Chapter 4 – Rescue Me

"With you I'm not a little girl, with you I'm not a man

When all the hurt inside of me comes out, you understand

You see that I'm ferocious, you see that I am weak

You see that I am silly, and pretentious and a freak

Rescue me [rescue me, it's hard to believe] Your love has given me hope

Rescue me [rescue me, it's hard to believe] I'm drowning, baby throw out your rope

Love is understanding, it's hard to believe life can be so demanding

I'm sending out an S.O.S. Rescue me, rescue me

It's not my business to decide, how good you are for me

How valuable you are and what the world can see

Only that you try to understand me and have the courage to love me for me"

Rescue Me by Madonna

Josie was astounded at how at ease she was with Anders, how quickly she had opened up to him and how not once did he make a sexual overture or innuendo while she told him about Alistair. She had never bared her soul like that to anyone… well, except for Alistair. She hadn't realized how much she had bottled up and she found that once she had begun she couldn't stop. Anders had been patient as he listened to her. He laughed with her, held her when the tears came and wiped them away when she couldn't stop them. He allowed her to relive the joy of their relationship and mourn the passing of it.

It had never been her intent to discuss Alistair with Anders, but he looked so incredibly hurt that she thought of his pursuit of her as just a notch on the notorious lovers belt. As he towered over her, ready to leave because his pride had been bruise, her heart melted when she looked into his eyes and saw love, not lust, shining out from them; and to be perfectly honest it had rattled her to discover that charming mage had genuine feelings for her.
She would be no good for him… she would be no good for anyone. Her heart was beyond repair, beyond even Anders skilled hands, but the only way she saw to repair the damage with the handsome mage was to give Anders what he wanted… the truth about what had happened with her and Alistair.

Now as they rode back to the Keep in silence each lost in their thoughts Josie was shocked to discover that for the first time in months her heart didn't hurt nearly as bad as it had just this morning, and that her mind was free of the venomous thoughts that had been plaguing it. Anders truly was a gifted healer. She looked over at him and smiled.

He grinned back at her. "Something on your mind, milady?"

"Thank you."

His eyes shined warmly at her. "You're welcome, but it is I that should be thanking you for giving me the best birthday I can remember."

"I'm glad I could make it a good day for you. Everyone should be able to take one day out of the year to celebrate themselves," she was silent for a moment then asked, "How did you know that it was what I needed?"

Anders paused before he replied. "I learned a long time ago that holding things in can be detrimental to one's health. There is something cathartic about verbalizing what is on your heart and in your mind."

"Was someone there for you when you needed to unburden yourself?"

A sad smile flickered across Anders' lips. "Yes and the hours that we spent talking healed me in every way possible."

"What was their name?"

"Karl, his name was Karl," Anders said as he paused to collect his thoughts.

"He was a Circle mage. When I spent a year in solitary confinement Karl had bribed a few of the sympathetic Templars to grant him permission to bring me a hot meal and to heal me if necessary. I would not have survived that year with my mind fully in tact if it hadn't been for him."

"Was he just a friend or a lover?"

Anders eyes narrowed as he looked at her. "Would it bother you if he had been a lover?"

She smiled at him as she thought about Zevran and his pursuit of finding pleasure wherever he could find it. "No, I believe that you limit love if you allow gender to define who you can love."

A genuine smile spread across the mage's lips. "That is very open minded of you… to answer your question I need to ask you a question."

"Okay."

"Do you think you can be someone's lover mentally without the physical act?"

Again Josie's thoughts drifted back to Zevran. There wasn't a topic that the two of them hadn't discussed in detail. There wasn't anything that she felt she needed to hold back when she was with him. Zevran had been a lover of her mind even though physically they had never been together. That was why Alistair had never truly trusted the assassin. It wasn't because he thought Zevran would try to kill her again it was because the two of them had a connection that Alistair couldn't understand or compete with. If she hadn't met and fallen in love with Alistair before her fated meeting with Zevran, the two of them very well may have become lovers.

"Yes, I do."

"That was Karl for me. I was in no physical condition for the act of making love when I was imprisoned, but mentally Karl was my lover."

