"Aramis" Anne began her entry, her eyes lowered and a faint blush to her cheeks "I am so ashamed of myself and my behaviour.

Today when I came to save the Comtesse de Larroque at the trial, I thought that by bringing the King's message and staying the execution you would see me in a better light. And that I would get to see you, maybe even have the chance to speak to you again. I must admit I was slightly annoyed at the King; he had made some remark about Ninon being good looking and her company, so I wanted to see you to feel better about myself.

Then as I stood there in the court room I saw that Ninon was wearing around her neck the cross that I had gifted to you after that fateful day in the gaol where I had been taken hostage. I don't know if you saw me stiffen slightly as I turned looking for you in the crowd.

I was thinking about why you would have given her my gift. Especially after you had kissed it the way you did, looking directly at me, after throwing yourself on the bomb to save me. I was scared for you that day, not the King or myself but you. I thank God every night that the bomb turned out to be a fake.

I thought that you must have had some sort of feelings for me and yet, here was the cross, around Ninon's neck.

I was jealous of her in that moment and my feelings were a little hurt. It was foolish and childish of me to think that way but I thought you had placed your attentions...your affections on her. That is why I was so cold with you when we first met on the walk after the Cardinal's dramatic seizure in the court room as he was announcing the sentence Ninon was to face.

I shouldn't have been upset or jealous. I am a married woman and the Queen of France. My marriage, however, is one made of politics and duty, not one of love and romance. Louis reserves those last two things for other pursuits and people, rather than for me, his wife. We were so young when we married and I had hoped that we would come to love each other, in one respect we have, but it is still not the type of marriage I dreamed of having.

You seem to...I don't know...recognise that in you comment in our conversation. That 'we are all servants of France, Your Majesty.' And that includes me, servant to my position, not at all free to do as I wish. Held in place by duty and responsibilities. There are times when I wish I was someone else.

When we were there together on the walk, talking, you didn't even look at me when you spoke to me and you usually do. Your eyes are the only ones that truly look at me, truly see me. But then I was unable to look at you as the question formed in my mind. It came, I think, from my feelings after the King's comments and then seeing my gift to you around her neck.

I asked the question, and I didn't look at you because I didn't want you to see the jealousy, the pain my eyes would have revealed. 'Is Ninon your lover?'"

Anne stopped as the blush streaked across her cheeks again. To ask such a question of him! It really was not her place to know who Aramis was bedding. He was only a Musketeer. She couldn't help it though; the question had darted out of her mouth before she could stop it.

Looking back at that moment she knew that she hadn't really wanted to hear an answer to the question she had posed, particularly if it had been a 'yes' then her heart would have been bruised, her pride wounded. But she hadn't taken it back, she hadn't told him not to answer.

Dipping her quill in the ink once more she continued "I should have realised that you would want to provide Ninon with support and give her a reason to hope. That is why you would give her our cross to wear. I think of it as our cross because of what we shared in the moment that I gave it to you.

I felt your warmth as I put my arms about your neck. I wonder if you felt the warmth of my skin? I could smell the aroma of leather, horses and manliness. I do rather love that smell and it will always remind me of you. I always try to wear the same scent now as I did then. It is lily of the valley with whispers of vanilla. I hope that you like it.

Your answer to why you had given Ninon the cross put me to shame 'She is a good woman, facing a hideous death. I...I only wanted to comfort her.' Of course you would want to comfort her, isn't that what you did for me. It's one of the reasons why I feel a connection with you.

Even though you didn't know what I had been thinking, imagining, I had to ask your forgiveness. 'Forgive me. Your compassion does you credit.' You gave me a smile that seemed to say that you knew exactly what I had been thinking, feeling about you in that time between marching into the court and meeting on the walk.

Aramis, you always seem to think of other people before yourself and show care and compassion for them. I think that these are two of the reasons why I admire you, especially when you are often called upon to defend the King and I by using your sword. It must go against your nature, somewhat, and your faith. I must say you however, that you are rather good at what you do."

Anne placed the quill back in the inkwell. She placed her hands beneath her chin as her eyes looked over all that she had written. She knew she took a risk in writing all of this down but with no one she could trust implicitly, she had no other option other than writing it down.

Anne thought once more about trying to find a woman she could employ as her personal confidante, a gentle woman she could talk to. Perhaps in time, if she could find the right one, this imaginary woman might even become a friend. But who could she ask for recommendations? She sighed as she rose from the chair to return her journal to its hiding place. Things to think of at another time.