Shizuru flop back down to bed. She groaned a little at the headache, clutching her head with both hands.

"I—I passed out?"

"You jumped off the deck, stupid. And she jumped into the pool after you. Double stupidity."

I didn't know what I said or did to earn the suspicious glances from both Yukino and Mai. I was pretty certain that Mai did catch the scene I kissed Shizuru in front of my home, but she never mentioned it. And if our friends had talked about it behind my back, I didn't give a damn. They slowly left the room, promptly giving us the privacy I didn't ask for.

Shizuru looked bewildered. "Who jumped? Me?"

I took a long look at her and shook my head. I sank down on the edge of the bed, facing the wall instead of her. "I'm not surprised. You'd do just about anything to…"

"Hmm?"

Slowly, I turned to her. Shizuru was rubbing her face tiredly, yawning. "I gotta go now. They're waiting for me," I said, getting up.

Oddly, she seemed to detect the sadness in my voice and quickly looked up at me. Our gazes were locked, and everything I had always wanted to say storm inside my chest the moment I had her full attention. I edged back to the bed and gently caressed her face.

"I give you only one day to settle this. You can't… You can't miss that plane to Istanbul… You cannot not know that I'm letting you go for just one day."

I didn't wait for her response. I spun on my heels and left the room to join my friends downstairs. We took the cab and went straight to the airport. We arrived at Fiji before I knew as my mind was busy revolving around everything that had happened between us, every chance I had to hold her back, and what tomorrow might bring for them.

As our gang was having a good time on the beach, celebrating our first night on the island, I sat on the beach recliner, quietly washing down one glass of martini after another. Unfortunately, my mind was too stubborn to let go, and I failed to get drunk no matter how hard I tried.

"I have an idea! Let's call Natsuki-chan and check how it went!" Mai pulled out her cell phone, a glass of wine in her other hand.

The others cheered and gathered around the mother hen, their happy faces reddened by the influence of alcohol.

I secretly thanked God for the ringing of my mobile in my pocket, not wanting to hear what Kuga had to say. I looked at the screen and smiled at Penumbra's number. A friend was what I absolutely needed at the moment.

"Penumbra, I can't believe you call! I told you I'd be in Fiji. Jesus, you're gonna regret your phone bill this month!" I laughed heartily.

'We don't have much time, Nao. The plane is taking off in a few minutes.'

I paused. I never told Penumbra my real name throughout the years of our friendship. Penumbra seemed to lose the high-pitched voice and weird accent I used to hearing, speaking now with the familiar Kyoto-ben.

"How… How did you—When did you… How is this possible…?" I bit my bottom lip. All the things that I had spilled out of my heart in those phone conversations drove tears to my eyes.

'I guess I just figured it out along the way…'

I should have known since Shizuru was a natural chameleon, the very reason she was destined to be an actress. I was surprised that I wasn't angry in the least bit. In fact, I was relieved that she had heard it all from me.

'This isn't the best time, but… Thank you, Nao. You've saved me…'

And she had saved me in ways that I could never have imagined.

'I must go now.'

"Yeah… Yeah, I'll see you when you get back," I said, trying to find my proud smile. When the line was cut, I dropped the phone to my lap and buried my face in my hands. Tears just wouldn't stop pouring down now.

"Are you still there? Na—Nao-chan wouldn't talk to you. I think it's the jetlag," Mai spoke into her phone. She was giving Kuga a lame excuse when she saw me in the miserable state. While everyone else was enjoying the paradise, only Mai seemed to notice that my world was falling apart. When she was finally off the phone from Kuga, she moved beside me and, like a caring mother she was, tenderly put her arm around me.

I let out a bitter chuckle as I rested my head against her shoulder, watching the starry sky. There was no need to exchange words. I didn't have to tell Mai what had happened, but she knew it. We all knew that love had its own way to make its presence in our life, and that we could not force, or fight it. I learned later that, just like life itself, Shizuru's quest to Kuga's answer didn't go exactly as planned. There was no wine to celebrate. There was no romantic ride on her red Vespa. There was no beautiful seaside view to propose. Aside from the failed party, our complimentary trip to Fiji, and the unfinished interview, everything else that happened between them was spontaneous—as spontaneous as love could be.

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A/N:

First off, I'm so sorry for the long wait (if there's anyone who's still reading this LOOOL). I know it's been a year since I last updated this story, but… I finished it!! I finally finished it!!! I hope you enjoyed it somehow. Sorry for not having a beta either.

I now fulfilled my joy of completing a NaoShiz fic… (sounds like a closet ShizNao fan. Looool). Thank you! Thank you those who still read :D I'm gonna miss writing Nao a lot. Gaaaaah. Yeeeeah!!!