"Why didn't you pursue the relationship when you were released?"

"Shortly before I was released the Circle had moved Karl to the Kirkwall Circle to aid them in some research project that he was proficient in."

"I'm sorry."

"I was actually heading to Kirkwall when the Templars caught up with me and obviously the Maker had other plans for me."

"You told me that you had never been in love. Are you saying that you didn't love Karl?"

"Karl was the closest I have ever come to loving someone like that," Anders replied.

"So if you were heading to Kirkwall to reunite with him then the Wardens put a real kink in your plans," Josie said with a smile.

"Well, it really was the Templars that interfered with my plans. It was you that gave me hope."

"I'm not sure how much hope the Wardens can offer…"

"I didn't say the Wardens, Josie, I said you gave me hope," Anders stated.

She looked over at him. A genuine smile was on his lips and his warm eyes danced as he looked at her causing her stomach to flutter, her stomach actually fluttered…like she was a schoolgirl and the boy she had crush on smiled at her. She looked away as she felt the heat rise in her cheeks.

"Oh my, now that had to be a delicious thought to make the cool and collect Warden Commander blush. Do tell," Anders purred.

Josie's cheeks continued to burn as she stared straight ahead. "It was nothing. I think the sun has just made me flush."

He gave her a knowing grin. "That's what you're going with… the sun?"

"Yes, that's my story and I'm sticking to it," she replied as they rode into the courtyard.

As she dismounted her back stiffened as she felt a familiar presence step out of the shadow and into the sunlight. Before she even turned to face him she grunted through clenched teeth, "Loghain, how nice of you to finally decide to leave Court and begin acting like a warden."

"Commander, you know that my arrival was delayed because Anora needed my aid in helping Ferelden recover from the Blight."

Josie spun to face the man that she loathed. "Oh and here I thought it was because you were pouting over Weisshaupt naming me the Ferelden Warden Commander and not you. My mistake."

His eyes bore into her, but she refused to back down from. "A mistake that they will soon discover and then they will correct the error of their ways."

"If that is what you tell yourself to get you through the night then so be it," Josie handed the reins of her horse over to the stable boy and then stepped closer to him so that they were only inches apart. "But let me make this perfectly clear, Loghain, for now, I am your Commanding Officer. I don't care who your daughter is. You will follow my orders or you will find yourself bedding in the Keeps dungeon. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly, Commander," Loghain said.

Then as a malicious grin crossed his face as he added, "Oh by the way, before I left Denerim I received a report from the border patrol that a man's head that looked remarkably like Alistair Theirin was on a pike outside the city walls of Amaranthine."

Josie felt her hand tremble slightly as she reigned in her emotions. She wasn't about to give this son of a bitch the reaction he was looking for. She just looked him in the eye and coldly stated, "See Seneschal Varel about assigning you a room."

Then she spun on her heels and marched off. Once she was sure Loghain could no longer see or hear her she took off in a full sprint to her room. She closed the door and threw herself across the bed just as the tears from anger, frustration and regret began to flow. It couldn't be Alistair. Loghain was just saying that to taunt her, to get a reaction out of her and to remind her that the Queen still had a bounty on his head. She refused to believe that it was him, but she still needed to see for herself. She needed to reassure herself that the biggest mistake of her life hadn't cost Alistair his life… she couldn't live with herself if it had.

Varel had mentioned that there was someone in the City using the name Dark Wolf that might be able to help her obtain information about the nobles that had placed a contract on her life. Not only did she need to find out what this conspirator was, she also had to have a serious discuss with this spy about using a name that didn't belong to them. She would go to the City tomorrow, talk with informant and make sure it wasn't Alistair.

Early the following morning, Nathaniel, Oghren and Anders accompanied her to Amaranthine. She slowed as she neared the city walls and saw the pikes that held the heads of those deemed as traitors. She felt her heart racing and noticed her hands trembling as she stopped in front of the one that held the head of a male that had blond short hair.

"Is it him, Commander? Is it Alistair Theirin?" Nathaniel asked.

Relief washed over her, but her voice was incapable of functioning so she just shook her head no.

"Except for the hair this man looks nothing like the Pike Twirler," Oghren grunted.

After they had stabled their horse Anders pulled her aside. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine.

Anders raised an eyebrow. "I would have hoped that we had reached a new plateau in our relationship yesterday."

She straightened her shoulders as she stared at him. "I told you, I'm fine."

Anders grabbed her and pulled her into an empty stall away from the others. "Don't shut me out, Josie. You aren't fine. Ever since Loghain's arrival you have been on edge and I'm not just referring to his insinuation that Alistair was dead."

"Let's just say that Loghain and I have a very strained relationship and his appearance at the Keep was not the welcome home gift I was looking forward too."

Anders arm encircled her waist as he attempted to pull her against him, but she fought against him. They had a spent a wonderful day together, but that was all it was…one day. She was not going to let his charms continue to cloud her judgment.

His arms were stronger than she had given him credit for and he pressed her against him sending that unexplained heat coursing through her once again.
He brushed a stray hair out of her face then he leaned down and whispered, "After yesterday, I refuse to allow you to shut me out again. We've come too far to go back to that. I'm not asking you to fall in love with me, Josie. I'm just asking you to let me in, let me love you, let me heal you as I know I can."

She pulled back and looked at him. She was shocked and surprised by his assertiveness and his declaration. "You're feeling a little cocky in your abilities as a healer and a lover."

His eyes danced as he smirked at her making him look so damn sexy. "Don't mistake confidence as arrogance. If you let me in Jo, I know I can heal you… mentally." Anders lips pressed against her forehead then he feathered tender kisses across her temples and down her cheeks.

"Spiritually," he sighed as he rested his palm in the valley between her breasts. His hand glowed an amber color as a warm, calming sensation flowed through her veins.

"And physically," he groaned as his hand slid between her legs; a tiny vibration pulsed from his hand against her core. A whimper escaped her lips as pleasure ripped through her, her knees went weak and she nearly fell to the ground. Anders tightened his hold on her, holding her upright and firmly against him.

He pressed his lips against her neck and she wanted nothing more than to melt into him. What the fuck was this man doing to her? He was completely unraveling her.

"I don't just want to make love to you, Josie. I want to be with you every way possible. And the only thing that I'm asking from you in return is not to shut me out. Just let me in, please Phine," he moaned against her ear.

His words had softened her heart. No one… not even Alistair, had ever told her that all they wanted to do was please her and want nothing in return…well…except for that bit about her to open up to him…and there it was - the catch. She didn't know if she could do that, she didn't know if she could let herself be that vulnerable with someone ever again.

As if reading her mind, Anders pressed his lips against her ear, "I won't hurt you, Josie. I promise. Your heart is safe in my hands."

Tears were now brimming in her eyes as she looked up at him. "Why?" Was all she could manage.

Anders shook his head. "I don't know…I'm drawn to you…I can't explain it, but all I want to do is take away your pain."

She didn't reply. She couldn't. She honestly didn't know what to say so she just melted into his embrace and took comfort in the warmth of his arms. Eventually she pulled away from him and wiped the tears from her face. She looked up at him. "I-I'll try. It's the best I can do."

He smiled warmly at her. "Then that is all I can ask."

She nodded and headed out of the barn to join the others. As they approached the gate a young guard approached them. "Excuse me, Ser."

Josie paused and looked at the guard. "I was paid a whole sovereign to deliver this to you."

"Thank you, I appreciate it," Josie replied as she took the sealed letter.

She opened the letter and her eyebrows furrowed. "Something the matter, Commander?" Nathaniel asked.

"I really hate being summoned by my own alias," Josie grumbled as she shoved the letter into her bag and started through the gate.

"Excuse me, milady, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to search your bag," a guard stated as he stepped in front of her.

Josie laughed as she shook her head and handed her bag over to the guard. "Of course, I have nothing to hide."

"What are you doing, man? Are accusing the Warden Commander of smuggling?" The constable demanded as he approached them.

"I…you said everyone," the guard stuttered.

"You are dismissed," the constable said then turned his attention to Josie. "I apologize, Commander. Since the Blight, smugglers and thieves have been running amuck throughout the City."

"Well, it's good be cautious," Josie replied.

"I could use your help with this Arlessa," the constable stated and Josie felt the hair rise on the back of her neck at the use of her title.

"Constable Aidan, its either Commander or Josie, please do not use my title unless we are holding court. As for your smuggler problem, I would be happy to help, but I have a pressing matter I need to attend to first. I will return later and we can discuss the matter."

The Constable crossed his arms over his chest and bowed. "Of course, Commander, I understand."

Josie made her way through the market toward the gate that led to the docks. A guard with his helm on stood off to the side. With her hand resting on the pommel of her sword she cautiously approached the shady character.

"Ma Cherie, I see you got my letter. It's an honor to meet you," the man said in a perfect Orlesian accent.

Josie's lips curved slightly. "The Dark Wolf I presume."

"The one and only, in the flesh," the man replied.

"I always pictured the Dark Wolf to be taller," Oghren grunted.

Josie titled her head slightly and smiled an impish grin. "How can you be the Dark Wolf when I am?"

The figure behind the mask hesitated slightly. "Ma douce, it was my understanding that you were dead."

"The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. As you can see, I am very much alive," Josie said as she held out her arms.

"Oh I can see very well and my eyes are enjoying the delicious vision before them," the Dark Wolf replied.

Josie heard Anders shift uncomfortable, but her eyes narrowed on the masked guard. "If you want your eyes to remain in your head I suggest you stop eyeing me as if I was your last meal."

"Oh but what a scrumptious meal you would be, ma bonbon sucre."

Josie had to bite her lip to stop from smiling. "Does the pretty Warden have a twitch in her lip?" The Dark Wolf asked sarcastically.

Josie ignored the comment. "Why don't you tell me what you know?"

"There is great unrest among the nobles of Amaranthine regarding your appointment as Arlessa and a price has been placed on your pretty head."

"So you're telling me this…why? Out of your sense of civic duty," Josie questioned.

The Dark Horse laughed. "Hardly! My reasons are my own, but let's just say I am fulfilling a vow."

"And how much will it cost me for you to keep your vow?"

"Fifty sovereigns, my dear Warden."

"Maker's breath, that's highway robbery," Anders exclaimed.

Josie didn't even hesitate. She opened her backpack and handed the guard the coins.

"Well, looting nobles' houses during the Blight was certainly profitable for you," Nathaniel grunted.

"I didn't loot nobles' homes… only yours," Josie replied dryly.

"You're just going to hand over fifty sovereigns to a complete stranger," Anders demanded.

"Oh I believe the Dark Wolf and I have an understanding," Josie purred.

"You do? How did I miss that?" Nathaniel asked.

The Dark Wolf crossed his arms over his chest and bowed, "I will have the answers you seek shortly."

Then the man turned and walked away. Josie spun on her heels and the rest of the group quickly fell in behind her.

"So… mage… what's it like?" Oghren grunted

Anders chuckled. "To have all this power at my fingertips?"

"No. To always wear a skirt," Oghren laughed.

"Oh, so you don't know the story behind the robes?"

Oghren shook his head.

"Well, you know what tight asses they are at the Circle right?"

Oghren just shrugged.

"I'm sure the stories have made it into your intoxicated brain at some point. Well, the robes make quick trysts in the corner easy. No laces or buttons. You're done before the templars catch on."

"Pathetic," Nathaniel groaned.

"Really?" Oghren asked amazed.

"Oh, you're just jealous, Howe."

"You don't always wear robes, do you?" Nathaniel asked.

"Well, I'm not fond of bathing in them and unless it's one of those quick trysts I mentioned earlier I like to remove them for more leisurely encounters."

"Ugh, I could have done without that visual," Nathaniel groaned.

"How about you, Commander?" Oghren asked.

Josie paused and turned to look at him. "What are you going on about, dwarf?"

"The visual of Anders naked, could you have done without that too?" He asked as sly grin spread across his lips.

Josie's eyes widened as she looked at Anders who was smiling like the cat that just ate the canary. She could feel her cheeks began to burn and she quickly spun away from them.

"Oh course not, I only like to picture you naked, Oghren," Josie replied dryly.

Both Nathaniel and Anders began to choke.

"So you do have a thing for me, huh? I knew it! You heard what they say about us short fellows... We're not so short everywhere and now you can see for yourself!" Oghren chuckled.

"Oh for fuck sake, Oghren! That's a visual I could have definitely gone without," Josie groaned.

"Well, you had your chance, woman! I'm not a slab of meat, you know," Oghren grunted.

"Well can't blame a girl for trying, that Felsi is one lucky girl," Josie replied sarcastically.

"Yeah, I keep telling her that, but she doesn't listen very well."

"That must be because she's blinded and ...deafened by all your alluring features," Josie cooed as she ruffled the dwarf's hair and he grinned up at her.

"Or drugged off her ass by his ale breath!" Nathaniel said sardonically.

"This Felsi woman...she's insane, right?" Anders inquired.

"She's a fiery one, but insane is not the word I'd use," Oghren chuckled.

"If she married you, dwarf, she is a few genlocks short of a horde," Nathaniel stated.

The banter continued as they made their way back to Constable Aiden to get the details regarding the smuggling ring. By the time they made it back to the inn it was dark. Josie talked with the bartender about having a bath, a tray of food and a bottle of wine sent up to her room.

"You aren't going to join us for a mug of ale?" Oghren inquired.

"Not tonight, I'm exhausted," Josie replied as she excused herself and hurried up to her room.

The moment she closed the door she grinned as she looked around the room. "If a certain assassin doesn't get his ass out of the shadows, I swear no riding crop for you."

Zevran emerged for the corner a grin on his face. "La mia caramella dolce, you say the sweetest things."

Josie squealed as she leapt into Zevran's arms. "You are a sight for sore eyes."

Before he could reply there was the thundering sound of footsteps up the stairs and a pounding on her door. Josie waved Zevran back into the shadows. She opened the door to see three pairs of eyes staring back at her.

"We heard screaming," Anders said with concern.

"Oh… did I scream? I didn't mean too… I saw a spider," Josie replied.

Nathaniel's eyes narrowed on her as he stuck his head in the door and looked around. "Since when is the fierce killer of darkspawn, the slayer of the archdemon, and the vanquisher of all evil afraid of a spider?"

"It was a really big spider," Josie said innocently.

"It would have to be as big as a bronto's ass to make you scream like that," Oghren grunted.

"I'm just tired and I overreacted when it ran across my foot," Josie replied.

"Uh-huh," Anders said as he pushed his way into her room and glanced around then he looked at her suspiciously. He leaned into her and whispered, "What are you hiding?"

She grinned at him, turned so that only the shadow in the corner could see and brushed a kiss against his cheek. He looked back at her stunned. She continued to smile at him. "I'm fine. Trust me."

Anders nodded as he stepped away from her. "If you say so, but if you need anything, I'm right next door."

"Thank you, Anders," Josie said. Then she looked over at the rest of her Wardens that had come to her rescue. She smiled. "Sorry if I worried you, but I'm fine. Thank you for your concern."

They eyed her suspiciously then nodded and headed out the door. As soon as they were alone again, Zevran emerged from the shadows. "Well I see once again you have assembled a group that is highly dedicated to you and devoted to keeping you safe; which speaking from experience is not always easy."

"Yes, they are a good group of Wardens."

"And that mage seems overly devoted," Zevran observed.

She smiled, "Anders…Anders is…"

Zevran raised an eyebrow as grin slid across his face. "Ander is what, my sweet?"

"I'm not sure."

"You like him," Zevran stated.

"I-I don't know what I feel for him."

"But you're curious."

"He has definitely sparked my interest...it's just..."

"It's just what, my pet," Zevran coerced.

"I...I'm not the person I was when I met Alistair...I'm damaged and I don't think my heart can take another heartbreak."

"My dear precious Warden, you are not damaged. Your heart has taken a hard blow, but it still beats and you are strong enough to move on. Not every affair has to lead to love or end in heartbreak. Sometimes you can have a passionate tryst and the only thing that it means is a lot of powerful orgasms. If I can't be the one to help you out with that, I do believe that mage with lust in his eyes would be the right fellow."

"So you're saying I should take a page out of your book, act like a man and just take my pleasures where I can find them?"

"That is exactly what I'm saying, my pet."

A coy smile spread across her face as her eyes sparkled with mischief.

"I've seen that look before and I know what it means," Zevran cooed.

Her eyes went wide as she stared at him. "What does it mean?"

He grinned at her. "It means you have an itch and you're about to make that mage your personal scratcher."

Josie giggled. "What a colorful way you have of describing things."

"Well, I'm all for him, if he helps you get over that idiot brat prince."

Pain must have shown on her face because Zevran was pulling her into his arms an instant later. "Dolce cuore, I am sorry. That was thoughtless of me, but you need to move on and if this Anders will help you do that then he has my vote."

Zevran kissed her on forehead then pulled away from her as he walked over to the table and poured each of them a glass. "I brought with me the finest Antivian brandy I could find on short notice before I headed here."

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you here, Zev? Why masquerade as my old alias? What happened in Antiva?"

Zevran chuckled. "One question at a time, my pet. When I arrived back in Antivia City, I discovered that Marco was still the leader for the Crows and that he still had a contract out on my life. After a few failed negotiation attempts between the two of us I decided it was best to forgo all future mediation by eliminating the problem. With Marco no longer available to lead the Crows and because I was the one that caused his unavailability they offered me Marco's old job as leader to which I happily accepted."

"So you're back with the Crow's?"

"Don't worry, my sweet, only temporarily. I am setting a few things in motion that should allow me to come to your side not long from now."

"So what are you doing here and why pose as the Dark Wolf?"

"Well, when a contract request came across my desk with your name on it I had grave concerns. I immediately reminded all the Crow's that no contracts were to be accepted on you, but I knew that wouldn't stop less professional assassins to take the contract so I immediately came here. You had created the perfect persona for gathering information in the guise of the Dark Wolf. I didn't see a need to reinvent the wheel. So I used the Dark Wolf's reputation and spread rumors that he was working with the Crows. It's amazing how forthcoming people are with information, when you throw out the names 'Dark Wolf' and 'Crows' in the same breath," he said as he took a sip of his brandy.

"So have you found out anything?"

"Well, the group of nobles in question have been dealt with; you should no longer have to worry about them."

"I am most grateful."

"Oh…just how grateful are you?"

"Keep your hands to yourself or there's a chance you come away one short."

Zevran chuckled. "You know it's such a turn on when threaten me with bodily injury."

"Why did I ever let you talk me into our code phrase being, 'what a scrumptious meal you would be'. I could barely keep a straight face."

"Because you love me and because I love watching you work on your Wicked Grace face when I say that line out loud," Zevran replied with a grin.

Josie fell back on the bed. "Maker, I've missed you, my friend."

Zevran set his glass down, walked over to her and motioned for her to scoot over. She did, he slid in beside her and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her forehead. "I'm here now and I promise, I will return to you as soon as I can."

"Good, I need my trusty assassin by my side."

"You know I love it when you call me 'your assassin'; makes me tingle all over."

"Just keep your tingles to yourself," she muttered as she melted against his chest and for the first time since before the Landsmeet she felt safe and content as she drifted off to sleep.

*A/N -Your French lesson for the day Ma Cherie – my darling , Ma douce – my sweet, ma bonbon sucre – my sweet candy. If the translation is off please blame google translator.

*Your Italian lesson for the day. La mia caramella dolce – my sweet candy, Dolce cuore – sweetheart.

*I want to thank you everyone that has added this story to your favs and alert lists. The response has been awesome and I am pleased as punch that you like it. To everyone that has taken the time to write a review, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. They always bring a smile to my face.

*To my two fantabulous betas, Bonzy and Mistress Vo, the two of you are rockin' the bees knees, jamin' in the cat's pajamas and the coolest of the cool. Thank you for all of your hard work.